Corporate
Hell on Earth
14 October 2005
News of Departure for
You may know me for my published
books and my work in television and films, not under the name Mycroft Holmes of
course, but this is the only way I can actually write in English about my
experiences in
Up until now I mostly wrote in
French and thankfully none of you appear to understand French. However writing
in French has never got me anywhere despite my many published books, since
there is no market. So I had to find a new name, as it is anyway the fashion
for any aspiring actor in
A bit more than just aspiring,
since I have written many books and already worked on several series and films.
It does not matter in
So I will land in
Knowing my real name would not
change anything to you, I never got credited for anything I worked on, though I
was paid on all produced projects. I guess it compensates for all those long
nights I spent writing when I had to go to work the next day. I have no doubt
that if you are good at searching on the Internet, I will probably leave you
enough clues as to who I am, and probably you would find me out easy. What is
important, really, is that no one searching on my name or the projects I worked
on should find this blog, it is the only way for me to be truly honest and have
all the freedom to say what I want, what needs to be said.
I don’t intend to be that negative,
unless it turns out that I will go through hell whilst in
If I had to continue being so
unhappy and miserable, there is really no point in continuing this boring
existence. If nothing great happens to me in
So I have high expectations for my
moving into
I have learnt that much, that
wasting time is very easy. Any project could gobble up six months of your life
and you would have nothing to show for it afterwards since even the rights are
not yours. This is over, never again. And to arrive in
God, two more weeks, and I will
land in
Without too much expectation, you
cannot be too disappointed. And at the very least I will have this blog at the
end of it. If it is just to complain that nothing happens, I will eventually
just delete it and never give it another thought. So let’s see what destiny has
in store for me. Let’s move to
Blog – 20 October 2005
Changing my future, hoping for
success, one week before departure to LA
I’m in such a mess, and it is all
psychological. Counting the minutes before my departure for
Perhaps it is time that I truly
break with my past, and leave everything behind but the essential. I have lost
so many things in my life, because of these airplane regulations which oblige
you to have only two suitcases every time you move country. I know people who
will ship dozens of crates, even their cars, must cost a fortune, I can’t
afford it.
Every time I need to move out of a
country, everyone and everything turn into a nightmare, a place which in the
end, I am happy to leave behind. It happened in
At work we enter agreements
nightmare which could lead to court. Two more agreements need to be negotiated,
another thing which could take a few months of torment. I could not even do
anything about my last conference which was supposed to be finished by the time
I leave. As it stands, I have not even started. The new cat we bought shits and
pees everywhere every day, it seems the five other cats decided that it was now
permissible to do the same, so we live in a shit hole. I can’t wait to get out.
I have no more time to think about
philosophy of life, and anyway, I was going to try to avoid talking about this
here. Why? Well, people think I am already crazy, no need to confirm it so they
can act upon it and put me into a mental institution.
I was recently contacted by someone
who said he could change the future just by concentrating a lot and convincing
himself that what he wished for would definitely happen. I came to the
realization five years ago that I could do the same, and out of it I got
contracts to work in cinema and television when there was nothing really to
suggest I was ever going to end up working for that medium.
At the time I had written only one
film script, it was 10 years ago and it was an adaptation from a book. I had
forgotten about trying to change my future for the better, but I tried again
two months ago and my life went wild. My conferences which were flops suddenly
became successful overnight. My partner who was in deep trouble and was going
to lose his driving license and his job won in court. And I am now leaving for
However I am not certain if I was
ready for such a roller coaster, like, on the very next day that I would try to
change my destiny. I had more in mind something simple, just to make me happy,
and now it is happening on a massive scale. I am only talking about this now
because I don’t want to forget that once in
I’m not afraid of hard work, even
though I feel like a zombie right now, but hard work is not enough in
I know success is not an ingredient
for happiness. In fact, people who are driven as much as me, who dedicate their
life to succeeding, and spend all their energy, sacrificing everything and
everyone along the way to become famous, are the world’s worst sufferers. Because
these things take time, it is heartless, and you are left with a feeling of
having missed something quite huge once you succeed, or even worse, once you
accept that you will never succeed.
As a consequence, most people who
succeed on a massive scale are not happy and are unable to enjoy their success.
So they either need to succeed again and again, or somehow they realize that
and work now at becoming happier people, even if sometimes it means getting
away from it all.
This is not exactly encouraging to
be thinking about this stuff right now, I should get back to my big idea that I
will rock the boat in a spectacular way once I land in
That’s what logic does to you, it
makes you say stupid things that one day will prove without a doubt that you’re
worth nothing, that you were just crazy to begin with.
Blog - 22 October 2005
Surviving management and change at
work, how to live an exciting destiny good enough to write a book
It is Saturday, exactly one week
before I leave
However, I was truly disappointed
with
Unless I was truly good at it,
which I believe after one year in
So I have to wish that within weeks
I can reach that same point with my new employers, and if they are as disorganized
as a company as I was led to believe in the interview, I may actually be the
expert who will save their company. I have ten years of experience on the
subject, surely I have something of interest to communicate to them?
The only remaining problem is that
change takes a long time. Nothing can happen overnight. Dissatisfied employees
will definitely leave, even though they might have been the best. They are
always the first ones to go, they know they can succeed elsewhere without
having to complicate their lives with new processes which suddenly make their
life a living hell, by preventing them from doing what they are good at,
producing, selling.
It has been one year and a half in
my last job since change has started, you could easily say that nothing has
really changed yet. Another frightening thought. How long does it take for
results to finally appear? Well, it took me a year to achieve my goal. Now I
need to put this knowledge to good work, whatever it is that I am going to do,
we need to see tangible results within six months. Who am I kidding? It cannot
take less than a year.
The worst part is that I don’t even
know yet what it is that I have been hired for. At the beginning I was told
they were looking for a simple Conference Producer. Their website was claiming
to be looking for a Conference Manager, and my immigration papers are stating
that I was hired as a Management Consultant to turn around their business and
open new offices worldwide. Was it just for immigration purposes, or am I to
become this management figure finally controlling a few bugs that I will be at a
liberty to crush whenever I feel like it?
I’m joking. My idea of management
is moral and ethical, much more than everything I have observed up until now in
my short career. I am mister new management, compassionate but at the same time
looking for results. A mix of what a male Director or Manager could be,
compared with a Female Director or Manager. Being gay, I have the best of both
worlds. I am balanced. And I won’t freak out anyone, either the monsters in higher
management or the bugs under me.
I could not even see myself taking
out the “kill-fly” to wipe one of these bugs. Perhaps I am too much like women,
I should keep perspective here, I might need to squash a few of these bugs if
it becomes necessary, if I feel I am justified, if I feel there is no other
solution in sight. I would hate it, but I am prepared and ready for it.
Thankfully nobody can bullshit me
in this business, I have done everything for so many years, every single
position, I will know if someone is playing with me and I will lose all
respect. I will have to crush a few bugs, hopefully I will always act in a
moral and ethical manner, and for the right reasons.
Personal clash of personalities is
not good enough, no pettiness can get between me and the bugs. Like I hope
management won’t act like that with the bug that I will be in their eyes. Otherwise
this is when and where I will be thinking seriously about the mistake it was to
move to L.A. Oh God, I hope for so much, for so much which I have never
witnessed in my short life, a job that I would actually love, with people I can
actually bear!
Incidentally, today I have met both
my old bosses from one of my previous jobs. We met at the Pets at Home center,
so they could give me the last reference letter I needed for immigration. God
she was lovely, she looked great. A real American woman living some sort of
great destiny, but stuck with a stubborn British husband who started a
conference company in
He looked frozen, could not say a
thing apart from that they were now planning conferences in
Luckily the ones who came after me were
all incompetent, which is why today they appreciate me, and were kind enough to
write that great reference letter for me. They’re leaving for
I believe I talked lengthily about
suicide, I had problems with the employees. The very next day I stayed home and
almost told them I was resigning. I came back the day after and we found a
solution. The solution was simple, I was their boss, of the two bugs in sales
who were the problem. I tell them what to do, they do not tell me what to do.
It was an arrangement I could live with. And of all of us, they came out as the
bad guys, they felt bad about it, and I never had any trouble with them
afterwards.
That I was ready to sacrifice my
career over this at the time, is probably something they never thought I would
do. It caused maximum impact, they were reprimanded and probably threatened
with their jobs. At the time I thought it was not very ethical for me to do
this, to bring it all to such an extreme, but I have lived enough in this life
that I am not going to put up with any kind of shit, especially for a job. And
they quickly got back in line. Great management skills! This is exactly what I
need to avoid in
When I left my two previous bosses
today, I told them that we never know what the future is preparing for us. And
the man said: exactly. We were on the same wavelength, he thought and I
thought, that one day I will be working for them again. I would love that, I
would love to open their Chinese office, or whatever else they may have in
their plans. But it is over now, it is old history. I need to move on.
However her son lives in
Bush will become my President,
something I never ever considered before. While this madman was actually
deciding for people I had nothing to do with, it was ok, whatever the power he
has over this world. But now it is an entirely different story. This crazy man,
religious, fanatic, openly anti-gay, who believes he answers to God, and that
God speaks to him, will actually have quite a strong influence over my life. Especially
that
So far so good, my partner can come
to the
My actual Manager, who I called
Master Bitch of
I have fears that perhaps this will
not turn out to be true. I fear rejection, like what I have experienced in
They are so insignificant compared
to what I hope to achieve, and I would never act like they do no matter the
degree of success or failure I achieve. A small part of me wish to succeed so I
can go back to that fucking pub called Richmond’s Arms, and tell them all to get
lost!
It is more important to me than I
would like to admit. They certainly played a big part in my decision to move
out to
And I need all the motivation
possible, since there is not much else left to motivate me in succeeding in
What are my motivations? What is it
that I wish to accomplish in
Surely there must be other ways for
me to achieve that freedom? I have been searching all my life, and I have
assessed that perhaps succeeding as a writer must be my best shot at reaching
freedom. Which is certainly odd, since the probabilities that I will ever
succeed as a writer are so slim. I might as well wish to win a million at the
lottery. However, this is all that I have left. I will live out of writing and
I will earn enough to do whatever I want whenever I want. Do my job anywhere on
this planet at any given time.
And then I hope to be happy. Giving
me the chance to study and write more important stuff, like philosophy and
theoretical physics. I guess that is my ultimate goal. My only goal. Anything
could give me that chance, I only need money falling from the sky.
Why do I feel that my only way out
is to succeed in
My life has to be more exciting and
interesting than the average block, if I wish to stand any chance to be read. I
would not be talking like this if I had not written already more than 20 books,
you can rest assured. I stand some chance to be remembered, at least in Québec,
where I come from. Though they are barely aware of my last two published books,
since distribution has mainly been in
I feel my destiny so far has been
distinctly different from any of my colleague writers. And I feel I am about to
experience the ultimate life in
So my success in
As long as I live through enough
bullshit to write about it, either in French or in English, nothing else is
important. It can all come from the famous conference world as far as I am
concerned, whether it is in
Oh dear, I have now mentioned the
word
The fact is, I have no idea where I
will end up doing in my life. Is there a reason for me being shipped to
I have not work at all on my
scripts in the last year, not even one line. My websites were not updated at
all, even if I wrote two books in that year. Let’s see, what can one surmise
from this? Well, assuming that none of the two books I have written will ever
go anywhere, which is what is most probable since I won’t bother sending them
to publishers from a lack of time and money, and they are not in the field or
language of what my actual publishers publish, then there must be a more
logical reason to all this.
Working in conferences is a mean
for me to achieve some sort of ultimate goal, which must be accomplished in
How could I not now believe in
destiny? In some sort of higher power, be it God or deterministic laws of
nature, leading me somewhere? Could it not be related to the film industry?
Could it be something entirely different? Am I to believe that I am sent to
L.A. to write about how I wish to succeed and then fail spectacularly, just to
write about it and discourage a whole generation of people to not abandon
everything, sacrificing their life in the process, in order to avoid the only
town in this world which could make their dreams come true, but would
ultimately destroy them completely to the point where only suicide remains? Better
that than going back home, wherever home is.
No, I feel I am destined to something
much larger, with a much higher purpose. And I am reading right now what it is
that would qualify as what it is that I wish to achieve with my life. It is
called Rama. Four books written by Arthur C. Clarke and Gentry Lee (but keep
the first one for the end, since it is the least interesting books of the four).
If I can write something like that before I die, then I feel all will be ok.
However, if I do not feel I can reach out like Arthur C. Clarke can, then it
will be a failure.
I do not write for a few thousand
people, not even a million. I want to write for the masses. I want to have a
deep impact. I want to change the ways of a whole nation, of a whole country, how
they think. I have no small ambition, otherwise I am ready to die right here
right now. It does not matter whether I live or die.
However, in the 20 books or so I have
written until now, I do not feel I have reached my goals. I have not yet
written my Rama series. And would it be sufficient anyway? Rama is not
considered like the best work of Arthur C. Clarke, we barely hear about it. But
God, there could not be a better series in science fiction to help you
understand what this world is all about. What we, as human beings, are actually
doing which will definitely lead to our ultimate destruction. Reading that
series, I am ashamed of being a human being, I really am. I feel powerless to
change this world. Do I have to do something to change it for the better,
changing people’s mind, activating something in their brain? What a goal.
Perhaps I should be killed now,
before I have to think too much about how I will ever achieve that impossible
task. I wouldn’t mind, death has always been welcomed in my lair. Ultimate
freedom, liberty, even if it is just about turning the machine off. I would
love it more than you will ever understand.
What possesses me to continue and have
these weird passions about achieving something grand and universal, is beyond
my comprehension. Perhaps we all have a role to play in this existence, in the
destiny of human kind. And even though it is not simple, we still have to play
the game. And I will play it, to a certain extent, but it better happen soon or
else I will lose patience.
I am tired, I am fed up, I better
get myself somewhere quickly, I better see that big scheme in action, which I
suspect, or else I will lose faith, abandon everything and never look back. Or
can I? Perhaps not. Must be in my genes, in my nature.
There is no escape, and that is
what this higher power or these laws of nature know, that I don’t. I don’t even
have the freedom to kill myself or retire somewhere alone in a forest. I just
can’t. I am moving to
All that I have said in the last
paragraph assumed that I believe in some sort of higher power or some sort of
deterministic laws of physics. It would not be completely true to say that
these are my beliefs. I do think I had a strong part to play in everything that
is happening to me right now. I wished for it and then it happened. No mater if
somehow it happened completely out of my conscious control.
I did not apply for a job in
In that case I would have certainly
planned for myself a few interesting experiences in
Sometimes I think that I think too
much about the significance of everything in one’s life. At this time I feel
justified, because it is too weird, too impossible. I have beaten the odds, it
must be significant, it must mean something. It could lead to an understanding
of what the mechanisms of existence are all about. Is there a structure
regulating what one must live?
Nothing has ever been enough for
me, I always needed more, it is beyond comprehension. If I don’t succeed at
anything, changing irrevocably what we are as a race, then my life is just not
worth it. It makes no sense, I don’t understand where this comes from. Could it
come from the fact that I feel everything is wrong in this world? That
everything could be much better and that somehow I can contribute to this massive
shift in thinking and behavior? Can I?
Through fantasy perhaps, science fiction,
like Arthur C. Clarke? How could we measure the impact of that one man on
human’s destiny? Quite high, he has inspired Nasa and everyone working there.
He has inspired every single sci-fi movie I have seen so far. He has changed
lives, he has given us some sort of background information for us to act and
react. It is possible to have a large impact via fiction, via science fiction. He
is a big influence on this world. If everyone were to read his books, they would
think completely differently and think twice before going to war and changing
this world irremediably.
So I could at least reach that
level, it is within my powers to change something on a massive scale, even via
fiction. I have an empire to build then, as big as the one of Arthur C. Clarke.
And I feel I have the right disposition mentally and philosophically to lead us
all to a better and happier place.
That is also quite important, since
I am no stranger to wild ideas like perhaps the destruction or annihilation of
the whole human race is the best solution, before we destroy the whole universe
by inadvertence. Got to get back on earth, think in simpler terms. How can I
best achieve my goals? Got to forget all my extreme ideas, got to think some
more. I have a mission, I have to accomplish it somehow. No small mission.
It is sad that it is only in a few
decades that I will be able to assess if I have succeeded in my mission. I
might even be dead by the time I have any impact. And it does not matter, as
long as I stop talking and start acting. And
So there I am, fiction, science fiction,
is to be my life, to make the world understand that we need to find peace and
happiness somehow, whatever the costs. No small destiny, I’m certainly
pretentious enough to succeed. How could you anyway achieve great things if you
did not even believe you could achieve them in the first place? This is why I
am going to
Who am I kidding? I must be drunk
again. Do I believe any of that stuff? It would be nice if it was true, in any
way. Or perhaps I am just building myself a great destiny where I am somehow a
prince and another prince will save me from my misery. Could be true, and it
might never happen, however the coincidence is too impressive to ignore. I am
going to
Mycroft Holmes in
Four last days of work in
I have been playing so hard
recently at reorganizing my life, using my pseudo-technique of changing my
future, and convincing myself that what I wanted was actually already a
reality, that every time I walk on Westminster bridge to go to the pub on my
lunch hour, I am questioning what is real and what is not. I fear that I dreamt
up this whole business of moving to
It seems a bit too convenient to
wish something and get it almost right away, no matter how huge is the dream. I
have problems to adapt to the fact that I can actually achieve what I want just
by wishing it and believing it without any doubt. It really puts a twist on
this reality, it feels much more like I am in some sort of Matrix, and any day
now I will be contacted by Morpheus.
I am also worried that I might just
be completely mad and ready for the asylum. I feel this is not real, none of
it, nothing in this life. It is just like a dream, a real one, and I am in
control. However it would be easy to start doubting and lose it all. Get back
to something I don’t particularly want.
That’s how I feel, I am questioning
reality, and at the same time I feel like I am reaching a new understanding of
the mechanisms of existence, which have nothing to do with how I interpreted
existence for the first 30 years of my life.
There are a set of values and reasons
to exist that I had built up in my mind which was my personal philosophy of
life, which is now due to be rethought completely in light of the facts that I
can change my future and make it the exact way I want.
What does this say about my role
and the role of each human being in this universe? How can I now picture this
world we live in? Am I just making the best of some natural laws of physics, am
I tapping into some sort of ESP power that many mediums on this planet have
been exploiting for centuries without being able to express and identify what
was exactly happening, since just about every scientific mind just reject
whatever it is that they can actually achieve?
Is this why I don’t consider these
possibilities, because it is just crazy and impossible in the first place? How
can I doubt it now? When everything I wished for in the last few months became
a reality? Except perhaps winning at the lottery, however I admit that I was
unable to believe that I would win, since the probabilities seemed too
impossible for my poor mind. So I do have limits, I truly need to believe that
whatever I want can actually happen. And if it is that easy to believe, it is
also very easy to doubt at the last minute and lose it all.
So I have to believe that this
reality is very much a virtual one, that matter and energy can be interchanged
at will, that I have enough brain power to change the configuration of this
world, or at the very least, I can switch between parallel universes or
realities at will. And whatever I can think of, whatever I can dream up, can
easily become the reality I will be evolving in.
Do I still have things to learn
then? Obstacles to overcome just so I can acquire some sort of experience I
would perhaps have set myself at a subconscious level? I am not sure anymore.
What about karma, and what you do comes around? Not so sure anymore. You could
still be a bad person and be happy and succeed beyond any hope. There would not
be any punishment. The consequences are after all just virtual and ultimately
affect only one person, myself.
No one else is actually real, I can
switch it all, change it all, in one day. It could only truly affect me if I
believed in some sort of moral and ethical code and I was actually adhering to
it. Because then, doing something bad would make me depressed, when in fact
there is no need to and I could get away with murder without even giving it a
second thought. Not that I intend anyway to change my way of thinking morally
and ethically, on the contrary. However I do not believe anymore in a system of
punishment, or should I?
Perhaps this is all bullocks and it
does not change anything if suddenly I can change my future or not. Perhaps it
was always there, I just never believed it in the first place, and my success
rate was near to zero, when now it is at 90%. I cannot ignore this anymore, it
took me five years to get back at working at changing my future, I cannot stop
again. I have to get somewhere, and then I will see what I can do, what I
should do. Because this also escapes me.
Maybe I should think in terms of
what it is that I want to do, and then do it, instead of these terms of what I
am supposed to be doing and trying to figure that out. Perhaps nothing is
planned after all, perhaps the only destiny that exists, is the one we build
for ourselves.
Is life just a game? Or has it got some
sort of higher purpose? I have absolutely no answer, not even a clue. I had the
time to build myself a philosophy of life using bits and pieces found
everywhere, from every philosophy and religion, and now I guess it is time to
throw all that away.
Only simple observations of where I
am and what my potential is, need to be considered. Take it one day at a time,
and reassess every day what is going on, what this life could all be about or
could lead me. Perhaps my existence has more in store for me, to surprise me
and excite me. I certainly need any kind of motivation, just to remain alive
and continue to work for no apparent good reason. Will
Mycroft Holmes in
Last day in
This is my last day working in
I have said before that I was ready
for such a destiny, that I was waiting to get out of the solar system as
quickly as the technology would permit, and that I would invent it if
necessary. Well, going to
It is certainly on the other side
of the planet as far as
I’m sure
I can no longer deny that my life
has been to produce conferences. It has now been ten full years in
This hate-love affair is far from
being over, since I just signed a contract with a company who want a career
man. And it is not excluded in my mind that this is it. My very last career
move might be this company I will be with for the next 10 years, instead of the
usual 1 to 2 years. It would mean that I finally found the right job,
management, where apart from thinking and writing reports, I won’t have to
actually produce conferences. Oh irony.
My last day! This is the last time
I am in Putney, on my way to London Waterloo. Tonight it will be
I feel so weird this morning, and
we’re going to the pub at lunch time for a farewell drink, I hope I won’t do
anything stupid. I certainly feel right now like climbing on the roof of the
train to sing and dance all the energy contained in my little body. It would be
my luck to just faint and fall on the track two days before my liberation, my
escape, my revolution. As it is how I perceive this move to
Clapham Junction, for the very last
time. If
I fear I will very much look like
an alien in
I must trust that destiny is
leading me somewhere and that I will get there eventually. But it has to move
fast, I need to move fast, everything needs to happen within weeks, not months
and years. I need my way out of conferences, I need my freedom, and
unfortunately this means success and money. I can’t think of anything else
which could bring me the sort of freedom that I wish for.
29 October 2005
Over the
That is it, I am now flying over
the Atlantic, on my way to
I was not sure what to think, to
rejoice that one major step will now be eliminated, and I will only have to
suffer the pain of being frightened at the customs only once, or if I should
start to worry that perhaps my dear Mr. Bush has decided to take over the
Canadian borders and, Canadians being so nice for no good reason, being in
their nature, have let Bush take over. My only hope is that it will make it
much simpler for me to get my visa.
Although everything is completely
legal, you never know what will happen, when the law is still in the hands of
people who enjoy wrecking entire lives just to prove to themselves they have a
little power in this world. Their doubts is all they need to stop you right
there from accomplishing your destiny. However, after years of experience dealing
with European democracy and immigration, I am not afraid anymore.
Twice in the plane I had a panic
attack, finally having a glimpse of what it is that I have done. It seems to me
that I never had the chance to think this through, to understand the
implications. Hell, I had not even started to pack last night at 9 pm. As
a result I did not sleep last night and at the moment I am like suspended in
time, since we are going back in time at the right speed for time to stop.
So God knows how I will survive the
day until we reach
You work and work without ever
stopping, five days a week, three hours of travel a day. And on the weekend you
are rushing all these things you feel you need to do to make this life
worthwhile, otherwise there would only be work and sleep, and then, in these
conditions, death would be most welcomed. So at the end of your seven days, you
realize that you never even took one minute to think about what you were
actually doing. You just went over all the obstacles as if they were just
little hurdles, and everything would be better afterwards. But then I woke up
yesterday and realized I had to abandon my life after 10 years, the person I
love and my cats, to go and live somewhere alone, in a place I know nothing
about!
Is it a mistake? I just can’t
believe it, it was so easy, it really fell from the sky. And if in a few hours
I get my visa, then really it was so effortless, you wonder what happened to
the concept of adventure.
And I want it to be painless, in
the end it makes no difference to what you learn in life if you are just confronted
by walls, after walls. There are other things that need to be learned, some
other goals which need to be reached. Useless to spend your life worrying about
immigration, writing about it as if it was your whole life and nothing else
ever existed. You might as well go home then, since it would definitely not be
worth it.
There are other things I can learn
in
Though at the moment it does look
hopeless, stuck working for a conference company. It is at any rate much better
than being a waiter. Or is it? I could not even be a waiter if I wanted to now.
Only high profile and high paying jobs can keep me in the
31 October, 5 am
My first day in LA
I made it! I am right now at the
dawn of something, not sure what yet, and it is a bit frightening. I would not
say that I am scared, but close to it. I am on my balcony right now, it is 5
am, I am right in the Valley, though I have no idea which valley this is or
where I am exactly. The stars offer quite a sight, even if I know that only a
few can be seen in a city as large as
If I was afraid of rejection, my
first day has been quite successful. Already in the lobby of the
hotel-apartment complex where I live, a woman came to me and told me her life
story in no less than two hours. Offering me dreams and opportunities like
moving to
Now, how likely is it that any of
that would actually happen? Close to zero. Some people would offer you anything
just to have friendship, and I know that these friendships are too demanding
for any human being. Somehow she got from me my room number and the address
where I will work. I’m sure I have not heard the last of her, and Stephen is
freaking out about it.
And then I went to Ralphs to buy
some food. Everyone was over nice, talking to me like if a huge earthquake just
happened and they were suddenly so desperate to talk to someone about it, that
even strangers would do. Well, it is what would be required for anyone in
I don’t know what is wrong with
these Americans, they are so opened, so willing to meet new people, it is
madness. I feel a strong sense of community, I suddenly feel part of something
larger than just my small person. I am no longer this individual lost amongst
millions, but a component of some greater family called the human race.
Somehow I feel this is only temporary,
that it is a false sort of feeling that usually happens when you first move
somewhere. Every time I moved into a new country, I always met helpful people
ready to do anything for me, without anything in return, and in time this
subsides and it is life as normal. As if destiny knew I needed help, and all
these possibilities were suddenly falling on my doorstep.
I have to be careful though, not to
fall into any trap or friendship I don’t want. Not to believe anything anyone
says, because it is likely that they won’t deliver even on their friendship. It
could easily become a nightmare. At the same time, I need to have some wisdom,
and be able to understand when people are genuine and have a lot to offer.
Obviously I feel I have a lot to offer, however I know certain friendships are
doomed from the start. I need to give myself some time to let anything else
happen, and take it from there.
I am now more worried about my
first day at work. Can I deliver on all the promises I have made? Am I this
genius guy who will sort them out through my past experience? I have met yesterday
at the Airport one of the girls I will be working with, along with her
wonderful and peaceful new husband of two weeks. God she is nice, strong
personality, these are people I would love to have as friends. Her husband
works in the music industry, in the licensing I believe, and probably about the
use of music in films. I see no opportunity there except for good friendship,
and this is good.
Perhaps all my dreams and
expectations about succeeding in the movie industry have also subsided since my
arrival. I am not sure if it is because I feel that being here or in
Or perhaps it is that I have other
worries right now, like this new job and finding a new apartment. Both are huge
tasks to accomplish, and I am hopeful that I will succeed in being happy. I am
not certain if my budget will allow me something nice close to where I will be
working. And I know I will need a car, because just walking to the grocery
store took me 30 minutes, and I had to come back in a taxi. However the taxi
driver was a Canadian woman from
I just don’t know what to expect
next. I have to get ready to go to work.
2 November 2005
One bastard identified at work,
inexistent public transport, prison type apartments
Do I deserve so much attention? So
much niceties? A company going the next 100 extra miles to help me and even my
boyfriend to move to
So far so good, I think they think
they’re getting their money’s worth. It is not exactly what their number one
employee thought though, and yesterday I lost patience with him. He crossed the
line with me, and I was ready to go back to
Anyway, he was freaking out because
I knew nothing about the financial world, especially in
So, what he did after his lunch
break, is exactly what I expected he would do. He went back to all the bosses,
trying very hard to convince them that I was not only ignorant of everything,
but on top of it, I was quite insubordinate. It must have thrown him into a
spin, this office is filled with Yes Sir/Yes Madam type of employees. The
anarchist ones like me must have left a long time ago, I thought.
So he tried, he then kind of
disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, and I was expecting at any time to
be put on the side by one of my bosses to let me know I had been out of line
and that it was not acceptable. And I was ready to tell them that once again a
damn employer had hired an employee without giving him any clue about what he
would actually be doing. And that is simply not acceptable. And that if they
felt they had made a mistake with me, I would gladly go back to
The very next morning I had a new
best friend, who came back to me sheepishly talking to me with a big smile. In
fact I had a two hour meeting with him where he could only speak while
laughing. Must have been difficult to appear as appreciative as that, when I
know for a fact that an old tree like him must have hated every second of it. He
was defeated, I had won. Somehow I doubt this is the end of the problem. Why,
oh why, is there always a fucking bastard in every single job I ever had? The
one who will work very hard at destroying me at every corner? Why can’t it be
simple for once?
Well, he came back saying jokingly
that I must be the one person in the world who has worked for every single big
conference company in the world, and that I must be unique, that no one else
must have that much experience. Could he truly suddenly believe this? Or was he
trying to dig again, saying that I simply cannot keep a job? Try to keep a job
in conferences for years, in this industry filled with bastards and
backstabbers. Oh yeah, I had the extraordinary opportunity to have known them
all, to the point where suicide was my only way out. Not counting that a job in
conferences is so stressful, rare are the new employees who will remain after
six months. They are either sacked because of a lack of results, or they leave
because they can’t stand it anymore.
He had finally been told who I was
and why it is that I had been imported from the
The only other possible bitch, and
somehow there is always one in every company, is the woman in charge of admin,
payroll and HR. She could easily turn into a monster, she is also in charge of
finding out who’s late and who’s sick, and who’s leaving early (30 minutes
after the normal hour is considered too early). So far she has been very nice
to me, over nice in fact, I could almost believe that she will not turn out to
be a bitch. I know better.
I will have to break my back for
them, I know that much, and thankfully I do intend to break my back for them. It
pays off when you are working for a family instead of a corporation who does
not even know who you are and what you do for them, even after years of
success. So it might just work.
We went for a perfect lunch with my
bosses, Stephen and I. It was to present them my baby, and they were impressed.
They want to employ him, perhaps because he made it clear that he would not come
to
He told them that he was quite traumatized
by the
I knew the game. It is the game of
the prisoner or the patient with a psychologist, who needs to convince the
authority that he is a changed man in order to gain his freedom, when in fact
he is probably worst for it, for having gone through that process from hell. And
if he was not ready before to annihilate the world, he certainly is now,
disgusted as he must be for so much crap.
So I was quite calm while the
custom officer was getting excited. I had the perfect answer every time. So I
got the visa. End of story. However it seems to have convinced Stephen that he
will never get his own visa, so he almost decided to not even try.
The true reason however is his six
cats, his three tortoises, his 30 fish and crabs, and his two snakes. Add to
this his flat that he will need to rent to some lodger, and that is just too
much for him.
Also that he is not impressed by
I think he will never make the
jump. He did not appear that overwhelmed when I told him today that his sort of
job interview at lunch time with my bosses had been successful. That they saw
him as the new head of the future telemarketing department. God, we are so not
ambitious, it is ridiculous, almost a shame in the society we are living in.
So what do I think of
No car means that we cannot go
anywhere. The bus system sucks so much, one passes every hour, if it passes at
all, and it never goes anywhere. There are not even cabs in sight, you need to
call them, they take 30 minutes to arrive.
Finding an apartment is not easy
either. The place is either like a fortress and costs a fortune, or it is
filled with foreigners and there is so much violence, like random shooting on
the streets, that only a desperate person would ever rent a flat there.
Well, I am not that desperate, I
have a $60,000 a year salary for god’s sake, I am not about to be shot for no
good reason, even though there would be a nice poetic justice to this,
considering my state of mind in the last few years.
I would not mind dying on the
streets of
So I guess I will have to live in
one of these prisons where they charge a fortune for an unfurnished little
living room with a bed coming down from the wall.
10 November 2005
Problems with my Manager/Director
and other management issues
I have destroyed it now. A second
argument, in that many weeks. How many more can we have before I give up and
decide to go back to
What went wrong? What is it that
does not click between us? He said so himself, he is easy going, everyone loves
working with him, he looks like a nice guy. Is it just me? Am I unable to
accept any kind of authority and criticism?
I am certain that if I were to do a
search on the Internet under statistics, survey and Managers, I would discover
that it is the same story for a large portion of the population, when it comes
to their wonderful relationship with their direct line Manager. However there
are ways to deal with this, and I am just unable to deal with this kind of
shit.
It was clear on my face that I was
disgusted, ready to pack my bags and get out. Only $5,000 down the drain, but I
would feel justified, personality conflict with my manager. I just don’t like
him, his deep cavernous voice in the background makes all my body hair stand.
Is there something that I don’t
know? Something eating him and I am just suffering the consequences as a
by-product? Or have I succeeded in alienating him completely with my own
behavior? Let’s review this, so I can understand it better.
Last week… I can’t remember what it
was last week. It was so stupid, so unimportant, that I have already forgotten.
However I am very much living with the consequences now. I basically spotted
the problem on the very first day, if I remember correctly. Even if I still
have no idea what the problem was, but there was something. He was annoyed with
me from the first minute I walked into that office. I’m sure it was not his
decision to hire me, as it was not the one of my boss either. It was his wife.
Last week I thought it was my lack
of knowledge in the topic of their conferences and his impatience with me. This
week, it is that I appear to have been doing everything else except what he
asked me to do. I also take forever to do anything, because I have so many
other things on the side to sort out. He wants me 150% right away, it is just
impossible, not after what I have just been through. For God’s sake, I have
been here less than two weeks and I am far from being sorted out.
Feeling somehow guilty because my
bosses appear to see so much potential in me, whilst they are perhaps
completely mistaken, I worked so fucking hard writing them four more long
reports about my past experience. And these reports, they did not specifically ask
for them, but they did indirectly, with their questions and their desire to
know more.
I thought they would have been over
the moon by now. I have not heard a single word about my six reports of an
average of twelve pages each (I have written them a book!). It is like if I had
never written them. Perhaps I have freaked them out by giving them sensitive
files from the competitors, even if Telecoms is not related at all with what
they are doing, and these files are between 5 to 10 years old. Maybe they feel
I will eventually do the same with their files, who knows. I did not give them
a competitor’s database, I would never. Too late now to go back. They certainly
asked for such files in my first reports, and it was a direct request.
So I spent Monday and Tuesday
writing these reports, because I did not have enough of the weekend to do so. I
had already spent 6 hours this weekend finishing the work that the Manager
asked of me. This also went over their heads. It seems that they can believe
this can be done in two hours, when it took me days. I am sorry, either they
had exemplary employees and they worked very hard and very quickly, which I
doubt, or they have careless employees who are quite happy to do a half job at
every turn.
So now it looks as if I am wasting
time, when in fact I am just being thorough. It is in my nature, but I am
learning right now to forgo my nature and become a careless employee as well,
as long as I can finish the job within two hours instead of two days. The
secret must be to give them just enough to be able to pretend I have done a thorough
job when in fact I would certainly not base any business decisions on that
botched work.
When I told the Manager that in the
last two days I was writing reports for my bosses, he checked, and
unfortunately my bosses did not support me. They told him that they had not
asked me to write these reports. So twice now he tried to tell me that I was
bullshitting him. Of course, I was hoping my reports would be well received and
that they would defend me. It has not happen, I think they felt my reports were
useless.
I also think that it was a
ridiculous thought that I could have believed for one second that a company
hiring a Management Consultant would change anything of how they are conducting
their business. If it works, why would you change anything? In fact, why would
you even hire a Management Consultant with a high salary? It is so puzzling, I
am losing sleep over this. I cannot make head or tail of my situation.
My Manager, who is in fact a
Director, has no experience whatsoever about the type of events I am working
on. In fact, the only person who has any sort of experience about this is my
good friend sitting next to me, the one who welcomed me at LAX airport (my
valley girl). She is just a Manager but was recently told that she was the
Director of her events, because of what I wrote in one of my early reports.
This perhaps has killed the faith
of my Line Director. He was one of two Directors before, now he is afraid that they
will all soon be called Directors, and it is my fault. He told me today to not
listen to her, to not even discuss my event with her, since he may want to do
everything differently. Except, he has no clue about how to go about it, and
she does. It is a big dilemma for me, since I will have to do that damn event
which will take me six months to do, just that. This is how complicated they
are.
He is an old tree, and he fights
back any kind of change whatsoever. Only my first two reports had an impact so
far, slight changes, and it might already be too much for him. He must be
dreading the new decisions which could be made because of my reports, so he is
certainly not happy that I concentrate on that instead of his ridiculous lists
I need to research on the Internet all day.
Everything I have done so far
should have been done by an assistant they could have paid almost nothing. Especially
that this company is based on people who have assistants, half the company has
the word Assistant in their job title. Something I have always suggested they
change for Executives, since it would help them in their job.
It is sad when someone has so much
potential, so many good ideas, and the experience to back it up, but is
prevented in doing anything because change is a frightening thought. So their
Management Consultant will actually be a Conference Producer instead, and just
an assistant at that. Which is fine by me, with that kind of salary, in a
country where the standard of living goes through the roof. However I would
have liked to have been told that I would only be an assistant, I wish I could
be told now so I would know where I stand.
I can adapt to that, no problems. I
feel there is a conflict at the moment in the management lair, and I am
powerless to do anything about it. I just suffer the wrath of their Director
and, since I cannot just let it go down my back like water on a duck, the
situation might just explode.
I certainly have no experience as a
Management Consultant. The only thing I know now, is that the second job title of
a Management Consultant should be Executive Director, so he or she would have
the power to crush the little people who cannot accept any change.
I am sure it also fries him that
despite my young age compared to him, I have perhaps as much experience if not
more than him in the world of conferences. And not only that, it is an
experience from just about every large competitor they have. So my bosses
appear to have told him that the little moron that I am has more experience
than the old tree that he is, since he came to me once shouting: so you think
you have more experience than me!? That statement alone tells it all.
Of course, he can only see me as
someone without any experience whatsoever, called upon to make all the wrong
decisions when he knows it all himself, and he is probably the one who should
have changed his title to Management Consultant. However, his experience is
limited to the one company he has worked for, for perhaps 10 years, and I’m not
even sure if it has been that long.
So you can understand my problem,
and I am starting to understand it better myself. Perhaps I had just no
realized that I would be perceived as a threat. And now that I have realized
that, I will be more amused by his little panic attacks. I just wished that I
was certain that my own analysis of the situation was right.
At the moment I can only see that
this week I have taken the piss, working on reports to satisfy my bosses, when
I should have been trying to please my Line Director. I did assess that
situation at the beginning of this week, I quickly surmised that it was more
important for me to show my bosses I was indispensable, instead of searching
the Internet all day for the Director.
And somehow something tells me that
it will pay off. The mitigated reaction of my bosses must have been to calm him
down, to keep the right balance. Secretly I am sure they are reading every
single word I have written and that soon they will not only appreciate me, they
will change everything.
Oh, I feel so much better now! I
just hope I am right. And if I am right, I am glad that I am learning so
quickly. Something which would not have been possible if I had not written it
all down tonight, after drinking three beers in a row.
I feel like I have acquired some
sort of wisdom now. What was on my mind when I walked back from work was more
like: I am unmanageable, a crisis will develop, I am useless, I just can’t work
with anyone, etc.
I need to start my own business or
else I will just be going from job to job, suffering with my line Manager for
six months to a year, before I leave right after the whole thing crumbles to
dust behind me. Now, instead of panicking back at my panicking Director, I can
just sit back, relax, and look at him destroy himself.
Don’t get me wrong, I would like it
to be different, I am certain he is the best employee they ever had and will
ever have. It is important that he stays. His reaction can only be explained by
the fact that they did not include him in any of the real management
discussions. As a result he now feels as if all this change is not necessary
and superfluous. And to be honest, I feel that he is right.
However I have been hired to tell
my own experience, analyze it and propose solutions. So I am doing what I am
being paid for. It is their decisions to apply my suggestions or not. And the
old tree is completely right if he states: what the fuck does he know about
this business? Completely right, I am sure he knows more than I will ever do.
But I don’t care, I have to fulfill my role and somehow I feel I will
appreciate that role, even if heads will have to roll over.
No one gives me shit, or else I am
leaving. I don’t care if it is after two hours on the job. But now it is not as
simple. I am asking for trouble with a title like Management Consultant. I
represent a real danger. So I have to adapt my attitude and behavior. Ultimately
the other employees should always lose over me. Otherwise, why hire a
Management Consultant, if not to implement changes?
And old trees, if they cannot
accept the changes, it is written in the book, they will need to go. Let’s try
to save them, by all means, but if they become unmanageable, recalcitrant, what
can we do? Here is the door my friend. Start your own business if you feel that
you have all the knowledge in the world to do so.
And this is exactly how I feel
right now. I feel I know so much about the conference world, especially after
writing so many reports in the last year, that it is a waste that I should tell
people what to do. I should do it myself. However, let’s not forget that I just
declared bankruptcy. For whatever the reasons. But who cares? Getting money to
finance projects, is what all our conferences are about right now. And all
these people have no money, just a promising product or service which cannot
fail (though in most cases it fails miserably).
And my company could not fail
either, because I know what failed and what succeeded all over the damn place,
all over the world, in virtually all the main conference companies there are. Just
a shame that I could not care less about the conference world and I am still
trying very hard to free myself from it. Somehow I thought
What is also funny, is that if it
was my own business, I would not follow most of my suggestions, I would do
everything differently. This is something I have recently realized, it is never
the same when it is not your own company. If it was your own, you would act and
behave differently. Because then, you would actually care. Something no
employee ever has been able to do. We just don’t give a shit, we’re just
employees trying to survive our day, to get a pay check, and somehow try to still
have a life outside of work, if possible.
And this is something most
employers cannot understand and I’m not certain if there is a solution to that
problem. Unless the employees somehow also could own parts of the company and
it was actually worth it for them to work harder. Otherwise, good old generous
bonus schemes might do the trick.
11 November 2005
Backstabbing and mind games at work
I came in the office this morning
and it was the hardest thing I had done in quite a while, harder than passing
through customs. I was so afraid and worried, I felt I really did not belong
there. Or that no one really wanted me there. I have tried hard to succeed, to
impress them in my first two weeks, and perhaps I have just failed somehow
(isn't that amazing after all that I have written?).
I worked on my director's stuff
last weekend, I will also work on it this weekend. It might not be enough. This
time I will not escape my fate, something will happen. My boss just asked me to
come into his office, however I have to wait until another guy leaves it. What
is it that he wants to talk about? Is it related to the director's impatience
with me? Can I be blamed for all this somehow?
What's the worse that he could tell
me? That I am quite insubordinate, unresponsive, working on other things that I
should not be working on? I think it will also be about my general attitude,
being incapable of being a Yes Sir type of guy, when someone accuses me of
incompetence.
It is going to require all my
restraints not to tell him that I quit, in a minute, if he goes into attack
mode. Because then, I would have nothing to lose, it would be clear that I
would have alienated both the director and the boss. What chance do I stand to
survive in such a company?
It was already so difficult to
survive the first two weeks, I did not even dare go to the toilet or go get a
coffee unless I was desperate. Today I can't even talk anymore, I want to disappear
at my desk. What will it be today and next week after my conversation with the
boss?
I really need my weekend now, three
days off would be even better. Stephen did it today, but I can't do that after
only two weeks. I have so many things to sort out, it was a crazy idea to start
working almost the very next day I arrived in a new country. I never had the
time to breathe, I have barely took my stuff out of my suitcases.
Just had my meeting. The director
told my boss that I said that I was only here to be a consultant, and not do
anything else. I told my boss that I made it clear to the director that I was
quite happy to work on anything that I was asked to do (and in fact, I
certainly don't mind even if they ask me to clean the toilets). So that was his
angle. My boss told me that I was also hired to do menial things way below my
skills, and I should accept it. So I reassured him, that I did not mind about
that at all and the director misunderstood me (yeah, what a backstabber!).
And now I will have something else
to do. The director will contact me from his home (he works from home on
Friday) so I can contact a few companies for another event, which will prevent
me from doing the other stuff I need to do, so I will have to work on this over
the weekend.
I seem to have survived the second
round, though this time I was called into the office. I am pretty certain that
I won't survive a third round, so I really have to disappear and work hard like
crazy. And I think it is clear now that my reports had no impact on them, they are
not pleased I worked on this for two days this week. So it is important I prove
to them that I can be the best conference assistant there is.
I went to the toilet, and then I
went to buy some chips, but then I bought my first egg sandwich downstairs. The
girl was very nice, however I went through such a panic state because I was
away from my desk for over 12 minutes, I bitterly regretted having decided to
go to the toilet. And now I am in desperate need to go again, but I can't, I am
under observation.
I think I have been identified
already as a bad employee since my director has been working very hard, as I
thought he would, at reporting back as much negative stuff about me as he could
to my boss. I'm pretty sure by now they regret having hired me, and I feel bad
about all this.
You should only allow a company to
import you if you are completely convinced that you can truly help that company
and that you are the best. Well, I may have thought that, and at the time I
feel it was all justified to come, but I also have to realize now that finally
the company might not require my skills.
If I could go back in time, I would
have decided to stay in
These people have no credibility
whatsoever, and probably no social life either outside of work. Or else, why
would they spend their days trying to prove that a total stranger and new
employee, who has done nothing so far, is just not right for this company or
capable to do anything worthwhile? As it stands, I never had the chance yet to
prove anything about my capacities and my potential. I was judged the very
first minute I arrived.
I just received a call from the
director, about what I need to do next for him. And I have been told that it
needs to be done in five minutes, when in fact, again, it should take hours if
not days. He spent more time telling me what to do than it would have taken him
to do it himself. I think it is a game, to see how low I am willing to sink
before exploding. What he does not know is that I don't mind doing it and I
will work hard to do it as fast as I can.
He acted as if he had not
backstabbed me to the boss, as if now I was back in the rank and all ready to
listen to him and obey his orders. I am far from that point, and I guess we
will just have to wait until the third round, probably next week. I am pretty
sure now that it is unavoidable.
13 November 2005
What to do on a Sunday when in
I have been freaked out all
weekend. Moreover, I was unable to explain why. It is a familiar feeling
however, I felt it when I just arrived in
In most places however I had
friends or other people to relate to and to make me forget this weird state of
mind. Even though I still had Stephen when I moved out of his apartment to go
and live in a hotel room in
Usually it would subside, though I
am certain it would never have subsided in
Yesterday, Saturday, I was in some
sort of panic because I thought I needed to work on the files of my director,
do research and find the companies’ websites, CEOs, CFOs and contact details. I
worked 8 hours straight on it and I still feel I have not done enough.
He will again think that I am not
very efficient, as I seem to be taking forever to do anything, and he expects
it done instantly. I can’t do more than that anyway, so he will and I will have
to live with it. I finally decided that today I would not do any more research.
Work will be done at work from now on, I will just have to not waste my time
and be as efficient as I can be.
My main other worry was to find an
apartment, as it has become clear that I won’t have one next door, since no one
has given their 30 day notice yet. So I took the time to go to reception of my
apartment building to find out information about remaining here. Though it is
quite expensive, it is also not as expensive as I thought, once you decide to
rent unfurnished. It is also most practical. It is the closest I could be from
my work, so I would not need a car immediately.
Electricity, water, phone, Internet
and Cable are all included, otherwise I would have to contact all these utility
companies and they would want to do credit checks. Unfortunately,
There is also that Stephen might or
might not join me, and I need a lease of maximum four months, which is possible
here. Unfurnished also means that I keep the stove, fridge, bed, sofa, chairs
and lamps. All I could have hoped for anywhere else was perhaps a fridge.
Though next door I would have had the same, but with the utilities to be added,
the price would have been similar.
So the apartment is kind of sorted,
and I worked on my research yesterday, and I now have a mobile phone. I found a
way to unlock it today on the Internet, my special Mobile Pocket PC phone works
here, thank god, pay as you go as well, even better.
Now, all I have to do is to write
that letter to my finance advisors, and hope my plans will be acceptable to
them, since they are controlling my life from afar. I don’t have to pay my due
for the next three months, and that was not easy, because they freaked out
completely when they found out that I was in
So why am I still feeling so bad and
lost? It is Sunday after all, and tomorrow is back to nightmare time with my
director. I can already hear him say my name, and again it gives me the shiver.
When I started my other job in
I am also very much alone, despite
being in the best place on Earth. You should have seen the sunshine this
afternoon, the palm trees and the atmosphere. I should be inspired like hell,
am I driven to despair instead.
There is this great out there
outside of my apartment, but I am stuck in my studio all day, unable to decide
to go anywhere on my own. There is a Disney World in town, can you believe. This
is the last place I would go from fears that seeing all the Disney characters
walking around, might be all that I need to tip me over the edge and convince
me to kill myself right there on the spot.
I still wish to go to the
observatory,
I could go to the beach,
It reminds me when I was going to
all these great European cities for conferences, and remaining in my room
instead of visiting, while I had the chance.
Still, I might change my mind and
my disposition, it has been only two weeks after all. Change is never easy,
especially on that kind of scale. It is not everyday that you move to the
You need a lot of imagination
however to convince yourself that you are in the middle of it all, when you are
not part of any of it. I am like an observer observing the low life forms of
17 November 2005
Performing miracles at work and
succeeding in
One more day and it is the weekend.
I can hardly wait. Thanks to thanksgiving, next week I only work three days. I
will have four days to get out of here and visit
My director is not back at work
tomorrow, Friday he works from home. Nothing happened this week, only kind
words have been exchanged. My bosses made sure of it, I worked on some other
research instead. I think everyone knew that a third time in a third week would
have been the end of my employment there.
I still feel quite pressured
though, I think my boss is trying to assess how quickly I can come up with a
whole competitive research in the markets, and he is awaiting reports within
hours instead of days. I’m pretty sure they are wondering if I am slow, and
unfortunately I am. I cannot within one day and a half do a whole search of all
competitive events, learn everything there is to know about business
partnerships between the public and the private sectors in construction and
transportation, and come back with the perfect idea for a congress which will
not flop, but will make a few thousand dollars instead.
I thought I was quick and clever, I
guess they had other expectations. They thought I would be some sort of
magician capable of performing miracles. It is clear my knowledge and
experience is simply not required, only my abilities to produce an event in two
days, when it takes months.
This is a sad story and I am not
very proud of myself. I could work at night, but I am so tired and I have so
many other things to do, it is just impossible. I don’t like the idea either to
be working all Saturday just so they feel I am capable. I would actually prefer
to have a life.
Everyone here wish one thing, to
make it in the film industry. And many people are working within it, it must be
their biggest industry. The girl who welcomed me at LAX, who was a new Director
but has reverted back to her title of Manager (and she told me lies about it,
as if I would believe that she feels she does not deserve the title so she
decided to abandon it), she was in commercials when she was young. She claims
she hated it, I believe she tried everything to move into movies or television
and it never came true.
Her husband worked in
documentaries, and wasted two years of his life trying to succeed, he was never
paid. He now has $20,000 in debts. Sounds very familiar, it is perhaps what I
have added to my debt in my two years of working full time in television and
cinema. He finally decided to move into the music licensing field, where it
actually pays. He used to be responsible for the marketing at the Universal
Studios. Impressive. I wonder why he is no longer working there.
Another of my colleagues, the one I
suspect is gay, lives in
But perhaps no one has any great
talent, I just don’t know. My colleague said that it is all about who you know,
so I guess I will have to eventually meet the right people. Maybe those
untalented colleagues have the contacts, and these contacts have written them
off because of a lack of talent. Who knows? They appeared impressed by what I
have achieved so far, I don’t really know why, especially that I can’t do it
again, well, not yet anyway.
20 November 2005
Got to start writing that film
script
I am in some sort of existential
crisis. Woken up on this Sunday morning at 4 am, and wondering why it is that I
exist and if it is worth it. I have no more motivation for anything, I don’t
want to do anything, and I spend most of my time worrying about that research I
need to do at work. In an ideal world, I would be spending most of the day
working on it. I have some sort of report to write, and if I don’t do it, my
boss will definitely think I was not worth bringing over from
I miss
This is mad, being in L.A., where
all that is on offer in the world is probably just a few miles away from me, my
destiny and all, and yet, I spend most of my time writing reports, doing
research, and not leaving my apartment from a lack of energy and motivation.
What could I do? Where could I go?
Who could be my new friend or friends? I will have lunch sometimes next week
with my colleague from
So far nothing happened, I have not
written one line, I have not modified my website, I have not tried to meet the
right people. I have done nothing. When will I get into gear? Should destiny
happen on its own and I should just be patient? Will it again just fall from
the sky, without me having to work hard to make it happen?
I can see I am not going to work
hard and that I don’t have what it takes to storm into the studios asking for
work. Perhaps I need to meet new people, I have no clue about where I could
meet them. Maybe I should go to the Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, or the Drug Addicts
meeting, I guess this is where most important people spend their days these
days, especially in
I feel that I am building a hole for
myself at work. I’m not sure if they appreciate my personality. Especially that
valley girl next to me. I don’t think she likes me and I should not worry too
much about it. God, I am already thinking about my way out of this company, when
my whole life at the moment depends on this job. Without it, it is time for
radical changes on a massive scale, return to
I don’t like this situation. Before
anything, what should be falling from the sky, is enough money to give me the
freedom I need to write all day. And I am in the one place on the planet where
this could be possible, but only if I can prove myself first. Which means
working a lot without being paid. Something I refuse to do.
I think I will just go back to bed.
Tomorrow is another day where nothing will happen, just work on this report.
Great way to spend a Sunday in
22 November 2005
I failed big time at work with my
last report, my days are numbered
I worked like crazy all weekend on
my report and research about this conference I am working on. I was motivated
by the impression I have that my bosses are not very impressed with anything I
have done so far in my three weeks in
I felt great last night once I sent
my research and report, I thought I would go to work the next day happy for
once, with my head high. I knew I would not come back as some sort of miracle
worker, but at least I might have shaken this bad taste they have so far of my
performance.
However I entered the office as a
ghost, and when my boss called me in his office an hour later, he sounded as if
he was very disappointed with me and almost ready to tell me that I needed to
get into gear and get him some results about all this.
I understood then that he never
actually opened his emails this morning and did not know I worked hard all
weekend. No wonder why I felt like a ghost for the first hour. And the main
problem is that even after he reads all that, I will still feel like a ghost,
because it will not have made him happy or he won't show any kind of reaction
or emotion. So I will never know if he truly appreciates my work or not, and in
doubt, of course I will feel like I am totally incompetent.
I really feel bad, I feel
embarrassed to look at any of my bosses and my director. I have no idea what
they think of me, and despite all my efforts, I don't seem to be getting myself
anywhere. Is it going to be another one of these jobs where you work like crazy
seven days a week while still being incapable to satisfy anyone, whilst feeling
under-appreciated? I had the perfect job once where I was considered a miracle
worker and fully appreciated. I guess it could not last.
They are discussing something in
their office right now, I have no idea what it is about, but I'm paranoid
enough to think that it is about me. I have three days to survive this week,
and then four days off. Let's try to survive this, and then we will reassess
the situation after Thanksgiving.
I just spoke with the Mexican girl
in the kitchen. She works in telemarketing but hates it, and says so openly.
She even said she did not like the term telemarketing, I suggested telesales
then, she almost puked.
She was happy today, I asked her
why. She was happy that God gave her the chance to have this job, that he
somehow motivated her to do it so she could have the money to pay her bills.
Gosh, we sure come from a different planet.
She needs that job to survive and
is content to even earn any money. I'm more sort of fed up and cannot
appreciate what I have. I could not stay in a job where I knew I was not
adequate, they would sack me anyway. She is obviously not very successful at
her job and has not confirmed one single delegate in three weeks. I'm surprised
that she is still here to be honest and I am sorry for her, for what is to come.
Not sure if she will be thanking God soon. Still, I have learnt quite a lesson
talking to her this morning, even though I am not quite sure what it is, and I
am not sure if I wish to know.
There is also here a Black guy that
the bosses appear to hold in high esteem. I'm pretty sure it is well deserved
and that he is very competent. He has been with them a long time and will have
his own office once we get the larger offices next month.
His job is to watch over us, to
make sure we don't steal any files, whatever, things like that. He also works
on the website and other IT stuff. I would not be surprised if he was reading
what I am writing now, and reporting it back to my bosses. I understand they
need to take precautions, they after all had someone in the past stealing their
database and starting his own company.
They don't need to be worried about
me, I don't intend to steal anything from their organization, no files or
database whatsoever. I would not know what to do with it and I have enough
files from all my previous jobs to last me a lifetime. I don't even have the
time to go through them. I have databases from previous jobs, but I never gave
them to anyone and of course I would/could never use them. So what is the
point?
If ever I start my own conference
company, it will have to be about subjects for which I have a passion, so I
will be motivated to get up in the morning to work: literature, theoretical
physics, science fiction, space science and paranormal stuff.
I'm pretty sure conferences are
where people meet to go on to accomplish great things. I believe that this
company in
That's it, I'm fried. I did not
have my meeting yet with my boss, but a new file has appeared on the network with
two dozen more events, which I have missed in my hurried research, since last
week he was insisting that I finish this on the same afternoon that he asked
me. I would expect now to be told that my research was not very good, and that
perhaps I was wasting my time.
The truth is that if two persons
had done the same research independently and in parallel, they would both have
come up with a different list of events. So hopefully they won't draw big
conclusions out of this, or put me on the spot about these events I appear to
have missed. Of course it does not make me feel any better. It is going to be a
long three days!
It was horrible! The meeting went
like this: thank you for your preliminary report that was indeed preliminary,
it is all wrong since we found many similar events in the
Unfortunately they don’t trust me
(thankfully for them), so his wife did the same research in parallel. And now
they both know I am incompetent. Though I can justify myself quite easily, ask
anyone to write a report instantly without knowing anything about the subject,
and ask him this report without any proper research, and this is what you get.
And the events she found, I found
them all myself. I just did not include them from a lack of time, or they were
in Europe or
Anyway, most of the conferences she
found were completely off topic. That made me feel better, but I am apparently
the only one who realizes that, because I am the only one who read them all.
Still, how could have I been so
wrong? In just about all my conclusions? Is it possible that all that I have
written, all those reports, are also completely wrong and based solely on what
I think instead of facts? This is worrying. I failed like I never did before in
my entire career in conferences.
If they had doubts about me before,
now they have the full confirmation. I was the wrong guy, and it is more
difficult to get rid of me now since I came all the way from
Perhaps I should make it easy for
them. If I fail again, I will tell them that I’m going back. In the meantime, I
will retain my check for the apartment until the very last day of the month,
which is, unfortunately, next week. I have until then to make a complete fool
of myself again, the sooner the better.
I would leave without regrets. This
whole enterprise has been paved with mistakes from the start. I just simply
cannot keep up with what they are asking. I need time, and time is not in
abundance. I will again make a mistake. And I feel I have already past the
point of no return.
Oh well, my month in
And I swear, I will endeavor to
never have another boss again. No more social hierarchy, I’m just not cut up
for this. I will somehow have to find a way to be my own boss. Another
impossible idea.
22 November 2005
It seems like a lifetime has passed
since yesterday. I plugged myself onto the new Depeche Mode album this morning,
on my phone, and I have been listening to it all day whenever I was not sitting
at my desk.
I desperately needed some sort of escape
to fight being alienated by this reality. And while I was walking in the sun in
the Valley, looking at all the mountains around and listening to Nothing’s Impossible
over and over again, I thought this is perfect, it could not be better.
I spent the rest of the night after
work trying to figure out a way to go see Depeche Mode in concert at the
After being unable to figure out how
to use the transport system in Los Angeles (have I really lost that many brain
cells since my arrival in L.A. that I can’t even conceptualize how to take a
damn bus?), and after understanding that I would arrive an hour and a half late
at the concert, I had to abandon the idea. It would have been so nice.
So I spent the night watching
Depeche Mode videos and debating with an Indian in
And considering how wrong I had
been two days ago with my report, I was suddenly convinced that all my theories
were off the mark. His questions were hard, but ultimately I spent the time to
think about why I thought these things, and thankfully I still think the same.
It has been ten years now, with
over 300 correspondents and perhaps 3,000 emails, all designed to convince me that
I was wrong, and I am still convinced that I am right. At least no one was able
to do a little research on the Internet, find a few more events I had missed,
and destroy all my findings and conclusions in less than five minutes. Maybe it
was an isolated incident and I should not think about it anymore.
I did tell my boyfriend though that
I was ready to come back, and that before paying my rent, I will be talking to
the woman who hired me. In an instant in his mind I was already back in
However again today I found a way
to not shine so much. I took the whole day to print over 2,000 pages of all
these events found on the Internet. My boss did say to print only the relevant
ones, but which ones are they? I don’t know! They all looked very relevant to
me. So I printed them all and wasted the whole day. We were supposed to have
our meeting at 7 am this morning (well 8 am since that is the time I arrive in
the office, unlike everyone else there). I’m sure tomorrow will be as bad.
At the end of the day my boss was
peeing in the public toilet, in one of those awkward moments, and I was
splashing water over my face… I left without saying a word. Gosh, right there
you had the perfect picture to describe my life since I arrived in
And now, after watching all those
Depeche Mode videos, I feel like writing a whole successful and inspired album.
But hey, I am a writer, and writing film scripts or novels or blogs, does not
seem to me to be so adequate.
I will not be transporting anyone
anywhere else, I will not touch them in an emotional way. I cannot have any
impact on anyone whatsoever, not even myself when I read my things. And this is
becoming more than frustrating. I wish I could take a life off and learn music
and do something for a change.
The closest I have been to music is
with my poetry, which I have been told by some grand-ma that it has caused a
few suicides. Oh, so I can reach people emotionally then, great news! I should
get back to what I can do, poetry.
I’m not so motivated now, but I
would have certainly written a few dark pages tonight, the darkest ones in a
long time. On my way back from work, walking around the Valley, I wanted to
scream out what had been contained under pressure inside of me for the last few
days and weeks. I thought I was going to split and that a nuclear bomb was
about to explode. I would have loved
I have not started my usual
fictional book that I am always writing in parallel to my journal/blog. I’m
getting tired, I have written so many now, and still only one of them has been
published, and the worst thing is that it was quite a success. No other
publishers can see that, I have not told anyone, not sent any other books to
publishers. Never had the time, the money, the energy.
No more of these books published,
means no motivation to write another one. I should at least put my last one
online, it is still too soon after my last job, many people could recognize
themselves.
Still, I wonder what I would have
written tonight if I had started another one of those dark poetry books. I
should start thinking about a title, it is always a great help. The last one
was great, if I may say so myself. Working in
I investigated tonight where I
could put this blog, found Wil Wheaton’s blog and
I will have to investigate free
websites. Which reminds me, someone wishes to buy my main website, not sure if
he wants the content as well or just the URL. Fascinating how quickly I was
happy to sell it. I would accept peanuts for it, I want to get rid of it. I can
no longer be associated with anarchists, I never was anyway except via the
title of my website. You understand now why I wish to remain anonymous. I do
reach out, unfortunately.
Any search with a French word in it
leads straight to my website, as many of my previous managers found out in
time. Funny, their names never highlighted any web page. It’s like none of them
ever existed. Someone one day in a thousand years will look at all the crap
published on the Internet, and would not find one single reference to any of
the people I worked with in my whole life. I guess we cannot all be filled with
vanity and have an Ego the size of a small planet. Fortunately.
So finally a lot happened today.
What else? A woman called, from where I live, she is part of the management. I
thought she was calling to let me know that I could not rent this studio, that my
name was blacklisted by an obscure bank lost in the North of Canada
(practically in North Pole). And since
Thankfully she just wanted to
convince me to rent my studio for much longer, to which I answered that I had
already signed the papers to do so. Great communication. I should have known
that in the
My publisher contacted me, to tell
me I was his hero because I was in L.A. Nice how powerful the imagination can
be, when in fact I am just about to die of boredom in between my four walls.
I did go see a movie yesterday
though, and not any movie, a preview for free, so we can tell them it’s crap
just before they release it anyway. It is true that last time I went to see
such a movie in
Yesterday it was Juliet Lewis and
the actress from Alias, a boring story, but I was in the right frame of mind
for it, I was desperate for anything that could change my mind from my recent
nightmare. So I said it was excellent, they did not keep me after the film so I
could destroy it better, like they did in
I wonder how many movies are never
released every year. Maybe actors work harder than I initially thought. Must be
frustrating to have worked a few months on a film which will never see the
light of day. I guess you then have no right to say you appeared in that movie,
since it actually never existed.
Many people who worked on the film
were there in the cinema, including directors, producers, etc. One of them was
fat and annoying, he looked like a bastard, and reminded me a bit of my actual
boss, though my boss comes across as a nice guy.
It drove me insane that this could
be the type of people I would work with in the movie industry. People with no
imagination, permanently in a bad mood. We should call them life and creativity
destroyers. And why would these people have anything to do with films? It is a
mystery to me. I admit that I could be wrong, maybe he is a teddy bear and he is
responsible for most great movies I have seen recently. I doubt it.
One of the actors was also in the
room, but I don’t know his name. I remember his face though from other films. Here
in
They all seem to be or have been
involved in that industry, except my two bosses. They are an anomaly. I don’t
understand why they have started a business in
Perhaps I dreamt them up in my wish
to move here and they did not exist before my arrival. It would explain the
mystery. I wished to move here, I created that company and it became reality.
However, why would have I created so many problems and less than ideal
conditions? Because then, I would not have anything to blog about, I guess. It
was certainly done on a subconscious level, that’s for sure.
I forgot to tell you something
quite interesting about the idea that I might have created this whole reality
in order to move here. And how my creation could be as limited as a film. It is
like in the movie Thirteenth Floor (if you live in
Well, when I rented that car and
decided to follow
Every block had the same shops and
restaurants, and I could never tell if I was going anywhere or if somehow I was
stuck in a time loop, covering the same block over and over again. It was
astonishing.
I had never experienced such a
thing, it must be the most boring street in the world, except for a part where
there are palm trees on each side of the road. But then again, it goes on
forever and the apartments at the back all look similar from one block to
another. There was no personality, interesting architecture or character
anywhere on that street which seemed to go on forever.
I’m sorry if I insult a few people
here, but come on, I lived in
I really reached a point in my mind
of a deep sense of disorientation, wondering if this was life, existence, the
same shops and restaurants and gas stations over and over again, multiplied to
the infinity to satisfy our needs. Funny how I don’t need much these days to go
into a spin and reach complete existential crisis mode. I must be more fragile
than I thought.
Then the whole concept of art and
design made so much sense in my mind, and this idea of regeneration of areas
which appear to have lost their will to live and to be distinctive and
different.
We should bomb
I think
PPP means Public-Private
Partnership. It is a way for governments to let the private sector build
everything which would normally be paid for by the people. In return, the
private investors get millions and billions in the long term via rent, tolls,
other financial benefits.
They always get much more than what
it would have actually cost if the government had put the money to build it in
the first place. However the government does not need money to get the program
or project going, and since Bush has no money for that, then PPP is very
popular.
It should have one great advantage
though, hopefully the private sector will finally build some interesting
infrastructures, something we might actually want to look at, instead of making
us feel like running away to
Sorry for saying it, but I think
Of course, I did not have the time
to start living in
23 November 2005
Last day in the office before
thanksgiving and my chance to visit
I am back at work for my third day
before thanksgiving. I thought I would not have survived it, however so far so
good. It is 9h14, my boss has not jumped on me yet, has not told me that
everything I had done took forever and was all wrong, and he has not asked me
to do something else within an unrealistic time frame.
I am pretty sure he is brewing at
the moment and any second now all of what I was hoping was not going to happen
today will suddenly happen and ruin my last day in the office before the
holiday.
I found a way at work to write in
English without being detected. I usually pick an Excel file I always use, save
it under the same name but with mh at the end for Mycroft Holmes, and I write
in the column DZ, row 500. I don't even make the column or the row wider, I
mainly write at the top where we should be inserting equations.
If ever they were to look at my
files, there is no way they would be able to spot the few words they could see
in column DZ row 500. And then I move the file to a floppy disk, so the file is
never being deleted on my system. There is a copy however in my History, and I
need to delete it as soon as I finish working on the file. I also need to
remember to close the file whilst the cursor is back at A1, since these Excel
files remember where you were last time you saved them.
At 9h I went downstairs to the Café
to buy a toasted egg sandwich from the little Chinese woman. The sandwiches are
not as good as in
I never took the time in the last 4
weeks to go and buy a sandwich, only three times in fact I did so. Because I
was so on edge at work, or working so hard in total panic mode to try to do
something as quickly as humanly possible... I am always frightened that either
the director or my boss will come around and ask me to go in their office. No
one should live like that and I wonder if this will change or not in time.
It is weird that he has not called
me in the office yet, I am starting to feel guilty. I might go and see him in
20 minutes to ask if I should start calling people, maybe I should go now. It
would not surprise me if he were to say at some point today: what, you have not
started to call all these people yet? What have you done all day?
In fact, what I have done this morning
is to read about the Trans-Texas Corridor, and what that is goes something like
this: "The Trans-Texas Corridor (TTC) is a proposed multi-use, statewide
network of transportation routes in
And as if that was not boring
enough, I went on to read the 824 pages document of SAFETEA-LU, which means:
"Safe, Accountable, Flexible, Efficient Transportation Equity Act: A
Legacy for Users." It is the Public Law 109–59, 109th Congress, to
authorize funds for Federal-aid highways, highway safety programs, and transit
programs, and for other purposes.
If I did not feel like shooting
myself before, I certainly do now!
Last night I was in such a mood, I
drank myself to death and could not sleep until 4 am. I was feeling bad for
having abandoned Stephen and the cats, and how they appear to suffer terribly
now that I am gone. I also cried, and I have to stop myself right now. I sincerely
hope he will be able to work here and that we will be happy in this company, or
else eventually I will have to go back to
I truly feel like I love him, even
after 10 years together, which is quite amazing. I really miss him and suffer
more from his sufferings than my own. It is not the first time I do this to
him, I left for
This morning I thought that if anything
was going to happen to me in this lifetime, it will be in
Now, what I don't understand is why
I still have the same feeling of wishing to be hit by a car? I think it is all
down to the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. Since forever I have
always been unlucky and had to survive quite a huge bunch of horrible people
making my life a misery.
Not sure if there is something I
need to learn about this repeating pattern, to love the devil perhaps, learn to
not be frightened of the dark side, but I sure failed at every level and I will
again. Meaning that I will be stuck repeating this pattern over and over again until
I die. At least the scenery changes after each five to ten years, now I am in
24 November 2005
Racism and homophobia at work or
just personality conflict?
It has
been hard this week. I am on holiday for four days, I miss my baby very much. We
could go around town together, at the moment I don’t feel like going on my own.
I’m sorry I’m responsible for making him suffer, I suffer too, and I wish we
could be together. I would love to take him in my arms. I hope he will find
ways to forget suffering about me being here.
It is
ridiculous, it has been only three weeks, but it seems like forever when he is not
around, and that I am all alone. Maybe Isabella will become my friend, I would
like that. She is very funny.
I went
to McDonald with Isabella and her son yesterday after work, the girl from
It means
that they only pretend to be disappointed and to be expecting more in order to
throw us into panic mode so we work harder and harder, even at home. I also
believe that even if they were impressed or happy with my work, they would not
say so, so you never really feel like that now you can relax, you worked well.
I felt
right into their trap, letting it get to me and allowing it to emotionally kill
me. Unfortunately these mind games, even though they are as old as capitalism,
are still working fine, and I can’t just cure myself from this stress. I still
feel like I am not good enough for them.
If I knew
that my reports were appreciated (except the last one), it would make me feel
better. I need to read that last report again, maybe it was not that far from
the truth after all. I just hope in time they will agree.
I think
I can continue with this job, not sure if I will have a talk with my bosses on
Monday before signing for and paying my apartment and hence confirming that I
will be staying in L.A. for at least four more months.
Isabella’s
brother studied cinema, the whole thing. He can direct, produce, edit, author
DVD, etc. What a surprise, another one. I’m sorry he was sacked, and I know now
that it was a conflict with my valley girl who just could not stand him. I’ve
got to be careful, or the same thing will happen to me.
Isabella
said that when her brother started to work there, no one liked him, contrarily
to the other Mexican which everyone loves, including my famous director. The
fact that they like the other Mexican guy can be justified by his great
personality, I like him very much myself. There is nothing in him that is
threatening, and he is a great “Yes Sir” type of person.
Isabella
said that it was typical of this director to either like you or loath you, and
he was rude to her brother, as he is rude to me. She said that she could feel
how patronizing he was with me, so it was not in my imagination.
She
blames it on the fact that we are foreigners, so I guess to be French-Canadian,
as far as my director is concerned, is like being a Mexican or someone from
I never
suffered discrimination for being French, it is the first time I would suffer
from racism that I am aware of. Well, there have been a couple of instances in
the past where I did suffer from racism, but I won’t get into that now.
I guess
when you are flooded with Mexicans (when in fact I feel that this town belongs
to Mexicans and it is the Americans who are flooding it), French-Canadians can
be put in the same bag. Mix it all up together, add some onions and make a nice
salad with it that you can eat at lunch time.
I don’t
know if it is racism or homophobia, or the threat that I represent for being young,
having that much experience, with a title like Management Consultant. It must
be difficult in court to justify racism, unless some specific events happened,
and in this case he never mentioned anything that could suppose racism or
homophobia.
So I am
not ready to say Isabella is right, and the first impression I had of her
brother was not that he could become a great friend, I have to admit. But at
the time he had been under intense pressure for over two months, and he was
sacked within two days of my arrival.
I think
it is simpler than that with the director. Our personalities just don’t match,
he just did not like me from the start. And I think he would not have even if
he had known nothing about me. One good look was enough for him to judge me,
before I even spoke.
And Isabella
confirmed it, he either like you or he doesn’t. Unfortunately he had the time
to do a lot of damage, he has succeeded in destroying my credibility to my
bosses, just as the valley girl did with Isabella’s brother. And I did not help
myself afterwards either, with my string of mistakes.
Dear me,
I was unaware that this place would be so cut throat and that my head would no
longer stand on my shoulder within one day of my arrival. Not sure how I will
survive this, but with Isabella on my side, I may stand a chance.
25 November 2005
Finding happiness and being a
positive force of nature
I would like to apologize to my
readers, I have been obsessed with this director’s business and it seems that
it is all I’ve been able to talk about. It is also a problem I had in certain
of my books. Thankfully my fictional stuff is not about me.
My father, my biggest fan, told me
that sometimes he could not bear it anymore, my long speeches about how
terrible people can be at work and how none of them appears to have read the
right books about great management skills.
And the other half of these books
is about my inner misery which is a direct consequence of the first problem,
which makes my sister not want to read me anymore, as she says death comes back
at every page.
I wanted to become positive, happy
people, but I guess that if I am not happy in my professional life, I cannot
pretend that life is some sort of utopia where living is just breathtaking.
I think I don’t know how to have
fun anymore, I’m not sure I ever did. I read some other blogs about how these
people used to go out all the time, take drugs with their friends from college,
and have the best time in the world.
I don’t remember any of the parties
I have been to, not sure if I have gone to any parties. Well, I suffered a lot
at some parties anyway and I could not wait to get out. And I certainly never
took drug. No wonder I’ve become an old maid before my time.
I should have just jumped on coke
or heroine, just like everyone else around here. Though it is in their past for
most of them, I guess it was a necessary rite of passage before reaching
adulthood and happiness.
I would imagine there are a lot of
these cocaine parties in
It would look too much like a
conference where you need to be on your best behavior, and that, when you are the
producer, is the most boring place on earth. Hell, I even refused to go on tour
or speak at conferences to promote my books, though right now I would welcome
that if I did not have a full time job in parallel.
Which brings me to the great
existential question which is: what is it that could actually make me happy? I
sometimes play this game of asking myself: if you could choose right now
anywhere in the world where you would like to be, and the perfect and ideal
circumstances you would like, what would it be? I asked myself these questions
many times, and the odd and only answer is that I would not want to be anywhere
else with any ideal circumstances.
I must have lost the will to live. And
no success or being famous could change that, I’m afraid. I had a taste of it
with my published books, even if none of them made it to the bestsellers lists.
I still have many fans around the world and receive emails from them. I just
now take it for granted and it has no impact on my happiness.
Dear me, I have done so much
already, I am published, I have been produced, I’ve lived in Europe for eleven
years, I have a great boyfriend of ten years (even if we don’t have as much sex
as I would like), I am now in L.A. with a good salary, what the hell is
missing? What is it that will make me happy?
To isolate myself alone on a
mountain somewhere, I thought it would be the solution. However it would not
make me happy, it will just stop me from having to put up with all these people
every day that I just cannot stand. It would be more like a relief. So it is
not really a solution to happiness.
Now, how could someone who thinks
like that ever write positive and wonderful things? How could I free myself
from this negativity and start being impressed with nature and everything
surrounding me? How could I ever make other people happy when I am myself ready
to pull the plug? I will never, I am doomed.
I wish I could identify why it is
that I feel this way. Is it because I am gay, different, marginal? Have I
suffered most of my years in high school, being bullied, to the point that it
destroyed my will to be alive? Is it because I have started to write like a
machine when I was ten years old and it took nearly fifteen years before I was
finally published (of course, existential crisis is not your usual topic for a
bestseller)? Is it because my parents separated many times and eventually
divorced? Is it a mix of all of that?
I feel I was born this way. Like
being gay. I was destined to live an unhappy life, in deep existential crisis. And
it is more philosophical than anything else. I don’t understand who we are,
what is our place in this world. I cannot comprehend this universe we’re living
in, or if there is a purpose to our existence.
I had long a time to think about
it, to write about it, to talk about it, to read about it, and I’m still
nowhere near an answer. Just as I predicted,
28 November 2005
Should I stay or should I go? Can
such a question be asked about
I'm back at work after
thanksgiving. I feel better than last week, but I still need to somehow speak
with my bosses about if they feel I should continue or if I should just go back
to
I did not contact my old employer
to find out if my job was still available, they contacted me. A message about a
speaker on my conference, the Minister tried to get out of speaking at the
event and pretended I never confirmed her. I had a letter signed by her own
hand that she was glad to speak at this event. If I wanted a proof that
politicians cannot be trusted, here it is.
My ex-Manager was asking at the end
how it was here in
I was walking to work this morning
thinking, I could lose all that. I was wondering however what it is that I
would lose, but again I did not have the chance to visit too much and in fact,
I don't know what it is that I would lose by leaving now. On the opposite side,
I was thinking about being back in
Despite all that, going back to
And now, I still need to have a
conversation with my bosses to find out if they wish me to stay, because of course
it is not only my decision. They would probably be surprised to hear that I was
considering going back. I'm sure for them my month has just been business as
usual, while for me it was quite an eye opener. Then again, every time I tried
to understand what was going on here and what was to be expected of me, I have
been wrong. So I should not presume to know best.
It is 8h53, I know my boss is
working on my file, so I don't have to worry too much if he does not come to
tell me what to do yet. He will soon. I will have to call the industry and get
some feedback from them. I also need to record them on tapes and transcribe
everything that is being said. I just hope I can do that fast enough, sounds
like another task which could take me forever. I think I will go and buy myself
an egg sandwich in a minute, since I have to wait anyway. I will have to be
quick though.
This weekend I went to Universal
Studios, only because it was actually the closest tourist attraction. I just
had to jump on the Orange Line, and at
This surface metro line has opened
on the exact day that I have arrived in
Well, I got an annual pass at
Universal since it was the same price as a normal ticket. Without it I would
not have gone in, because I was too late and it would not have been worth
paying that much. I did the usual stuff, Terminator, Waterworld, Back to the
Future, Van Helsing, Shriek. The most interesting stuff, and new stuff in my
case, would have been below, but it was too cold and windy for me to go
anywhere, especially visit the back lot. I ran from attraction to attraction
and I left quickly, I was freezing.
On my way back in the shuttle there
was a family from around here who came to visit
I'm not sure how I will succeed in
speaking about my situation in this office with my bosses. The wife's boss is
definitely avoiding me, it is embarrassing. Why? Why would she avoid me? I can
understand, considering what happened last week, however I have no clue about
what is going on in her mind.
Is she avoiding me because she
feels she did a research and contradicted my findings, and now she thinks I
could feel bad about it and she does not wish to speak about that? Or that she
would hope I would go back to
I am also falling asleep at my
desk, and really there is no reason to, I went to bed at 10 pm last night, I
had 9 hours sleep. I find it frustrating that even after drinking a whole pot
of coffee, I just cannot wake up! I feel like hitting myself in the face until
I get out of my dream state.
A door just slammed, I am not sure
who did it and why. There could be other things going on that I am unaware. The
second most senior conference manager did not look very happy today in the
kitchen. I admired him for his nice personality where nothing appears to be
able to reach him.
Well, he admitted today that he
perhaps did some mistakes and he will have to deal with it today. I said he
would survive, he said he would one way or another. I wonder what he meant by
that and I wonder how serious the situations he created, as he puts it, are
serious. Maybe here anything can be used against you and any report you write
can become the biggest blunder of your life, when in fact it is not that
serious. Another management trick?
I went to get the key for the
toilet, and there she was in front of me, my boss, she froze as if she did not
know what to do or where to go. We have not said good morning or anything. I
hate it, having to go in her office every time I want the key for the toilets.
One day at lunch time I will go and get a double of that key made, so I don't
have to advertise it so much when I go for a pee.
Stephen is so much better than me
in these awkward situations. He would have told everyone good morning and would
not be afraid of confronting any of these people, no matter what. I wish I was
more like that. But looking at them, embarrassed as they are, I am probably
normal, and Stephen is the exception.
I have not done anything this
morning apart from preparing that letter requesting a meeting. I feel bad about
it. I could not go and see my boss, I know he is working on that file. He will
come to me once he finishes and we can move on with this.
Now I understand she was busy, she
had to go and collect the kids in school, and they have other worries like the
renovations of the second office, etc. So I should not read too much into the
fact that we will only meet tomorrow morning. However I wonder if she simply
wishes to talk about this further with her husband tonight? It is quite
possible. They had a one hour meeting together immediately after I sent my
email to her, however they could have been talking about anything else.
I am wondering, is there any way
they could turn around and tell me: thank you for your reports and services,
and have a nice life back in
So what is it? Just reassurance?
Why? Because I feel a bit uncomfortable, because I am in the dark, I don't know
what they are expecting of me? The problems with the director, has it developed
into a massive mountain or is it forgotten?
I guess the meeting is still a good
idea. And you never know, maybe they think they have made a mistake with me and
will be thankful for me to give them the chance to stop it all before it goes
any further. It would be surprising, but it is possible. Tomorrow could be my
last day not only in the office, but also in
I just went to get myself a coffee
in the kitchen. The Black guy kind of asked me weirdly if I was OK, the same
thing the wife's boss asked me before she left. I had something in my eye when
she came to me and I hope she does not think I was sort of emotional about all
this. It would look very bad indeed. It would also mean that all emails I send
to my bosses are being read by that guy, and he is also being told about
everything that is happening in this office.
I would not be surprised either if
the woman in charge of HR, payroll, etc., also has access to all exchanged
e-mails. I might never know about that for quite a while. It would make sense,
since if both bosses are out of the office, someone would need to answer urgent
messages. So not only it is not possible to speak in this office because we are
all sitting over each other, but on top of it sending an e-mail to anyone is
like copying half the company. So I’ve got to be careful, no secret can be kept
here.
29 November 2005
Destiny is re-organizing my life
out of my control, for the best
Once again I feel quite weird in
the office this morning. I know I will meet my boss and I don't know how the
meeting will turn out. She might have decided certain things after speaking
with my director and her husband. I'm sure the director would not have told her
that they should keep me. And her husband could have decided just like that,
that it was perhaps preferable that I leave. Ultimately she does not need their
word, apparently she is quite the business woman and could decide on her own
that it was a mistake.
The director was not here
yesterday, he's back today with his deep voice. I'm glad I'm not working with
him right now, I know I will work with him in the future, I know he will be
patronizing and there will be conflict, that alone convinces me that it would
not be a bad idea if I were to go back to London.
And then, right after saying that,
he followed me in the kitchen and tried to be nice. I was a bit ashamed to tell
him that I went to Universal Studios during Thanksgiving, and he made it clear
he disapproved of it. He appears to be kind of anti-tourist or commercial
himself, and wrote books about the old history of
So we discussed Vincent Van Gogh,
which really could not have been better since I really feel a special
connection with this painter. I went to St. Remy de Provence in
I thought he had a discussion with
my boss today about the meeting, and that he was doing an extra effort today to
be nice since I am after all considering going back to
Today I am having lunch with my
valley girl. Tomorrow it will be the
We are under such surveillance
here, we cannot exchange one word without having our nice black guy following
up within seconds to make sure nothing negative is said. A way to feel like a
Big Brother state, without the need for cameras and monitoring devices. He
checks our computers, as mine had been left on all Thanksgiving when I arrived
yesterday, which means someone checked out my files. I would prefer cameras
because then you can at least forget that they exist and take a bit more
freedom. With a human overlooking you at all time, it is more difficult.
Anyway, I will meet with my
colleagues and I would expect them to tell me how they feel. They will probably
tell me they feel like me and then I will understand that what I have gone
through this last month is completely normal and I was not an isolated case.
And then it will make me feel better and I will be happy to continue working
here for at least four more months. Once my rent ends, I will reconsider my
situation.
It is also possible that they are
quite happy and have not experienced any of what I have gone through.
Especially the
I am in some sort of dilemma, go
and see my boss to ask him for something to do, instead of wasting my time
searching the Internet to learn more about Texas and transportation, or wait
until his wife arrive and have my meeting with her. It would be sensible,
especially that today could be my last day after all.
So I am going to wait, and write,
even if it makes me feel quite guilty.
Merde! I'm trying to reach Stephen,
but he appears to be on the Internet, he does not answer his mobile phone or
read his SMS messages, and he does not appear to be reading his e-mails either.
In this day and age, I just cannot reach him!
I have ten minutes before going to
lunch with the valley girl. I need to talk to him about my meeting with my boss
(his wife was not in today so he invited me in for a chat). So I cannot go to
the bank, I could not speak to him! And I am in a terrible mood about it. I'm
so annoyed with him! What the fuck is he doing online on the Internet, in the
last ten years the guy never even spent two minutes online. It is killing me.
The most urgent moment of all, to sort myself out!
There is no more time, in 6 minutes
I have to go to lunch. I could not even speak with him if he were to call. I
cannot go to the bank, I'll have to wait until tomorrow. And it complicates
things so much!
First of all I need to assess if I
should continue to write this blog as I have been, meaning for myself and not
caring too much about any eventual reader, or if now that I have put it online
and received already a few comments about it, I should try to adapt it to make
it more interesting, meaning changing the topics as often as possible. I don't
think I want to write this for anyone else but me, and if it interests anyone
else, then fine. If it bores them, they can go and read another blog, of the
exact type they wish to read. As simple as that.
Now that I have that out of the
way, there are three things I need to discuss which ultimately brings me to one
main question. The question is, should I get out of
There are many risks, and neither
my conversation with my boss, my colleague the valley girl or my phone call to
Stephen helped me establish the answer to my question. On the contrary,
everything is telling me: get out of here while you can, before everything
crumbles in front of your eyes while you are powerless to save it!
So my boss repeated to me that he
was not impressed with my report and the fact that perhaps he cannot trust my
judgment. I had to defend myself and tell him that I read that report again
today, and I feel I was quite correct and his conclusions were perhaps biased.
It was not really the place to try to save my neck, so I did not insist, the
damage has been done anyway. The important is that they don't think it was a
mistake to hire me, that they hope to eventually see my potential in action,
hence, they want me to stay and discover where our working relationship could
lead.
So this is encouraging, even though
it is not really. I have confirmed that he did not have much time to look at my
reports. He feels they will be interesting to read once he has more time or
develop something more specific about what they are about. So of course all
this hard work was not exactly appreciated. They sacked too many people
recently and he now has to do everything himself, especially marketing.
So he apologized for having left me
alone in my corner for the last two days, and to be honest I don't really mind.
However now I need to come up with the names and contact details of people I
will need to contact to gather intelligence. He gave me that to do since he
does not have the time to work on this.
He did not speak about my problems
with my director, and perhaps I should have. It was impossible since he spoke
mainly about that conference we were working on. It was difficult to bring him
back to the subject at hand, which was what he expects of me and Stephen in the
future.
Well, me being a conference manager
with some report writing when it is the right time, is what is still on the
table, as I expected it to be. For Stephen though it is not as we thought. He
was supposed to be responsible for their new telemarketing department, but of
course, only once they decide to hire more people.
So for quite a while, god knows for
how long, what he will be doing is basically telesales, cold calling people all
day to convince them to attend conferences. I would not do that myself, how can
I expect Stephen to do it? However he did not react when I told him, he was too
busy complaining about the whole thing in general, reminding me it was a crazy
idea and that he would only come for me, and he would sacrifice everything and
the cats, and his mother does not speak to him anymore, etc.
This whole business has turn sour
indeed. And yet, I have to remain here, I have to continue, I need to find out
where it may lead me. I was not exactly encouraged by my valley girl, who told
me, after a while, and only after I had compromised myself enough by telling
her everything I really thought, she finally told me what her experience is.
It took her forever but she finally
thought I was on her side and she told me exactly what I thought myself, about
the director, with whom she too had a lot of trouble with at the beginning.
With the bosses as well, who make her feel terrible, incompetent and never
encourage her whatsoever. She said she was on their black list.
She did not want to tell me about
all these people who appear to have left quickly, some of them lying (one said
he had to go back to South Africa, but he was spotted in the Valley twice, so
he lied to get out of here) and the numerous people who seem to have been
sacked. I would like to know why, so I could at least be reassured that it was
justified and it won't happen to me by inadvertence. But no one will speak
about it, and I know my boss is lying when he tells me why they left.
So I am pretty much at the same
point I was. I have confirmation that my reports were half read because of a
lack of time, so I know they did not help establish my potential. I know I
won't be able to impress them, they will not admit to work well done. I can
only achieve what is expected if I work very hard. As long as they don't call
me in the office to spit on me and my work, then I can assume I am in the
clear. So it is not going to be easy, I never thought it would be, I just did
not expect it to be so bad so soon. My honeymoon was over after 5 minutes.
Now, I am not a wimp, despite what
someone could think reading my complaints, and I can go through this, I will
survive it. I just have to get on with the job, and perhaps it would be a good
idea to stop blogging at work. There are still three hours before the end of the
day, God knows how I will survive it.
It has been hard again this week,
even though it was more emotional and psychological. Hard decisions to make,
depending on certain events requiring full analysis on my part, etc. I just
want to go home and relax, especially that yesterday I did not, having to buy
that bicycle for $80, which was supposed to be new, but I don't think it is and
I had to spend another $46 in tools and lock for it, which means I shopped
until 9 pm yesterday. I should have perhaps bought a new bicycle, it would have
cost me the same and at least it would have worked fine.
The wife of my boss is here this
afternoon. I wonder if she stayed at home this morning in order to avoid
meeting me today. Is she still embarrassed somehow, avoiding me? In which case
I am not out of the woods yet. Something my valley girl said, she hopes to
learn to speak to the bosses, as if somehow communications was a bit like a
train wreck.
I think we are very similar, we
both worry a lot about nothing, we are both highly sensitive and we take
everything very personal. As a consequence we almost become dysfunctional
people. And she said it, we are the perfect employees, because one word is
sufficient to hurt us, bring us into a higher gear and work all night. They just
need to say: have you done this yet? And then we work like crazy and then when
we come back to them with the results, they are happy indeed that it worked
fine, but never say so.
My Spanish friend, the one in
telesales, is actually from
I don't know what she meant by
that, but I suspect that her country is a place where the revolution has been
going on for many years, and probably a tyrant has been at the head of that
country for years, and America must have supported him because somehow they had
some commercial advantages to all that, and what else. It must be the typical
story. I do intend to do some research and find out more about it though. I
could be completely wrong.
Something was a bit weird this
morning in the meeting. Though I know my boss is intelligent, sometimes I
wonder. He said to me I had to answer all the questions he put on a sheet,
there were about 40 questions altogether. I had to answer all these questions
for all the most relevant events. And that was at a time when none of us had
established yet a list of all events, and certainly not established which ones
were the relevant ones. And of course, only he would have known which events
were relevant, since only he had in his mind what he wanted to do with this
event.
For example, he wishes to keep it
very specific, to one particular project. This is something I learned quite
late, after I gave him my report. So today again he accused me of not having
answered his questions, and he acts very stunned and surprised that I could go
away like that, work two days trying to achieve this research, and come back
with not having answered his questions. And he again mentioned that he could
not believe that I did not do a thorough research, enough to find all the
(irrelevant) events his wife found.
Now, I'm sorry to say, but the guy
perhaps is not that intelligent. First he would know I did not have enough time
at the time to first do an exhaustive research of the market, two, not enough
time to write the report, and three, that my report was actually trying to answer
the questions on his guide. Now, why would he decide to be so blind and not see
what is evident? I told him today but his answer was that in which case I need
to be clearer and to the point, he does not have the time to find my answers in
my 4 page report. Fair enough.
At the same time, he wanted me to
answer all these questions for all relevant events. In the end he identified
ten. What he really was asking was actually more like a report of 100 pages,
and he wanted that in two days. This is so unrealistic. I understand now that
these are management tricks, however you still need to be logical in what you
are asking, and reasonable, otherwise we will just disconnect and learn to not
take it personally as my valley girl said and does.
Poor her, actually she was not
responsible for one person being sacked, but two. Her two assistants, whom she
convinced everyone were incapable of doing anything. At the same time she was
told she was incompetent and tells me she is on their black list, especially
after this wedding of hers which took forever to prepare and was taking most of
her time. The wedding cost so much, if they had decided to forgo it, they could
have bought a house instead. And now she regrets not having bought one instead.
I don't think I have mentioned yet
the guy responsible for sales. Probably because he is such a nice guy, until I
guess he finds out I'm gay. I'm pretty sure it won't sit well with him, he is
so much into sports and pushing his kids into football and baseball, etc.
Just saw photos, very nice family.
Somehow I feel he could be gay, or is it just that he reminds me so much of my
first boyfriend, with his manners and expressions. Quite possible, and yet he
is so tactile, especially with the girls around here, he needs to touch them all
the time.
He used to drop me home on his way
back home at 5 pm, but now I have a bicycle, so it won't happen again. I feel
he will eventually invite me to some sport event or ask me to actually take
part in sports, but he has not done so yet in the last month. He mentioned that
we should go for a bicycle ride, I'm not sure yet if I will accept. He has two
nice sons, and perhaps his second wife has daughters, or I don't quite
understand who are all these people in the photos he showed me.
And now I feel terribly guilty that
I have been writing all day instead of working. Even though it is clear my boss
just gave me anything to do until he finishes what he is doing and can again
concentrate on our project. He said: take a few days to identify the main persons
we need to contact. Something for once that I actually could do in two hours!
So I guess the question would be, what I would be doing if I was not writing
right now, wondering how long the last hour and forty minutes would actually
seem to last, five hours more like it.
I would like to go and buy myself a
toasted egg sandwich, but she only sells them in the morning, and I'm not sure
why. This is ridiculous, what we eat for breakfast these days is so heavy and
diversified, especially in the
Merde, I have just sent another
e-mail again with a spelling mistake. I am so terrible at this now, I don't
read myself again and I used to depend on Word as my editor for the emails I
send. However at the moment I am a bit stuck, because I cannot use Word as my
editor, my version of Word is too old. I cannot either set the spelling check,
and hyperlinks just don't work.
So in essence this whole computer
is basically completely out of date and I can't even download anything because
I don't have administrator's privilege. As a consequence the whole thing is
bugged, because I have applications requesting updates, which will no longer
work unless I download these updates, and ultimately my computer is broken and
I am powerless to change anything since I am locked out of it.
It is like teasing me. Here is a
computer, but don't dream of using it, this is a privilege for the
administrator, whoever that is. I don't know who came up with this great idea
of creating user accounts and an administrator, but we should shoot the guy.
Thank you for locking us all out of our computers and render them completely
useless. At this rate, I might consider an Apple, as long as it is impossible
to lock us out!
You can tell this is the end of the
day, and that I am forcing myself to write just so the last 20 minutes might
pass faster. I'm so bored and tired, I need to get out of here. All my bosses
are still here, usually the director and the wife leave at 3 pm and my main
boss would still be here by the time I leave at 5 pm.
They must be struggling for real
with the marketing of that conference. I bet I could help them a lot, however
they are not asking for my help and my success rate recently has not been that
great, as he reminded me today in our meeting. So I guess I should let them
play with the database, and stand far from anything that they are doing. I
should soon enough start working like crazy again, you'll see.
Now that I have a bicycle, and that
I will be home almost instantly, perhaps I should stop at Taco Time or
McDonalds. Especially since I know I will get my check tomorrow and that I will
have access to the money instantly. Now I am not so poor, and I will be able to
use my pay check to pay for my apartment, instead of using my debit card from
In fact, being unable to reach Stephen
at lunch time is the reason why I will now deal with this cashier check for my
rent tomorrow instead of today. And I only realized later today that this was
great since I will receive my pay check tomorrow anyway and I would have had to
go to the bank a second time, and complicate my life to get the money via
My only mistake was to lose
patience over this impossibility to reach Stephen when it was supposed to be
like that. Where does this leave free will? God knows, and I don't care, time to
go home.
30 November 2005
Shut up! Don't be a wimp, you are
here now, for quite a while, just accept it and move on with your life
C'est étrange. It is strange what
happened yesterday after my meeting. I thought it was the end of it, my boss
told me what he had to say. He basically told me hang in there and I will find
you something to do, let's forget the past mistakes. And I kind of went through
a second honeymoon which lasted since yesterday and will probably finish today.
They paid me for the Thanksgiving
holiday, when I should not have for the first month, and now my boss smiles to
me again and she talked to me about paying her to get her car, some sort of
huge SUV Lincoln, that my ex-boyfriend in
And the woman in HR is nice again.
I can usually tell what the weather is by how her good morning sounds like. If
she smiles, then the bosses like me, and if she barely says hi, I know
something is wrong. And she has been dark lately, but since yesterday 3 pm, she
is nice again. So it is nice to be in their good grace again, even though I
have not done anything to deserve this.
It is more that perhaps they
realized yesterday that I was ready to go back to
I wonder now if requesting this
meeting was necessary or just a waste of time, and god knows the consequences
of frightening them like that. I think they thought I was so committed already
that their aggressive management style would work fine on me. I'm stuck here
after all from their point of view.
I think they suddenly realized that
I could leave and go back to
I am also a bit worried about
paying a certain amount of money every month just for a car, when I could spend
$2,000 right now for an old one and not have to worry about it except perhaps
getting it fixed once it breaks down, which will be soon I suppose. You get
what you pay for and I should have learnt my lesson with the bicycle, I should
have bought a new one. Well, my salesman here at work told me that at $80, I
could not go wrong. So perhaps it was worth it.
I kind of again feel uncomfortable
at work, I'm not sure why. This feeling that I don't have something clear to
do. Well, I should be identifying the right people to call, but I have trouble
doing that, it is difficult for me to start. I'm just afraid that suddenly
something will happen, I don't know. It is weird.
I hope I will get into gear and
forget to worry about everything. It would be nice for a change. It is all a
state of mind. And this morning when I cycled here, suddenly that question of
if I really wanted to live here came back to me, if it was a mistake and all,
and I told myself quite firmly: shut up, don't be a wimp, you are here now, for
quite a while, just accept it and move on with your life. And that second voice
at the back of my mind was so powerful, that I think I will listen to it right
now and get back to work.
I'm afraid that my ingenious plan
to hide what I am writing might not be adequate. I just re-opened the Excel sheet
and it opened right where I was writing, Column DZ, Row 503. Not only that, if
the Black guys knows about this, from the beginning, then I am definitely
giving away everything I am writing. And I have had very vague hints that it
may be so.
I am also worried that when I
delete certain files from my history, it might be going into the Recycle Bin. And
I don't have access to the Recycle Bin, so I cannot delete them for real.
However I'm sure the Administrator has access to that bin and can quickly see what
are these files that I am deleting, which are obviously the files I don't want
them to have access to. At the same time, it is possible that I am really
attracting attention to them by deleting them.
I am becoming obsessed with these
Big Brothers measures (I used to write in French in my files, and it was less
worrying), and I now really hate Microsoft for having made it so easy to spy on
us like that. I am going to do a huge research on the Internet, I want to know
everything there is to know about how employers can spy on their employees and
how I can go around it. So for now I will also hide the columns. He might not
think of that one and not realize that some columns have disappeared.
No matter how much you are trying
to plan your day, as soon as it depends on other people, it can all change. I
almost walked here this morning instead of taking my bicycle, thinking I would
be dropped home by one of my colleagues after seeing the preview film with
Jodie Foster tonight. She is sick, so now I'm not so sure if I want to go
alone. I was supposed to have lunch with the
He does not look affected by
anything, he looks all right and happy. And for once I would like it if he were
to tell me that everything is fine and that he loves it here. However he always
says that he is very busy and he has no time to do anything, and this is why he
has reported lunch many times already. So he must be under pressure, that he
does not even go to lunch. I look forward hearing his story, I wished I would
have heard it today, but I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow.
3 December 2005
I am in a free fall! God Bless
I woke up this Saturday morning,
and once again I acted like I did not know where I was. After a while, after
realizing where I was and what I had done by coming here to
Oh, and I don’t have an iron board,
but I have the iron. I bought everything in Sears because it was the closest
shop. I found everything, I bought the cheapest of all appliances, towels and
bed linen. I never realized that you could buy a coffee maker, an electric can
opener, utensils and dishes, all for 10 dollars each. I never thought I would
say this but, God bless
Everything I did not buy in Sears,
I bought from this lovely Indian couple living in the building next door. They
are going back to
Anyway, I bought most of the stuff
they themselves bought in Sears. Everyone at work told me that Sears was a big
no-no, to not buy anything there. My parents always shopped in Sears in the 70s
and 80s, everyone in
And if Sears is a big no-no, I
guess Woolworth cannot even reach the scale for being judged as a proper place
to shop. And if I had not gone to Sears, where else should have I gone?
Wal-Mart perhaps? Targets, which I have been told is an up-market Wal-Mart?
Well, I guess they will need to
open even more Targets and Wal-Marts in
The problem with Sears in
I called Stephen this morning, it
had been a few days since I spoke to him and I was starting to wonder if he
still existed or if the last ten years with him were just a figment of my
imagination. I found a nice picture of him of when we were in
He went on and on about what I
should do about buying a car and the questions I needed to ask. In the end I
know I won’t do any of this, and probably just get taken for a ride by the seller.
Anyway, he brought me back to reality, it is his way to make me forget to worry
about my problems, filling my head with unimportant comments about what I
should be doing.
Some days I wish I was a bit more
gay, I’m sure I would be clued up about what to do and where to buy. How are these
extremely gay people, who know everything, cope with switching countries? I
guess they link up with people of their kind and do a data transfer about all
this stuff I don’t know about and that by being gay I should have been born
with.
Not sure if extremely gay people
would have been able to plug two computers together, bought some cheap
speakers, and concoct a television with a DVD player on one portable computer,
while the other one is free to write on and get emails.
I’m sure most gay people would
never have bought towels for $2.38 each in Sears, and now I bitterly regret
having done so. They had something like 10 different sorts of white towels, all
identical, but with price tags ranging from $2 to $20 each. What’s the
difference I thought?
Well, my whole studio is full of
fluffy white thingies, and my clothes that were washed with them, and myself. Just
great! I guess this is how most gay people learn, through experience. Somehow I
feel they would have known better right from the start. Buy expensive things,
and you will never have to worry about fluff thingies.
So I better speak about my lunch
with the
He wrote some musical recently
which is produced somewhere, and it is now going unto a DVD. However it is not
connected with any big studio or distributor, and hence they will sell 20
copies at most. Maybe 40, if the three guys who wrote that stuff have a big
family able to afford a DVD. Maybe 20, family and friends usually don’t buy
your books or DVDs.
Still, I only had to speak about my
own projects, throw in NBC and PBS, and that was it, shallow people are so
predictable. He is some sort of an artificial person. He has a radio phonic
voice and speaks like a machine. I told him, he agreed. I feel the poor guy is
smiling at all time, but inside it is crumbling and shaking, and he just wants
to get out and scream!
I have a hard time describing him,
apart from the fact that I thought I was fat (when I’m not that bad really),
and three of me would fit in his clothes. He seems young, even though all his
hair is of a bright white. How old is he then? 40 something I would venture to
say. I could never kiss him, I would die first.
As a friend however, you could not
hope for better. I believe he will be my ally in this office, with the valley
girl, now that I had lunch with them and told them that I had a small problem
with the management. I’m on their side, and that is important.
However, he is so perfect at work,
like a robot, he loves the director. I’m glad someone enjoys that job, that
makes one. It is in a way reassuring to find out that it is possible to be
happy there. If one employee is fine, then perhaps two can be. And this is how
I felt this week.
I actually had an intelligent
conversation with my boss on Friday. We spoke like equals, passionately, about
the most boring subject you could ever find on this planet. Finance and
politics. For once, there was not even a hint that he was my boss. We looked
like two kids planning a new event, which could be very successful.
And then, oh surprise, the more we
research the subject, the more all my wild guesses got verified. It turns out
that I was right all along! So ten years in conferences has not scrambled my
brain. My report done instantly, was actually right! And that is what we are
going to do. God, give me the energy and motivation!
8 December 2005
Weird days in
Today was a weird day. My first
weird one since I’ve been in
I am no longer under my boss, I’m
back under the director. Now he has to get back to speed on everything I have
done so far to figure out what it is that I am doing. He hopes to do that
tonight. Good luck!
I have also learned that the
research period was over, we’re moving on with the event. I’m going to start
doing this thing, and I feel quite confident about it since I have never researched
an event that much in my life. I know more about the topic than I do about my
own life, that says it all.
But then I got home, I got drunk, I
dropped my beer on my new General Electric phone and now it is broken. I’ll
bring it back to Best Buy tomorrow or the next day, pretending I don’t know why
this phone does not work.
And then I dropped my beer and my
glass of water on my computers. Don’t ask me how I managed that, it was a weird
day. Almost destroyed both my computers in one night (destroyed one actually),
and both my phones. I hate it when it happens, it would not have been the first
time. I was so enraged, I almost destroyed everything there was in my studio.
Losing my phone prompted me to call
somewhere. But then, having a stupid T-Mobile phone, none of my cards from any
of the three countries they are from, could add stupid credits on it either
online or on the phone. So I went out, completely drunk, to try to buy credits
for that mobile phone.
My Seven Eleven was shut! At 9h43
pm! For god’s sake! Most Seven Eleven are now 24h! Not mine apparently, they
close before 11h pm. So I had to go two miles away, to another Seven Eleven.
Over there, an Indian guy. But this
one is not your average Indian guy, he’s from Hounslow in
So we talked, I asked him what he
was doing here, he appeared lost, so in the end I said: big mistake coming
here, wasn’t it? He said yes. Just what I needed to hear, on this weird day!
Thank god there was that Californian woman in the queue. She asked me how long
I had been here. I said one month, and still wondering if it was a mistake. And
she said:
Everyone else I meet who’s not from
here, truly wonder why they are here and regret coming here in the first place.
And that Indian guy, probably does not have any dream to succeed in
And then I thought, gosh, I wish I
was working in a Seven Eleven alone at night. Reminds me of my long days at
These days are over. Now I am
dealing with bureaucracy and social hierarchy. The psychology of it anyway. No
time to think about work, that’s for sure. Just the misery of having to answer
to bosses and justify myself at every single second of the day.
And I must be very drunk to talk
like this in my blog. But hey, are you reading blogs to get the truth or what?
Otherwise watch the news, it’s filled with all the lies you will ever need, to
feel comfy in your little home filled with stuff bought in Sears. Just don’t
admit to any of it. Especially the channel you watch the news from. In
I’m so drunk now! I’m sure it would
not sit well with the DMV of California. The whatever Motor Vehicle thingy. For
which I have to pass the test tomorrow, and I have not revised for the test. I
don’t care to fail again, a seventh time, over three countries, over a 20 year
period.
I have three driving licenses!
Which one do you need? Which insurance policy? Whatever else? I don’t care
anymore. I’m fed up with all this and your zero tolerance for just about
everything that is worth it in this miserable existence. Get a life! And leave
me alone!
Apparently the
I just finished my White Zinfadel
huge bottle of rosé wine from
What a shame it would be not to see
the sunshine the next day, since the South Californian sunshine is so nice,
even on a 8th of December. The thing is, you can only fully
appreciate it if you are a lost cause and don’t need to work for a living, for
whatever reason. It is not my case, so to hell the Californian sunshine! It
won’t help me with my conference which is not going anywhere anytime soon. Dear
me…
They’ve hired a real Management
Consultant at work this week, he starts next Monday. I guess this is a clear
message to me: I’m the fake one. I’m only a Management Consultant by title, by
law, for immigration purposes. Not a real one, silly me. How could have I
thought otherwise? Was it not evident from the start? I guess these things need
to be spelt out. Can’t believe I’m thinking about that now, that’s just too
much. I’m going to bed…
God I’m lost. Not only because I am
in a strange country, in a strange city… I’m just completely lost. What I am
doing here? Why I am still here on this planet? I wish I could end it all
tonight. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired…
10 December 2005
Nothing’s Impossible in
That song Nothing’s Impossible on
the new Depeche Mode album, it depresses me. As it used to do, their albums,
when I was 12. I only realized that when my valley girl at work said that her
parents were freaking out because she was listening to Depeche Mode, and that
was the kind of music they thought would make her commit suicide.
It is true that I have been very
much inspired in writing my best work listening to Depeche Mode and The Cure,
and now I understand that it is very depressing music. It is also very
addictive, it brings you somewhere else altogether, perhaps what drugs would do
to someone, however I don’t have much experience in that domain.
How could Martin Gore still be
depressed after all these millions and success, enough to write a song like
Nothing’s Impossible? Apparently he is in the middle of a divorce. His wife, as
it the oldest fashion of all times, is bringing him to the cleaners, and will
probably keep the money and the kids and everything. Worth making millions and
getting married, just to see it all crumble to dust when it is divorce time!
And that time always come.
At the beginning I listened to it
while walking to work, looking at the palm trees and big mountains in the
background, and it was breathtaking. I was listening to it with my own
interpretation, as I did most of my life in the case of Depeche Mode, since I
barely understood English all the early years I was listening to their albums.
And it was much better that way. It left everything to my imagination.
Some lines were applicable to me
being lost alone in
Just give me a reason, some kind of sign
I'll need a miracle to help me this time
I heard what you said, and I feel the same
I know in my heart that I'll have to change
That was so perfect. And this was
me and Stephen lost in
How did we get to be this far apart?
How did we get to be this far apart?
I want to be with you, something to share
I want to be near you, sometimes I care
And at some place he says “How did
we get to be so far gone”, and he repeats it twice, and the second time the
voice is like cavernous, as if he was about to lose consciousness. This really
gets to me.
I see the stars every night on my
balcony, and I’m trying to convince myself that Nothing’s impossible, that I
can go through this, that it may be my dreams coming reality though I cannot
see that right now:
Even the stars look brighter tonight
Nothing's impossible
How you can connect so much with a
song is a mystery. And as I said before, I wish I could achieve that in
literature. Seems impossible. But nothing’s impossible, Dave Gahan said it, and
he is well placed to know.
Dear me! Just read an interview
about the new album “Playing the Angel”, and Martin Gore states as a joke, that
the album was taking a direction like:
Anything that appealed to
dysfunctional people!
And that’s it, I’m just
dysfunctional and I have always been. Terrible thing to say. I’m a freak! As
long as I enjoy it, I don’t mind being dysfunctional. Better that than having a
normal life, no nervosa, no problems, and of course, no personality and nothing
to say. You might just enjoy not existing then. I feel the pain, “the pain that
I’m used to”.
I just had a flash, listening to
Nothing’s Impossible. The building where I work right now, the walk with the
mountains in the San Fernando Valley, the cleanliness of it all, my apartment,
the building, the car park of the shopping center, everything.
This is the kind of flash I get
years later, once I have left the place and listen to the music I was listening
to then. And it was a nice flash, great memories which will last me a lifetime.
I think I will get to like the place.
Which brings the question, you
know, what place will this book I am writing right now will have in all the
stuff I have written in my life? Because, you know, I have few of these books
already published and they were sort of popular. And since I’m not going to stop
writing any time soon, eventually they might get known in Québec and finally be
appreciated.
That’s the plan anyway. And a book
about the youngster arriving in
This could be my most important
book ever. The one I could be remember for if ever I get more known and break
that barrier and finally sell more copies. I had not thought about this up
until now. Even though, of course, it has always been at the back of my mind.
The only reason I’m here, is because of this book I’m writing now and perhaps
the fictional one I will write in parallel (and of course, the film scripts).
It just occurs to me now that it
was perhaps more than just moving into a new city, a new life, writing a couple
of books, and get out. It could be it, it could be the most important thing.
And I am babbling like crazy about the most stupid details and emotions I am
experiencing. Nothing grandiose, as grand as the new DepMod album.
But that’s it, this is what I’m
known for, this is what I do. It is the only content I can get in here. I even
made the decision earlier on, that this would be written for me, and not for
anyone else. Otherwise I would not speak of my emotions, my fears, how a wimp I
can be sometimes.
I would describe to you some sort
of paradise filled with actors and actresses and the whole
For my most important book, which
would be in any case, whatever the content or what I might say. Because what
sells, it is the concept, the marketing, the idea. Not the content or the
style. I know that now.
The young writer leaving everything
behind,
Am I making history here with these
few babblings without realizing it? Am I putting the last nail on my coffin as
a writer? Nothing after that will top this book? Another irony, is that it is
the first one I actually write in English. None of my fans so far appears to be
able to read English. So unless it is translated (and I won’t translate it, you
can be certain of that), this will be the one book they will never read, but
wish they could.
So I guess they will do like I did
for so many years listening to Depeche Mode, they will imagine for themselves
what it is that I’m talking about here. And it might be just as well. The
mystery will remain, and they will imagine something greater than what it is. A
boring blog from just another blogger in
And now, I certainly will go to bed
and forget I just said that. Tomorrow, one way or another, I’m buying a convertible
Mustang. It is not my style, it is not my personality, but I have to do it. I
have to get the ceiling down and go to
And if that does not do it, then I
might as well just pack my bags and go back to
13 December 2005
Driving in a convertible Mustang
under an
For the last two days I have been
in bed with the flu. Missed two days of work so far, not sure about tomorrow,
the day I’m supposed to pass my behind the wheel driving test since I passed my
written one on Friday with only one wrong answer. I don’t think I could do the
test, which means I don’t think I can go to work.
How is this going to sit with my
bosses? God knows. I’ve seen people in there dragging themselves to work even
when they were sick, one even puked on his desk and yet continued to work. It
would probably be the first time in their 19 years history that an employee is
sick three days in a row.
However, I have no energy, I just
fall in my bed and sleep all day. And at the moment they are doing asphalt
outside and they are making so much noise! And now I have started to cough. I
feel bad about all this and I’m sure there will be great consequences with my
boss, who could not even let me go to a driving test too far away if it meant two
more hours away from work.
I did not buy the Mustang, I went
to a retailer, the guy was not very nice, and the car appeared to be older than
what they stated. I was so disgusted by all this that I will not buy a Mustang
anymore. It is a Ford after all, it would probably cost me a fortune in
repairs. And this one sounded like it needed a lot of repairs, even with only
Stephen just called from
The cats in the background were
causing havoc, he was speaking very fast about unimportant things, and
suddenly, right after he finished speaking, it was time to finish the phone
call because he was afraid of the phone bill.
I wonder if he realizes that this
is building a canyon between us, that I cannot even find support and
reassurance talking with him. The ocean separating us is now both physical and
psychological. It does not make me feel like I miss him or
And I admit it could all be part of
the design, my destiny, to help me accept my life here. If everything back home
sounded like a brilliant Christmas celebration around a tree, I would feel bad
now for being here.
Neither of us knows yet if he will
come or if I will go back for Christmas. Christmas falling on a Saturday, none
of us has much holiday this year. He has a lot compared with me, but does not
have the money. I could buy his ticket, and this would be taken from the money
for the car… we’ll see.
14 December 2005
Wonderful Corporate
I feel guilty today for not going
to work again. I feel OK this morning, but I did the last two days just before
falling into a coma for the rest of the day. I just don’t know if today will be
different and if I will be able to survive the whole day without being sick
again, or if I will require another 24 hours sleep like in the last two days.
If I need more sleep, I would know I did not need to go to work and then I will
feel less guilty. If I don’t need sleep then I am fine and I should have gone
to work.
Tomorrow I have to go back, and it
will be very difficult indeed to face the people and my bosses. I hope they
will not think for one second that I was faking it. It did happen conveniently,
just when I was put back under the Director. Hopefully they will not draw any
conclusions.
I would love to go back home for
Christmas, but how can I now negotiate the extra days off I would need to do
so, after being sick for three days? Oh dear, I just read my contract sent to
me long ago. I have 7.5 days paid holidays the first year, and only three sick
days the first year. This must be the worst contract I have ever signed. Surely
this is illegal? Wonderful Corporate
I guess my pay check will be cut
this month, and I can forget going to
15 December 2005
Passing my third driving license
test in
I am at work right now. Strangely I
would have thought my Director would have had the time to read all about my
conference by now and would have thanked me to have given him the time to do so
by being sick for three days. He pretty much seems to have put everything on
hold and now I’m not sure what to do until he has the time to read it all.
I could continue to make phone
calls, but this is dangerous. I’m not sure how much more I would learn. Every
new person contradicts the last one, and it could take me three days and some overtime
at home to transcribe one hour conversation in a file. So I guess I will wait
and soon enough my Director will get back to me.
I understand why he did not feel
like reading anything. Both my boss and I dropped over five thousand sheets on
his desk and virtually told him: there, read all that in a day. So today I took
it all back under his advisement and came back with three small folders to
read, with the third one not being particularly important.
I suppose I could now write a new
report about this event and how I feel we should go about it, however I find
myself in the situation that I would rewrite the same report I did before,
which was qualified as completely off the mark. So I guess I will stand far
from writing reports from now on, you never know how it could turn out.
I just asked the whole office if
someone could come with me to do my behind the wheel driving test. Hopefully
one will say yes. Otherwise I am not certain what I will do. I will have to
rent a car and get my new writer friend to come with me. Unless I buy a car
this weekend, and then I would still need him to come since I am not
technically allowed to drive in
Who would have thought it was so
complicated to pass a driving test. Already that I was supposed to do it
yesterday in
Dear me, I just spoke with my boss
and she sorted me out. I will use her husband’s car for the test, she will
order Isabella to come with me, and I will be insured to pass the test tomorrow
in
And still part of my idea that from
now on everything will be great at work, I will work hard and projects will
move on. Of course, now I only need my Director to get back to me to let me
know when and where we start. He is about to leave for the day, so not sure
what I will do for the last hour and a half. Read probably about the topic of
my conference.
I have to call the daughter of my
boss tonight to ask her about what the test will be about. That’s nice. She
ordered me something though, she said I needed to pass the first time around.
And she added: so no pressure! Of course, this was as a joke, however I do
understand that it would be extremely inconvenient not to pass the first time.
I am being judged on so many
insignificant details, I could easily fail, even with my 18 years experience as
a driver and my already two confirmed driving licenses from two different
countries, where they don’t even drive on the same right of the road. So I have
to be careful here to pass, and I am not certain how I will manage that. Better
start thinking positive and convince myself that I will pass. I won’t get a
second chance.
What is also exciting, is that the
wall between our actual office and the one next door goes down this weekend. So
sometimes next week perhaps we will have a much larger office and we will no
longer be sitting over each other listening to each other phone calls.
And I will no longer hopefully be
right in front of my boss where he can at every single second see what it is
that I am doing. This is not nice to feel over watched like this, because I
can’t even turn around to check if he is in his office or not, he would see me.
So I have to assume he is always in there looking at me and my computer screen.
They have also hired a few more
people, and this is always good to shift the attention towards them instead of
me. Especially if they are not too competent, since suddenly they can see that
I am.
I remember my third job in
conferences, they really thought I was bad and they were overlooking everything
I did, until they suddenly had to hire four new producers without any
experience. Overnight I had them off my back forever. It was amazing.
I am at work right now, strangely I
would have thought my Director would have had the time to read all about my
conference by now and would have thanked me to have given him the time to do so
by being sick for three days. He pretty much seems to have put everything on
hold and now I’m not sure what to do until he has the time to read it all. I
could continue to make phone calls, but this is dangerous. I’m not sure how
much more I would learn, every new person contradicts the last one, and it
could take me three days and overtime at home to transcribe one hour
conversation in a file. So I guess I will wait and soon enough my Director will
get back to me. I understand why he did not feel like reading anything. Both my
boss and I dropped over five thousand sheets on his desk and virtually told
him: there, read all that in a day. So today I took it all back under his
advisement and came back with three small folders to read, with the third one
not being particularly important. I suppose I could now write a new report
about this event and how I feel we should go about it, however I find myself in
the situation that I would rewrite the same report I did before, which was
qualified as completely off the mark. So I guess I will stand far from reports
from now, you never know how it could turn out. I just asked the whole office
if someone could come with me to do my behind the wheel driving test. Hopefully
one will say yes. Otherwise I am not certain what I will do. I will have to
rent a car and get my new writer friend to come with me. Unless I buy a car
this weekend, and then I would still need him to come since I am not
technically allowed to drive in
Ici ici problem – repeat of the
same paragraph, see page 90
Dear me, I just spoke with my boss
and she sorted me out. I will use her husband’s car for the test, she will
order Isabella to come with me, and I will be insured to pass the test tomorrow
in
What is also exciting, is that the
wall between our actual office and the one next door goes down this weekend. So
sometimes next week perhaps we will have a much larger office and we will no
longer be sitting over each other listening to each other phone call. And I
will no longer hopefully be right in front of my boss where he can at every
single second see what it is that I am doing. This is not nice to feel over
watched like this, because I can’t even turn around to check if he is in his
office or not, he would see me. So I have to assume he is always in there
looking at me and my computer screen. They have also hired a few more people,
and this is always good to shift to attention towards them instead of me.
Especially if they are not too competent, since suddenly they can see that I
am.
I remember my third job in
conferences, they really thought I was bad and they were overlooking everything
I did, until they suddenly had to hire four new producers without any
experience. Overnight I had them off my back forever. It was wonderful.
16 December 2005
Pyramidal Schemes. God damned
I failed my behind the wheel
driving test. I did not fail it once, but at least 6 times, since I have made
that many mistakes. Well, two definitely that would have got me a total failure
as a result. And a few others which might have led to failure, if the two
serious ones did not put them in the shadow. I am now wondering if I will pass
it the second time around, since it seems so simple to make a mistake, when I would
have thought myself that I did none.
Then my boss offered me to go to a car
place this weekend with her to look at cars, since she needs to sell hers and I
don't want it. But then she changed her mine and said it would not be
convenient. Then she offered that I keep her husband's car this weekend, to
help me shop for cars. But then again, she kind of changed her mind, on the
spot.
Perhaps these helpful ideas are
coming to her too quickly and she realizes afterwards that maybe her husband
might not like the idea that much, because it is a bit inconvenient. All of this
has been a bit embarrassing today and on top of it, I failed that damn exam,
and I am a bit discouraged now about it all.
I finally just got the key for the
toilet (and also of the front door so I can come and work over the weekend,
like if I would!). It took me only a month and a half to get that famous key,
and I think it is more because they got tired of seeing me go to their office
and get the key. Also that all the new temps are males, and so probably want
the key the second I myself go to the toilet. As in these matters, luck is
always against you and we all need to go to the toilet at the same time.
That is a result, I now have full
access to the toilet, which is just astonishing. I don't need to advertise it
when I need a pee. And also, when I leave for lunch or go buy a sandwich, it
will be less obvious since I could be going to the toilet instead. At the
moment, they know I am not going to the toilet if I don't go and get the key
first.
The new guys who started are the
weirdest looking thing ever, and if I had to judge them on look alone, I would
never have hired them. So perhaps they have a brain after all, I'm just not
sure.
The first guy has many earrings, in
both ears and a few in the nose. He is very short and is the splitting image of
Jack Osbourne. Poor kid, I feel pity for him. He sits there without saying a
word, I almost wonder if he has any personality. He started two days ago or
something, so I can understand that he is in a frozen state and might like to
disappear in the floor.
It made me appreciate the other
people in the office who have a lot of personality and intelligence, and
perhaps even style. Though I’m not sure yet if I would venture that far as to
say so. They think they have style, I just need to compare with the rest of
The other new guy looks very weird,
almost like a fish. Well his mouth definitely is in the shape of a fish's
mouth. He is from
He has two jobs, another miserable
one. I think he washes dishes in a restaurant, well, he definitely also works
in a restaurant, on top of his 30 hours here. He says that when he is not here,
he is at the restaurant, and he did not mention sleeping at all.
Funny enough, you would have guessed,
he is an actor. Not even an aspiring actor, a real actor as he states. Even
though he only appeared in two commercials and he is a South Korean guy who
looks like a fish. Please someone tell me, how in hell is this guy ever going
to succeed at being an actor here in
And I bet you it will take him a
few years to let go of his dreams, perhaps he will never let go. It is very
sad. He decided also to turn writer. He worked as an accountant on a popular
show and wrote a part for himself for the show that he sent to the
producer/writer.
He keeps calling the guy but the
guy is not answering. I wonder why, and I wonder how many of those lunatics are
trying to contact him on a daily basis with their own writings and
uninteresting written parts.
Come on, who would want in his
popular series, a South Korean who had a prostitute for a mother who eventually
died, and now tries to find his father somewhere in the U.S.? Is that not
already the topic of a popular musical anyway?
And if you thought you had heard
everything, check that next one. My wonderful and nice colleague in Sales, who
sits next to me, the nice guy, frightened me today. He tried not to assault me
sexually, no, that I would have been able to deal with (I would have jumped in
his half opened shirt right there on the spot (yeah, I’m getting desperate!)). He
tried to recruit me in some sort of secret society or cult.
Well, that was what it sounded like
from the very first minute that he told me about his business venture on which
he has been working on for almost two years, and will eventually leave his job
to be working full time on it.
The way he presented this to me was
just too much. And paranoid as I am, I thought there was something beyond the
coincidence that was actually frightening. I will tell you all from the
beginning, since I have plenty of time to kill this afternoon, since my
director did not get back to me with anything to do and I am running out of
ideas about what I should be doing next…
Well, I am now writing this at 2h32
am. I did not have the chance to tell you that story at work. As if they were
reading what I was writing, almost instantly, my boss put me on a third
conference to research. Great, never mind, I much prefer to do many half jobs
on different topics than actually doing anything concrete.
So now I can tell you how sad my
colleague is, and brainwashed into some sort of pyramidal scheme which is
doomed to failure. And he knows it, he told me that there was a lot of negative
stuff on the net about what he was about to jump in. But he chooses to ignore
it, convinced somehow that he is making the right decision.
If you do a quick search on Google
under the name of the company “World Financial Group Scam”, you will completely
understand what he is getting into. Otherwise, just do a search on “Herbal
Life” without the word “scam”, and it will lead you to the same result. Scam,
no money in there for sure, how to mortgage your life instantly, make the
biggest mistake of your life, etc.
And I felt so powerless! He is such
a nice guy! Who struggled in court with his first wife who liquidated him as
most wives do (it is in their title, nature, etc.). And he has two wonderful
sons, and a new wife, and everything is fine, and he is about to destroy it all
again, to leave his paying job in conferences, for that scam thing which will
lead to disaster!
I understood right there that he
was beyond saving. He is just not intelligent enough, and he is already
completely brainwashed. It was like a religion to him. Simple minded folks,
beyond hope, beyond saving. While I was trying to convince him to not abandon
his family and sons for that scam, he was actually trying to sell me
insurances, and insisting upon it. It was beyond hope.
For a second there, I thought the
only way I could save him, was to help destroy that scam company which should
be judged illegal anyway. Where would I find the time? It is a destiny thing,
and my destiny is somewhat reserved for some higher purpose. Succeeding as a
scriptwriter in
Poor guy. There is nothing I can
do. He told me not to tell the bosses about his business venture. I asked him,
sincerely, why would he tell me then? I’m the new guy? How could he ever trust
me? Simple, the will to sell me insurance was stronger than the will to make
sure the bosses won’t learn about this. And he already told half the office
about it, hoping to sell them insurances the day he actually becomes allowed to
sell them, as he still needs to follow some courses and get a license or
something.
I told him, look, when you are gay,
you only need to tell one person in the office before all six floors of the
office and even the sub-offices all around town, know all about it the very
next day. It is not possible to keep a secret at work, even if you tell only
one person. As soon as you did that mistake, and I know it, everyone knows.
So the bosses know all about his
stupid scheme by now, and they also understand it will be the mistake of his
life. But can’t do anything about it since it would be admitting that they are
spying on us, which they do! Even this could not get into his brain. But who
cares at this point, he is too far gone.
The worrying thing was how this
whole thing was presented to me by him. It sorts of told me that these people
would actually use methods that go far beyond the call of duty to recruit new
people they thought would be great salesmen, as my colleague is, despite his
shortcomings.
He had a friend, he came home to do
a presentation, his wife was so impressed, she said: you need to get into this,
you need to become one of them! And then they forgot all about it. Until a 27
year old girl bought a house next door for 750,000 dollars. When he went to meet
her, he found out she was working for the World Financial Group, the same
company his friend had supposedly created with another guy.
Then there was a party at the
girl’s house. There, he met the partner of his friend, who conveniently arrived
in a black limousine. That partner immediately knew who my colleague was, and
affirmed that his friend was talking about him everywhere all the time (which
is so unlikely!).
And since then, my colleague has
been working for them for a year and a half without making a penny. He attends
these big meetings twice a week, recruiting new people for the bottom of the
pyramid, the ones actually doing selling, and now there are probably too many,
working for a company with a mortgaged name, as it is getting known now that it
is a scam.
I am amazed by all this, and
frightened by the extent of what they have done to get to him. And I completely
understand why he has been so charmed by all of this, I would have as well. And
not only that, he would be their best salesman, and probably would make them a
lot of money, and perhaps do some in the process. And we are not talking about
herbal life, these deals bring a lot of money in. No wonder he is blind, he
thinks he can make a lot of money.
In the end, it is a pyramidal
scheme, it is doomed to failure. The days of that company are numbered, not counting
that their reputation has already gone down the drain. Bad mistake, bad
judgment, unacceptable for a father of two sons who has already done so many
mistakes. You need security, stability, not more life mistakes!
It is now my mission to make him
understand that, to make sure he keeps his job where I work. Not sure how I
will do this. Perhaps it was the whole reason for me being in
I will save that poor guy who does
not have enough intelligence to see through the greed of others. And it will be
damn difficult, because in the process I will have to lose a friend, and will have
to suffer being sold insurance that I don’t need on a daily basis.
God damned
19 December 2005
Breakthrough with my Director! And
changing this world on a massive scale
I could not believe it! Twice today
I got compliments from my Director, and hopefully this will mark the end of his
non-respect towards me and my aptitudes.
Today he finally took the time to
read all the interviews I did on the phone in the past few weeks. And when we
discussed it, I said that some of them did not know what they were talking
about.
He was so impressed by that simple
sentence, he commended me for realizing so quickly that many of these people we
call know even less than us on the subjects we are trying to find answers
about. He mentioned that other researchers in the company before were misled in
believing everything they hear.
And then, less than an hour later,
he stopped to tell me that what I had done so far was excellent and that I was
very good with the interviews in order to find out the exact information we
needed.
In fact, though my bosses will
never admit to this, I believe they suddenly thought that I could be an asset
to this organization. This is probably why they have changed their perception
of me, are much nicer now and I got the car of my boss for almost a full week
to go around town and pass my driving license.
Hopefully I will have that damn
license tomorrow. I have to go for a second time for the behind the wheel test,
in
Other news, I won’t be going back
to
I feel I should, I asked Stephen
what he thought about this. It would be nice to see them even for five days, I
have not seen them in five years. So they don’t forget about me and that I am
no stranger to my new niece who is now two years old and already speaks! Usually
no one remembers anything before the age of three, so at this time it makes no
difference if I see her now or next year.
However it is my sister’s baby and
I remember that I felt bad a few years ago about my two new cousins not knowing
me very much. We have a small family on my mother’s side, it is important to
keep contact. And on my father’s side, the family is so large, that it does not
matter if I don’t see any of them for the rest of my lifetime.
I just spoke with my mom, and
because they are sending me 500 dollars that I should receive tomorrow, they
feel it would be criminal to come and see them over Christmas, since this money
is to help me set myself up in
Someone asked me if I talk as much
as I write. Yes I do. Though I have learned in time to speak less and listen
more. If I'm drunk, it would be advisable to stay away from me. I have a tendency
to say all that I think. I could be even more open and honest in this blog, I
have to say. But I'm afraid, here, this is all you will get.
I can at least tell you that
Stephen is in the process of getting a visa to come and live with me here in
I have been very much alone since I
have arrived in
Stephen does not offer me much at
the moment in terms of emotional support, unfortunately. He is also very good
at driving me crazy. He has a hard drug addiction, not counting that he is an
alcoholic, and sex has become a stranger in our relationship. Which is very
unfortunate. But I'm willing to continue this relationship at this time. We
have decided today to remain where we are this Christmas, to save money for
when, and if, he makes the big jump and joins me here in
He was here though, he arrived with
me almost two months ago and remained here for one week. At the end of that one
week, before I brought him to LAX airport, we had sex. He was so cute naked on
my bed with, and it was so nice to be in his arms one last time, I will cherish
this memory for quite a while.
I have not yet explored the gay
life in
I am back with my own thoughts.
Wondering where I am, where I am heading, what’s happening, etc. It is
Christmas in less than five days. I will be very much alone, and I actually
prefer that anyway. I’ll just drink myself to death and probably write an
interesting few pages for my blog. I will probably be depressed, as I always am
around Christmas every year. I might meet a friend, though somehow I think it
won’t materialize.
Sometimes it is nice to be alone,
like tonight. As someone said, I do juggle with a lot at the moment. No wonder
I wrote nearly 100 pages in the last two months, and from experience, this is
over 200 pages of a normal book once published.
And yet, nothing significant
happened. This is just the introduction. My God, this blog will have 1000 pages
by the end of my first ten months in L.A. Surely this means something? Or will
everything just calm down and routine will take over?
I have important meetings soon, if
they come true, and I might start to work in films in science-fiction, even if
at the beginning it will solely be as a science consultant or technical
adviser. Eventually my own film scripts and synopses could attract attention,
and they already did somehow. Nothing and everything could happen any day. To
make this whole pilgrim to
I’m sure that from the point of
view of my destiny, something huge must happen soon. No such amount of energy
should or could have been spent otherwise. Everything has a meaning, or in
other words, it is not possible to accomplish such a radical change in one’s
life without experiencing a string of consequences that eventually will make it
all worthwhile.
I am saying this from experience.
It may not look like it, from reading this blog, and poor souls or lucky souls
reading this right now, have no idea of everything else I have written in my
life, of all my different moves in the last 15 years in five different
countries.
It is not the first time I listen
to the cry of adventure, and decides to leave everything behind. It is not even
the first time that I abandon my boyfriend of many years to change country to
pursue my dreams.
I left my first boyfriend to go and
study in
I have gone through so much in my
life, that I can assure you that the eight or nine autobiographical books I
have written so far, and they are big bricks I can tell you, are quite filled
with all of this that I have experienced and all that happened to me in the
last 12 years.
It is perhaps a shame to have
written so much about my own little person, when I could have been spending my
time writing fiction instead, or even better, about how to change this world
for the better.
I understand now that it is perhaps
more important from the point of view of a credible author, or from the point
of view of contribution to the literary world. I can’t really complain though,
my last two published books were autobiographical and have been a good success
in the French speaking countries, relatively speaking of course, for what an
average book could expect to sell, from an author who is not writing
bestsellers.
Maybe all this will change soon.
Maybe I will be writing fictional bestsellers soon. If my film scripts don’t go
anywhere, I will turn them into short stories. And I have spent so much time
imagining the perfect stories, that this book of short stories could be
impressive indeed. From a point of view of the paranormal, that is. So this is
untouched ground really, not much is about the paranormal world these days.
Love and infidelity is what they bang us on the head with. And half funny
comedies which almost become dramas, since they are so boring and insignificant.
I might never get the chance to
write full time, I might never finally break that barrier of having serious
journalists speaking about my work. I am just invisible to them, despite all
there is to say about my career and my books so far.
Stupid, I got more publicity out of
the bombings in
The French-Canadian author living
in London, avoiding the bombs on his way to work to Parliament Square in
Westminster, and who saw the blood and the human being pieces being blown out everywhere
on the street of Russell Square.
This is how it was presented to the
people, and my mom crying over me for all
This is the wonderful world of
journalism, they lie through their teeth, to make it look much worse then it
is. And they serve the purpose of terrorism very well, my own interviews
certainly frightened me out of my wits. Until I stopped to think and remembered
what it is that I actually stated on there.
And yet, after all that, I’m sure
there was no surge of visitors on my websites. And yet, I have more than one
million of them visiting my pages every year. And yet, I am still nowhere.
It is because I am ambitious, I am
pretentious, it is one billion people I want to reach every year. I need to
change this world on a massive scale. I had about five Indians from India
contacting me in the last two weeks, about my theories of the universe and
relativity, a link to my website must have appeared somewhere on the Net. It is
millions of Indians that I need to reach, and
Reading this blog, you might wonder
what it is that I could actually say to change this world on a massive scale.
It does not look like I could, and I agree, nothing of what you have read so
far could convince you that I am worth it. But I feel I am somehow, and you
could agree with me if you were to read some of my French non-autobiographical
books.
And if everything goes according to
plans, you will read them one day in your own language. And the world will be a
better place, or perhaps a worst one, since you might also understand from my
books that this is an ugly world.
It could make you feel better
though, to understand that you are not alone thinking about all that. Unless of
course you are living the perfect love affair, and don’t see anything wrong
with this world. As most people do anyway.
This world is not going anywhere
anytime soon. I talk a lot about my own destiny, what about the destiny of this
world? Does it not have a great destiny? Radical changes in sight? Some
revolutions coming, in just about every single domain of society?
Is it not the time for a full
revolution of how we think and manage this world? Is it not time for a great
revolution in Physics which would irremediably change all our technology and
greatness?
Is it not time to change our whole
political system worldwide and especially legal system to the point of
non-recognition? Is there not something better than socialism or capitalism
that we have not yet explored?
Is it not time for the paranormal
to make a comeback with some proofs from science to make it accessible to
everyone? Is it not time to understand this afterlife phenomenon, get some real
answers, and change our way to picture this universe? Is it not time to take
this U.F.O. and alien phenomenon a bit more seriously and understand the
consequences of it?
Is there not a way in this world to
actually find happiness instead of this misery of the terrible corporate world?
What are the problems, what are the solutions, and can we apply them globally
and change this world forever?
Is it too much to ask to desire
happiness? Is this an impossibility on this world? Are we incapable to make
this place livable? Are we only capable of destruction and annihilation of the
human race? Is this where we are leading humanity?
I think that if I believe that I
have a great destiny, the world must have one too. We will overcome all these
questions, all these problems, and radical changes will be required around
here.
And I will work very hard to make
it all happen, to be an element of this global change. And I won’t tell you to
recycle, I haven’t since I have arrived in
The changes I am talking about are
on a much larger scale. And my God, we are ready for that radical change, and we
are seriously overdue!
21 December 2005
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Work, Christmas and Car
I feel weird today, but what is
new. It could be Christmas, the fact that I am not going back to
I can sort my car at lunch time,
then that settles it, I can't go since I won't have the money. I'm trying to
buy a silver Mustang convertible for $12,000. I had to get back to the idea of
a Mustang since they are the cheapest convertibles you can buy in
Of course, I have spotted the car I
would like, the new Nissan 350Z Roadster convertible, only because they look
like the Smart Cars Roadsters that Mercedes sell only in
I can't believe I am talking so
much about cars, I have zero interest in these machines. It took me 28 years to
have my first car despite my three driving licenses.
I first had the oldest car on the
road, a Volvo, then a Renault 5, and now it could be a Mustang. If I can't get
the finance, since I have no credit history here, then I'll have either an old
banger in the New Year once I get paid, or I might just accept this offer of
the Lincoln of my boss.
It is a SUV, the car everyone is
disgusted about, and this SUV is probably the largest one of all. It is also a
Ford. I dare not imagine how much it would cost to fix it once it breaks down.
Like my friend's Dodge, probably $9,000.
However it is kind of luxurious, it
is not very old, it works fine even if finding a parking space large enough for
it is kind of difficult, and no need for credit history. I could also have it
instantly, almost. Not sure if I would only get it in the New Year.
You know, when life throws at you
something like a car, and it looks too easy, and you wonder why you should take
it, if it is still $20,000 and you never really wanted a huge Ford SUV, still,
you should take it. It is obvious that this is all that destiny was able to
throw in your way, as it was before with my Renault 5. I practically inherited it
as a result of a trade-in where Stephen works.
And I fought it, and I wasted many
months without a car, and in the end, since I won't be able to get credit and
that I don't want to end up with a very old banger which will need repair
almost instantly, I will just take the offer. I should have seen before-hand
that I would eventually own a
I had a chance yesterday to speak
for the first time to the real Management Consultant. The poor guy might have a
lot of experience doing what he does, and he might have worked as he said for
the three biggest companies around, doing what he intends to do here, but he
has no clue about the conference world, which I am sure has nothing to do with
any kind of company he laid his teeth into. So in the end I am not certain how
he will be able to have such an input into making things better here, and
prepare us for the big expansion that we were told would happen soon.
However I am sure that somehow he
has learned a way to just gobble everything everyone has to say and propose
solutions which I'm sure will make sense. Somehow he will succeed in presenting
something, anything, and as a result, things might change. He must know what he
is doing, I'm sure he costs a lot of money to the company.
The thing is, he is a very nice old
man and he is obviously highly interested in everything I have to say, because
I'm pretty sure he has no clue about how the main conference companies have
evolved in time.
I told him I wrote many reports, of
course he was highly interested. I told him he would need to ask my boss before
I can give them to him, since perhaps they wanted a totally independent
analysis from him, and see what he would come up with on his own.
So finally yesterday we sent him
all my reports, and this is when I discovered that my main report about their
main competitor, never reached the inbox of my boss. And the other main report
I wrote which is about their second biggest competitor, she had received it but
never opened it.
They were not joking when they said
they never had the time to go over them, and no wonder I never got any
feedback. And no wonder the Director freaked out completely, since the first
two days that I was supposed to work with him, from his perspective, I was
writing reports which never reached my bosses.
So of course they never said to him
to bear with me, since in my eyes I was working on something quite important,
but they did not know about it. Important enough anyway that they are willing
to hire an expensive professional to look into this.
I hope for the Management
Consultant that he does not intend to do like me, write reports and send them
to my bosses. Because then, he might never get any feedback, they might never
read them, and the whole thing would have been expensive indeed.
So now I understand why my reports
never had any impact. And I was so proud of myself for having written so much
and to have been able to actually do it. And all I succeeded in doing at that
time was to alienate them all.
Now I actually have the perfect
person to be highly interested in all my reports, the real Management
Consultant. Who must have been reading all this since yesterday, and hopefully
realizes now, how much easier all of this will make his job.
With a bit of luck, he'll tell my
bosses what an amazing amount of work that was, and how helpful it was to him.
In the final analysis, whether someone tells your boss that you are worth
something, or whether he or she finds out on his or her own, makes no
difference. So all this work might finally pay off in the end, in the New Year.
If somehow I have a car at
Christmas or the New Year, and that I am about to pass it alone for my three
days off on each occasion, I will definitely just go and explore
Maybe it is time I went to visit
that
This morning I woke up and I
thought, another one of these days. Sounded very much like, for the first time,
I felt this whole thing was becoming routine. You know, when you reach a point
when every day is so much the same that you cannot remember if something
happened that Monday, Wednesday or last week. All those days look the same
anyway and you are stuck in a time loop, repeating it over and over again.
However this is crazy that I could
feel this is routine, so many things everyday are happening, I got my boss'
car, yesterday I got my driving license, today I might buy a car, I never work
on the same conference each week, and now the Management Consultant has brought
a new dimension to all my work.
So I think that, what I really
meant to say this morning when I woke up, was, oh no, not another one of these
days from hell where I will be rushing around to accomplish huge tasks about setting
myself up in L.A. Like buying a car, or finally buying a TV and DVD Recorder,
etc. These things take time, require a lot of energy, and I am running out of
steam.
I am pretty sure now that the Black
guy is reading this. I am not certain how he can figure out all my tricks about
hiding this from him, or if he can just see the files that I delete or save at
odd places, or if he only knows that I am writing but does not know what.
He asked me how I felt today, and
you don't normally ask that kind of question unless you think something might
be going wrong. And as far as he can tell, there is nothing that could be going
wrong with me.
I'm not worried with the new
Management Consultant, I look forward working with him and together perhaps we
will get somewhere. He could have thought this could have affected me, however
I don't think so. I had heated discussions with the Director this week, but
only a sort of passion about work, getting somewhere with this event, we did
not have any problem.
Remains only that he might have saw
that I was writing (he certainly does watch over us), or does he knows for
certain and reads this? Difficult to know.
If he reads what I am writing, I might
as well, just in case, let him know something that obviously he could not know
about all this. There is nothing to worry about me writing my thoughts down
here.
People think all the time and I
guess it is unfortunate for bosses to be unable yet to spy on our thoughts.
What I think at the moment I write it, and I usually forget all about it five
minutes later, and may even think something different not long after.
And despite everything I wrote that
could be considered like complaints or worries about this new job, I have to
say that what I have written in the past about my other jobs was much darker,
and then I was not very nice in my description of who they were and what they
were doing.
So at the moment everything here is
pretty positive, I know so, compared with my previous jobs. And so, there is no
need to worry about my babblings.
22 December 2005
Christmas? What Christmas? I’ll be
working!
Of course, my successful track
record at work could not last very long. I was called in the office after my
lunch break, and my boss really went into it. I had to go to the toilets
afterwards, and there and then I was convinced that coming to
This obsession of people to want
commitments on apartments, cars, jobs, etc., is the only reason I cannot go
back to
I was at work all week, I did work
on the other project I was assigned to, and as I understood it, the new one was
only until the director had finished reading my stuff and so we could continue
on that first project. Wrong! I was supposed to work overtime every night of
the week, to make sure that both projects went somewhere.
And of course, my director backstabbed
me again, saying that I had not spent that much time on our project, and I
should have had the chance to get the other one somewhere.
So the conversation was quite
horrid, in which my boss said that I had already been sick three days the
previous week, and this week it had been four days and I still had nothing to
show about that damn conference. And that was another $1000 for him down the
drain. I now understand that he appears to be counting how much it costs him by
the day, if not the hour.
I had to point out that my three
sick days at the very least did not cost him anything since I was not going to
be paid, as I was told by the woman in HR. He was under the impression that it
was another $1000 he lost on me. He did not like to be reminded.
So I proposed to work on that huge
research of his, which will take me forever, all over the Christmas holiday.
And he said yes, that I had to, as it was not acceptable for him to lose $1000
like that. So now, not only I will be spending Christmas alone, I will also be
working like crazy. And that is just the thing that makes it all not
worthwhile.
This is the decisive argument that
convinced me that this job is not for me, that I needed a way out as quickly as
possible. I am not going to mortgage my life for any company or for anyone.
If he asks me to work over
Christmas, then that’s it, it’s over. Simple. And I won’t regret letting them
down eventually when I will announce to them that I am leaving, despite all
that they supposedly did for me.
There are mind games, management
tricks, and there is crossing the line. He came back from wherever he was for
the last few days, and he called everyone in his office one by one to destroy
them psychologically one day before Christmas.
Everyone was in hyper drive today,
everyone was freaked out. My valley girl did not go to lunch, and she spent at
least 30 minutes with the Chinese girl in the kitchen repeating how unfair the
boss was. She spent the day calling over 100 companies and sending them e-mails
to boost them to act. And she was not happy about it.
This morning it was the sales guy,
he too got a bollocking by the boss and came out quite shaken, and also had to
speak with the valley girl to calm down. And there is the environmentalist guy,
who spent his day calling people, when I am pretty certain that, one day before
his holiday started, was the last thing he wanted to do. Even his comments over
the phone were telling that he called these people very reluctantly.
I could not tell anyone about my
nightmare, but they could tell by my sudden seriousness. I was not speaking
anymore, I left exactly at 5 pm on the dot, I did not say goodbye.
The cool Spanish guy tried to get
something out of me, he even wanted me to write it in French since he can
understand that language. I could not tell him anything, my boss is watching me
every second of the day, he can see me all the time. Speaking with colleagues
is just not allowed, or would be too obvious.
I’m afraid to admit, despite all
the jobs from hell that I ever had, these kinds of meetings are so difficult to
bear, and it throws you into such a state afterwards...
And though the direct consequence
is that I will be working the whole holiday, to be honest, the direct
consequence in my mind is that I’ll find my way out. It could have been instant
without that stupid rent I have to pay until March. And it destroys something
valuable in the mind of the employees, loyalty.
I cannot be loyal to someone who
holds a meeting to tell me that kind of thing. Because for me it is like
turning on a switch in my brain and it reaches a point of no return. It is
telling me basically that it was a mistake to hire me, and if this is so, let’s
just go our own ways. I don’t need that crap, I don’t need that job, I don’t
need you. If you don’t need me, then I won’t stay, why should I?
Of course for him it is just a
trick, or is it? When I said that he crossed the magic line, it means in my
mind that perhaps in my case it was going beyond the mind games. It was clearly
telling me that he was just paying me too much for what I was capable of doing
during normal office hours. He is result driven, yes, but results take time,
especially when you are juggling with three different projects at once.
This said, yes, I have wasted my
time this week. Not a lot, but a bit. I admit that. I was not motivated by the
sheer size of that research I need to do, which will require on my part
something like a full week of work, including overtime. I also cannot find any
information, I can only find bits and pieces here and there, and that is why
the size of the research has no boundary, it is infinite.
So I did deviate from my hard work,
I thought working on the previous project would save me. There is no such thing
as an excuse. I was caught, I was reprimanded quite harshly, now I need to work
over Christmas and I better bring him results soon.
The only results I could bring him now,
is by calling the industry, which means days of transcribing all that from
tapes to files. And of course, everyone else is on holiday, I cannot reach anyone
now, or even next week (I will be working four days between Christmas and the
New Year).
So I am already destined to fail, I
will not bring him any result before the New Year. I might as well give up,
since obviously this will not be a good excuse, since there is no valid excuse
for anything in that job.
I’d rather be dead than continue in
that job full time with overtime. I’d rather go back to
Though I have to say, at the end of
the meeting, he said something positive. He admitted, and something tells me that
it was difficult for him to do so, that the director had also admitted that he
was impressed with my work on the other project. Must have been difficult for the
director to tell my boss such a thing. But he did, and so there is hope for
him, he is not completely out to get me.
So there could be better days on
the horizon, days where I will not be called in the office for a bollocking.
However these better days can only last for as long as I work 80 hours a week.
This is something I am not prepared
to do, unless it was for something that I actually enjoy doing, like writing
film scripts. So we will have to part company very soon. And I will now
actively look for my way out. Obviously it means going back to
I just need the time to meet some
people here. Make some contact, people I can work with in films. I have not
done anything so far to meet anyone. This has to change. I need to work all the
holiday in trying to meet them. But how could I, now that I will have to work
on that massive research? I can’t!
I’m desperate, and this means that
I’m ready for desperate measures. Somehow I need to make this work. Somehow I
need to make this whole thing worthwhile. I cannot go back to
And if all I have to show at the
end of this, is that stupid blog, then it is not enough. It will be classified
as my worst failure ever, my missed opportunity of a lifetime. I could not live
with that.
Something has got to happen, and
somehow I need to be the instigator of these events. I can no longer wait until
it falls from the sky, there is a sense of urgency. I will have to take risks,
I will have to act, I will have to do something, anything, to make things
happen.
Which means, I’m afraid to say,
that we are the ones who make the life we have. There is no destiny all planned
out that we are following. We build our own destiny. And I sure will build mine.
That research of is will be on the
back burner over the Christmas holiday. I have some more pressing duties
awaiting me. And it starts tonight. And I don’t care what time I’ll go to bed,
I won’t sleep if necessary. Just like in the old days.
Maybe I became too comfortable as I
grew older in these jobs that I am not destined to do. It is easy to forget
that we have dreams to pursue and to actually spend the time pursuing them. Let
it be a lesson to me, I have been reminded that everyday counts, that every
hour of work is important and could lead somewhere.
There is no rest for the driven
people, sleeping or watching TV is just no acceptable, they have to work all
the possible hours of the day in trying to reach their goals. And I will reach
my goals, I have not gone that far to get comfy in a stupid conference job. I’m
so close to it all, it is now up to me to get somewhere real fast.
I still don’t have a car, I can’t
get the loan I have learned today. I still don’t have a TV and DVD recorder.
Who cares? I don’t need these things, those ties to this job I don’t want.
I’m finished spending my money or
committing myself to spending even more every month. I have goals, and I need
to reach them by any means at my disposal. I have been reminded, there is no
going back.
24 December 2005
Being depressed on Christmas day…
I feel great today! I just opened a
beer, I just finished watching (again) the story of that 33 year old spinster
(like me) called Bridget Jones (The Edge of Reason). And now I somehow feel
electrified.
I feel like one of those nights
when I would drink myself to death and write all night long. And often, writing
the best things I ever did. I’m not in the mood today to write, except this
blog, however…
Actually, the buzz of that film is
now over, and my second beer seems to be killing me instead.
Oh God I’m depressed… I need a lot
of Sherlock Holmes now with Jeremy Brett to get back to some sort of normality.
For one full minute there I thought
I would actually be happy on Christmas day, well Christmas Eve anyway. I am
alone today, so far, by choice. A friend wanted to see me, I don’t think so. I
don’t feel like it.
And my baby in
My baby is a hard worker, and every
one of his bosses in time learned to appreciate it. However there is a big turn
over of staff where he works and he never has the same boss for more than six
months. And every time he has to start all over again. They hate him at the
beginning and then he has to gain their trust by working hard.
This time he has a new Manager and
he just won’t see it. He is trying very hard to get my baby fired or to leave,
and unfortunately for him, upper management said no, that Stephen was the best
employee they ever had. The Manager is not happy about this and now he makes
the life of my baby a misery.
So I guess it is universal,
Corporate
I told Stephen of my episode at
work this week, and how, if I could have, I would have been back in
By then, if nothing happened on the
writing side, if I am still not working in films or at least met interesting
people, then I’m leaving. I also told him that the idea of him coming here to
work for that company, and his visa they are trying to get him, might be
something we should forget about.
I would not want both of us working
for a bastard. We are still going through getting the visa, it will take time,
but let’s say that now we are observing the events and we have made no
decision. So either he comes over here eventually or I’m going back. Three
months is the limit for us to be reunited.
All this cheered him up. He was
complaining that he was alone for Christmas, like me, and that many people
invited him over, but that he had lost the will to live and could not do
anything. So he is simply depressed while everything crumbles around him. I
almost cried, again.
I was reading today some stuff I
wrote while in my last job, how I was unhappy there and how I wrote reports
that were completely wrong, how I wanted a way out and that anything would have
done the trick. And then I realized that this blog is almost identical to the
book I wrote about it in French last year.
Do you want more proof that I am
stuck in a time loop and that I just cannot get out of it? Whether it is in
All I got out of this are a few
books that are just the most depressing things ever, and as a consequence
probably will never be published. So I’ve got nothing out of these nightmares.
Maybe there is just no meaning to all of this. I am starting to believe that I
do not have any destiny at all and there is no destination that I am trying to
reach at the end of the road.
I’m like on a small boat in the
middle of the ocean with rows, fighting to get somewhere when I should have
realized a long time ago that even with rows, I could never reach the shore. So
I am going over these huge waves for nothing, because in the end I will most
certainly die and all my efforts simply could never have helped me escape this
fate.
27 December 2005
A sign of genius lurking ahead…
I was not expecting both my bosses to
be at work today. I would have thought, after such a fright, that it was to
make sure we would work while they were not there between Christmas and the New
Year. They are dedicated, I’ll give them that.
I had a miserable Christmas because
of our conversation just before Christmas. When I walked out of the apartment,
finally, to see if I could buy a TV and a DVD recorder on Boxing Day, I could
barely breath because of the stress. I was worried because I still had not done
any research by then.
I bought a TV and a DVD Recorder
with a hard drive, and I felt so guilty for spending $500, I almost brought
them back to
Unfortunately, the damn machine,
which states that it can play every sort of DVD, cannot play any of the
thousand I brought with me from the
At the moment I can still watch
them on my computers, so it is not so bad. I did not think though that I would
still be watching my computer instead of the TV and DVD after spending so much
money… not sure when I will get around to using them, since I have no time to
myself.
So, last night at 9 pm I finally
decided to get on with the research for my conference. I worked 4 hours on it. And
I thought, dear me, my boss will again bite my head off. However he waited
until 5 pm today, the time I was supposed to leave, to ask me what was
happening with my research. Typical, so I left 30 minutes later than I was
supposed to, and I certainly would have left on time, as I can’t stand the
office at the moment.
When he asked me a feedback, I said
quite rudely: give me a minute. I regret now, but it had the advantage to set
the tone of the meeting. He was nice, I think he gathered that I was about to
explode at anything he might have said. Because I sincerely think he
exaggerated. And the first thing I told him was that I worked all over the
Christmas period. And sure enough, in my day of work and 4 hours yesterday, I
was able to bring him something quite tangible.
He is convinced I worked hard all
weekend. Thank god! I have been lucky, I tell you. It is almost a miracle. The
thing is, he never actually saw everything I had already done, he just assumed
I had not done anything. So it looked quite impressive today, when I gave him
my usual pile of sheets, 1000 at least.
And now he tells me we will not be
doing this conference. Someone told him that it would be a flop. Great! I can
stop doing that damn research. And get back to the previous project, or the one
before, or the new one he already told me everything about today in his office.
Something about semi-conductors,
and billions of dollars of investment needed from capital investors, and
private equity. He still explains all that bollocks to me as if I did not
understand anything. I did my research, I know a lot about it now, I understand
what he is talking about. Gosh, I even know what Shale Gas is, I learned that
today, so I would not look like a fool ever again before him.
So there is hope for me. With a
minimum of effort, I managed to convince him that I worked hard, and he thanked
me for it. So now he thinks he did not waste a thousand dollars on me last
week.
But I am train wrecked now, and I
feel very bad. A truck passed on the street, the whole building was shaking,
and that was it, I was frozen on my seat, completely freaked out. I don’t know
exactly what it is that I was expecting, something terrible I supposed. And
that would have been nice at any rate.
And my valley girl, lucky her, got
a temp today who was supposed to come back the next two days, but she assessed
that he did not know Excel and was not very good, so she called the agency and
told them to send another one tomorrow.
When she told him at the end of the
day, he was so gutted, he exploded in the office, unfortunately in front of my
boss’ wife. He said he knew Excel and that he was not happy. I was again frozen
on my seat, panicked at any sort of crisis going on around me. God, they turned
me into such a wimp.
If that had happened to me, if I
had freaked out a temp like she did, tonight I would be drinking beers to
forget all about it, because it would have shaken me a lot. For her, as she
stated many times afterwards, it was just another day in the office.
I know tonight she will be freaking
out about it, I know her, she’s like me. She just hides it very well. Something
I haven’t learnt to do just yet, and not sure if I will ever learn.
Oh well, just another day in the
office, I guess.
I’m very pleased with my cheap TV,
a Polaroid actually. I did not even know Polaroid decided to make TVs at some
point. The image is certainly terrible, TVs here have twice less pixels than in
They have just discovered HDTV,
supposed to finally correct that. The only problem is that the high definition
TV must cost a fortune, and only a few channels are HDTV, which I think I don’t
get here.
Whatever. Morrissey still looks
good on my Polaroid bad definition TV, go figure, that DVD works on my DVD
recorder. The first one in 10 that I have tried. Perhaps because originally
that DVD was an import from the
I feel guilty again, I should be
working on my conference. I am already too drunk, and I don’t care anymore. I
feel like writing. But of course, I feel like writing something inspired, not
that blog.
However I would have needed to
start a new book in order to write something inspired tonight. Perhaps I should
start writing a new fictional book tonight.
Oh dear, now the big questions.
What book? Which style? What about? In French or in English? That is not a bad
idea, perhaps I should start writing a new book tonight. You know, this is how
it always starts. One night you are inspired, and that’s it, you write a few
pages, and you continue day after day. I really should. What about then? What
style? Which language? Can I answer these questions and start it?
It would have to be completely
wild. Out of this world. Something new that has never been done before. And I
am very good at doing just that, and all those books are not the ones published
right now. But who cares?
I should only write for myself,
especially from now on. Inspired literature cannot be ordered, it does not work
like that. It comes from the heart, from deep down, on a subconscious level. And
listening to The Smiths tonight certainly helps a great deal. I might just
start a new book tonight.
If my life was empty, and if I was still
living in
I will have to think something much
better, much higher. Esoteric then, mystic. Out of this world. Cos there’s
nothing real or worth it outside of
I just opened my seventh beer, I’m
ready to listen to Duran Duran now, The Chauffeur. I better start writing
before I lose all inspiration and fall asleep.
Not another one of those
complicated books that no one understands? I hear my fans say. True, none of my
fans appear to have appreciated my most obscure books. I guess I never met the
right fans. The right ones would probably never contact me in the first place,
I guess. They just get inspired and create on their own, in their corner.
And I know I have inspired great
people, the greatest in the French world, both in literature and films. I have
all the proof I need and I can prove it. They don’t hide their inspiration very
well. Perhaps they never intended to. They ignore my messages all the same,
probably from fears of being sued, stupid of them… I feel so honored, I would
never sue in a million years.
It’s not that I feel like being
pretentious tonight, not here, not now. Here I am honest with myself. I did
inspire great people, and it makes me feel good inside, you know. That I could
have reached out so much, even underground, on an individual basis.
It is one good thing, for having
sacrificed everything for my literature, that everyone around me thought was
the biggest waste of time ever. I even agree with them, I just could not help
it. I have to write, not for a living, but to survive. To also understand
myself, but mostly to survive.
It is my most basic need, to write.
I can go without eating or drinking for days, as long as I can write. I can be
in prison and suffer the worst fate, as long as I can write, I will be all
right.
And this statement alone, does not
make any sense, I know. And perhaps alcohol and cigarettes would be a plus, and
music, in my venture. But I can do without.
If I was given carte blanche to do
my own indie films, my god, it would be weird. It would be incomprehensible.
But I think it would be art. And we all know that art can only exist as long as
it is independent. And that’s ok, I’ll be independent soon enough, as soon as I
succeed in the mainstream. If ever I succeed in the mainstream, that’s the problem.
I am already very much underground,
I’m afraid to say, to admit. I’m like The Smiths and Depeche Mode, and yet,
they do reach out and have the most loyal fans ever, who makes it all worthwhile.
I may have reached that point myself, with my pseudo-fans. I’m just not sure.
And I just don’t care to be honest.
Fans are not on my mind when I
write. How quickly we forget that they do exist and have needs and demands. I’m
ignoring them completely. Otherwise, I could not do anything, or I would write
something completely against my nature.
You are supposed to write what you
can, what you are supposed to write. You cannot let yourself being dictated by
a fan, a publisher or a producer. You do what you feel is right, and that’s it.
Never mind if it means the end of your career or those relationships.
That is how I can only see my art.
And I tell you, I never referred to it as art until tonight. I see it more as
my own existential crisis, my answer to life and this universe we cannot
understand. Philosophy perhaps, something beyond all that crap, anyway.
I don’t mind sacrificing
everything, even my existence. That is what I have been good at, all my life.
Sacrificing everything for a land which appeared greener. And never mind that
no land has ever been greener, I still got all my inspiration from it.
I am still writing, I am still
producing something, creating. That is a result. I cannot deny it, hell brings
inspiration. Happiness might just shut me up. Though I’m not sure, I never
found happiness. Not sure if it is possible to find happiness.
The pursuit of happiness, good
title… maybe I’m ready to write that new book after all. Other nice title: Something
impossible, like finding happiness. But what if I were to say instead: I have finally
found happiness? And write accordingly? I would lie, but maybe it would be a
good start. God knows.
I’m brain dead, that’s what I have
been, since I have arrived in
Maybe if I were to find a rich and
old boyfriend, ready to accept me in his home with one command only: write all
day long! Then maybe I would get somewhere. At the moment I am just completely
out of it.
It is not in
Maybe writing is not that
important. Living is. How I wish I could at least live in
God, am I already ready to move on?
Have I learned everything I was supposed to learn here? I don’t feel like I
have lived or learned anything. Then again, it is maybe afterwards, in my
literature, that it will all come out. And yes, you don’t know everything that
has happened to me since I am in
Apparently this year the time
worldwide will change by one second. We will gain one second. A woman
newsreader in
I thought I was the only one
drinking in
So, your woman newsreader invited
us all to do so. So I guess, this is exactly what I will do next weekend. On
that extra second we will gain, I’ll be drinking myself to death. And maybe
write one more word to this blog. Which word should it be? Sex? Good idea.
Perfect word. Maybe I’ll have sex then on that extra second we will gain on the
New Year. I doubt it, but it would be nice.
And now you know, by how down the
drain this blog has gone, that I have drank ten beers tonight. Sorry, I’ve been
in
I have lost weight since I am here.
I did not want to, it just happened. Stress, hell, feeling of being lost,
whatever. Eating is the last thing on mind at the moment. And I look much
better for it, so I can’t complain.
It seems that I am determined to
meet another mister right, here in
Especially at the turning of my
33rd year. I am getting old… one step closer to death. Realizing that we are
mortal, is, I think, a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, I don’t have any disease
that will speed up the process, and I am not willing to get one either. So
again, death will have to fall from the sky. Cheer up, I might get run over by
a car tomorrow morning on my way to work.
Merde, I should have worked on my
conference tonight. Tomorrow I will pay the price. I am a prisoner of that job.
I should try to find a way out, and still remain in
That would be the first step to my
freedom. And it is ultimately what I am looking for. The freedom to write all
day, whatever I want and feel like writing. That day will never come. Being in
There is no solution to my problem.
Maybe if I stop eating all together for another few weeks, I will be good looking
enough to attract a sugar daddy. I had many of them turning around me when I
was younger, and I was too stupid then to accept their offers. I know better
now… where is my sugar daddy? I’m ready!!! And beware, I’ll be wild in bed,
because I’m so desperate anyway, that I could sleep with a dog.
I am listening right now to the
song How soon is now, by The Smiths. And the video. There was never a better
song written on this planet, and a better video to go with it. It is killing me
that someone was able to reach what I consider to be perfection.
And what I still don’t understand
is that none of the songs or the videos from that particular album where the
song came from, sound or look like that song and video.
It is a fluke. Out of working hard,
out of genius, suddenly something divine came out, something that no one ever
will be able to top. Not even Depeche Mode was able to reach that point, I
guess they were just not depressed enough.
I wish I had lived such a moment of
genius in my life, that in three minutes I could make you listen and see
something so perfect, that it would live and survive forever as perfection. God
I wish I was capable of doing just that. I could die happily after that, all
would be accomplished.
When I listen to How soon is now, I
forget everything. I live somewhere, beyond my daily job, and my miserable
existence. I reach some sort of new world where I am beyond all that.
It is the ultimate song and the
ultimate video. Now, how could I ever write the ultimate book? Tell me? Or the
ultimate short story, lasting three minutes, where I could have the same impact
worldwide on everyone? It is just not possible.
I am wasting my time in the wrong
medium. I don’t need to write books, I need to write songs! I need to learn
music, I need time, I need to achieve that perfection! I am wasting my time. It
is frustrating, it is killing me.
Somehow, I should be able to reach
the same result through my books. I have to, that is all I have to make any
sort of impact. And I think I have reached that point before, in my unpublished
books, but I guess it had no impact whatsoever.
So I have to do it again, and this
time, revolutionize literature in the process. Which means going beyond
everything I have written so far, being even more extreme.
I have been so extreme, I don’t
think I could go any further. I also think that I am beyond that now. So I
guess I will have to live in the hope that one day some people will get back to
these extreme books that I wrote, and see them for what they are.
And they are all my earlier work,
my first books ever. After that I got lost, I tried to write to be published,
and I was. What a mistake that was. I hope I have learned my lesson, and that
from now on I will write what my heart tells me to write.
My best work must be ahead of me,
I’m sure of it. Just give me the chance, and I will lay that perfect egg, the
one which has been dying to get out for years, but never had the chance.
And it better come soon, before I
shoot myself, because life is pretty depressing at the moment, and I just don’t
know what to do to cling to it. I need another salvation, another savior, or
anything, to save me from this hell… that conference job, those people.
Oh dear… is there a way out? I
sincerely hope so.
30 December 2005
Dreaming or
I was so tired tonight, I went to bed
as soon as I arrived from work. I woke up at
My baby went to
This is where I started in
I cherish these old days when I did
not have to worry about anything, and could barely survive. Strange enough, I
am still at the same point financially, I can barely survive. So money does not
change anything.
These little villages by the sea
side, filled with little cottages with roofs made of straw, and a few shops
somewhere in the middle, with all the country side all around of a beauty to
help poets no end, this is all true. It does exist. And it becomes normal to
you until you move back to
I have met a very nice shop owner
there, of a bookstore called the Worm Hole, and it was magical. It inspired me
a film script, and gosh I would die to film that there. It is also one of the
most haunted town in
And the most interesting one is at
the heart of my film. A story about a little girl who lost the keys to the
city, of the main door of the town. Her dad lost his job as the main guardian,
and now her ghost goes around searching for those keys that she will never
find.
When you add to this that this is
the town that gave its name to New York, and just about all the York towns
there are around the world, you get a sense of the power and energy that could
emanate from this small place in the north of England.
Today I was outside at work,
looking at the huge mountain in the background, and the palm trees all over in
front of it. I was going through some sort of dilemma, would I like to be going
to
I just got into my Renault 5 and
left for
Would I like to go there again? Or
do I prefer now, after ten years, to experience something new, something
equally huge psychologically, like
The real question I asked myself
today, is that I would miss
We don’t live very long, not sure
how many more decades I have in front of me, and if I will be able to still
make huge life decisions like going back to
I cannot limit myself to one place,
I still have to experience adventure, leave just like I did, get to know new
people and new places. Live in my memories for the rest, for my nostalgia.
I don’t miss
I feel more British than
French-Canadian. And anyway, who’s interested in a French-Canadian in
I am more British than
French-Canadian, even with my thick French accent which would not fool anyone. When
I leave
I would hope to be in
I have to give it a chance.
Especially if one day I work full time in films, I will then have to be here a
lot, it is a place I will be connected to one way or another. And this is what
I am building here, the relationships that will connect me to
Most successful British now live in
And just as French-Canadian are
popular in
A major reform of the U.N. would be
necessary first, and a change of mandate. It should be stronger at the very
least and its measures more far reaching. And then, the U.N. could become
another danger to our civilization, so you can never have it both ways.
I am more philosophical tonight
that I thought I would be. It is the end of the year after all. Time to reflect
on the past year, to assess where I am, where the world is, and what is to come
and if it is worth continuing on the same path.
I lack too much data to even think
about assessing my own situation, let alone the one of the world. The truth is,
I don’t know what is going to happen next in my life, and I don’t know where
this world of ours is going.
I’d like to think that it is not
annihilation as my friend in
So there must be some sort of
future for me too, even if I cannot imagine any of it. At least it is not at
the past that I am looking, I have assumed my decisions, I have accepted my new
life, and now I am sitting here hoping for the best, for the future.
This is exactly where
What is that big destiny we are
living? Where is it that we are going? What is the future has in store for us?
Will we be happier or more miserable? Will we be hit again by terrorists or
Corporate America, can we make anyone happy by our actions, or can only
alienate everyone crossing our path?
Will
Almost, since we never know what to
expect of the future. Nothing is carved in stone, especially our rights and
liberties which have been rewritten recently. And these new terror laws are
about to become permanent. And I have heard no one scream about this. I tried
to scream, of course, I was not heard. We will just have to live with it, I
guess.
We might as well have an actor from
At the moment I am more worried
about the fact that it is 3 am, that I am on my third beer, and that I still
have one day to go before the long weekend. I’m just hoping to be able to
survive it without another call in the office to let me know how incompetent I
am in my new job.
I was again given two projects to
do at the same time, and of course, not enough time to do any of them. So I
have done one, and I tell you, I had to be highly creative to get results in
less then four hours, when I was given half an hour, and it would have taken me
three days normally.
And tomorrow somehow I need to
accomplish another miracle. I need to get in contact with the Governor of
Alaska, no less, one day before the New Year. I wish to discuss gas pipelines
please, dear me. I might just as well try to contact an alien species somewhere
in the Delta quadrant, and ask them about weird rock formations on some lost
planet. I could do that easy in a script.
In the sixty channels I have
between my TV and my DVD Recorder, somehow my TV got stuck on the channel
C-Span2 for the last few days. No wonder my brain is no longer working
properly. Yesterday a woman told the whole of
They have a senate in this country?
Is more likely the question I would be asking if I were to call C-Span2. No, I
haven’t learned how the political American system works, well I did, but I had
the time to forget in time you see.
Ignorance is a privilege these
days, and the more ignorant I can remain, the better I feel. Filling my head
with all that crap, brings me to the brink of insanity. Because so many people
are just insane in
Maybe this kind of madness happens
when your country has 300 million people, you will always find a few to support
any crazy idea, and a few rich ones willing to spend millions and stake their
life on it. I guess I am more idealistic than I would like to admit.
Should I get more local then? We
have a powerful mayor in the Valley, who from what I have read so far, seems to
approach despotism. He is definitely on some sort of power trip that went to
his head, even though all I have read so far is on the front page of the
newspaper of the valley.
I read it when I eat my toasted egg
sandwich in the morning. I don’t know, maybe he is cleaning up the corruption
around here, though this is not the impression I got.
The impression I got was that he
has the newspaper on his side and if he farts, they report it on the first page
the next day. Now, that cannot be healthy, surely… to control the media like
that. I would imagine he does most of his politics in the newspaper office. That
says it all. One step closer to propaganda.
I did not want to become political,
especially that I am so ignorant about it (thank god!). So let’s talk about
something else. Music. On my SD card right now I have some Depeche Mode,
Gorillaz, Charlatans UK, Goldfrapp, Sinead O’Connor (no wonder I feel all
screwed up) and some Suzanne Vega.
I’m afraid, once it is on my SD
card in my phone, that is all I listen to for weeks and months. Because it
takes me forever to decide to change the MP3s on my player. Suzanne Vega is the
only artist I have seen in concert more than once, apart from Depeche Mode. I
saw her in
It is so special when someone so
big comes to such a remote place as my region in the North of Canada. I loved
every second of it, I felt in love right there with her. She is also a proof
that somehow both my region and
I have to try hard to remember
anything that happened to me whilst I was living in the North of Québec, it is
like another lifetime to me, a past life. I can barely remember anything after
It is like I would love to forget
where I come from, as if it had never existed. However this is difficult, since
all my family still live there. I am being brought back there all the time,
even if I did not show up once in the last 5 years, and on my last visit, it
had been five years since I put my foot there.
I hate it. I hate
Would it not be better to say that
I was born in the
Being a French-Canadian, you cannot
exist outside of Québec. You can have some success in
I want to be from everywhere, I
want to live everywhere, I want to speak for the whole world, I want to be
universal. It is just as well that so far I had more success everywhere else in
the world than in Québec, who still don’t know who I am. I could not bare it
anyway, I hate small minded people. And they certainly are.
I was born with the idea that I
could never achieve anything in life. That I would be lucky to even get heard
in
I am glad I skipped that step
altogether and was recognized in
I am from my time. I could have
been born in the
And yet, after all is done, it is
probably the only place on the planet where they will not forget me, my books,
my life. Because I belong there, I belong to them. There is no denying it. At
least they are proud of their peers succeeding outside of the province, the
country. It makes them dream that they could too reach out like this.
If ever all I have written in my
life will help me survive, as some sort of pension, it will be because all the
students in Québec will have to buy my books every year to read them and
analyze them. I cannot say I don’t like this idea. It would be consecration. As
I’m sure, this would never happened in
And that is the problem. Limits.
Hard for someone to create anything, and for it to go beyond the borders of
where he was born. Why is this so? I was born with the idea that I could never
reach out to the world, that no one would ever read me outside of my province.
So little authors made it to
I’m afraid to admit, once again, it
does mean something to me. I’m dying to be recognized in Québec. They are 8
million of them after all, almost as big as
It has not happened yet, but I know
it will one day. It should, though it might never happened. Maybe I am the odd
one, who will never be recognized in his own land. And just about every article
about me so far in my home land has been about that, that no one is a prophet
in his own country, or something like that anyway.
They do know me though, a lot have
heard of me. I am known there, I know that. But it is not enough. Again, I am
ambitious, I need to conquer places, I need to be heard without any doubt. I
want to become the most important author that ever lived in Québec. That is
secretly what I want, and now openly, since I am drunk enough to say so in my
blog. Then again, this is in English, none of them will read this, so I feel
safe talking like this here.
And the thing is, I have written
enough already that I could become that now, or in time, without writing
another word. It is great when at 33 you feel like you have done everything,
written anything that you feel needed to be written. That whatever else you
might do would be just a waste of time and unnecessary.
You can also decide that all that
was a waste of time and that everything great and wonderful, your best work, is
still ahead of you. It gives you a second chance at life, the hope to get
somewhere, a drive to start that great destiny. And I chose that view. That
everything great was ahead of me, not in the past.
So I have a lot of work to do. I
don’t even know where to start. I need to break up with my past, with
everything I have done so far. It is not a continuation, it is starting from
nothing. I am in
Meeting the right people might
change all that. Let’s keep the hope, let’s keep dreaming, let’s see what will
happen next. Let’s just go over the end of this year, and start anew.
The New Year should be my most
promising year ever, and sure enough, every year in the last ten years has been
better than the previous one. And I am at the right place, at the right time,
to make that New Year my best ever.
I will get somewhere.
10 January 2006
I feel sick today, I do not feel
very motivated. I am also tired. I worked hard on that film script, but now
really in the last two days. I think I am just permanently tired and I don't
know what to do to get out of my lethargy. Sleep I guess, a luxury I have not
known for the past 33 years.
I am also, and I don't care if he
is reading this right now, I am also exceedingly tired of feeling observed and
watched and spied upon by the Black guy at work. I am tired that when I go
downstairs to buy a sandwich, he comes out of the lift. That every times I am
not working or that I am talking, here he goes in the background. That every
time I go to the kitchen, he comes in the kitchen too. For god's sake!
Just leave me alone! And when I am
late, that's it, he is just to not be sitting on my chair to find out at the
time I will be arriving. And you just know that all these he records somewhere
and reports back to my bosses. I am the only one who is paranoid about him,
since no one else were told by Isabella (the San Salvadorian girl), that the
Black guy was watching over us. So as soon as the bosses disappear, everyone
starts talking to each other, even if the Black guy is there. He must be
reporting a lot of misbehavior then... my valley girl is certainly an expert at
going around the office and gossiping for hours.
My boss' wife is going back to
12 January 2006
Desperate for a way out… of
conferences
It is fitting that just at the end
of last year, a few days ago, I was saying that this New Year would be my best
ever. I was of course talking about my potential success in
What has been on my mind is that I
am ready. I am ready to start my own business. And funny enough, it is that I
have worked in
It is perfect, this is what I need
to free myself from any obligations at any time. And in time I will be able to
hire someone to do what I am supposed to do in that conference business, and if
it becomes necessary for me to work on a film script for a month, it should not
be a problem.
It is also after researching a
whole conference about venture capital and private equity at work, that I
realized that many people out there have more money than they know what to do
with it, and are dying to invest in just about any crazy idea out there. And
the beauty of it is, that to start a company, you don’t need any money. You
just need a good idea and a good business plan.
So I have downloaded the perfect
application to help me do just that, and it has been brewing in my mind for
quite a while now, even if it has only been a few days. The fact that I have to
start working on my first conference at work, and that I would do anything not to
start working on that conference, has fueled me into working on my own business
plan.
Of course, I think I am as
intelligent as my bosses, so why should I be a slave to them, when they made
something like a million dollar last year, when I can do the same and have my
own slaves?
Obviously I am not taken the easy
route. I won’t be doing business or corporate conferences, which would ensure a
lot of revenue. I am heading towards the mass market, the paranormal, the new
age stuff, psychics and theoretical physics. I could seriously fail in my
venture. But being my own boss of a company I care nothing about is not my idea
of fun.
I have to contribute to something I
believe in, that motivates me. I don’t want to fall asleep in the conference
rooms of my own events. I want to be passionate about what it is all about. This
has nothing to do with making money, it is about having the freedom I want and
make enough to survive whilst still doing what I want to do in life.
I will not be able to charge $3,000
per delegate, like most companies I worked for. And many times, we barely broke
even and get back our investment. I will need to charge as little as possible,
and still manage to make a profit. I feel that I might then get more people
than just the magic 100 delegates we have always been reaching for, to cover
our cost. I will need at least 200 delegates to get back my money, but then I
am counting on exhibitors and sponsors to make a profit.
I need to start slowly, only Stephen
and I will work on this at the beginning so it does not cost me $60,000 per
conference. And eventually, as we get more money, I will hire telesales and
sponsorship people. I can take care of everything else with Stephen.
And this means that this business
will be based in
I will need a good marketing
budget, £12,000 at least per event. I am even considering not printing anything
and not posting any flyers. I wonder if everything can be done electronically,
and advertisement with associations’ members and magazines.
To be safe, I need a budget of £40,000
per conference, and I need enough money to do three conferences in the first
year. All sensibly related to the same subject, so I don’t have to triple my
costs in all areas. Working on one event will be like working on all three at
the same time.
One conference, the big one, will
take place in
I am so excited about all this, I
can barely wait to write the conference programs. And this is a first for me,
because in the last ten years, I always did everything else but write my
conference agenda. And the thing is, it would have made my life so much easier
to forget everything else and concentrate on the program from the start. Human
nature, I hate writing conference programs on subjects I care nothing about,
when the profit goes to someone else.
So I need £200,000 to start my
business. And within a year I need to have gotten back that money with my three
conferences. Seems unrealistic, I will have to cut corners. If I don’t provide
food, and I should not be expected to do so when charging so little to attend,
I might get away with costs of £30,000 per conference.
I could do it all for £120,000, the
extra £30,000 would be to pay the rent, cars, our own food and bills. But I
want to be on the safe side, so I will need £200,000 just in case. And keep the
extra money for the fourth event.
Once again my blog (and writing my
books) helps me to figure out important stuff. Sounds like a plan. And now I am
dying to write that business plan and go back to
It would be reassuring to know that
I can count on my credit rate in the
Even Stephen at the beginning will
not even leave his job, I will be all alone to work on this. I feel that
somehow I will make it come true and make a nice profit. That’s the difference
between being a slave, or your own boss with the need to survive.
I will tell the bank that I need
three years to make my first profit, so it will give me some time to get this
company somewhere without too much stress. It is well known that it is in the
second and third year running for any event to become huge. And that is what I
plan to build in time. The most important conferences on any of the subjects
that I will take on.
And I don’t care about competition,
I have produced too many conferences in my lifetime which had sensibly the same
program and speakers than a dozen other conferences in the same town, and yet,
we made a good profit. Perhaps we did not have the same delegates, but we
certainly had the same sponsors and exhibitors, and those want as many
conferences on the subjects they are interested in as can be.
So, in retrospect, my ten years
working in conferences might not be wasted after all. I am 33 years old, still
quite young. It is very much worth diving into the unknown of having my own
business. I could be working another 37 years for others if I don’t do
something and if I have to retire at 70, as it seems very likely now. And if my
great topics for conferences don’t work very well, I can change instantly to
better and more profitable areas, even if I dislike the topics, and then I will
insure my future.
The only thing that could stop me
now, is the film script I am working on. If somehow that gets sold, it would
certainly change my life and I can forget about conferences forever. I am in
And I already have the name of my
future company: The Marginal Conferences. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you
think? And I will film the conferences and publish books about what will be
said at the events. So the ultimate name will be The Marginal Productions, and
there will be The Marginal Films and The Marginal Publishing. And eventually,
perhaps, who knows, The Marginal Grocery Store and the Marginal Bank, but these
will be non-profit organizations to help the planet. One can dream!
If I was a bit more adventurous, my
company would be called The Marginal Productions Company, and The Marginal Conferences. But somehow too many squeamish people would be
stopped by that. So I can’t afford it for my business. Oh well, who cares
anyway? It might never see the light of day.
21 January 2006
Going back to work on Monday, makes
you wish for an earthquake
Now I think I am going to bed. I’m
going to try to forget this day. And tomorrow I won’t do anything, so perhaps
the day will seem long, and going back to work on Monday will not come so fast.
Another week there might be just what I need to tip me over the edge. When the
valley girl will open her mouth to shout with her nasal voice, as she always
does, I will have to contain myself to prevent me from hitting her in the face.
Because I am reaching my limit of annoyance.
The same with the Chinese girl who
has the most annoying and loud voice, while thinking the world of herself, and
being so condescending about everyone else. She needs to get back on earth. I
don’t know what she has to prove, what she has gone through in her life to
reach that point, but she seems blind to the fact that she has turned into a
monster and I just can’t bear it anymore.
I will also have to work with the
Senior Conference Producer, who is becoming more patronizing by the day with
me, when I have as much experience as him, and my conference programs have
always looked ten times more elaborate than his, and I worked on them alone.
And yet I am helping him to produce
that crap event. And not only that, he also has another Chinese girl working
for him on this. What the heck has he done on that conference apart from
writing two miserable and meaningless pages that I can’t even understand? It
makes no sense, and yet it will bring a hundred delegates because… whatever,
the subject is of interest to the people who will attend. Even if they will
have to go to
Right, I will need at least one
full day to prepare myself mentally to go back there for a whole week. Makes
you wish that an earthquake, a hurricane or even bird flu will hit
22 January 2006
Could my baby have met someone else
in
Funny, I woke up today and I tried
to reach Stephen. Yesterday he was not there, and today it seems that he is
somewhere else again. I was wondering if what I thought would never happen,
could have actually happened. Could he have met someone in
It would only be fair, considering
what I did in
For the last two days he has not
been home, and he had a few gay people buzzing around him at work, even though
he would never say anymore than that to me. Is it possible that he found
someone else? He might have gone to these gay bars, talk with a few people, god
knows, it is certainly possible.
Well, good luck for the guy who
will end up with him: heroine addiction, crazy behaviors, virtually no sex for
weeks if not months without first begging, suffering someone with a verbal
diarrhea problem, with more debts than
At the same time, I have to admit,
that if he was to tell me that he has met someone, it would in a way force the
issue. It would liberate me from the return to
You will note that I am no longer
in crisis this morning, I keep a great memory of my little trip of yesterday
around town, I’m back to normal. Even if I am still a bit freaked out and that
I am not certain what I will do today.
I slept 12 hours. Again I had those
weird dreams about my father and my sister. It’s been three days in a row now,
never mind the phone bill, I think I will call them both today, something might
be going on over there in the North of Canada, and of course if I don’t call,
I’ll be the last one to know in six months time when they decide to call.
23 January 2006
I can be sacked at one minute’s
notice
George is finally gone, just like
that. He is supposed to come back to help a bit with sales, but he is no longer
working here. I have to say, it is one thing to have contracts that can be
terminated at one minute’s notice, it is another to leave someone in the hole
like that, especially when they have a family and children.
This impossibility to plan your
life ahead at least one month in advance, is quite disturbing. Moreover that
the guy has been working here for at least 6 years. Unbelievable that after all
that, he had no security whatsoever, because apparently he was working on a
contract basis.
Well, I have to say that I don't
find that very inspiring and I should be prepared any day to be told that I
have been sacked. And at that point I am not certain what I will be able to do
to pay my apartment and plane ticket, I would just hope that it would come at a
time right after I get paid or close to being paid. I have absolutely no
motivation today after what I just heard. I feel I will be sacked as well any
day now.
However I think that in his case
there was more than what we have been told, obviously. I won't be the one to
hear about the gossip, that's for sure. I guess the bosses did not know after
all that he was developing his business plan for the last two years about that
pyramidal scheme of insurance selling. I guess they did not see clearly through
his game, they would have realized that he would never have made it in that
scheme. Never made any money and probably would never have made the jump.
According to my valley girl, this
had nothing to do with him being laid off. And apparently he will get
unemployment insurance. And apparently any employer can sack any of their
employees at 5 minutes notice without giving real good explanation or
justifying it. The employees can do the same.
So I guess that if as an employer
you prefer to make sure you can get rid of your employees fast, and don't
really care if you lose any of your best employees fast as well, than
In those countries, employers often
have a damn hard time getting rid of people they don't want or who are useless.
And that is why they play this hard game with the personal department where
they eventually find a way to make your life so impossible, that you will
either leave or they will eventually be able to get rid of you on a stupidity
or something.
In a way the American system, even
if it leaves you in the shit and does not give you the time to find another
job, it certainly spare you the psychological nightmare of going through the
long process of being sacked via 3 warnings and multiple hard meetings, etc.
And finally,
I think it is interesting from the
point of view of history to have at least one country that has pushed the idea
of capitalism to its limits, and I would not have seen this for myself if I had
not come here in the first place. Let's see where all of this will lead them
to. Who knows who is right in the end?
Phew, now I can I speak. Before I
was at work, so I had to sound nice just in case the Black guy could read. I am
so disgusted that he was sacked like that, such a nice guy. I hope he was ready
for his new job in that pyramidal thing, even if it is temporary. Hopefully he
will make some money there. If he is that successful, perhaps they will give
him great potential contracts. Of course, this is if they still believe in his
potential, considering that he was sacked.
Bof, I don’t feel like talking
anymore. Stephen just called. I was worried for no reason this weekend. He
still loves me very much and he is still faithful. And I believe him, at least
that’s one person who does not lie to me, so I hope. One person I can actually
trust for a change.
Who should have been sacked, it is
those two girls, the valley girl and the Chinese one. Who have cost the jobs of
so many before through their own incompetence. They successfully blamed their
inadequacy on the ones under them. I had quite a conversation with Isabella
about them today, she can’t stand them. They sound nice, but they stab her all
the time, especially the valley girl.
There is always a bitch in any
conference office that will always keep track of everyone’s movement, and will
love to make a big deal of if you disappear for five minutes when you were not
supposed to. The valley girl is like that. If you go to lunch for too long, she
will find a reason to be looking for you and will go and ask everyone in the
company where you are and why you are not at your desk, and that you were gone
for two hours, etc. I have met them all my life, there is always one like that.
And of course, when they are late, no problems, no one is there to do the same
to them.
And my valley girl is always late
at the moment, she seems to have problems getting to work. And every time,
being so perfect, she calls the office to let them know she will be one hour
late. And every time we receive an email saying she will be late. I must have
30 of them by now, so she should worry about her own schedule instead of trying
to denounce everyone else for the little freedom they try to take back from the
company.
I did not have to tell Isabella
that I found their voice annoying, that’s the first thing she said. And she
even does a great imitation of the valley girl. Isabella did say that the
valley girl could be helpful at times, and very nice, and this is also true, I
have to admit. She just appears to be incapable of thinking before she speaks,
it comes out naturally automatically, and sometimes she can be very rude or
insulting. I’m glad I’m not under her, I would have been sacked by now.
One more thing, the lost of our
salesman had a horrific effect on all of us. We have all been promoted to
salesmen as well. Now I will have to sell sponsorship deals and exhibitor’s
space. Something I am certainly not enjoying. Cold calling, asking for money,
being hung up on the phone. Not counting how long that will take, considering
what we already have to do to finish these conferences in no time.
The one positive thing about this
is that I will finally learn the only thing I had not learned in my 10 years in
conferences. Sales of SPEX. After that I would guess that I will not be afraid
to pick up the phone and ask for money. I might learn a thing or two that will
be useful for my future company.
And obviously, all that news today
made me want to go home and work on my own business. The only thing that
stopped me is Stephen, saying that neither of us will be able to get the money
to start that business. Me because of my so-called bankruptcy, and him because,
if he puts the apartment for collateral, his parents will never forgive him and
will disinherit him. Not counting that his mother had enough of me, and would
probably hope by now that I will remain here and Stephen in
I have been there before, my first
boyfriend and his mother, freaking out when I left for
What Stephen’s mother does not
know, is that if our relationship ends, Stephen will die of an overdose. And without
me in his life for the past 11 years, he would certainly be dead by now. I
should have told her that before I left. As it stands, I was hiding in the
toilets when she last visited, I could not confront her. I wanted to say
goodbye, but she left too quickly. And Stephen was not pleased about that.
I will still do my business plan,
you never know.
29 January 2006 (2)
One cousin in prison, the other in
hospital
My mom just called, my cousin is in
prison and my other cousin is in hospital, she almost died. One of the other
passengers who were in the car accident has many broken things, and the other
one, as my cousin who is now in prison, have nothing.
Apparently there was ice on the
road. It is so common these car accidents in my region in the North of Québec,
it is amazing that we are still all alive today. I myself had quite an accident
once, and I thought I was going to die.
What is less usual, well not
exactly, but my cousin was three or four times over the alcohol limit, and
everyone else in the car were also completely drunk and were only 15 years old.
I then called my sister, who will
have her new baby in less than 11 days. She was so hyperactive, in the end she
hung up the phone on me, despite the fact that I was quite laid back. I could
not believe it. I then called my father, but he was not there. I spoke with his
wife, and she said that with pregnant women, it was normal to be freaked out
for no reason. She said to call my sister one week after she had her baby to
congratulate her, and everything will be forgotten.
Perhaps, but I call my sister once
every six months, if she is lucky. I must have called her less than 10 times in
the last 15 years. I can assure you that it will be a very long time before I
call her again. Even if we love each other very much and are usually very
close.
All of this was quite a shock, but
I am watching Ship in a Bottle now, Star Trek the Next Generation, the episode
about Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty. I thought how great an actor Daniel
Davis is, and how perfect he would be in the film script I am working on. And
then I did a little bit of research and realized that he was in the TV series The
Nanny. I wonder if he could still be the right actor now, if he is going to be
recognized as that butler. I would certainly hire him if I could, and if this
film is ever made.
So sad that my cousin is in prison
now, and the other one is dying in the hospital. My mom was saying that a lot
can happen in one day, even in one hour. She is certainly right there. And yet,
nothing has happened in my life in the last three months. It is just as well,
the only big life changing events that happen overnight, are usually the most
destructive ones. The productive events in your life seem to take months if not
years to come to any conclusion.
30 January 2006 (2)
The Cool Spanish Guy I am working
with, a Metrosexual?
And after all this, which was just
an appetizer, let me talk about that little Hispanic guy at work. The cool
Spanish guy, as described before. I think I have been flirting a bit too much
with him, only because he let it happen. So how straight is he then? Today I
had to fight Isabella twice, she was suggesting out loud that I was interested
in him. I had to hit her a bit and call her some names out loud. Hopefully she
will calm down.
Well, at least now the cool Spanish
guy knows I am interested. It is most probably a tired long running joke in my
back at work that I fancy him. I even think that the Director is involved, as
at one point some days ago he said that he needed some sunlight, and he went to
the Spanish guy and acted weird. As if the Spanish guy was some sort of
illumination or positive force. And somehow, I feel this is all down to the
fact that I feel it could be that way, and everyone knows.
I certainly like to look at him, he
is the only thing that makes this whole job bearable. He usually wears sandals,
he has big feet, and a nice face. He seems so pure and innocent, and childish,
despite his 28 years. As I said before, there is nothing threatening in his
eyes, he is totally genuine. And intelligent and quick. He comes to me to
correct his English, can you believe, when his English must be twice better
than mine.
I can just imagine what it would be
like to be in his arms for one long big night. The Earth will stop turning,
that’s for sure. Love would be written all over this special event. But before
I get carried away, he is most probably straight, even if I have my doubts.
First he is too comfortable with my
flirting, he had girlfriends before, and apparently he had a date last week
with one of them. That does not look like someone incapable of accepting his
homosexuality, it sounds more like a Metrosexual. Someone who is comfortable
with the thought that men could be attracted to them, but ultimately would
never go any further than flirting on the edge.
So I don’t know what to do about
it. I don’t want either to become the clown of the office, by going for a lunch
with him, whilst the only purpose would be to get back to the office to tell
everyone whatever I might have implied.
He took two photos of me today,
why? What was the purpose of this? Again, I am reading too much into this. It
means nothing. But his interest in me seems to have gone higher since I started
to wear my black jeans, and black polo shirts, and especially my black shoes.
He seemed to think that I can be cool as well. And what he does not know, is
that I am light years more cool than he is, so I think anyway.
He is 28 years old, he has nothing
to show for it. He is definitely two dimensional. I think I have lived enough
on this earth, and in so many countries, and written so much, that I am living
in at least 10 dimensions.
Which means that I will have much
more to give to him than he will ever have to give back in return. It would
most likely be a one way relationship, I will give, he will take. This is how
empty I see him. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. A man who’s only friends are
the three insignificant girls surrounding me, cannot be that cool. Unless
somehow these girls were more specials than I first assessed. Which I doubt
very much.
The truth is that he could enjoy
this flirtation for months, when I would actually act upon it. That makes a big
difference. It means that he is someone who’s not mature enough, despite his 28
years. Nothing will ever happen between us, I know that. It is a game for him.
And I play it because I’m so bored in that office.
The difference is, that if he is
gay at all, he’s lost. He will definitely fall in love with me as if he had
never lived before, a bit like Leonardo, even though Leonardo is much more
complex and had some sort of background. And it would not be certain that I
will fall in love with him. Though he is so charming and cute, it would be very
difficult to resist.
But one thing that being older and
mature bring, is that I can stop myself from loving someone. I can understand
that it will lead to disaster before it even begins. The head is controlling
the body, not the other way around. It may be sad, but this is where I am at in
my life.
I have a life, I have a destiny. It
spawns many lifetimes, many relationships, many countries. I am going somewhere
and nothing will get in the way of that destiny. I might not know where I am
going, but I don’t care. I know what I want, I know what’s good for me. I know
where I will be in five years time, because it will be exactly where I want to
be.
He’s got no clue of who he is and
what he represents. He does not even believe he has any kind of potential. I
don’t even think he has any dream or goals in life. I asked him if he could
write conference programs, for a report I was writing, suggesting that he
should, instead of being the slave of that Chinese girl. He interpreted it as
if I did not believe he could. He felt the need to prove to me that he was
capable, saying that I doubted he was even intelligent. How cool is that, I ask
you?
I had to tell him that I sincerely
thought he could be responsible for his own conferences, and get rid of being a
slave, an assistant. I don’t think it registered in his brain what I was
talking about. He has no idea that I am writing reports for the bosses, on how
this whole company should be. I can’t tell them either. The bosses have hired
these expensive consultants to change it all, and in the end they will all
agree that my suggestions are the way to go. Because I have seen the perfect
way to achieve what they are trying to achieve, in many companies I worked for
before.
They are not asking for my reports,
I write them on my spare time. They obviously did not trust my judgment, my
experience. They need to pay big money to have it confirmed to them. I don’t
mind, I am beyond caring, since my single idea is to get out of this job. And
yet, everything I have written in my reports so far, seems to have been
observed. Even before I started. I am only realizing now that they have changed
a lot before I arrived, based on my reports.
And now they are addicted, they
want more from professional sources. Without understanding that it could only
come from someone with the specific experience that they are in. They were not
crazy when they decided to get me there in the first place. They knew I could
help them change, the way they wanted. They are just incapable of admitting
great work when it is there, something echoed by my Valley Girl.
Sad that I will have left them by
the time they realize what they had. Sad that they will be powerless to prevent
me from leaving when I do, as at that point they would want to say how helpful
I have been, and how all my reports were on the dot and will lead to happiness
and success. It will be too late then. I did not feel appreciated, I was
pressured, I was pushed out. I am leaving with a smile on my face, feeling
liberated from that nightmare.
I don’t even think that in the next
two months they will be able to change my mind, that place is not a nice place
to work. If people maintained themselves for so long, it must be out of
necessity, good paying jobs they could not so easily abandon from fears of
looking like useless people to the people they’re living with. And a lack of
guts to get out there and find a better job.
These small minded people make me sick.
I would have thought to meet them in
1 February 2006
Like a young actor who has not made
it yet in
Oh, what a day. Nothing of any
significance happened, and yet I am dead. I spent last night helping Leonardo,
my new friend in
I took two hours for lunch, but I
still managed to work 30 minutes more tonight, to send many emails that should
have been sent days ago. So it looks good.
I also got the chance to ask the
Spanish guy, who has been flirting with me for weeks now, if he was gay or not.
He said that he is as straight as they come. I find that hard to believe,
however I believe it. So that is at least sorted.
The last two days he came at work
dressing like some sort of young actor who has not made it yet. Funky, shorts,
bubble hat, whatever. I asked him if he had a date or if it was for us that he
decided to dress like that. For us apparently. And the Valley Girl had another
one of her comments to make, she asked: what have you decided to wear today?
Ah, you’re wearing everything!
He knows he is kind of cute, and he
will take any flirting from anyone, even men. At the same time, the guy is
fatter than me, so he can’t brag too much! Well, I’m not that fat, and he is
not either, so he still has his sex appeal.
Today he referred again to the fact
that he knew everything about me, that everyone knew. As if somehow they were
aware of my blog and were all reading it. It made me freak out. I probed him,
and he mentioned the word blog, about other of my readers having blogs about me
(I did show him I think some people blogging about my books in
I think he realized he said too
much and at that point he would have had to tell me that they were all reading
my blog at work. At that moment, I would have deleted it. So he concocted that
other excuse, that he was talking about others talking about me.
I believe he might have been
talking about what the Black guy can read in the files I am sending myself home
sometimes. That’s also possible. God knows.
Well, if they are all reading this
blog, let’s give them something to chew on. All the girls at work are quite
fat, and they are all buzzing around him, probably in love, but he is not
interested. Yet, he loves the attention, he needs them to feel better about
himself. And now he is exercising to lose weight. I wonder why, something must
have changed, perhaps he is interested in someone after all, but not me, that’s
for sure.
The only girls who are not fat in
the office are the two Chinese girls and the wife of my boss. One of the
Chinese girls is so annoying and rude, it does not really matter if she is not
fat, she kinds of cancel the fact that she is not fat by her behavior.
The other one is so lovely, I could
take her as my wife quite easily. At least she could become a friend, but I
just don’t know how to make friends anymore, especially in a work environment.
Anyway, I don’t have enough time for friends. Leonardo is already stretching me
to the limits. And I have to remind him when it is just too much.
Oh God, I’m bored, I’m sick, I have
to go to bed, it is merely 8 pm. I only live to work, I don’t write, I don’t
read, I had only a beer, and a full plate of god knows what, thinking it would
make me feel better, but now I’m ready to puke everywhere. What a sad
unproductive life. Please someone just shoot me in the head!
I don’t even look forward to the
weekend. I used to be so excited to regain my freedom, but my weekends are so
boring, they have become as routine as my daily job in conferences.
Something has got to happen soon,
before they find me dead drunk in my flat, weighting over
Just shoot me.
2 February 2006
A big spamming machine, here are
our brooochuuurres
Today lot’s of stress at work. I
think the Spanish guy went around all the girls at work to let them know that I
asked if he was gay yesterday, and obviously he is not. I think they all had a
good laugh about it. I can’t blame them, life is so boring in this office at
the moment, despite all the background action from all these consultants they
hired.
Maybe something will happen to
change it all, and somehow I don’t think it will be for the better. Change is
seldom for the better, which is why following changes in any office, many
people leave right after. Especially if they have been there for years and were
used to do their job a certain way that worked for them.
Today, despite sleeping for 9 hours
yesterday, I could not stand the Chinese girl speaking, to even hear her say
the word Brooochuuure with her accent is just too much for me. So you can imagine
I was not in the mood to listen to the valley girl either.
And I managed to insult her badly,
as everyone else in the office. When I told them about Bush cutting 40 billions
in the social services area, and wanting to make the Terror Laws (Patriot Act)
permanent. When I understood that the valley girl found all that very much
acceptable, I said no wonder this country is going down the drain. I did not
really thought that, it was meant as some sort of joke, but obviously it came
out as a huge insult to all the Americans in the office.
So there were tensions, after the
valley girl said that she will not discuss these things at work. I did not even
feel guilt for saying such a thing, I felt disgusted and tired of this life. I
don’t know what else to invent to get back on the train, to be motivated to
accomplish anything. I would need at least three days off, not a weekend. Two
days is just enough to decompress me and then I have to go back to work.
Dear me, I have to go back to work.
Sending emails and call people for money. A woman called this morning to let me
know that we were sending them too many emails and broochuuuurres. Which
reminds me, that is what I will create with my conference company, a big
spamming machine that will bother everyone that will have the misfortune to end
up in my database.
I refused to spam people about my
literary website, and now I will have to do so for my company. This thought
only came to me recently, and I don’t really like it. I’ll become one more big
spammer on the net. I guess there are ways around this, that could make it a
little bit more acceptable. Giving them the chance instantly to be out of my
database, but will that be enough? I receive so much spam, if I were to want
get out of all these databases it would be impossible. Especially that when you
do request that, instead you confirm your email address and suddenly you are
added to 20 more lists.
Real spammers have destroyed it for
everyone. Not sure how I will live with all this, my conscience, bothering people,
in the name of making a few bucks. Ah, if only I was selling such a great
service that everyone would just flock to me. But that does not exist without
great visibility. And that means marketing, telesales, publicity, other
concepts I just hate and would gladly live without.
3 February 2006
I don’t know what the temperature
reached today in Woodland Hills in the
I left the office at 16h (4 pm) and
I simply feel electrified. A surge of electron cloud bursts filling my body. I
feel like I just got out of hibernation and I could scream and dance and sing
all night long.
It is not a sexual burst, it is a
creative Big Bang. I am ready to write some great stuff, accomplish something
huge, anything. I even forgo doing my laundry, I am already on the beers, I
have plugged myself onto the Eurhythmics Greatest Hits full blast, I am ready
for all the inspiration in the world to fill me in.
It is not the choice that is
lacking, I can work on my theoretical physics ideas, a new film script, my
blog, even on the long overdue update of my websites. I could also work on my
poetry like book that I started some time ago but kind of forgot in the last
few weeks. Dear, I could even start writing a novel! Oh, I am even ready to
work on my own conferences, my future company. But I’m afraid, I might already
be too drunk to care about that.
Gosh, I need to plug the computer
directly to my brain, maybe some of those IEEE 1394 cables would do the trick,
it needs to be an instant transfer!
But the day did not start like
that. For the first time ever this morning, I so not could stand hearing the
voice of the Valley Girl in full bloom, that I had to leave the office at least
three times. She was also feeling the burst from the Sun, she too did not do
anything, she went from person to person and talked all day.
The Chinese girl gave me some looks
that told me all, she really does not like me. She can’t even hide it, and
there is nothing I can do about it. Yesterday she attacked me for the first
time, saying that one of my jokes was not funny. She was defending the Valley
Girl.
They are closer together than I
thought, even if everything about their personality tells me they should clash
like water and fire. They are essentially the only two Conference Managers, and
what the Valley Girl worked on the previous years, the Chinese girl is now in
charge of. They both feel ostracized by too much management over their head,
and not enough control on anything they are working on.
And the Spanish guy who is just the
assistant of the Chinese girl, appears to give himself more credit than he
deserves. He calls his Manager’s conferences his. And he could almost be right
there, since apart from writing the conference program, he did about just
everything else. Which makes me wonder what is it exactly that the Chinese girl
has done in those last five events they produced together.
Give me an assistant any day, and
that’s it, I will never do anything again at work! I will simply make the hard
decisions, the decisions I have made all my life whilst doing my conferences,
and then tell someone else to do everything else.
Well, all that might change soon.
My last report states quite clearly that assistants should be something from
the past. They should produce their own events, including writing the programs.
That would please the Spanish guy, he wants to own these conferences, he does
not understand yet the hell that comes with that. I would not be surprised if
he were to leave after three months, the time I guess it would take him to have
to write three conference programs. Careful what you wish for, it is a bastard
of a job.
I stopped myself from telling them
to forget about the huge fairs they are organizing, because it monopolizes the
Valley Girl and two assistants for over six months, so basically she can walk
around doing nothing all day, and it seems completely acceptable.
I just love my little reports I
have written for that company in
Enough talk about work. I have two
days to decompress and do something significant. It depresses me to watch
Eurhythmics videos, so much greatness, reminding me that I am not out there
making things come true. Just watched the video “You Have Place a Chill in my
Heart”, and it was the Californian desert and mountains of the Valley. Even a
Ralphs grocery store. It is the first time I notice that they filmed that in
And “I’d love to listen to
Beethoven” and “I Need a Man” have always been my favorite videos ever, and
great songs and words to back it up. These three videos are building a
wonderful story, and I don’t tire of watching it. Is there a woman more
powerful on the planet than Annie Lennox? I don’t think so.
God knows what we would talk about
if I were to ever meet her. I fear I would disappoint. She is to me what Elvis
or the Beatles can be to people from the older generation. And that they were
British made me think they were reachable to me, but of course, they never were
and will never be. I used to work in a café just under of where Dave Stewart
lives, in
Genius in action, that song “1984
Sex Crime”, it is huge, it is the crossing in time of George Orwell genius work
and one of the best songs and videos ever on the music side. Sometimes events
can just reach perfection, and it is one of those times.
Wooah, killing me. I need to be
doing that, I need to go down in history, I need to produce things, write
things, write songs. Which brings me back to Leonardo. He can make it all come
true, he can place me in a position to get my songs out, I need to concentrate
on that as well.
I sent him all my potential songs,
but he never had the time to read any of it. I can understand, it was 250 pages
long, and that was only what I thought could do great songs. I could have sent
him 1000 pages worth of songs. And yet, I am at zero on that point. I need to
restart from the beginning. Sit down and write the perfect new songs that will
revolutionize everything.
Even if I need to lose
I am now watching the R.E.M. videos
from the DVD “Pop!”. Another string of well thought stuff. Killing me. Will I
become someone thinking and talking more about creating things, than actually
working at producing things?
I am all over the place now, and I
am just a writer. Books, films, theatre, theoretical physics, TV, music,
videos, conferences… and what else? If I had been as talented as two of my
ex-boyfriends, and my best friend in
At least I am only talented in one
domain, writing. Not my fault if it reaches so many different kinds of media.
Just need to concentrate on what might have a huge impact. And at this time, I
just don’t know from where it will first spill unto the world.
Yes, I am already recognized, yes,
it is out there, yes I have fans from every corner of the world, but that is
far from being enough. It is the world’s attention I need to catch. Change on a
massive scale, that’s what I want. And less for me than for the impact that it
may have, that it will have.
I have dreams of changing the
world, you see. No small challenge. So don’t be surprised to read my
politico-philosophical treaty one day about revolutionizing politics and
justice. This has already been on my mind for over 15 years. I might just write
a film script about it.
And being stuck in the South-West
of America with Bush as President, is feeding me just the right thing. If the
Republicans win the next elections, I’ll be ready to write the book about what
not to do in politics and how the system has to change to prevent such
corruption. Oh, I can see I am already ready. Just add it to the list of things
I have to write tonight. I might get there eventually.
Time for another beer! I’ll
definitely need it. Because somehow this will need all the inspiration in the
world that I can get. I might as well open a pack of cigarette at the same
time. And god knows, are they now selling these cans of oil from
I understood today what it is that
I like about
I did not even think that orange,
lemon and grapefruit trees really existed, and yet last night at Leonardo’s
place, I picked up some juicy fruits from his garden. Unbelievable! Orange and
lemon trees are something, but juicy grapefruits? Surely they are too heavy to
grow on trees? I have them on my counter now, they smell good. I just cut into
the lemon to put in my Budweiser, and dear me, it is a dream come true.
In the morning, on my way to work,
I have been so not observant. It took me weeks to see my first orange tree. And
now I have spotted over 12 trees bearing gorgeous oranges, lemons and
grapefruits. It is amazing, something that you would only see in a virtual
world in your own computer. With the weather to match it. No need to dream of a
better world anymore, of better days, it is right there in your garden, on your
way to work, on your lunch hour when you walk at the back of your office. In
January and February no less. That tells it all.
It is going to be hard to leave
this place, I should really try harder to get my baby from
I don’t think I can leave. It is
anyway so much easier to stay. I was miserable in
I have nowhere else to go, I have
reached my destination, my long search for the perfect sunny and virtual world,
I have reached my ultimate
destination. I cannot let love stop me, annihilate this dream come true. I just
can’t. It’s over. My simple life in the Valley is what I have been looking for
all my life. My little most expensive studio is just perfect. Not enough money
to finish the month, but who cares? It is paradise.
So much to see, so much to get to
know, standing in the Topanga Canyon is all I need to feel the inspiration
coming in. The thousand different scenarios for the perfect story along
Mmh, the Sun in February, hitting
so hard, the weird way those palm trees grow, the red bugs with some design on
their carapace I observe at lunch time. I even saw an escargot today, this is
just too much for my poor mind. Everything should be dead at the beginning of February,
even I feel alive. Which is a first in my case.
Tomorrow I need to get lost in the
mountains, a lake,
I have never, never, ever, smell
grapefruits and lemons like that before. What the hell are those distribution
companies do to our fruits before they reach the grocery stores worldwide?
Freeze them to death, until no smell or taste remain? I could live on
grapefruits now, I tell you, and I might actually do just that, since the next
Ralphs is one mile away from me.
No need to be idealistic anymore
when you live in
I knew it! Tears for Fears are
British! I knew it! And yet, for a second there I was afraid they were from
Disturbing nonetheless. That
neither Roland or Curt could find success on their own, like Simon and
Garfunkel never repeated their greatest songs on their own. Dear me, am I
linked to Leonardo until I die? Even before we have any of our ideas out there?
Is it possible that sometimes genius only exist when two great minds collide?
But on their own cannot go anywhere? Why is that? Oh God!
Just spoke with Leonardo. He’s
supposed to read the first batch of supposed songs I sent to him. Right now.
And if he is inspired, his instructions are to write music, melody, whatever.
So I started to read what it is
that he is supposed to read now. I had to stop on page 4, I was already crying
more than I thought I could. How sad I have become. Some girl I know would say
I’m a pussy. Somehow this should inspire me quite a poem. Maybe I should get on
with it right now.
7 February 2006 (2)
A writing career is not compatible
with a full time job in the corporate world
It is now the morning, just got up,
it is 7h30. I woke up not knowing where I was, thinking it was Saturday, and
then the reality hit me that it was only Tuesday and I had to go to work for
another four days.
I could not stand the idea, I called
in sick. A four day week is more what I can sustain in my life at the moment,
with all the other projects I am working on, film scripts, blogs, other books I
am writing, that conference business I want to start, etc.
In
I have been working like a dog for
months, five days a week, the longest hours I have ever done, lots of overtime
during the weekends, no holiday over Christmas to speak of. And meeting
Leonardo for one day over the weekend, is like another day of work. So I always
find myself in a situation where I have only one day to decompress and hence I
end up not doing any work on my own projects.
And the thing is, I feel sick
today. It is not the salad that I blamed to the girl I just spoke to at work,
it is those Molson Canadian beers I bought yesterday. I do like the taste, but
it always takes me a while to get use to Canadian beers after a long time
passed without drinking any. I’ve got 24 of those things, not sure how I will
go through them. My stomach better get use to it fast.
So, if I am to lose that much money
today, I better make sure I use my time wisely. I will sleep this morning as
long as I can. I won’t watch any Star Trek or TV, I will either work on my
latest film script or my conference business. I will not be able to use that
excuse that I don’t feel like it because I am too tired, that I’d rather just
die on my bed doing nothing. Tuesday is too close to the weekend for that, I
decompressed on Sunday.
Today I should be fine. Even if I
am sick. God, I’m going back to bed. Perhaps today I should stay in bed all
day, contemplate the ceiling for hours. Maybe read a few Sherlock Holmes
stories. I think I would need a whole week off to decompress from all that I
went through the last few months.
It is so nice to take a day off. I
was awakened by two Mexicans who wanted to test the smoke detector and change
the filters of the air conditioning. Good thing I was here, I don’t like to
have people in my apartment as if this was a hotel. And I would have forgotten
to turn the switch so they could come in in the first place. Though I’m sure
they would have been able to get in anyway, as they did when it was time to
take all my domestic appliances when I switched from fully furnished to semi-furnished
at the end of my first month here.
I am still very tired. I might go
to bed again. It is so nice to have a day off without the guilt. I cannot feel
guilty if I am not getting paid. I feel I have the right to take a day off
whenever I want if I am willing to lose money for it.
Money is not everything, and it is
useless at any rate if you are working all the time and cannot enjoy it. But
yeah, for the first time in my life I took a day off work when I could have
gone in, and I don’t feel any guilt at all. It is a great feeling.
The thing is, sometimes you need a
day off for your own mental or psychological stability. When you are so wired
into all these similar days, and at some point cannot see the end of the
tunnel, a way out. It is a lot of pressure on your mind, and your mind can be
as sick as your body. And a day off is all is required sometimes to calm you
down. Help you continue with this routine the next day. Because you feel you
had a break, you changed your mind.
And it is a wonderful day! If I
were not supposed to be sick, I might consider going for a swim. But it is too
dangerous, my boss’ wife plays tennis here sometimes, she could see me, freak
out and sack me instantly. I would not want that now, would I?
It is now 7h37 pm. I slept all day.
Perhaps I was sick after all, huge headache, surely it cannot be the three
Molson Canadian I drank yesterday. Could it be a lack of sleep? I slept a lot
on Sunday, in fact I did very much then what I did today.
So there you are, I did nothing
today, no writing whatsoever, even if for one minute there I thought I was
going to work on my theoretical physics theories.
This just confirmed what I was
saying, that working full time in conferences is something I cannot mix with
anything else. I can only work my 40 hours, do my overtime when it is needed,
and then forget everything else. Writing is something I cannot even do in my
spare time, because that spare time is spent sleeping and decompressing, if not
getting ready to go back to work the next day.
I hope there will be better times
for my writing career, because it is just about to get back to zero for a
while. Until such time when I can work on it full time. I fear sometimes that
it might never happen. I am killing myself right now over this, my health is
deteriorating. I have headaches, I am a zombie at work, I feel overworked and
stressed. Working on my way out is something I simply don’t have the time for.
And it is sad.
8 February 2006
Should I tell the truth to my boss?
How I really feel?
Time to go back to work. It is 5h39
in the morning. Already I am in a panic state. And I have done nothing in my
full day off apart from writing this blog. It is certainly not my most
interesting entry either. If I had gone to work, crisis might have brought an
interesting entry, but I’m glad that if any crisis was awaiting me yesterday, I
skipped that altogether.
But now, crisis might be what
awaits me. That conference I’m working on is late. I know my boss is counting
the minutes I am working in the office, one day off must bring him to a state
of shear horror. He’ll probably jump on me at the first opportunity and say:
come in the office please. And then I better have a good explanation for not
showing up yesterday.
Should I tell him the truth? That I
just can’t stand the office anymore and the people in it? That I was dead tired
of having him sitting in my back, observing me all day to see if I am working
or not? That the voice of the Director alone was enough for me to throw up
everywhere? And that now I work with the Senior Manager and it is getting worse
because he sits with us, and therefore always knows when I am not working? And
what about your little spy, the Black guy, always, always walking behind me
looking at my computer screen.
Should I tell him that the thought
of going back yesterday was just too much and that I would have preferred
anything else but one more day with them calling everywhere to ask for money? I
had enough! I needed a day off from all this! I needed a day off from you! I could
not face seeing your face again, it’s making me sick. That’s why I took a day
off. And I feel the same today, but I have come, so you should be grateful.
Or else I’ll do like the other girl
did last Friday, leave you at one minute’s notice. In fact she is the one who
has encouraged me to take a day off. If this job is just too much for her,
despite the fact that she was quite strong and intelligent, than it is by no
mean an easy or nice job. And one day off won’t kill anyone, and might prevent
me from reaching the point she reached when she decided just like that, that
she had enough.
And then, I think they hired
another guy, and one good look at him told me that this guy was not right, that
he would never last a day. And he did not. I have not seen him after that. They
are so bad at choosing the right employees. And their main problem, compared
with
I don’t see what they could do to
correct the problem. Choose their employees better I guess for a start. People
who are desperate enough to keep their job, if they have a house, cars, kids,
whatever. Or suffer from discrimination and can’t find a job somewhere else. If
I start my own business one day, I will be facing that exact problem. But I
don’t want to think about that right now. I’ll take a bath, I’ll eat something,
I’ll try not to be late for once, and I’ll go and face the music.
The work day is over now. It is
becoming alarming how I just cannot stand the office anymore, and especially
the Director who now supervises me contacting those sponsors, while he does not
understand that dealing with the speakers and the brochure is already taking a
lot of my time.
I showed a lot of impatience,
especially when he asked me in his office at 30 seconds notice to discuss the
sponsorship situation. Well, I needed to print my files first, and I told him
quite rudely. I had 130 calls to make today, sales cold calling calls, and I
did less than 20, because I had to deal with the speakers first.
He came to me in the afternoon,
three hours later, while there was lunch in between, to ask me how many calls
I’d made. Well, five. He was not happy, and he said: don’t bother calling them,
it is too late now! And then he realized that my calls were not for the East
coast, but the West coast, and he kind of wanted to apologize, and he came
around to speak to Isabella, trying to be nice, and I just left the office for
10 minutes, hoping he would be gone by the time I came back. I think he got the
message loud and clear.
I am beyond caring now. If they
wish to sack me, fine, I don’t care. I am seriously considering letting them
know in exactly 20 days that I am out of here one month later, at the same time
that I will tell the apartment people that I am not renewing my rent at the end
of March.
It is very tempting to leave the
company in 20 days, and remain here for one more month just writing and getting
ready to start my own conference business. At least, when I will make a call to
a potential sponsor, I will get the $7,000 all for myself, to be reinvested in
my future events, my own company.
It is ridiculous, at the moment I
am the producer, the marketer, the salesman, the sponsorship guy, the list
finder, brochure designer, everything! The only thing I am not doing is
emailing the people in the database or finding the contact details of the lists
I find. And emailing the database would only take me a minute, so in the end,
I’m doing everything. I might as well do it for myself.
Well, I don’t know if I could make
more than $60,000 a year if I were to produce my own events, especially in the
first few years, but I think it is worth the risk.
I will lose
In the meantime, I don’t think I
would have understood that I could start my own business without coming to
I am ready to go back to
God, and then it will be to decide
which events to choose from, if I am about to do this for money instead of for
fun. Telecoms? Pharmaceutical? Should I try to identify domains that have not
yet been exploited? That will take forever… a lot of market research indeed.
And every time I would hop into another field, that would mean hours of
research for database building and identifying sponsors. The truth is that I
would feel much safer with a good loan and hiring people to do the dirty work.
But I have to start slowly, doing everything myself, without any loans.
It is not going to be easy with
that financial company overlooking all my money entries and expenses, because
of my bankruptcy. They will have a heart attack when I tell them that I am
leaving my job. They certainly did when I told them I was leaving for
Oh dear, I would need a real
miracle now to prevent me from going back to
11 February 2006
I don’t see the point of writing
anymore
I don’t see the point of writing
this anymore. I left a comment in someone else’s blog, and two feedbacks were
quite negative. I realize that I will never please everyone, not even sure if I
can please anyone with my writings. Have I come to
I know why it took me so long to
start a new book of my poetry kind of things. I did not see the point then, and
now that I have started it, I think I will abandon it. I will most probably
continue to write this blog, but I don’t think I will continue to put it
online. That is how I feel right now, I will make a decision in a few weeks,
perhaps days.
I am not certain if I wish to have
another book published. I certainly don’t want to read critics or stupid
comments about how screwed up I am anymore. It is too destructive and saps all
my small remaining energy and motivation. In fact, I am really struggling to
find a reason to even continue living.
I don’t like this world, I don’t
like the people in it, I don’t like what I have to do to survive, to pay for my
rent and food, I don’t like this life. Leonardo asked me yesterday if I would
lose my wish to die if I were to become rich overnight. Maybe, because then I
could isolate myself completely from everyone else, this world, and I would no
longer have to work 9 to
But then, what would happen when I
sit at my computer? I’m not sure if suddenly I would start liking life. I could
very well be as depressed. Maybe it is time I start considering taking these
pills that would put a plastic smile on my face. Help me pretend that life is
wonderful and love is the glue that links everyone together. I’d rather die.
I am exhausted. Dead tired. I
cannot do anything anymore. I spoke with Stephen today and he agreed that I
should remain one more month in
What is the point of coming to
Sounds improbable, and yet, it
seems to be the only conclusion. Unless something happens before I leave, a
miracle, falling from the sky, since it is unlikely that I will try to meet
anyone or try to sell my ideas and scripts.
Well, now I have met Leonardo, God
knows, maybe that is enough. And I got the determination to start my own
conference company. If any of these projects go ahead in time, then it would
not have been wasted.
However I can’t stop thinking that
there was something more that was supposed to happen to me in
I know I have at least this blog,
but then again, this will not be published. It might end up on my website one
day, when I feel the people concerned are too far away from me in time and
place to affect them or me. Was it worth coming to
14 February 2006
Human nature is so predictable
It is no longer a choice that I
have, how long I will remain in
I am now definitely on the black
list of the Chinese girl, and she really went for it. At this time she is going
around the whole office to tell everyone how bad I have been, and accusatory as
she said. And her voice must be quite strong to have been able to get the sponsorship
guy sacked overnight after six years, despite the fact that he was excellent at
his job. I have no doubt I have not heard the end of this little altercation
between us.
And all I did was to point out that
the sponsor I am trying to sign right now, sponsored one of her conferences,
and unfortunately after all this time their blurb and logo are still not online
on our website. If they find out, they will quickly realize that what they paid
for, we did not do it, and hence, why would they want to sponsor again, or
perhaps they will want a freebee.
My god, the consequences of
pointing out that a logo was not online… if I had known, I would have kept my
mouth shut. Of course, now the Valley Girl is also involved, and took her
defense, when there was no need to. I have no doubt what it is that they will
be talking about at lunch time. How big a monster I am, a threat, and how
quickly I need to be eliminated. Pretty sure that if they don’t verbally come
to a plan to achieve that, it will be implicit and as strong. They will both
work against me from now on, they’ll try to get me sacked.
Unfortunately for them, I am not
working for them, or on their events, even if I am going to
Anyway, they might succeed in
getting me sacked before then, who knows. They don’t waste time. They are so on
edge, they have so much work to do, that the smallest hint that they could be
incompetent brings the war on. And they have ammunitions, yesterday I add more
problems with the Director, even if I can’t remember what it was about.
I have ammunitions too, she is
explosive. I’m not the first one she was rude to, I was not the first one
facing the sack because of her, the same for the Valley Girl. Surely by now the
bosses will understand that they are the problem? Not the rest of the planet?
Somehow I cannot count on that, a superior is always right, never the
assistants or the ones working for the Managers and Directors. The low life
ones, as I am right now from their point of view, are always the ones to go.
I’m surprised that the Hispanic guy
is still working with us, being right under the Chinese girl. It is a tribute
to his qualities, being not threatening at all, very laid back, nice guy, hard
working and, yeah, a yes mam, yes sir type of person, which I’m afraid to say,
I am not.
Let’s see how far she can go with
this, when all I did was to point out that one of the sponsors did not have its
logo and company profile online, and could lead to losing a sponsorship deal.
Somehow I’m sure she will succeed at making quite a story out of this.
I wonder how fast it will happen,
how quickly I will be called in the office. This afternoon? Tomorrow morning?
I’m ready for it, I feel safe about it, I hope she will destroy herself in the
process and free her assistant and any future ones from suffering her temper
and behavior.
There is no denying that she is excellent
at her job, and this is why she won over the sponsorship guy who just could not
stand her anymore and must have exploded at some point, even if no one told me
about it, I only heard some rumors. But eventually, if we have to sack half the
company for those two managers, as it has been so far since I have arrived
three months ago, then being excellent and under pressure is no longer an
excuse.
At the very least, if the bosses
still want them there, they will understand that I am right in this matter, and
she is just continuing her little game of getting everyone sacked as soon as
someone crosses her even for one long minute, which is enough to create a story
as large as a two hour film. And unfortunately, it will certainly not inspire
me a film script. It would be the most common and boring story ever, happening
every day all over corporate
I don’t feel like going back to
work this afternoon, that much is certain. I did not need that stress today.
When she talked to me, accusing me of something that was still unclear, I hurt
terribly. I remained silent. I went back to my seat and understood that I
played with the devil and was now in a terrible situation.
I saw it all before with the
sponsorship guy, I saw him doing the exact same thing after he spoke to her and
she lashed into him. I thought this could not happen to me since I am not
working with her, I was wrong.
Maybe this time around I will get
out of it unscathed. They will all talk about it, feel pity for her, see me as
the big monster, since she is the one going around destroying me, whilst I am
very much passive in all of this. It is not my style to try to get people
sacked for banalities. But the next time around, that’s it, I’m finished. This
is the joy of having a full time job that everyone hates, working with people
who simply just cannot stand each other.
Maybe I am the problem, after all,
I always had trouble with everyone I worked with in the past. That is why I
need to start my own company, it is clear that I am just incapable of bending,
be a yes sir type of person. Shut up and just do my job. Again it is leading me
into trouble, and I feel powerless because it is unlikely I could ever change
my personality.
I’m back from work now. When I left
at lunch time to go back, I was already thinking that I had to apologize to
her, even if really I did not have to. If anything, she is the one who should
apologize to me, I thought. But this is not how it works, you apologize for an
easy life and you do not expect an apology.
The only problem, I was thinking,
is that I was apologizing way too late, she probably already had the time to
destroy me completely in the hour I went for lunch. The damage had been done.
When I arrived at my desk, she was
really active about the sponsors on that particular conference, as if suddenly
she had been told to look into it. Of course, all that meant was she went to
her assistant and told him everything he had to do.
She was kind of close to me while
she spoke to him, and that reminded me of the Director when he felt guilty, and
suddenly was going to Isabella hoping to get me in the conversation and show me
that he could also be nice. So I could still think he was not a bastard about
the fact that he shouted at me that it was too late to call the sponsors now,
when he was wrong.
I was right, she was trying to
speak to me. I was not interested. And for a second there I was wondering if it
would be appropriate to apologize, it could make things worse. I kind of lost
my guts and I thought that perhaps the best way would be to forget all about
it. But not me, I set myself to go and apologize, and I did.
She was creamy and nice. She
apologized herself for over-reacting. I could barely believe my ears. I was not
expecting that. She thanked me for letting her know that this sponsor did not
have its logo online and that I should always tell her in the future if I find
such a problem. She only said that I could have been a bit more discreet and
just come to her and let her know. Fair enough.
I was so amazed, I thought, my god,
the girl is really something to be able just like that to understand that she
was wrong and apologize to me. I’ve been used to people who would suddenly turn
against you and would never give up until you were sacked.
Even the Valley Girl, her
accomplice, who that morning told me quite rudely that I had to book my own
flight to San Francisco at the end of the month, because she did not have the
time since it was too complicated now that I had decided to remain there for
the weekend, changed her mind in the afternoon and decided to book that flight
for me.
Wonderful, these girls have a
conscience. When I left for lunch as soon as I could, 11 am, they noticed and
felt bad. They probably believed I was sulking. And then they took pity and
changed their mind, and decided to be nice for a change.
That was my initial thought. But
I’m not stupid. I know what really happened whilst I was at lunch. They both
got together, they pumped each other against me, they went to see everyone in
the company to let them know how bad I had been, and to get everyone against
me. And when they reached the top management, they were met by a brick wall.
The bosses can only think in terms
of money, and identifying that a sponsor’s logo was not online after weeks,
especially when they were too late to even be in the brochure, means losing a
lot of money. Not only we would have to reimburse them for that conference, but
we would lose the deal on my conference, and God only knows how much money we
would have lost with that company over the years.
In the eyes of any obsessed money
grabbing person in the upper management, I was so right to point it out, they
did not even want to hear her out. They must have told her that she was very
incompetent and should make sure that all her sponsors are looked after. That
is why she was suddenly feeling defeated and was making sure everything was
done when I came back.
And why they were both creamy with
me, must also be because they were told to be. They must have gone in there
asking for my head, and they must have been told that it is their head that
would be on a platter if they did not go back to work and did not realize that
I was damn right to point it out.
Just as I predicted, she has
destroyed herself in the process. This time, I knew they would not listen to
her, even if I was not completely sure. Bosses sometimes can be so
unpredictable and unfair, or blind. Not when it comes to money though. And the
Valley Girl was just a bonus. She is always snooping around and getting mixed up
in all sort of problems, creating them when it is not necessary, and she was
also burnt. And then she became nice.
The way I described all this, you
probably think that I enjoyed all that. It is not true. I had no idea she would
freak out like that when I told her about the missing logo. That she would feel
attacked and try to destroy me in the process. I know she is volatile, I knew she
would be trouble one day, I did not think this would do it. Which means, she
does not need much to go overboard and create a crisis.
And now that I remember it, the
crisis with the salesman, that I thought I had not been told about, I think
never happened. It was not a crisis, it was him responding back to her when she
was freaking out. I was there, and to be honest, almost nothing happened. And
it was enough to get him sacked.
I did not enjoy it, it was more
stress than I needed. And it is far from being over. Now I am definitely on
their black last. I won, but that is all there is to it. Now they will love to
hate me. They will not miss a chance to cause me trouble. I knew from the
beginning that it was inevitable, because I know how they are, and I knew I
would not let myself be walked all over by them.
Less than a minute after I
apologized to her, in hope that it would gain me a few days of peace before the
big war, she was already talking to the Black guy to let him know everything
that had just happened. He too was much nicer after that. He strikes me as a
fair person, but he still must be quite strong. I don’t see him ever coming to
me to tell me something, he will instead tell everything to the bosses and they
will talk to me.
I don’t know if he was on their
side. The fact that the Chinese girl went to him, is because it was to him that
she first told the whole story. She made it sound like it was not only her that
I was accusing of incompetence, but him also, because it was his responsibility
to put that online. And when she told me how angry she was at my behavior, she
also defended the Black guy, saying they were both very busy and could not care
less about me and what I said.
So it is not him who calmed the
girls down. If anything, he is the one who went to report it to the bosses
immediately after she spoke to him. So for a moment there, I’m pretty sure she
was able to get him against me. Until, that is, my apology.
As he is fair, for him it was a
nice conclusion and I think the fact that he was overnice afterwards probably
did not mean that he will hold it against me. I hope I am not wrong here. I
cannot afford to not have him on my side, even if I am trying to avoid him and
hide from him.
What do you think? Do you think my
assessment of all that happen in my back for the hour I went to lunch sounds
like it could very well be what happened? Of course, you would need to have
heard everything they said that was hinting to all that, and I have not here
told you all. I think I am very close to the truth. I have seen that kind of
behavior way too many times in my past jobs to be blind to how far people are
willing to go to get you sacked or destroy you in the eyes of others. This is
human nature.
I can only thank myself for not
being like that. If there is a way to turn my enemies into friends, I will
always choose that way. If I can make sure any problem does not escalate any
further, I will do everything in my power to make it so. And then, I will
always forgive and not hold it against them if I can see they regret and want
to be my friend. In this case, they don’t want to be my friend. They will now
work very hard to make my life hell. Human nature, once again.
And now you understand why I can’t
stand working with people in an office environment, why I can’t stand that job,
it is always like that. Whether you are in
That was only one situation that I
described, many happens like that every day, and each day it is with someone
else. And it does not only happen to me, it happens also between them all the
time. Sometimes it is serious, other times it is not so important, and yet, it
is enough to build a canyon between all of us. To the point that we are now
going to work simply to get paid, and meanwhile we are trying to survive as
long as we can before someone pushes us over the edge. And most of the time we
are powerless to stop it.
Oh God, what will it be tomorrow?
16 February 2006
More tension at work
Tension has been terrible at work
all week. And today was perhaps the worst of all, luckily I was not involved in
any of it. A new guy starts on Monday, perhaps the one who never came back
after his first day, the one I thought was badly chosen. Well, he may be the
one starting on Monday with a salary of $50,000 a year.
He is already dead, I know that
much. I give him one month. Why? Because the Valley Girl was so pissed off
today, she talked about it all day with the Chinese girl. And at the end of
day, she could no longer contain herself and she shouted that not only he is
very young, but on top of it he has no experience, and has the same salary as
her. Even though she will be his boss.
I was amazed she would so openly
state that loud, in front of me (and the Chinese girl), how dissatisfied she
was with that situation. It is clear to me that she will do everything she can
to get rid of him as quickly as possible. And now I believe that the last one,
the one who left two weeks ago because she had enough of the office, might
actually have left because she was under the Valley Girl and she must have made
her life a misery.
The future will tell us if I am
right, it is clear that the newbie won’t last. And then, I have proof that it
would be a direct consequence of what the Valley Girl said today.
And the interesting stuff does not
end there. My boss’ wife came to the Valley Girl, and she said to her that she
had to work him hard, because he was young and inexperienced, and she had to
make sure he would be doing something. Considering his salary, I can
understand.
I could not sleep at night if I had
20 employees with salaries ranging from $30,000 to $60,000 a year, and I
thought that for one second they would not be pulling their weight. Then again,
I had another proof that management plays mind games with us, and she is close
enough to the Valley Girl to let her know: work him to death. Never mind if he
leaves within a month.
There were many other problems
today, of course I was not privy to it. When my boss’ wife left, she said to
the accountant: I hope tomorrow I will find you with a better attitude! Or
perhaps she was talking about someone else in the office, I’m not sure.
I had only one problem yesterday,
with the Senior Manager. He freaked out because I did not stop everything once
his latest brochure needed to be proof-read, and that a few hours later I still
had not read it. So he made a big speech about it for five interminable
minutes, in front of everyone else. I felt very humiliated, and I just said:
OK.
Again, if I had pushed that one,
and if it had gone further, to upper management, as I’m sure he reported me
already, my bosses would have understood that instead of reading his brochure,
I was in fact contacting one last time all my sponsors before my brochure went
to print. Again I would have won. But it never reached that stage, because I
did not argue. I said OK. That was the end of it.
It was the first time he felt the
need to freak out about me. So I cannot really say that he is that terrible. I
did not take it personally, he is a good person. He just felt that it was
important that I read his brochure. Then again, he could have just said so very
nicely, as he usually does when he tells me something that I still don’t know
about the company and how we do things around here.
This panic attack from him
suggested to me that the story was more serious than usual, and had already
been reported to the bosses. And this is how negative stuff goes back to upper
management, and positive things never get reported. And this is how your bosses
get to feel that you are incompetent even when you work your ass off.
But who cares, this week this has
been the least of my problems. I have a bigger one to confront tomorrow. I
should have read my brochure and reported all the changes to be made already.
Unfortunately I did not have the time yet. And I should have worked on that
tonight. But Leonardo came here to pick up the film script and the DVD of the
film I worked on, and hence, I did not do anything. Tomorrow will be again a
big free for all.
I am also very unlucky, because the
woman who did the design of my brochure, she had never done one before. And so
everything is so wrong, it looks nothing like all the other brochures we have.
I had to write 12 pages of comments to try to see how she could make it better,
and I have not even yet fully read the first page! What a waste of time and
money, for each brochure we get designed.
That is why that when I will start
my own company, I will have a template, and I will use it every time, and I will
do all the design of my brochures. And if I have to get my employees to do it,
they will use my template, and it will look nice and it will take no time to
produce those brochures, because I will show them how to do it.
I also noticed today that the two
managers were getting closer to me. The two girls were trying to get me in
their conversation, to include me, to get me to become their friend. Though it
is nice that perhaps I have misjudged them, I had to work on my brochure, so I
could not indulge. And anyway, it looked artificial and forced. So I went to
the toilet, and when I came back they had disappeared.
It may be that, out of what
happened this week, they will respect me a bit more. If it is the case, I am
truly happy and surprised. We’ll have to see what happens in the next weeks to
confirm or deny this new theory.
Oh, I also have to say, that after
reading that brochure of my Senior Manager, I felt revolted. It had no sponsor,
no supporting organizations, and it was so badly written, it was the worst
conference program I had ever read in my entire life. I truly wondered who in
hell would want to attend that conference. I did not say anything, I just
observed and learned.
It is not his fault if the program
is so bad. They don’t expect from him the big events that I am doing. From him they
want as many as possible, as quickly as possible. When they claim that we
produce 50 conferences a year, well, he writes at least half of them, and then
he gets his assistants (which I have also become), to do the rest.
The result is a series of terrible
events that no one will ever want to attend. I would be ashamed to have written
a conference program like that. Considering that English is my second language,
I have assessed that I was writing programs like this 10 years ago, when I
started. No research has been made, I’m not sure if he knows what he is talking
about, and most of his programs are made of bits and pieces of other conference
programs, including his.
The language used, the expressions,
it sounds very much like all the other conferences out there. It is the
vocabulary and style that all newbie needs to learn when they first need to
write a program. They read many agendas, and hop, they write something similar
on a different topic. That is what I am trying to avoid. I want to make it
interesting and more human, less mechanical and boring.
They put me on the worst conference
program of all today. It was also badly written, it had no content, and it
flopped many times the previous years. We still produce it because we have one
main sponsor putting $25,000 on the table every year for it. And I saw the
contract today.
I told the Director, when he asked
me if I had already invited the speakers, that it was the first time I heard
the full title of that event today. And jokingly I said that I guess they were
waiting to have confirmed $100,000 worth of sponsorship on it before finally
giving it to me.
Though I said it as a joke, I think
I made myself clear: don’t expect to have contacted all the potential sponsors
in the database already, and then get me to do all these cold calls to chase
them up. If I am not going to get my bonus for these sponsorship deals, then I
am not going to call any of them. You do it!
I said in his office, innocently:
so I guess I can concentrate on the speakers for that one, I don’t have to
contact sponsors. Within an hour the conference had been cancelled. I guess
they realized that it was a touchy conference. The bonus scheme has not been
implemented yet. I don’t even know if all my hard work with the sponsors on my
actual conference will pay me a dime, since the Director closed all the deals,
even if I had done all the hard work. They appear to have discussed that all
afternoon, in my boss’ office. I guess I did not have to say much to make them
understand how I felt. Good.
I have to say, I never thought for
one second that the conference would be cancelled. Not after seeing a $25,000
contract on my desk. I don’t know what happened there. Things that probably
they have not told me. Obviously the boss did not hear my own suggestions about
this event, otherwise we would be going ahead with that conference now.
I suggested that we should research
the subject, bin the agenda the Senior Manager had written at lunch time, and do
a proper conference with this. With well identified topics. Of course, by
saying that, I was in fact insulting the Senior Manager. So it did not go
anywhere.
Now they want me to produce their
first ever European conference, based on their biggest conference ever they
have in the
Well, I hope he is not expecting
any magic tricks from me, because producing conferences in Europe is like
producing them in the
I will propose to them to do two
conferences at the same time. One in
Think about it. If we start
producing conferences in
I’m afraid I might have left them
by the time the idea even goes anywhere. If they have anything planned for me,
as they led me to believe when they lured me here, I suggest they tell me now
or before the end of next month. Because then, it will be too late.
18 February 2006
More stress at work
So, the conference that I thought
was cancelled, with $25,000 already confirmed in sponsorship, which could reach
$100,000 altogether in the end, despite that no delegate wants to attend, has
just been moved to the autumn. Most probably I won’t be the one working on it,
too much sponsorship involved. And my great conference in
My next project is even more
disheartening than the other two. It is the exact same event I just worked on,
but instead of being for the West coast, it is now for the East coast. And the
agenda is as bad as the previous one. And the sponsors I need to contact, the
ones I have harassed non stop for the last few weeks, are also the same ones.
So I need to go back and harass them all, all over again. It should be a lot of
fun!
Because of that designer who cannot
do her job, poor girl, most likely because she was not trained in the first
place, I will have to work all weekend to write another 20 pages of comments to
make my brochure acceptable. Same for the Valley Girl who is working with the
same designer, her booklet should have been finished last week, and now she
will work all weekend on it. And she made sure she told the whole office that
she will work on it this weekend. How sad.
I also met the Accountant Director
in the elevator, I remembered what the boss’ wife said last night when she
left, about coming the next day with a better attitude. I asked her if she was
OK. She said no. I said: well, I don’t suppose I can ask you why. She said no.
I told her I will ask again in six months and maybe then she will tell me. It
was a weird thing to say, but the answer was worth it. She said that I will
find out much sooner the consequences of all of this.
Now, that is interesting. I don’t
think it has anything to do with me. She either will be sacked as well, or she
is already thinking about leaving the company. Funny, I had first assessed her as
someone I would have trouble with, and for once, I was wrong. She has been
nothing but nice to me, she likes me for some reason.
I would feel bad to see her go. And
I’m pretty sure she is the most competent person we have in that office, she is
a pillar. I’m not sure who could replace her, unless the girl who was helping
her will now be promoted to that position. Somehow I doubt it, they will have
to take someone from outside.
The Senior Manager said something
nice to me last night when he left, and obviously, this time, not in front of
everyone. He was pleased with my work on that conference and confirmed that it
was great to work with people who knew what they were doing, someone with
experience.
Considering that I am about to
start my own conference company, I’m glad he was at least able to see that I
could do the job very well, and that I had experience. I have to say, he might
have not noticed, since I am doing exactly what his assistant with a miserable
salary is doing. They have no clue what I am capable of doing. So far they put
me on confirming speakers and sponsors on someone else’s programs. Great. Anyway,
that’s encouraging, at least.
23 February 2006
Management Consultant My Ass
When I started working for this
conference company in
So I wrote all my reports, a lot of
it has been implemented, but none of the radical changes I suggested were. For
that the company went to real high paid professionals, and now I know they are
all charlatans.
Today we were finally told about
the great changes which are supposed to build teamwork, make the employees
happier and make more money for the bosses. I have to say, I was not prepared
for what I have heard, I was certain my role and incentive report would have a
huge impact on their decisions.
In fact, they decided on the
complete opposite and even went further underground. I have no doubt it will
fail miserably. This is the Dilbert Principle all over again, I think I need to
buy them the book: The Dilbert Principle
: Cubicle's-Eye View of Bosses, Meetings, Management Fads, and Other Workplace
Afflictions, and hope they will read it.
I’m sure that consultant helped
tremendously in defining that book, since he claims to have worked for many
years in his field, with the greatest corporations out there. Well, these
corporations must have been in
Because the only way I will ever
see a bonus, will be if I can keep that job for more than a year. And to be
honest, with a turn over of staff like the one I have observed since I have
started, this bonus scheme will so obviously failed, you would need to be blind
or not want to implement one in the first place, to not see it.
In all, it is all very subjective.
I may get a bonus at the end of the year if my Manager feels like it. Well,
knowing me and my relationships with all my previous managers, I can already
tell you that I won’t get a bonus at the end of the year. So why should I even
try?
All I can hope for is a maximum of
$2,500 before tax, out of a salary of $60,000 before tax. Do you think I will
go out of my way and break my back for $1,250 more after tax at the end of the
year, that my Manager might decide I don’t deserve? Are you joking?
I tried to explain to them that a
quarterly bonus scheme would be a mistake. It needs to be monthly, especially
when over a dozen employees have been sacked or have left since I started. Just
to give you a good picture, this company only has 16 employees right now. No
one will do any effort to make more money. We are too busy wondering about when
we will get the sack, and questioning if perhaps it would not be a good idea to
jump ship before then.
So now, all my hard work at selling
sponsorship deals, and worrying about who would get the bonus, just went out
the window. I am starting a new conference tomorrow, I am supposed to contact
30 potential sponsors. Somehow I think I will forget to call them every day
next week, as I am supposed and expected to do. They can lick my ass, I am much
more motivated in finding the speakers, get the brochure designed and move on
with the next event.
And it gets worse. Not only a huge
percentage of my salary goes into taxes, but on top of it something like $500 a
month goes into health and dental care insurance. Now there are pushing me to
spend another $400 a month on more insurance, because my $500 a month barely
covers anything.
As if that was not enough, they
have finally implemented a new great scheme supposed to make this company more
attractive, that will cost me another God knows how much every month, probably
$400. A pension!
I don’t need a pension for a job
that I am unlikely to keep for more than a few months, if I am not laid off
before I decide to go. I am so crippled with all those social securities that I
need to pay, that anyway being Canadian I will never be able to benefit from,
that I think I will be lucky if I have any money left to survive at the end of
the month.
And to assess if we deserve a bonus
at the end of the year, they implemented a wonderful little process that the
consultant claims invariably makes the employees happier. Appraisals! Quarterly
appraisals!
Apparently communications between
you and your Manager is important, it helps build a bond and teamwork. I say
appraisals are the tools Managers use to get you sack. The Valley Girl will
certainly use it well. They are meetings where they can destroy you and tell
you how incompetent you are, and that you don’t deserve your bonus.
Appraisals not only take a lot of
time in writing reports and all, time that could be better spent producing
events, but on top of it the results are definitely to destroy any remaining relationship
you might have with management. It is painful and it does not help. It is like
officially filed reports about how bad an employee you are, and will definitely
be used against you one day when they no longer require your services. It
de-motivates the employees.
By all means, communication is
important. Meetings to discuss business are important. But not appraisals,
where your Manager ask you how bad you have been, and if you are not honest, he
will tell you how bad you are and how you could increase your productivity.
Simple, the only way I could
increase my productivity would be to tell me: work on your conferences on week
nights and on weekends. This is after all the only way I could work harder,
because I certainly cannot squeeze more in a day of work than I am already
doing. They have me under so much pressure, I am already stressed to death and
work twice harder than I ever did in any other job I had.
The bosses are greedy. They don’t
want to give any bonus, that much is obvious. They will only hurt themselves in
the end, because by not rewarding me on the money I directly bring them from my
extra efforts, I won’t make any extra effort on top of my actual duties to
confirm one more sponsor.
It makes no difference to me if
there are $20,000 or $100,000 in sponsorship on my event, it only means more
work to coordinate all these sponsors and exhibition stands before and at the
event.
For my own company, I will be
willing to lose 15% to 20% in revenue on any sponsorship deal or delegate
people will confirm for me. Otherwise, there won’t be any deal or delegate to
speak of. Of course, this is assuming that they would be mostly commission
based. Otherwise 7% for sure.
And what kills me about this Management
Consultant, is that he came twice, talked with us for one hour, talked with my
bosses for a few hours, made us fill a non-anonymous report about how we felt
(like if we were to tell the truth in there), and then came back with stupid
slides of a PowerPoint presentation that he already had and used in all these
other companies he worked for before.
So in the end, not only he costs a
lot of money, but on top of it he is laughing at us, since it is obvious that
his questionnaire was useless and the talk he had with us was equally useless.
He was not interested in any of it, he just came back with what you could find
in any management book on the market. And only a few excerpts.
I thought I was incompetent as a
Management Consultant, I understand now that I was more than competent. I
actually did something, I wrote a dozen long reports, based on my real
experience in conference companies. The other consultant did not even write a
report, he discussed with the bosses for a few hours. He did not do any research
in our company to try to understand it, and he certainly did not gauge the
pulse of the office with his questionnaire. He was useless.
And yet, it is his recommendations
which will be implemented. And it will take my bosses just a year to understand
the failure of it all. Then they will listen to me, to my reports. So I guess
it was not wasted after all, even if I will be miles away by then on the other
side of the ocean.
In the meantime, I will resume my
role of assistant for the Manager, despite my ten years experience in
conferences at managing teams and whole departments. I won’t do anything to
confirm sponsors and I won’t do any more overtime. They have succeeded in
de-motivating me completely. Complete success!
In the meantime, the Valley Girl is
working hard at getting rid of the new guy. She has repeated today how unhappy
she is with him, how he creates more work for her instead of helping her. And
what she had to say about him for when we will go at her conference next week
in
Things don’t change. That’s one
employee, that new guy, who certainly won’t see any bonus in his lifetime. He
does not even know it yet, how hard the Valley Girl is working at destroying
him.
The funny thing is, he is
ambitious. Listening to him, he wants to become Director within a year. He took
the job because he thought there was place for advancement and promotion. He is
only 22 years old, he never really worked before. You can see the problem.
He still thinks that people keep
their job for life and become Director in no time. We never get the chance, we
are sacked faster than any promotion could ever come. And incentives only create
more work with no real and tangible reward. So in the end, they have the
opposite effect of what they were intended for in the first place.
27 February 2006
I thought after four months in Los
Angeles I was strong and that I got ever the initial crisis of being separated
from my family, which is Stephen in London, my five cats, my three tortoises,
my two snakes and my 2 dozen marine fish, star fish and other weird specimen
including the marvelous Killer Shrimp.
However I had a dream about my cats
last Wednesday night and I drank many beers and half of a huge bottle of
I went to bed at 3h30 am and the
next day I was a real zombie with eyes that were completely swollen. I looked
terrible and everyone notices at work. They must have thought I took weird
drugs the night before, I just said I went to bed late because I was writing.
Which prompted many questions about what it is that I was actually writing, but
I managed to avoid their inquisition, somehow.
I feel better today, I know now
that I will be leaving
Still, I had a productive weekend
for once. I did write a lot in different areas of my playing fields, and I
bought some magazines about scriptwriters, movies and independent films. I
already had a look, I know now where to start to get noticed in
I was thinking about sending one of
my film scripts to these competition, but I changed my mind. They charge $35 to
$65 to enter, I would need to print copies and post it them, and I noticed that
the winners of these competitions do not appear to be selling their scripts
anyway and are trying hard, claiming to have won many awards, to get somewhere.
So it must be some sort of trap for newbie to spend money with no result to
expect in the end.
There is also an interesting
conference in April with a line up of speakers who seem to have succeeded in
I have done nothing but feel guilty
since I have arrived in
I also had another boost this
weekend when a well known magazine in
I have also been contacted by my
publisher to write a preface for the book of another French-Canadian author who
is about to publish. This book has great potential and might be a best-seller
of that publishing company, so writing a preface about it is quite an honor. Second
good news this weekend. It is rare I get any, but sometimes there is a rush
like that which makes it all worthwhile.
I have to work on changing my
attitude, to be more positive, to convince myself that great things will happen
to me in the next few weeks. This is an essential ingredient of actually
succeeding, to change your future for the best. This is how I ended up in
At work I am rushing to send al my
invites today, since it will be my only day in the office this week. They will
give me a mobile phone to contact all these people once I am in
I decided to remain in
However, what am I going to do in
I did not have any trouble at work
recently, which is a nice change, the only puzzling thing is how the Black guy,
who is the third in command, is behaving towards me. He is very tactile, and
over nice. I will put his hand on my back and stroke me. I don’t want to read
too much into this, it is unlikely that he is gay and is trying to show me some
interest. So, how should I interpret this?
I think he learned somewhere that
gay people can have AIDS and that it is hard to catch even if he were to suck
my dick and kiss me like a crazy. So he is trying to show that he is not afraid
of touching me like that, even if I am gay. I don’t know. Perhaps we should
tell him that I am not dying of some weird disease.
It is also possible that he thinks
I am kind of fragile and could react badly to anything he says or do. It would
probably come from he had read so far from my files I was sending to myself,
where I quite clearly freaked out one day and wrote that I could not stand
having him on my back and spying on me all the time. I noticed that he kind of
backed off since then, so he must have been reading my stuff. And now he could
be trying to make amends. To treat me with kids glove. I don’t know and I don’t
care.
I’m back from work now. I came that
close to destroying the Senior Manager today, I might have done. Our nice and
cozy little working relationship might have come to an end today. I could not
remain silent, my name is all over his conference programs, and now I realized
that both conference programs I worked on are completely identical to two other
conference programs of our main competitor in the
So I asked him by email, if it was
wise and if we thought we could get away with copying so obviously our
competitors programs? I got back quite a dry answer, a lot of bollocks,
justification without real arguments. I also told the Valley Girl about it
tonight, while she pent an hour slashing the company and everyone in it, and
God knows how she can get away with it. Which means, in less than a day
everyone will know the Senior Manager has just been stealing programs from our
competitors, and now I understand how he was able to write programs in one
hour. He never needed to do any research. And somehow I believe he has the
blessing of my bosses, and they must know, and they must not care.
I also understand now why we could
not send the program featuring the invited speakers, because then it would have
been obvious we copied our competitors’ agendas. All of this is making me very
uneasy, it is not right. I don’t really want to put my name to any of this.
Heck, I did not even want to put my name to content I thought was bad enough,
and now I discovered it was stolen and everyone knows in the industry. I am
even ashamed to send the agenda to potential speakers and sponsors, I wish I
could write in bold that I did not write the program, I’m just an assistant.
I really don’t know right now if
pointing it out will get me into trouble, I’m sure the Senior Manager is not
pleased with my discovery. He was kind of hiding the brochures or our
competitors, many times I had to ask for them so I could see potential new
speakers and sponsors to invite. He always refused, or ignored me. So he did
try to hide it from me.
The truth is, even if the bosses
did not know about this, if there is one thing you can be certain of, is that
in any company, no one cares about what you do, and no one knows. They would
not read our conference programs, can you imagine them starting to read our
competitors’ brochures? You could get away with it easily. And I’m not sure
where we would stand legally about all this. Usually, if you are to copy
others, you would not make it so obvious. You are definitely asking for trouble
at some point. Not sure how he or we get away with it.
And now I am wondering to which
extent we are simply blindly stealing from our competitors. Maybe this is the
law of capitalism, corporate
At some point today I did not mind
telling him, I needed to know if it was known, if the bosses thought it was
acceptable, if we should really do this. I was ready to resign if that got me
into trouble, because I am an ethical person, I have morals, I have integrity.
And I refuse to get into trouble because I pointed that out. Even if obviously
I am just asking for trouble by denouncing it. I’ll have to continue, try to
wash my hands from this, but it is not going to be easy, I tell you.
I also finally understood today
what the Valley Girl meant by the statement that the people working there were
anti Corporate America. In my mind, where I am working, is corporate
Somehow these Californian hippies,
Greenpeace and all, who hate wearing suits and ties, have convinced themselves
that the hell we are in, is freedom, compared to their past lives in the real
corporate world of America. Well, I guess I cannot judge, since I never worked
for these corporations, my experience is limited to
1 March 2006
Finally, something more tangible
that you can put your teeth into. After four months, and one day at an event,
if I still did not managed to gain the trust of my co-worker, it would mean
that I had been and will remain forever an outcast.
As the Valley Girl said, I am rough
around the edges, but I am still a likable person. I feel she trusts me now, it
would be hard not to, I have been chanting her praises for days now. To gain
her trust, yes, but also because I am beginning to appreciate her for who she
is. A likable person, and I was not lying when I thought she would be a great
actress in one of my future film scripts, at least on paper, if it never goes
to screen.
I don’t understand these Americans
who have been living in
I had some confessions, from the
Valley Girl at least, nothing that interesting to report, even what she
expressively told me not to write about in my book. She asked if she could tell
me something that I could be able to keep for myself, not even talking about my
co-workers, but specifically not talk about in my books.
And yet, it was so insignificant,
even though for her it seems it means a great deal, that I already forgotten
what it is that she told me not to talk about. Some alcoholism in her parents,
they kept her loans that they got for her to study, she did not go to private
schools due to not enough money in a divorced family, can’t remember now, but
there could be drug addiction in there somewhere. Big deal, must be the story
of every family in
There is no denying that me and the
Valley Girl, we share a lot of the same history, tastes, experiences, etc. We
are very much the same, I have to say. We are both neurotic, a professional
conscience which does not match our treatment at work, a bit of a lack of
confidence in ourselves and abilities, when really, we are probably much better
at our jobs than millions of people out there in similar positions. And yet, we
are full of doubts, because we believe the lies of management.
She really opened up to me tonight,
even though we did not have much time, except for three cigarettes outside
after our 16 hours day. I paid her only compliments, and I did everything she
asked. The only freedom I afforded myself, and it was probably my only big
mistake, is that I disappeared many times for 20 minutes into my room, to
freshen up. I’m sure I will hear all about it in the near future, but I’m
sorry, 16 hours straight for me, cannot be done with at least one good hour
spent in my room splashing water over my face and time to myself to think a
bit. I would have my own company, and I would still take that freedom.
Of course, it does not help that
every single time that I disappear, everything goes wrong, that I am not there
to help, and my absence become a crisis to the point that I am being blamed for
the acts of God. Today it was that the minute I got into my room, the
electricity went down, and that means going back to every break out rooms to
make sure the equipment goes back online as soon as the electricity is back.
And just my luck, there was a change in the rooms whilst I was sitting on the
bog, and of course, without me there, they forgot all about it. I was pretty
much the one who kept everything together today, keeping track of time and
everything we had to do. If I disappear, everything goes wrong and I am blamed
for not being there.
And they all passed their little
comment, including the Black Guy, and I had to say: dear me, I did not know
that every second I was not there was accounted for and reported back to the
bosses. Hopefully that will calm them down for doing just that, going back to
the office to say that I was not there every second of each 16 hours day.
I had a lot to say about the hotel.
Everything about it is wrong, not even counting that we have lost electricity
at least four times today and that no one in the whole building was able to
connect to the Internet all day. Think about it, our delegates are the richest
people in the world, most of them have close to one billion dollars to their
name. And yet, this hotel in
I have to be commended for being
able to still lie through my teeth, and pay all sorts of compliments to the
Valley Girl about how she managed the whole thing, despite being drunk at the
end of the cocktail party. No wonder I bonded with the girl to the point that
she shared her own insecurity with me. No small feat, I tell you, to gain the
trust of people who did not like you first hand at the beginning because of
your rough edges.
I did not manage to get many
confessions from the Black guy, except that he is happily married and has two
children. That much I learnt from him. What I learnt from the Valley Girl, is
that he is very religious and has faith in some God or other. Perhaps this is
what I felt when I said that I thought he was a fair person. Not sure though if
he is fulfilling the watch of God himself, hen he spies on us like I never had
anyone spying on me before. It has been difficult, since he has this tendency
to hide in the next room to listen to what we say, and then to report it all
back to the
What else, his father was an
alcoholic, and because of that, he does not drink at all. What does it mean? He
was beaten up? I will never be close enough to him to find out about it. Other
feature, he loves his cheeseburgers and is a private man. He would rather spend
the night in his room alone, order his usual cheeseburger like Elvis Presley,
and… pray I guess. What a great life…
Something is even more disturbing.
It is that when you are in a hotel at a conference, you cannot really tell in
which city or which country you are in. They are all the same, whether you are
in
Life is so simple when you are not
making thousands of dollars for someone else, or a faceless corporation. When
you are not working for making other richer, but work instead at your own
survival. You might get more stress and worries when everything goes wrong,
which invariably happens at conferences, but at least your stress is not about
how your boss will kill you for your own incompetence, when everything happens pretty
much out of your control no matter how carefully you plan your events.
Conference is a heartless job, and
it is certainly not easy. As a proof, none of the people I ever worked with,
could even begin to earn that much money for any other job they could have. No
other job would give you that much of a salary without any proper and adequate
study to back up your competence. It can only mean one thing: we know it is
hell, we know you cannot stand it, but here is three times the salary you would
get somewhere else, please, continue a bit more and hopefully you will get used
to it, or put yourself in such a situation financially, that your only choice
will be to stuck with us for the rest of your life from fears of not being able
to pay your mortgage or your car. They quickly get us by the bollocks, because
of course we spend and live at the level of our salary, we think this will
remain forever, when in truth, it will require quite a change in the standard
of living we have been used to, to lose that job.
If you are close to the $100,000
mark a year than zero, it only means one thing: you’re in hell, you do not
possess your soul anymore, and you do not have happiness. And yet you are
successful and people envy you. Makes no sense. Yes, you do travel around, go
around the world, you do like I did tonight, order enough food to your room for
a party of five, when stress will only let you eat half of what a normal person
would eat. The company pays, why not order for 20 people? We deserve it! Despite
all that, we are all on a diet, and we are all running towards becoming the
fattest people on the planet. Viva
And these conferences make it look
so damn easy. You go to these conferences filled with venture capitalists with
a simple and stupid little idea supposedly able to revolutionize a certain
field somewhere, you ask for a billion dollar hoping there are some private
equity people in the room, you promise a return of investment of 3,000%, you
get your money, and the worse thing is that you actually do deliver on your
lies and hopes. So easy! Give me a billion tomorrow morning, I will turn it
into a trillion within a year. If I can believe all their lies, that is.
Makes you wish you had invented the
next step in the production of efficient computer chips oh wait, no need to
invent it, you just need to invest in it, and it becomes your invention.
Everyone will collect their millions, so everyone is beyond pleased. So easy,
you wonder why we waste our time becoming doctors and lawyers, when really,
this is peanut compared with the wonderful world of finance. You don’t even
need to worry about the Stock Exchange anymore, we all know it was long dead
even before 9/11, it is only bonus that we can now blame it on Osama Bin Laden,
when we all knew it was not making any money to anyone for a long time, as a
system that appeared to have reached the limits of its normal life. Really
makes you wonder who is truly at the source of the destruction of the two
towers, very convenient at any rate. And it only killed 5,000 people, nothing
compared with the 20 millions the
One million deaths is not enough to
get me rich, a billion would make it worthwhile, if I get a dollar for each life,
that is, the true value of life on this planet, one big American dollar. Of
course, it will cost the rest of the people billions of dollars in warlike
stuff, but that is of no consequence to me, as long as I get my billion dollars
in return for a billion deaths that I directly caused. In God we trust, and
don’t you forget it the day I drop a bomb on your head.
2 March 2006
I had such a perfect day yesterday
with the Valley Girl, no mistake whatsoever, we bonded together, she even liked
me. Of course, it took me less than 24 hours to destroy it all.
The last three hours of the
conference have been the most difficult ones of my entire stay in
I just mentioned that the huge
conference we were organizing about financing the Internet was a big risk,
since the dot.com era is over and just about everyone lost their investments.
She exploded, she shouted that she could not believe that I would shit like
that on other people’s idea. I was not sure if it was her idea, though now that
I think of it, it was perhaps obvious that it was. So of course, she spent the
last three hours speaking against me to everyone, I had attacked her on her
softest spot, her competence, once again.
She will go back in the office and
destroy me, and there is noting I can do about it. I’m beyond caring anyway. It
is clear that it was unavoidable. I tried so hard, and yet, I have failed
miserably. It was like, it had to happen, it was destiny. And now that event
will flop completely, and she will blame me for it, because I pointed out the
obvious.
She said I did not know what I was
talking about. Perhaps she does not know that I have been producing conferences
for six years in telecoms and the Internet. However, it is true that it has
been 4 years since I read anything about it. However, somehow, I doubt very
much that any venture capitalist will want to invest millions in any Internet
company, unless somehow they could convince us, as she said, that they will
produce the next eBay or Amazon. And even then, who would be crazy enough to
believe them? I hope it will succeed, even if it would mean that I did not know
what I was talking about. Anything for an easy life.
I am now alone in my room, it is
kind of creepy, and I am dead tired. I cannot even walk anymore, none of us
could after three days like that. Putting together a conference is always a
nightmare, it is going through hell. Every time it is the same story, just have
to survive as unscathed as possible. And hope that once in the office, it will
all be forgotten. What happens at a conference, we had a saying, must remain at
the conference. I did not had the time to tell the Valley Girl that, and
anyway, she is such a gossip, no matter what I could have said, and especially
with the Black guy there, the spy who reports everything to the bosses,
tomorrow morning everyone will know every single stupidity I have said in the
last three days. Not sure how it will be on Monday, when I return. But as I said, I don’t care anymore.
One thing I did like this time
around though, was to think about when these will be my own events. It would be
totally different, it could still be hell, but it would be my own hell. And it
will change everything. It motivated me to go ahead and start that business. I
have also learned there that it has to be something I care about, the content,
the subjects, it cannot be corporate bollocks, or else, I will fall asleep in
the room, and I don’t want that. Well, let’ just say that I did not care much
for what these people had to say, it made me wonder what was the point of
producing a conference like that, if not simply to make money. It should be
more than just that, it has to be something that I truly want to learn about,
my own motivations, a reflection of my own twisted personality, and it still
gives me a lot of ground to maneuver in as I have many interests. We’ll see.
I was very depressed an hour ago, I
bought a bottle of wine for $25, and after one glass I already feel much
better. Sad that I will probably go to bed early, I could have been inspired to
write some more tonight.
Tomorrow I would like to leave
I can’t believe I am in
I wish I could call my baby, I miss
him so much. What I would give to be with him again, and start that business
together. Always remaining at home with our family of animals. He bought a dog
now, a terrier. I told him many times before that if he were to do that, I
would leave him. But now I find it acceptable, because I have left him for over
six months and he suffered a lot as well. I just hope she does not pee and shit
everywhere and does not bark all the time. I could not stand that. Our flat is
so small, and we already have five or six cats, a dog is just too much right
now in that zoo of his.
Surprisingly, his mother was very
pleased with the dog, it means for her that Stephen is definitely not moving to
3 March 2006
Today was the birthday of Stephen,
he is now 46, closer to 50. Soon he will have
good reason not to have sex anymore, he will say that he is impotent or
something, or too old for that. I woke him up when I called, he was sleeping
with four cats and a dog, I guess he does not need me anymore, one of us is
kept warm at night.
I just came back from downtown
There were a lot of pretty girls on
the street, a few good men, and a sense of a big American metropolis. It kind
of filed me with energy, but now that I am back to the hotel near the airport,
I cannot walk anymore (because my shoes that I never wear, and that I was
wearing at the conference, have destroyed the shape of my feet). I wonder how I
will be able to go to
I tried to buy alcohol, but I was
unable to. Just as well, I will go to bed early tonight and I already drank too
much in the last couple of days. I am very pleased with myself, today I wrote a
big chunk of my business plan, even if in the end it will serve no purpose,
since I won’t be able to borrow any money to start my conference business. You
never know, if someone comes out of the woodwork and ask for it, I will have it
ready.
It is unfortunate that I am not
asking for a few millions, I have met just about every venture capitalist in
town at the conference this week. They would not blink twice if they were to
learn that I only need £120,000 to start my business. They would send me on my
way and wish me good luck.
Sad also that I got myself in so
much debts in the last three years in order to try to succeed in films and
television, a field that definitely does not pay at all, filled with
opportunistic people ready to manipulate you until you can bleed no more. I’ve
met a lot of them in Hollywood, the industry has been taking the piss for
years, and the associations to protect the writers and actors does not appear
to be able to help, especially if you are not already a professional with a
high salary, in which case, you cannot even joined them. Makes you wish the
government would come in and regulate that industry, they have been so good at
regulating just about everything else to death when sometimes there was no need
to. Well, not my concern anymore, it is unlikely that I will succeed in
I have three conferences to prepare
in the next two months, one about Paranormal Science, and the other two, I’m
not sure yet. I thought it should be related, but I’m not so sure anymore. My
business plan certainly had the advantage of opening my eyes to the fact that
charging only £100 per attendee, will make it difficult to break even. I might
want to work on other events for which I can at least charge £500 per place. But
then I will have to provide lunch, and it will make it equally difficult to
break even, since these hotels are very good at making money out of you. You
can easily end up with a £50,000 bill just for the venue and lunch for a two
day event. And that is without the marketing and sales budget. Got to be
careful, I cannot fail with this business.
I need to establish a list of all
national organizations and associations and pinpoint which industries have a
lot of them, without having too many conferences on the subject. I also need to
look at any emerging market, whether it is technology or space programs. I
might end up producing events I care nothing about, and keep the ones I do care
about as other events on the side. Who knows, in the end, you can never tell
which will bring the most profit. It is also, I’m afraid to say, a business of
hit and miss, and luck. We’ll see.
And now, as unbelievable as this
might seem, instead of clubbing all night and pick up a good looking fellow in
San Francisco Gay Village, at midnight I am actually going to bed. Tomorrow I
will be visiting Alcatraz, even though I cannot tell exactly why I want to see
that old prison, except that it was reported as haunted, and somehow that will
probably not be the trip to learn much about it.
4 March 2006
It looks like I will never visit
I went at the end of the pier,
looking at
I met a man who was one of the last
prisoner in
So I finally decided to take one of
these cable carts to go to Castro, the gay village. No cable cart came though,
and I had to take a normal bus with a driver who obviously was unable to drive
a bus, we almost all died in there.
It was the second time I went to
the village in
5 March 2006
This trip has been a real disaster.
Did not see
So I am stuck at the airport
waiting all day for my flight. Two hours and a half more, I just had a big and
disgusting pizza with French fries, two Sprite from leftovers of the
conference, and now a large Mocha Coffee which cost me $5, the most expensive
coffee I ever had in my entire life.
Well, actually, I’m pretty sure the
conversion from pounds to dollars makes it one of the cheapest coffee I have
ever bought in recent years, however, it seemed expensive after the $333 I
spent at the hotel when I checked out. And that is nothing, I have more money
to give back to the company, for I what I did not spend of the $350 they gave
me. So in all this little trip will have cost me close to $600, and all I did
was to go downtown and walk around. This is so sad… and now I just don’t know
how I will survive until the rest of the month.
Perhaps I should finally start a
diet, but the problem is that Atkins is an expensive diet, not a cheap one. I
have to buy low-carb products and they cost a fortune. Maybe I should stop
drinking and smoking, I would save a lot of money that way. I might have to once
I have calculated my budget.
Leonardo is going to be waiting for
me at the airport in
I immediately assumed it was that
he spoke with his actor/producer friend and that after reading our script, he
is so impressed, he wants to meet us. But when I asked him if he spoke to him,
he said that he left a message, and was supposed to call him back the next day,
blah blah blah… I’ve heard that before, too many times. So the actor/producer
friend is no more interested than he was months ago. It is also probable that
he never read anything that we sent him. Not sure if he watched the DVD of the
film I worked on, which cost me a real fortune to order from the
So I guess his great news can only
be one thing: he wrote two more pages of the film script, or the book as he now
calls it. If that is his good news, it will be really disappointing indeed. I
can’t see what else it could be, unless he actually write four pages instead of
two. I guess that would be better, and yet, very disappointing. He had a full
week, I could have written the whole thing in that full week. Never mind.
Funny that you could be there at
work and at home everyday for months, and nothing ever changes. But as soon as
you disappear for a week or two, as if the people behind the scene were waiting
for you to get out to change the decors, everything changes. It is also true
that every time I said this out loud, after leaving for more than week, I came
back to everything being the same.
I hope somehow everything has
changed at work, just so it is not so boring, back to routine, etc. I’m not
certain yet in how much trouble I am in and if I will be called into the office
as a result of the Valley Girl destroying me because I dared to “shit all over
her great idea” which cannot fail to flop miserably. I don’t think she has much
ammunition, but with this kind of woman, you never know what she could invent
or lie about to get you into trouble.
She did when she got rid of that
temp we had for a day, saying that he could not use Excel, when it was pretty
obvious that he could. And since on hearing this my boss said she would not pay
for a temp who worked all day, if he did not know how to use Excel, the Valley
Girl had to push her lies further to convince the agency that the guy was
really not adequate, and they would not pay anything for his work that day.
The guy was competent, he knew how
to use Excel, I think there was a clash of personality between him and the Valley
Girl, and now I’m sure he is no longer working for that agency, and that he was
not paid anything for that day of work which must have been a misery, cold
calling people all day. God knows what he did after that, if he got into
trouble for being unable to pay for his flat, etc.
So, never underestimate the Valley
Girl, if she wants me out of there, she will succeed as she has no morale or
ethic. And I am not even sure if she does it all consciously. I think she gets
to a point where she can convince herself of just about anything in order to
look better and remain in total control.
Must be some sort of survival
instinct, which makes her annihilate the smallest threat to her own person or
her work. And then she goes in a higher gear, she does not think anymore, she
lies through her teeth, and once it is over, she simply forget it all and goes
back to her wonderful little husband, to live another safe day. She will not be
sacked this week, she is still worth something, she still deserves him.
So I was a bit worried when I had
to take a place and pass the security. At least they are not asking for my
passport, just my Californian driving license. But they are coming up with new
machines everyday to check out if you are telling the truth or not, or if you
are lying or not.
Hen I tried to pass, the woman must
have identified me as some weird one, because she said: this one does not need
to take his shoes off (thank God I thought), he will instead be used as our lab
rat to test our new air machine (what?). What is an air machine?
When I came face to face wit the
Air machine that I was to test, it felt like a suicide booth from the original
Star Trek. The security guy must have read on my face that I was not willing to
die just because Bush had become paranoid and that he would not hesitate to use
new machines capable of reading our minds even if they kill you of radiation or
cancer after only three uses.
He said that it was just air, seems
harmless enough. It blows air on you quite powerfully and then it goes up in
the machine and it can smell you. Not sure what it is supposed to smell,
whether it is explosive, chemicals or drugs. I am just a bit worried for
Stephen, that if these machines can now detect drugs better than dogs, then
he’s really going to have to stop, because he will not be able to get away with
it any longer. We all knew that technology would one day bring the Big Brother
state to a perfection, and now we simply cannot get away with anything, we have
absolutely no more freedom. I guess we are lucky that it was not so for so many
years. Our children won’t have it easy, none of them will ever know what
freedom or privacy meant. And these security people in the
Oh God, I am so unlucky, somehow
every time I take plane, something goes wrong and it is either very late or
cancelled. Is it that planes are that unreliable and it is always like that? Or
is it just that I am unlucky every time? It rains a bit, so as usual the whole
State came to a stand still. I would not want to see them deal with snow storms
like in
Leonardo is coming to pick me up at
7 March 2006
It was a hard day today. It still
is, it is 2 am, I am finishing my laundry in an hour, and I still have to go
through my old CDs and DVDs to find information about printers and mailing
house, and costs, that I have used in the past in
I asked my boss’ wife if I could
leave one hour early to find this information (since obviously it would take me
all night), but she ignored my message, so the answer was clear: work one more
hour, search all night.
I have been debating if I should or
not, I have such a headache. I guess I have to, no choice. And now, can you
believe, I feel guilt for having asked to leave an hour earlier, I feel like I
am a bad employee looking for any reason to leave early, when I worked until 4
am the day before we left for San Francisco, and the conference itself was days
of 16 hours.
More guilt because I did not work
on my conference today, instead I wrote another report about how to produce conferences
in
I don’t know what the Valley Girl
told them about my behavior and work in
Even I can recognize when someone
works hard and I will go out of my way to thank them for what they did, even if
it is not directly for me. It seems to me that it is the first law of any boss,
being capable of freaking out when something is not done, all right, but also
be able to recognize hard work as well.
I am in limbo, I don’t know where I
stand, I never know if I still have my job in the morning when I get there.
This is not a way to live. I won’t feel guilty when I leave them. God I am
tired.
And just to make everything
perfect, I am now being sued by an agency in France who claims that what a few
lines some people wrote about them in one of my forums is defamation. Great! No
more freedom of speech either.
7 March 2006 – 7 pm
We received today, everyone
in the office, an astonishing story about a donkey getting out of a well that a
farmer was trying to bury in there because the donkey was now too old. At the
end it said:
“The donkey later came back
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got
infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. When you
do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite
you.”
This came from the Admin Director,
or Accountant, or whatever it is she is. She is the woman I talked about
before, the one who in the elevator said that I would soon know why she was
angry, the one that my wife’s boss said she wanted to find the next day with a
better attitude.
Well, as it turns out, she has a
death wish. She has crossed the line today, even I could see that. Either she
has already been sacked and she does not care anymore, or else, she’s beyond
caring and then, they will have to get rid of her.
She is cracking, she’s the one I
thought was the most secure. The one in charge and frightening people in doing
their job. She’s got too much to do, she has been working too much overtime,
she has a young daughter that she never sees. When she requested an assistant,
my boss said: why should I get her an assistant, if she is willing to do all
the overtime possible? That was reported all around the office by the Valley
Girl who was within hearing distance when he said it. She is the trouble maker,
and now she will cost the job of the best employee of the office.
Not only because of that email,
which is directly a personal attack on my bosses, but because tonight when she
left the building earlier than usual, the Valley Girl said: congratulation!
When I asked why? The Admin Director sworn and freaked out completely. Neither
the Valley Girl nor I understood what she said, her face was deformed with
anger. We heard the “fucking” though, and that is enough for the Valley Girl.
Tomorrow she will have a field day telling everyone, and that will be the last
nail in the coffin for the Director. I would not be surprised if she were to be
gone by the end of the day tomorrow.
The most horrifying part of this
story, is how the Valley Girl was the confident of the Admin Director. How she
trusted her by telling her all her problems, and how the Valley Girl seemed to
be a nice good friend in this office, when in fact, she is the biggest gossip
around and strive on highly negative things until everything crumbles around
us.
Today at work it was a game between
her and I, of rebuilding after the war. She tried to be nice, I tried to be
nice, so we can pretend that we love each other and the problems in
In the meantime today she managed
to pick up a fight with the Chinese Girl. I’m not one to enjoy when everything
goes wrong at the office, but this is a relationship that I don’t like very
much, because together they are very destructive.
The fight was again something very
stupid. The Chinese girl is the only person in the office who actually recycles.
She fills her bin up, she brings it home to recycle at a later time. The Valley
Girl does not recycle, she said it costs much more in money and pollution to
recycle than produce new stuff (god knows where she read that, I thought of
asking, but I realized that I would be up for another big fight and I would
have been too easy a target at this fragile moment).
She also said that she loves her
dog, but if a bill of $500 comes in to save it, the dog will die, because she
won’t pay for that. I stopped myself from saying at this point that we just
spent £1200 on one of our cats who seems to have been run over by car. I guess this dog business is another
argument they had today.
Which again attacks her integrity
as a person, it could be construed as her being a bad person in a world of
perfection that we live in at work, with half the office being hippies who want
to save the world, working in the corporate world and fighting to get their
sponsorship bonuses. There is no contradiction here, might I remind you. You may
still want to save the planet, and yet, you are still part of that system, you
have to live, and so, it is not possible to be green in a world full of shit.
9 March 2006
I don’t think I could sink lower in
my career than I did today. The most embarrassing moment of my entire life. I
was called in the office, mind you, I was expecting it since the Valley Girl
and the Chinese Girl have been working so hard to get me sacked, no matter how
nice I’m trying to be with them, and how hypocrite I am. I just did not know
the angle they were going to use against me, I found out today, and I don’t
think my bosses told me about all the complaints against me, because frankly,
the girls did not have much against me to begin with. However I have to give
them credit, they have more imagination than I thought.
I was told by both my bosses today
that they had received many complaints against me, and that there are people
who are not comfortable with the fact that I am gay. So I have to shut up on
that subject, to not talk about my sexuality at work.
They named one person who obviously
complained louder than the others, the Cool Spanish Guy who was still asking at
the beginning of the week excitedly if I was going to speak about him in my
next book. Yes Sir, but no longer as the Cool Spanish Guy, but as the biggest
backstabber and hypocrite I have ever known.
There is not even one hour that
does not pass without him making a joke about my homosexuality and even his.
And suddenly he goes to my bosses to officially complain that he is not
comfortable with my sexuality? It is pure bollocks. The girls made him do it,
they convinced him to go and complain. And he is too young and too stupid to
have realized that he could have just come to me and told me in private.
He officially complained about me,
in effect destroying me in the eyes of my bosses, and seriously compromising my
position in this company. This is first class backstabbing. What the girls were
unable to do without good arguments against me, other than just see me as a
threat and not liking it, they were able to achieve with him.
There is no doubt that I would have
been sacked today, if not for the fact that I am working so damn hard and my
reports are highly appreciated. So the girls have failed again. But they
haven’t. I can no longer go in that office and be nice to them. I can no longer
talk to any of them. Many people complained about me, and in all honesty I
don’t know who, it could have been anyone or all of them. Which means I cannot
speak to any of them anymore. What a miserable life I can now expect in this
job.
And they all knew what they did,
they have been quiet in the last two days. Isabella even told me yesterday, and
I was surprised as it seemed to come out of nowhere, that she would never
complain against me. In retrospect, I understand that she knew about it, she
knew it was coming. And since usually she is not in the loop of any gossip in
that office, I can only assume that the whole office knew and were expecting
that I would be laid off.
Now the most difficult will be to
appear professional, not to be sulking in my corner, and yet avoid all their
conversations and jokes about me that appear to be coming my way every hour.
And yet you don’t see me complain. From their standard, if I had kept a record
of everything they said to me in the last four months, I would have enough to
claim harassment on the basis of my sexual orientation and sue their ass off.
And that is without what I heard today, that I had to stop talking about my
sexuality at work, when to be honest, I barely talk about it, they are obsessed
with it and talk about it all the time. Something that I will have to make
understand that is no longer acceptable. It is going to be difficult to make
them understand that I cannot be part of any of their little jokes anymore and
can no longer just chat with them for the heck of it. Many people complained
about me, I think this is justification enough. And somehow I will need to make
them understand to leave me alone without being direct. Because what I feel
like telling the Valley Girl when she is coming to me all nice, is: you fucking
bitch, don’t pretend to be nice and be my friend, when I know very well that
you are a fucking big backstabber and tried to get me sacked. Well bitch, it
did not work, and I am not about to give you anymore arguments to continue your
little dangerous game. So just leave me alone, pretend I don’t exist, and
everything might be fine.
And what I feel like telling the
Fucking Spanish guy, next time he attacks me jokingly in the office, would go
like this: I am deeply insulted by what you just said, let me go to the bosses
to make an official complaint. Hopefully after three complaints, you will
disappear from my life forever. Don’t try to be cool and everything, it just
does not suit you. Because what you did the other day to me, pretending that
you were all fragile to the bosses and that I hurt your little feelings when
this is what you do all day to all of us, just does not qualify as cool. You’re
an idiot who cannot understand anything about life, and now you will the
consequences, because I am certainly not going to talk to you ever again. And
you will feel that this is heavy. I cannot forgive you, and I will not forget.
Funny, my bosses spent a long time
chanting my praises in the office before dropping the bomb. They said that they
were highly satisfied with my performance, they know now that I am capable,
they want to give me more responsibility, they have big plans for me, and they
asked me if I was ready for it. I said yes, of course.
I don’t have the slightest idea
what they were talking about, what these big plans for me actually means, but
if I ever become the boss of the little morons around me who see me now as the
little assistant with no power whatsoever, they will have a hard time, because
I know them all too well. Nothing will work with me, and I will never take them
seriously. If I can, I’ll get them all sacked, since obviously this is what
they have been trying to do to me recently. I can play that game too, you’ll
see. Bastards.
No more Mr. Nice. Because this is
all I have ever been. Nice to all of them, joke with them, help them when they
needed it, save them when they were in trouble, never complained about
anything, pretending that everything is perfect, like I did again today in the
office of my bosses. I am happy, everything is fine, we’re working hard and it
is producing results.
I even praised the Senior Manager,
when they put him down in front of me today in the office. They kind of
suggested that he was babbling a lot, talking a lot, wasting a lot of time. And
now I understand why his speech impediment went from bad to worse in the last
few days.
He seemed to be talking fine four
months ago, but now he is no longer. He can’t speak anymore, he is searching
for his words, he repeats them all the time, he is even unable to look at me in
the eyes. It is weird, I was wondering what was going on with him.
Perhaps it is guilt because he too
might have complained against me. However it is unlikely, there is no way my
bosses would be praising me right now if he had destroyed me in their eyes. He
has trouble of his own, maybe he is facing the sack himself. What my bosses
told me about him today, which I thought was completely unjustified, tells me a
lot about the trouble he is in. And I don’t even care to find out who has backstabbed
him, the whole office no doubt, starting with the director.
I may be also indirectly
responsible for his downfall. My conference is the only Energy conference to
have reached over $20,000 in sponsorship, and that is without the consideration
that I confirmed five supporting organizations, which means a great deal in
terms of marketing. None of his conference ever had one sponsor or one
supporting organization, and it is clear that he must have told them that in
the Energy area, that was not exactly popular. And now they must know he was
bullshitting.
I am truly sorry if I have caused
this. I heard the Valley Girl say about him that none of his conference had any
sponsor, that his events were all crap. So at the root of his troubles, must
again be the Valley Girl. I wish I could just go back in this office and tell
my bosses: get rid of her. Or she will bring you down to your knees, she will
destroy everything in her path until none of us can stand each other. She is a
rotten apple causing trouble just for the heck of it. Can’t you see it? How can
you be so blind?
And I hear her say again at the
conference in
I will not resist however doing a
little speech next time they unanimously attack me, especially on the fact that
I am gay. I will have to say that many of you complained about me to the bosses
and that I was surprised I had not been sacked. That I now need to be
professional, and I can no longer get involved in their discussions. So please
ignore me, leave me alone, I have work to do. It will shut them up, it will be
embarrassing to them, however I fear it will not in the slightest make them
feel guilty. If anything they will spend the rest of the day talking about me
in my back. Because so is their nature. I guess I can only blame myself for
having got involved in their little jokes, that now they are blaming on me, as
if I was the instigator of all that crap, when I never was. What a bunch of
hypocrites.
I thought I had seen it all, in my
years working in conferences, but I was deeply mistaken. They are masters of
childish mind games and behaviors, the least professional people I have ever
worked with in my career. Why should I be surprised? We’re in
Oh well, one more argument to
justify my soon to happen disappearance. I still have no idea what these big
plans my bosses have for me really means, but I doubt now that I will find out
before I tell them that it is game over. I have to say, for the first time
today they truly made an effort to tell me they appreciated me, which is a
first. Unfortunately it comes too late. And all I was able to say, stupid as I
am, is that I understood that if they were not talking to me, it meant that
everything was fine. What they understood by that, and I did not mean to
suggest it, was that every time they called me in the office was to tell me how
dissatisfied they were with me, and to threaten me somehow. And even today was
not exactly wonderful. I had to go walk outside to take in what I just heard.
The injustice of what the Spanish guy dropped on me. If anything, everyone in
the office could have made an official complaint against him for much worse
that his own complaint against me. And I did not fail to mention it to my
bosses. I don’t think it sank in though, despite the liberties that the Spanish
guy takes, he is still very much appreciated in that office. I would have loved
to hear his complaint against me, since it seems so out of character for him. It
is like if the biggest bastard ever, that everyone knew was the biggest bastard
ever, came into the bosses’ office one day to complain that the little Chinese
girl who never says anything in her little corner, who is so sweet, is the
biggest bastard of all.
I will appear to them as a
destroyed man in the next few days. They have no idea how strong I am, as an observer
of the corporate world, denouncing them back here. They have no idea how much
shit I’ve gone through in my career and how I never cared enough for any job to
let all these mind games get to me. If anything, I feel stronger now. They have
confirmed everything I thought about them, that I predicted would happen.
You might think that I am asking
for all of this, that my own behavior must be inviting these complaints. I
assure you, I am nothing but nice and helpful at work. I work very hard and
never cause any problem when there is no need to. I do not deserve any of what
just happened, and as a proof I am not the only one who suffers. They are all
facing the sack themselves because they are all backstabbing each other on a
regular basis everyday. You only have my side of the story, I’m sure however
that I am in much less trouble than everyone else working there. They have all
destroyed each other, and I wonder what my bosses feel like when they go back
home and think about it at night. They must be laughing real hard, at how
stupid we all are, fighting to prove that we are better than the next one and
deserve some sort of promotion and more money, while everyone else should be
sacked. I hope so anyway, because if they are losing sleep over this, it would
mean than no one on this planet will ever find peace or happiness.
10 March 2006
For me March has always been
terrible month, and I always thought, especially in
I would have thought that in
After I learnt about the complaints
against me yesterday, today I have not said one word in the office, except when
it was about business, and I kept it to a minimum. The backstabber Spanish guy
has not looked at me once, and did not talk to me. So he knows what happened.
Even the Valley Girl did not talk too much to me, but she is quite the bitch,
she hurts in your back, indirectly, so she cannot be blamed, and then she goes
back to you and she wants to hear how fed up you are and how much you suffer.
Good thing she did not speak to me,
I could have exploded in her face, and tell her: don’t be hypocrite, you know
very well that all that is happening right now is your fault, that you
complained against me too, don’t pretend to be nice and to be my friend.
The Spanish guy might feel guilt
now, I don’t know. He was getting ready for his conference for next week, he
won’t be there until Wednesday or Thursday. Thank god. So he was under a lot of
stress, he had a lot to do, and he was in a bad mood. Could have been the
conference, could also have been the fact that the Chinese girl was not there
today, one day before going to her own event. So it left the Spanish guy in the
shit.
The real disappointment was for Isabella,
as speaking Spanish too, she loves the Spanish guy, and she really likes me
too. That he could have done that to me, is beyond comprehension to both of us,
as it is certainly out of character, especially for someone who has crossed the
line on a regular basis with everyone in the office. I could myself have
complained against him so many times, of course I would never. I would first
speak to him, before denouncing him officially and get him into trouble. That
is more like a murder, a simple elimination of people you don’t like at work.
You do that when you want to get rid of them. That’s why it was so surprising
coming from him. If it had been that easy to get rid of me, he would definitely
have been next, since anyone right now could complain against him, and I’m
surprised nobody did, yet.
And now, if you thought these were
real problems, wait until I tell you about the ones of Stephen in
He brought his new dog in a cage in
a car he was delivering, he needed to go to the vet and it was well after
working hours, and the customer complained. Stephen has now been suspended
pending an investigation and a disciplinary meeting. So basically he has lost
his job. The ten others have all been sacked on technicalities, and for much
worse than having his dog in the car of a customer.
And then, even if he had not lost his
job on that one, he was caught going too fast by a policewoman the very same
day. He already has 12 points on his license, he barely escaped losing his
driving license six months ago for speed again. So he will anyway lose his
driving license now, and therefore would have had to quit his job as a driver.
So now, there is no money getting in. He is in deep trouble, and of course,
that means I am also in deep trouble. It all happened on the same day,
yesterday. The stars must have been badly placed for sure.
Crisis situations demand radical
decisions. Now my conference business has become a necessity, and I need to
start it as soon as possible. Which means I need to go back to
None of us know exactly how we will
pay our £1,500 a month we need to pay our bills, it would have been nice to
have saved a bit for the rainy days ahead, but in this kind of society we’re
living in, this is just not possible. I could also resume my old job back in
This is an opportunity, we need to
seize it. The only obstacle is no money whatsoever to start a new business, and
none to be expected, and of course, his parents. They will have a heart attack,
and they will not let Stephen borrow on his mortgage. Even a little bit so we
can survive three months, so we can start this business and make money.
The other problem of course is my
financial situation, the company controlling my life right now, this so-called
bankruptcy. It will be difficult to let them know that I left my job and that I
intend to start a new business, not even in my name, but in the name of
Stephen, so in effect I would only be an employee, a badly paid one at that.
Not sure how they will react to that, I really don’t know what to expect.
And the worst thing now is the
wait. To find out if Stephen has really lost his job, but never mind, he will
anyway lose his driver license. So it is un fait accompli, and yet, we need to
wait before making rash decisions or moving too fast. He has not told his mom
yet… and instead of helping him with the new business, she said in the past
that she would actually disinherit him. So it should be a lot of fun.
All of this might lead to a greater
good, but at this time, it is very hard to conceptualize. These are difficult
times and I am not sure how we will get out of it. For now I should just try to
decompress from this week of hell. I have two days to get back on my feet
before another week of hell. And I even have to work on my conference this
weekend. I have been given two days to finish it, when it would take another
two weeks. Great! Wonderful! Especially when I could instead be working on my
own business.
13 March 2006
I found it hard today at work.
Continuing my silence policy, concentrating on my job, and not going anywhere
fast with this conference. I worked all night yesterday on it, on a Sunday, and
today I am reaping the reward as I confirmed many more people. However I still
have only one sponsor that I did not find, and only two supporting
organizations (though this is the fault of my Senior Manager who does not want
to give 15% discount to the whole planet, so he kinds of tell me to not invite
them, and I think it is crazy).
This morning the Valley Girl dared
ask me how my weekend was, after the week from hell I had last week, most
likely of her. I said: fine. And then she left. So I went to Isabella, and said
very low that she was such a hypocrite. And then I think the Chinese Girl heard
me, and she immediately left, and they talked somewhere outside the office for
over 20 minutes before coming back in. I have no doubt now that this is war and
that I am not likely to win it, since I cannot just go and gossip to my bosses
against them, when it is obviously their favorite past time.
I don’t feel like going back there,
I am much more productive working from home, in that kind of state of mind I am
in. I doubt my bosses would let me work from home though. I can’t stand anyone
at the moment at work, hearing their voices is simply making me lose my hard on
for anything. I walk like a ghost without energy, ready to explode if anyone
even dare speaking to me. I don’t know where this is leading, I don’t want to
find out!
I have now returned from work.
Gosh, this was another hard day, not because I had to suffer any bullshit, in
fact the Valley Girl did not speak to me for the rest of the day, but because I
am working so hard on this conference, and thankfully today I have achieved a
miracle. I confirmed over 12 more panelists and the Senior Manager was
impressed. If I had not worked last night from home, God only knows that today
I would have been called in the office so they could have told me how
incompetent I am. Conferences, as I always said, is just a string of miracles.
This is what is required to succeed in the allocated time.
I have been thinking about my forum
a lot recently, the one on one of my French websites. After that agency wanted
to sue me, and after my forum went offline for god knows how long, I went back
to read a bit what all those people are saying in there. After all, if I am
responsible for everything they write, that I will be the one being sued and
pay the price, I might as well keep an eye on what they are saying. I just
understood that my whole website could go offline instantly overnight if one
innocent person, without thinking, states something like: that company is
stealing from its customers. It could be quite true, and yet, I would have to
prove it myself in a court of law once they decide to sue me for defamation.
Something I don’t particularly wish to spend time and money in. So I censored
my forum, I got rid of the supposed defamation, and now I am not certain if I
feel better.
What made me feel better however is
to understand how popular that forum is. Thousands of people are on there on my
website every day writing about literature, science fiction, etc. I also
discovered that it was packed with writers, published ones, and many teachers
and professors. I have an army there waiting to be exploited, I should have
taken advantage of them a long time ago, instead of just letting them causing
trouble and discussing between them without interfering or even participating.
I hate forums, you see, even my own.
When I was about to leave for work
at lunch time, I was full of energy, I was ready to write a new novel, my first
one in English. I could have worked on it all afternoon, and then, after it is
started, I always finish it. But now, I am so dead, the thought of even
starting it is far from my mind. And therefore, it will probably take me
another year before I feel like beginning again. Perhaps never.
Sometimes you get a moment of
clarity, and if you do not act upon it immediately, it is gone forever.
However, in this case, it might not disappear so quickly from my mind. Because
the story is already pretty much all written already, the synopsis at the very
least.
After reading all the books by Dan
Brown, I was thinking that it was time I started to write a sci-fi novel in
English. My first tentative for a novel in English was not that great, and I
have never finished it. My English in those days was terrible, and I never
really planned to make it good.
I’m not sure if my English is good
enough today, I even considered writing this book in French. However, it is so
unlikely to be published, and even if it was, I would sell so little copies and
make so little money, that writing in French would be a big waste of time.
So I was wondering what great story
I could come up with for my novel. I was thinking about Dan Brown and Arthur C.
Clarke, and how much research they had to do to write their books, flying
somewhere to make sure they described something the way it really is, etc. And
then I realized that I have no time to read on any subject to come up with the
perfect novel and idea. Thankfully I have already gone everywhere in Europe and
in
And then I thought, well, you have
how many synopses on your website for film scripts? Surely there is a good idea
in there? Yeah, they are all good ideas, I don’t want to waste my time on the
wrong idea. I already did when I wrote the whole film script for Déjà Vu, funny
enough the synopsis was great enough to attract six production companies, but
once they read the script itself, they all walked away. Is it because the
moment was gone, they had found something else to produce in the two months it
took me to write it? Was the script so different from the synopsis? I will
never know, but I don’t want to waste any time anymore with the wrong story.
And then I thought, why not write
short stories, from all the synopses I have? Sounds great, best idea so far,
and then again, something was not right with this idea. Short stories? When
have you heard of the latest best-sellers being a bunch of short stories? I
never. So it is not quite what I need.
And then it hit me, and I thought
of it before, but forgotten it as soon as I thought of it. Took me months to
thin about it again, and then, this time, I am writing it down before my actual
conference makes me forget again.
Many of my synopses are about
paranormal phenomena, it struck me that they could all be linked together in a
novel, if somehow the main character was always the same person. And then the
title struck me as well: The Most Psychic Woman Alive!
She just turned 100 years old a few
days ago, and decided it was time she came out of the closet (oh yeah, she’s a
lesbian after all). But coming out of the closet is more about finally telling
to the world the kind of life she had to keep a secret. That she was so psychic
and such weird things happened to her in her lifetime. She was never really
happy anyway, and always moved from country to country until she hoped to
finally find peace. Reminds you of someone?
I still don’t know if I should
write as if she is talking herself, or if I should have a narrator outside of
her. It is a big decision, because if she speaks in the first person, nothing
can ever happen outside of her, it will always be from her own point of view. I
think I prefer that anyway. And the fact that I am a man (or so I think
anyway), and she is a woman, it is obviously a novel.
I am all excited again, I wish I
could take a year off to write it, that’s not going to happen. I’m not Dan
Brown, even with my 25 books already written and my six published, my seventh
soon. Makes no difference in French, I’m afraid.
Another big advantage of having so
much stock to write a book, that each chapter is filled with a totally new
story and characters, is that I won’t be wasting 50 pages, like in Dan Brown’s
book, just witnessing a damn murder in a church in Rome. I hate it when an
author can spend hours in one place, describing everything, and nothing is
happening. I hate descriptions in a book, or big physical, social and
psychological portraits of my characters. Only the story and the conversations
interest me. Not that Dan Brown’s books are bad, on the contrary, they have
been a big inspiration for me. But God, he certainly spent a long time in that
Church in
Which reminds me, my first
published book had over a thousand pages. It was a nightmare of an editing job
to reduce it to 300 pages, I tell you. And thank God I had a friend in
While reading Dan Brown, in two of
his books, for a while there I thought I could have inspired him. There were
many disturbing parallel to what I have written before, however how could it
be? I’m sure the guy can’t read French, many of his French quotes in his books
are just plainly wrong. Perhaps we read the same books, after all I have
written a novel about secret societies, and I got most of my inspiration from
books about Freemasons. French books however.
I know I have inspired many great
people, both in Québec and in
The thing is, I really had I mind
to write the easy novel, like Brown. But I can’t afford it, I certainly cannot.
I have to be respected, I have to talked about like one of those great French
classics, or better, those German classics like Hermann Brock. Because the only
French author I really admire is Antonin Artaud, and I am not sure if he was
cryptic enough in his novels. Yes he was, in his journals, he was crazy then,
and on some hard drugs. Hermann Brock is perfect, The Death of Virgil, and then
I will be certain to be the biggest flop of all time! And yet, I need to be
proud of what I am writing, so I will always chose the darkest path. Dear me, I
have a lot more thinking to do before I can start this English novel. Maybe I
should in French after all, the translation, if translated by my friend Sheila,
will sound much better anyway. Her translation of my work is somewhat better
than the original, I am ashamed to admit. Of course, she is such an author
herself, no wonder she won the Ney York Best Seller Award. I’m just lucky to
have met her and that she agreed to translate one of my books. Cost me dearly
though, and as soon as I get more money, it will be: Sheila! I have work for
you to do! Translate all this for me please! With your great Oxford English, as
usual. Make me sound better than I am! How many authors can say that they
actually gain in the translation? Not many, that’s for sure. Though I’m sure
that the translation of my first books would certainly lose a lot in the
translation. Unless I am standing there over her shoulder while she translates,
because she can easily not understand anything it is that I am saying, or not
really saying. So far she only translated my poems, and there was not much
there to interpret or be wrong about. Not my best body of work obviously, and
yet, my most popular.
I feel so bad, every day, because
my last 5 books are still not online on my websites, after two years at least.
I should correct that mistake, I just cannot find the motivation. What if I
have many important people waiting after this, wanting new stuff after so many
years? What am I doing? Even this damn blog is not on my website, and will not
be for a long time.
At least one of my last books could
be published and make a lot of noise. It could be a success. What am I waiting
for? I should send it to publishers. Ah, I just can’t find the motivation
anymore. I’ve reached a point in my life where it is more important to write
than actually make sure I was read and published. I should give myself a
mission, to put everything online next weekend, instead of wasting it reading
Dan Brown. You never know who reads your website, and I certainly proved in the
past that important people are reading it. I should do something, stop wasting
time, what’s wrong with me? Got to get to it, got to do it! What’s wrong with
me! I need a good slap in the face, I need to act, to get it out there… and the
worst part of it is, that it would take me less than an hour to do so. I cannot
explain why I am hesitating. And to be honest, I don’t really give a fuck.
I cannot be proud of any of my
accomplishments. I cannot be proud of anything I have written. I used to drink
myself to death many nights in a row, just reading what I wrote, and be in awe,
wondering how I actually was able to write this. Wondering if I was the one who
actually wrote this. Not anymore. A few negative critics in a sea of positive
ones is all I needed to be completely destroyed. And see myself as a complete
failure incapable of writing anything worth any attention. Damn it! Damn them
all! It is only when I get back to reading what I wrote before that I
understand that these few negative critics were wrong. They obviously read only
a few pages of one of my books, and passed judgment. Dear me, how easily fooled
we all are, even the author. I have written enough to start my own religion and
have followers, and it would be a damn good one too! So fuck you! I should not
be so easily influenced or discouraged. I know what I am worth, I know what I
wrote, I know they don’t know. So why should I care? I should only read the
positive critics, take them in, dress myself with them. Get the motivation I
need to continue. I will not be stopped! I am building something huge here, I
will see it to the end. Does not seem concrete, does not seem like real art,
but it is, very much concrete and provocative. It could change the world! It
will change the world! Mark my word! I am confident enough tonight, with only a
few beer, to know that what I have written will go down in history and will one
day change the world. And men of little faith, blinded by whatever, who cannot
take the time to read before criticizing, fuck you! One day it will outshine
everything so hardly, you will be blinded by the light. And will not be able to
comprehend how you could have missed it. There is a body of work here, not just
one latest published book from which you will only read a few pages and then pass
judgment. Give it some justice, at least! I would not claim this blog is
extraordinary, after reading a few pages of it, you should not be allowed to
judge everything else I have written. I am worth more than that. I deserve more
than that. Bof, enough about that shite. Let’s concentrate on what is coming
next, that novel, and how I could be proud of it, the style which should still
very much be me, my mark. It is not going to be easy, especially in English.
Dear me… how am I going to achieve this? To do what I really want to do without
destroying it in the process? A lot of thinking is required before I start,
that’s for sure. I’ve got to be proud of it, I need to be able to read it 100
times without ever getting tired of reading, like some of my previous books.
Not easy, when the only French novel I wrote, is not exactly the one book I
would pick up when I am completely drunk and need to lose myself in what I
previously wrote. I am proud of this novel, I did exactly what I wanted to do
with it. It has many different meanings, there is a lot of symbols in it, even
if nothing is obvious, and yet, it is my least interesting book I have ever
written in my entire life, from my own point of view. If I did not need to be
completely drunk to write it all completely, then the book is missing
something, there is no poetry. No, it is not going to be easy, as I don’t
reckon I will need to be drunk at all to write that English novel, and this is
worrying me. Perhaps I should forget about it, and write something else instead,
something truly out of this world! Like I did so many times before. Of course,
it never got me anywhere, it is way too different. Only crap got published. Of
course, it does not help that most of what I have written in the last five
years, I never put online or sent to publishers. I just don’t care anymore. And
now, if you will excuse me, I’m need to write stuff that is out of this world.
I’m drunk enough.
So! I was all ready to write like
crazy, I even wrote one of the best poems I did so far, called Where the Fuck
am I? And that was only the first of a series of great ones, I might even have
started writing my novel tonight… but what happened? My ex-boyfriend called
from
So we spent four hours on the
phone, reminiscing about the great time we had together in the five years we
were together. When we lived in
Little we knew at the time we went
all around the Wine Castles in
Hi parents also sold their land in
the islands, and made more than a million dollars. As predicted, they bought a
piece of land right next to where he lives, so he will still live around the
corner from mommy! Which was one of the big argument that prevented him from
coming with me to
Fuck! If I had a million dollars to
buy myself a winery, I would buy it in the South of France, never mind my
parents dying in North Pole in the North of Canada!
Anyway, that boyfriend of his has
got quite an easy ride, living with a millionaire. I could have made a good of
a premature retirement with the best ever good looking millionaire there is.
Unfortunately it was not to be in my case, I had to suffer like hell, or else,
I might have wrote something beautiful and inspired, instead of the misery I am
describing t every page. Death.
But, would I want that life? No.
He’s still not faithful, even living so isolated. He claimed tonight that where
he is in the country side, there were plenty of gays, and he was even in a chat
room, telling me a guy from
I can’t believe he complained for a
whole five minutes that he was again the one who had to call me and pay for the
international call. It is true that in the last ten years, every time we spoke
he is this one who called, but then again, he is the millionaire one, what is
he expecting? I won’t be able to finish the month, I don’t even have car,
Stephen just lost his job, what is he thinking? God only knows.
For a moment there, he was afraid I
was going to ask for money to start my own business. Poor him. I would never, I
would die first. He always had five times more money than me, and yet in the
five years we were together, I am the one who spent all my money for our survival.
I spent more than he ever did. And all the money I borrowed from him, I paid it
back, even when I was not working and had no money. I’m pleased I did, I doubt
he would still be speaking to me now if I had not.
Still, it is sad that this
relationship is over. He was and still his the most beautiful and extraordinary
guy I have ever met in my life. I could not believe he was actually gay, even
if today he sounds like an old queen, from spending too much time in
14 March 2006
I am now on my second full day of
strike against talking in the office. I ignore anyone talking to me unless it
is a bit direct, and then I answer with one word or one sentence. I had a lot
of phone calls to do today, sales, so I did speak more than I wanted to. They
have noticed that I’m not talking, unless it is business. I also look very
preoccupied, and occupied. Tomorrow the Spanish guy comes back from his
conference, and then I will have to be even more extreme.
I have become the perfect employee,
I have become a machine. Today was not easy. Get up, get to work, not speak a
word to anyone, just do my job all day long. Get out, then read, then bed. The
next day, same thing. I’m not used at working so hard, when you don’t stop even
for a few minutes to talk to anyone, the day is suddenly much longer, and it
comes a time in the afternoon or near the end, that you just collapse, you
don’t want to do anything anymore. Almost despair.
It is a bit childish, this strike.
It is mind games. And yet, every time I think of getting out of that phase, I
turn around, and I wonder. Who stitched me up? Who complained against me? Who
almost got me sacked? And then, I understand that I cannot speak to any of
them, every thing I say is written down and used against me with the bosses.
I had a little argument today with
the Senior Manager, just a little one, and yet, it was running through my mind
that he will report me to the bosses. It is getting insane, I am working with a
bunch of backstabbers reporting everything the second it happens, and of
course, only the negative stuff. Even in terms of business, I can no longer
speak to anyone, I get burnt every time just for speaking my mind or expressing
an opinion, when I should really just shut up and do what I am told without
discussion.
So I intend to remain completely silent
for the rest of the week, three more long days. And then, next week, I will
relax a bit and will restart to speak, but never to fool around or joking. Just
talk simply, nothing of consequence, remain to myself in any case. And
certainly, I will not allow anyone to make fun of me anymore, no stupid comment
about the fact I am gay, because this is how it started, me talking about my
sexuality, which seems to have traumatized those poor American, prudish, and
religious souls who have obviously never heard or seen anything in their lives.
You would have never thought that
Knowing the Valley Girl, and I can
feel it, she feels guilt out of my strike of silence. Was it not what she
wanted? Have I not heard her states not once, but twice, that some of my
comments like the one when I said: “we’re all gay” as a joke could be construed
as sexual harassment? I can hear her saying in the office, the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard. What a bitch.
I’m sure she’s sweating right now,
the new guy, with just a little bit more work than her, has been capable in a
few weeks to do what she normally does in a few months, with assistants on top
of it. I think my bosses are soon to discover how incompetent she is.
I think he is sweating even more,
because she has to write a few paragraphs explaining what her event is about.
Lucky her, she does not even have to write a whole conference program, her
events are quite simplistic in nature, a few paragraphs is all she will need to
write. But she never did before, and now she has to, probably because I stated
it clearly in at least two of my reports, that we should be writing our own
stuff. In the end she had to ask the Chinese Girl to write it for her, and she
was not happy with the results. Hey, hey, another proof of how incompetent she
really is.
I’m afraid, there is only one way
to confirm speakers, sponsors and attendees, you need to call all day. The only
three persons calling all day in the office are the new guy, the gay guy and I.
We are also the only ones capable of finishing anything in record time. I’m
sorry I can’t even trust the gay guy, even though everyone knows he is gay,
because it is so obvious, he does not want anyone to know and he certainly does
not want to hear about the subject. As far as I know, he could have complained
against me, I saw him when the subject of being gay was out, he just disappears.
So even him is not my ally.
And now that the new guy is proving
just how the Valley Girl is wasting her time, talking all day instead of doing
her job, she has a great reason to hate him and to want to get rid of him.
Unfortunately, the guy so far has been only but perfect, she has nothing
against him. And yet, somehow, she will invent something, something huge, just
like she did with me, when I was not even a real threat to her. But now I am.
Ironically, my next conference is
about nukes, nuclear energy, nuclear power plants. I find that fascinating,
that I, could be the instigator of more of those things, such a bad, dangerous
and pollutant technology. They claim it is greener than the other power source,
but how could it? When it produces nuclear waste? Well, at the very least, it
will satisfy my thirst for seeing this world and these people annihilate
themselves. Let’s show them how it is done! Let’s convince them to invest
billions into nuclear.
It will be my third and last
conference I will produce in the
Don’t you think it is refreshing to
swim like this in the middle of all those sharks, but in
I just got off line with my
ex-boyfriend, my first one, the millionaire. It was surreal to see him again in
his webcam. He looks better than ever. For a second there I thought he was
going to take his shirt off and masturbate. Unfortunately I just did myself
just before talking to him. I thought of sending him naked picture of me, I
stopped myself, and I even told him. My God, I’ve become quite the pervert. But
he must be too, I’m sure he does a lot on MSN wit his webcam. I’m sure he
exchanged photos and films with nice gay friends. What a nice view they must
have when they fall on him. I sent him lots of photos of me anyway, good ones,
one more recent, but hey, I had to. To show him how I look like now. He did not
make a comment. I reminded him that with Atkins diet, I could look exactly like
my other photos. Let him chew on that…
15 March 2006
Oh dear, I’m exhausted. Worked
extra hours to get that brochure to the designer. Bit annoyed that the Senior
Manager refused that I worked on that from home, asked me to remain in the
office until it was done, and then, he fucked off at 4! I feel great that it is
done and that I won’t have to work on this tonight from home. I could have
easily worked on it until
I came home and I have only two
beers left, thank God, I would have drink 10 tonight. Funny, I have noticed
that on weekends I don’t drink at all, I mostly sleep to recuperate. And on
work nights, I drink myself to death and write all night. I should change my
priorities, and drink only on weekends, but then I don’t feel like it.
One thing is for sure, when you
have a Manager over you telling you it has to be done today, and you do it,
afterwards, it feels great. Another one in the can, no matter how bad it is. I
will miss that once I work on my own conference, but I will remember, to set
myself deadlines, it works wonder.
I’m watching right now a simple
British film on TV, don’t even know the title or on which channel, all I know
is that it feels damn good. I feel like I am watching a French-Canadian film,
just to tell how much I identify myself with the
And then only remain the matter of
becoming rich enough to live six months here and six months there. Something
old people have become famous for, the only capable of affording it. I read
today in the newspapers that people over 50 own 70% of all estate in
I’m such an idealist. I should be
like everyone, not care at all for the masses. I’ll get rich, like everyone
else, and just forget that the rest of the country cannot by a DVD tonight.
They think downloading online has killed the entertainment industry, I think
they’ve got it wrong, the new generation simply cannot afford to spend on
anything. So they don’t!
And we will soon discover that our
great capitalist society can no longer go anywhere or sustain itself, in our
obsession in making sure no one makes any money, while we get richer ourselves.
Useless to try selling your products now, sell to the old people, they’re they
only one with money and assets, and I’m afraid, they’re not the ones spending
anything.
Don’t I need to, should I, just
kill myself? I’m not that desperate tonight. But I certainly don’t feel like
doing anything. I’m dying anyway. I’ve got no soul to sell, as would say Trent
Reznor.
I’ve not seen what they said was
coming. A life of leisure, with only 35 hours a week. 50 is more normal, 60
quite often, 70 sometimes. I have a high paid job, I’m told, and yet I can’t
afford anything. What must it be when you have children? Yeah I have debts, but
everyone now has got them. They want your life for any good salary, and even
then it is not enough to survive. What a waste. This country must be in bad
shape, even though I know it is worse in
And now, I know what I am talking
about, because I am actually a salesman. Also a marketer, and everything else,
but the title of salesman is quite something I never thought I would ever have
to deal with. Calling people who are just upset that you even had the guts to
email them and call them. To ask them for money! Isn’t it ironic, that the
worse thing there is on the planet, of course apart from having someone trying
to sell you his faith or religion and reading the Bible, is to have salesmen
harassing you. Give it to
Yesterday I thought I heard it all.
I was getting used to have astonished at the other end of the phone, disgusted
that I am calling to ask for money, and then I hit the jackpot. A woman, the
President of a an important association, took the bother to call me (imagine, I
had only sent her an email by then, when I usually send three or four and call
at least 3 times). She was angry at me, saying that they do not support any for
profit organization. She was saying this as if I was immoral, unethical and I
was going to burn in hell for even thinking of having their association
supporting my conference.
What a bitch. Let’s see what’s
wrong with this picture. I print 40,000 copies of my brochure. I mail that to
my huge database of the exactly right people she needs to reach so they may
eventually join her association. I also have that online on the website, this
is free publicity for them. They also get an exhibition stand for free at the
conference and one complimentary pass. They get much more than I. All they have
to do in return is to make their members aware of the conference. And I’m not
even sure if that will even bring me one delegate in the end. S she thought I
was trying to sell her something, I was actually giving away something valuable
to her not expecting much in return. And why would I do that. Because what I am
giving her, even though would mean a lot for them, costs me nothing. So why
not? If I can secure a few more delegates?
What was so horrifying in that
story, what I should have told her, is: so what, you have something against for
profit organization? What exactly? How dare you judging me, when your own
association has got the word Commerce in it, and represents a conglomeration of
companies interested in one thing only, making millions if not billions. How
quickly you forget in which country you live and what system your life depends
on. Sales madam! So you better start respecting me, as you respect your flag.
Because I symbolize everything this country stands for. Now, do you want sign
that contract? Was I eloquent enough? With just the right amount of pity me and
emotions?
A few years ago I would not have
accepted to see my boss fire the salesman, and then telling me that I have just
become the new one. I would have said on the spot: fine, fine yourself another
conference producer willing to be a salesman. And the disturbing thing is that
it is not that hard, it is not as unthinkable and horrible as I always thought
it was. And the most disturbing thought, is that why I don’t see this any more
difficult than recruiting speakers and putting together the program and
brochure, is because in the end recruiting speakers, attendees, supporting
organizations, media partners or sponsors, it is all the same thing, it is
sales job I have been doing for the last decade! What an awful thought, an
awful life. They hide that fact very well, with titles like Conference
Researcher, Conference Manager, Conference Producer, and telling you that you
will travel all around the world. But we all know what it means, it is like job
titles like Vice President or Business Development, that means sales on another
scale. These are jobs that are really worth the energy and the salary.
18 March 2006
I am 12 days away from having to
decide if I am going back to
They have already accepted no
payment for three months this year, I doubt they will do the same again just
because things are not working out. In their mind, I’m sure, they would oblige
me to keep the job from hell if it meant keeping up with repayments. I wonder
now if perhaps there would be a way to really declare bankruptcy instead of
this personal agreement with my creditors. And would I have to still make
monthly payments, I wonder.
The thing is, starting a business
out of nothing, with no money to even make my monthly payments, sounds highly
unrealistic. Never mind that my business could actually make good money, no one
will want to invest in me. I do not even have the possibility to try to get a
loan, it is forbidden as per my contract.
This fortnight I have to decide and
take the plunge is also weighting heavily on me. Tell the apartment people,
that is easy. Telling my bosses? That is hard. Especially the when I should
tell them. I’ve been used in giving long notices before leaving a job, in this
case I don’t need to give one. I can tell them I’m leaving, the day that I fly
out of the country. However it does not seem sensible, it feels wrong. At the
same time, knowing them and how they proceeded in the past, I would not be at
all surprised that at the moment I would give them my month’s notice, they will
terminate me right there. And I would be here for one month without working,
which is fine anyway by me. So what should I do?
Meanwhile, Stephen his fighting to
keep his job, somehow he is confident his disciplinary will have a positive
outcome, perhaps he is right, even if it does not seem likely to me. He has got
out of worse in the past, he is excellent at digging himself out of a hole.
However, I’m afraid to say, he is also excellent at digging himself these holes
and throwing himself in them. And anyway, he will lose his driving license
soon, so he has lost his job.
Could be destiny, I don’t see
myself starting this conference business all on my own, I will need him. If he
was still working to support us, I would be alone, I might not succeed. The
only remaining problem would be to find some investors, but then, it would be
nice not to have to deal with that. If I could somehow start this whole thing
without any loans, it would be something nice. No damn repayments every month.
We just need a few months without money, if that is possible.
There is also the matter that I
cannot own this business, it has to be in Stephen’s name, and I need to be his
employee. Otherwise, my creditors will take everything for the next five years,
leaving me with the minimum required to survive. I could not start a business
in those conditions, no surplus could ever be reinvested in the new events. The
enterprise would be useless and could not go anywhere.
This is when you wish you had
parents with a bit of money and willing to help. This is when you wish you had
save a few thousand for a rainy day. So would not have to depend on anyone in
your own business. A loan from a bank would give me the freedom to do what I
want, but an investor would push for me to produce conferences about the high
end corporate world, where the money is. Something I don’t want to do.
This is not going to be easy. I
would require some miracle. In the meantime I should work this weekend on my
future conferences, and finish my business plan, but with the week I had, with
all the overtime to finish that conference I am working on for my bosses, there
is no way I can do anything. I’m too exhausted.
19 March 2006
Tonight, Sunday, I am completely
freaked out. It is not new, I’m afraid to say, every Sunday, the thought of
going back to work the net day fills me with apprehension. At the moment,
however, it is worse than usual, it makes me physically sick.
Perhaps trying to understand why
here will help? What I wrote here yesterday about my simple plan to go back to
After explaining to Stephen what I
had in mind, it seems the obstacles were insurmountable. It sounded like
another of my crazy ideas that would flop monumentally and will put us both in
a larger hole. That was just the bit about how we would survive a few months
without any money, unsure if we will make any money out of these conferences,
just in time to survive before having to abandon ship.
The greater at the moment is what
gives me a headache. That in ten days I have to announce my departure to my
bosses. Stephen is adamant that I need to give them a month’s notice, even if
they would not in a slightest give me that chance themselves if they decided to
kick me out. There is no reason to be immoral or unethical to people who are
immoral or unethical. I agree, unfortunately, even if I saw in my one month
silence, the chance to see where this job could have led me. I am after going
to work on a European conference, and God knows if that works what they would
want to do. Open a
But now I understand that this
would take months to happen. And I don’t really. If I am to open their
My other worry is that I could
probably get my old job back in
Usually, once I have identified why
I am freaked out, I feel better afterwards. The problems are identified, I can
get closer to a solution. And often, even without a solution, I feel better,
since most of the time my panic attack comes from the fact that the problem is
not even clearly identified. Tonight it does not work. I am still in panic
mode. It is already 9 pm, no more time to be alive, to enjoy my little bit of
freedom. I am again scared shitless of the magnitude of my past decisions and
my future ones.
I wish I was not all alone in this.
That I could reassure myself by talking to a trustworthy ally who would share
my vision and help to draw a plan. As it stands, I only have Stephen to point
out all the negative side of it, unconvinced, while we have short conversations
on the phone which cost us a fortune while we count the seconds. And in all
this enterprise, I’m afraid to say, he cannot help. He is so afraid of the
computer, not knowing anything about it, that I cannot count on him to do much
in this matter. He will be good when I tell him to make phone calls, but not to
find the places to call in the first place.
I am all alone in this, like I have
always been. If this succeeds, it will certainly count as my biggest
achievement ever, never to be repeated. But starting a business is not
something new, thousands of people do it every day. I don’t know how, I don’t
even know if they are frightened by the idea, or if they are simply desperate
because they have no other choice. I’m sure they at least get money somewhere
to start up, either family or banks. Maybe I am pushing it thinking it could
work out without that kind of support. We are already way too much in the hole
for that. If I had any asset, I would sell them to start this business. I
don’t. Stephen has some assets, but it is impossible to ask him to sell them,
and even, he made it clear that he would not. Even if he wanted to, his parents
would stop him. Anyway, I was not counting in his assets to start this
business, it has to be done either with no money and work quickly, or simply
we’ll have to find a solution along the way. Money does not grow on trees,
contrary to what
20 March 2006
I never paid too much attention and
I never used ever the expression that a meeting was like a cold shower. Today
this expression took a new meaning for me, as when I am in the shower and
suddenly the water turns cold, I make a very specific cry. And after my meeting
with the big boss and the Chinese Girl, this is exactly how I felt, and for the
rest of the morning, I made that same cry.
This morning I got one good news,
one very bad, and the other seems good in theory. I had such a feeling
yesterday all day, I felt something terrible was going to happen at work. I was
dead on, it took less than an hour. I remember sitting in the boss’ office and
wondering what that bitch of a Chinese Girl was doing in there. I did not want
to be wiped by the big boss in front of her, especially not in front of her
since it is known we are at war and she’s up to get me. At the back of my mind,
I knew it could only mean one thing.
The meeting started slowly, as my
boss knew I would not like what I was going to hear. He first told me that
there was now a new structure in the office, a new hierarchy. He explained it
to me as if it was the very first time I had heard it, when in fact, I’m the
one who told exactly how it should be. And for most of it, it was good news,
only the job titles were not the ones I proposed, but almost. The professional
Consultant they hired must have felt like he had to come up with at least
something to justify his pay check, so he proposed my own ideas with ridiculous
job titles. But I don’t care, that was another victory for me.
What was not respected in my
propositions, was that I was supposed to be on the same level as the two
Managers, the Valley Girl and the Chinese Girl. How could it be otherwise? I
have ten years experience, in all their competitors, all my reports have
changed their way to do business, and now I am the lowest of the low, the
Chinese Girl is now my boss!
For a second there, the two
assistants in the office, I thought they had the same job title as me, the
famous Spanish Guy finally got what he wanted, we would both be Event
Producers, while the Chinese Girl and the Valley Girl were now promoted to
something like: Managing Event Producers. Then I realized that they took pity
on me, I’m a little bit higher than the two assistants, they are now Associate
Event Producers. But plainly stated, their job description is identical to
mine, except for one added line: Mentors Associate Event Producers about how to
perform these functions, functions that they know better than me for having
been there longer than me, so it is clear that I will not be mentoring anyone.
Anyway, it is some sort of good
news. Because I did not know how I was going to tell them that I was leaving in
10 days time. Now this is wonderful, I don’t need to justify anything, it will
be clear. I simply cannot work under the Chinese Girl, as some sort of
assistant, she will have me for breakfast, and probably within 10 days the
whole thing will collapse on itself, even if I am going to try my best to be as
submitted as possible, I certainly have no choice. My boss repeated many times
that he expected me to report to her everything, and that I was expected to
obey her in everything. He was basically admitting right there that he was expecting
problems. Of course, he thinks I will be the problem, when it is obvious that
the problem will be the Chinese Girl.
Now I only regret that they have
not given me the exact job title as the two assistants, because then the
injustice would be complete, and I could leave them without any guilt. They did
not feel it wise to push it that far, but I think the message is quite clear,
despite what my boss said about me being responsible for their biggest events
to come. He made it sound like if I was going to be the only producing events
in there, the two assistants sort of remain assistants, and the Chinese Girl
now overseeing three employees, won’t have time to do anything else but to
manage us. And the Director and Senior Manager are now off the hook, working on
something else altogether. That leaves the Valley Girl.
She was so pissed off today, first
thing when I entered the office. I don’t know what her title will be actually,
but I know she is dead jealous that the Chinese Girl sort of got a promotion
over her, and it is not hard to understand why. She has destroyed so many
employees, and me being her last victim, they clearly understood that I would
never be able to be under her. True, I would have left there on the spot if
they had made that mistake.
Now my only worry is, would the
Chinese Girl be professional and not explode for any reason at any moment?
Because I won’t take it, that much is obvious. And if she is too patronizing,
or demanding, it won’t work either. This is also obvious. I’ll try as much as I
can, but I’m known to be a Yes Mam, especially if it is to be under a newbie
with much less experience than me, who is actually out of control, bossy, and
to be frank, a problem maker when there is no need to, just like the Valley
Girl.
Not sure how all this will work,
but they certainly given me the perfect opportunity to bow out gracefully. I
could say that I simply cannot work with the Chinese Girl because an obvious
clash of personalities, however I don’t need to mention it. Now I can invent
anything, and they will still understand why.
Just got an email from the Spanish
guy, stating that he is leaving early today. He too must be gutted, as it is
clear from his job description, probably, that I am higher than him, and may in
theory answer to me. When there is no way, so why he is worried? Poor guy, no
one told him that I have ten years experience all over the place, he probably
feels that with his six months there, he deserved to be Event Producer, and
that I should be answering to him. He is going to burn himself, I would not be
surprised if within ten days he is gone. Or even, that he would not be back
tomorrow. And truly, no one job jobs has really changed, only the other Sweet
Chinese Girl and I are now under Master Bitch Chinese Girl. Everyone else stays
exactly where they are.
Finally I don’t think they followed
what I stated in my report, because if they had, none of that jealousy would
have occurred. I was not supposed to go under the Chinese Girl, though the
Sweet Chinese Girl was supposed to. Now they have alienated the Valley Girl,
the Spanish Guy and I. Though, to be really honest here, I don’t really care
myself, since really I’m leaving, that was the reason, the opportunity, I was
looking for.
The Valley Girl is much nicer to me
today, she feels I should as disgusted as she is. She’s been trying to get it
out of me, my complains, my dissatisfaction, she’s moaning all morning herself,
almost destroying her desk and the wall separating us. I won’t give that
satisfaction, I won’t say anything to her. I will need give her again the
opportunity to gossip about how I feel to everyone. I’m going back in this
office this afternoon as if nothing happened, obedient and submitted to Master
Bitch Chinese Girl. They will be quite impressed, because I am going to put a
show of it. Taking pleasure in making her feel like the boss she is now. She
would not believe her eyes herself, they must have discussed that I could
probably freak out and that it would not work. They must be expecting it, and
it won’t happen. First thing I’ll do is to report her on everything I am doing
and what I should do next. As submissive as a low-life like me should be.
I’m back from work now. I so wanted
to buy a bottle of wine tonight, but this is when I discovered to my
astonishment that my garage
I didn’t, I was already late for
having worked overtime, proof-reading the latest brochure of my Senior Manager.
It took me forever, when I was finished, his four pages were completely full of
my comments. I almost added a post it note on top of it to say: this brochure
is a mess, never seen anything like it! And you know what? The Sweet Chinese
Girl came to me 15 minutes before the end of the day and said: the whole office
proof-read that brochure, it is your turn now. And after everyone made all
their comments, I still found over 100 problems and obvious mistakes. It can
only main one thing, something I suspected for a long time, no one ever really
proof-read anything when they are asked, and the proof is that they do it in 5
minutes, when I take over an hour.
And now, let’s have fun. This is
what I wrote to the Master Bitch Chinese Girl at work this afternoon, with her
answer. And in between, I have added what we actually really meant to say:
Hi (Chinese Girl),
-Hi Master Bitch Chinese Girl,
I look forward to working with you.
-Oh God, how are we going to survive this without killing each other?
One of us will be out the door before the end of the month, that much is
certain.
Here is what I am doing right now (…)
-Let me kiss your thin ass so we can at least give this nightmare a
chance. Even if both of us know too well just how we are doomed!
Once I have cleared that backlog, I will let you know so we can start
working on our next project.
-Let’s wait as long as it is actually possible, without alerting the
bosses, before starting the war.
Hopefully sometime tomorrow, if this is acceptable.
-Hopefully never! Some sort of miracle will happen and you might get
sacked before we get started. You or I being run over by a bus would also be
acceptable.
In the meantime, I am at your disposal for anything you wish me to do,
-Let me be and we’ll be fine. Don’t talk to me, and we might survive.
Cross me, and I’ll destroy you.
or if you wish a meeting to get more details about what I am doing right
now and how we should proceed in the future.
-I’m really pushing it. I must be desperate. Oh dear, this will turn ugly.
If there are specific ways you would like me to go about producing
these events, I would be most interested in learning them, and more than
willing to do it your way.
-What a laugh! You’ve got no experience whatsoever, you have such a
temper, many customers complained against you. Acting like you would be
tantamount to suicide, and yet, you have been promoted. Isn’t that always the
way? And you know what? I am about to start my own business, so I actually
meant it a bit, God knows, maybe you have learned to cut corners like hell, and
I might learn a thing or two from you, who knows?
Regards.
Mycroft Holmes,
Thank you for the update.
-Don’t worry, I’ll have plenty time for more meetings with you where I
will just love to make you’re a life a living hell, questioning everything you
do, barking orders at you, I’ll turn you into my new slave and I will love
every second of it. Digress even once, do not respect my authority for even a
second, I’ll report you and get you sacked so fast, you’ll never know what hit
you.
It is much appreciated.
-I’m gonna love torturing you!
I am still in the process of collecting information and hope to have the
time to go over current and upcoming events with you in the near future.
-Mmh, perhaps I’m not so sure if I am ready for the war just yet. I am a
bit frighten that you might not accept that I’m your boss after all, and since
this is quite new, you could actually cause me some trouble and damage me
somehow. Let me think some more about how I will go about turning you into a
pussy.
I am sure we can learn from each other's experience and skill-sets,
-I understand that you have 9 more years experience than me, I know
you’re better than me, and know more than I’ll ever do. I’m sorry I am now your
boss, but you’ll just have to accept it and do as I say. I’m gonna enjoy every
second of it, believe me.
and make the process much more efficient.
-I’ll make you work so hard, I’m going to ask from you the impossible,
and when you will fail, I’ll only be to happy to criticize you to the bosses.
Isn’t life ironic?
I look forward to working with you as well.
-You will fail, I can tell you that much already. Wait and see.
Best regards.
Now I wonder when will be our first big problem. And what she will do
then. Jump in the bosses office immediately, after talking it over with the
Valley Girl no doubt. They’ll both be my bosses, there is no two ways about it.
By the end of the day, the Valley Girl had already accepted her faith,
her jealousy was virtually already dead. Lucky her. I thought that the
promotion of the Chinese Girl over her might have done the trick, destroy their
friendship, since by definition these two should clash. But they went into the
corridor to talk it over for over two hours, and the Chinese Girl must have
told her that they were equal, she was responsible for the Iranian guy after
all, and their events are six times longer to produce than ours. She was
already fine by the end of the day, I could barely believe it.
And somehow, tomorrow when the Spanish Guy comes back from his afternoon
of sulking, the Chinese Girl will quickly bring him back to reality, and
everybody will be happy again, except me. Such an insult, that my boss had to
take his kid’s glove to announce it to me, turning around a bowl for over an
hour before finally spitting out. And I had to say it myself, with more sarcasm
that I wish I had: in a few word, she’ll be my boss, we’ll have a great time
together, and then I exploded in a furry of laughter. He must have understood
right there that it would never work, and yet, he made that mistake. He’s got
only himself to blame, I suppose.
I give it two days before we are right back in his office, with her
complaining that I do not listen, I am late, I am not doing well, I do not
respect her authority. And this is something I learned the hard way today, I
have now a new spy on my back, she is now studying my computer screen every
minute of the day, wondering what it is that I am doing, if perhaps I am
wasting my time. Great, just what I needed, another damn spy.
I have not even told you the worse yet. This Friday the walls between us
will disappear for a whole week, I’ll will be virtually sitting over the Valley
Girl. I’ve considering taking a whole week off, however it is not feasible at the
moment, considering that I may announce to them that I’m leaving in ten days.
I know my bosses will blame themselves for having put me under the
Chinese Girl, they will obviously that this is the reason I’m going back to
And yet, what else could they have done? It must have looked quite logical
to them, I don’t know their company well enough to take over, over the girls,
they would not have accepted it anyway. There would have been a mutiny. And
since I’ll be working on their biggest events, the ones the girls have already
done before, it makes sense that they would be over me. Somehow I would have
found a way to make it happen differently, you simply cannot alienate your
employees like this. And yet, it was perfectly logical. And yet, unacceptable.
Thank God I just don’t care, this would have killed me if I were not leaving.
Ok, I think I might have drunk enough beers to start writing the serious
stuff.
21 March 2006
Today has been an embarrassing day, and a long one too. For the first
time the Chinese Girl came to my desk and ask me what I was doing. And that is
despite the email I sent her yesterday detailing what I was working on right
now. It was embarrassing because I was not certain if everyone knew that I was
sort of demoted and was now under her. Well, it was clear then that she was my
boss, wondering every second what it is that I am doing.
She wanted an hour long meeting where she told me everything I will have
to do, how to do my job basically. And I had to listen as if I was a newbie who
never produced a conference before. No need to tell her that I know the job,
she knows, even if she acts like I don’t.
At least she sent me all her files, the ones I suspected were much
better organized and maximized to achieve a good marketing campaign than what I
have been using under the Senior Manager who does not care much about marketing
or anything else, but write more conference programs. No wonder he never has
sponsors, supporting organizations or any attendees for that matter.
I also made a mistake, a big one. The Sweet Chinese Girl came to me,
asking me to take over the admin of my own events, and I said no. At that
meeting I was told that it would now be my responsibility. Great, demoted, my
new boss is virtually a newbie who thinks she knows everything, she is also
very bossy and over my shoulder at all time, and now I have more
responsibilities. In fact, that was the missing piece, the only thing about
producing an event that I was not doing, the admin. I was doing already half of
it, but now, I do everything on all my events, which also pushes me to produce
my own for my own company.
Still, today I felt like announcing them that I was leaving in a month.
As some sort of protestation. Of course, I can’t. I have first to talk about it
to my financial adviser, and Stephen. But the fact that I was leaving at the
end of next month was all I could think about when I was suffering in that
meeting. It is not going to be easy. She also expects twice more work that the
Senior Manager, because she is a control freak and needs to know at all time
where we are at with our events. This is when we start producing more
bureaucracy than actually producing events.
I have also become a bit more realistic with my business. I think now
that I will produce conferences very much like my big competitors, however I
will charge exactly 50% less than them. I will also make it clear that the
venue will not be an expensive one and meals will not be provided. I will
however tell them that the content and the quality of the events will be the
same.
Which leaves me with one decision, which field of interest, and which
conferences to produce first? I immediately understood that most of their
events are so niche market, I could have something more general. I don’t have
the database to be niche market. I also discovered that if I were to choose
Telecoms, even after all these years, they have still the same speakers
presenting at these events. They might remember me.
Telecoms seems like the right choice, but I don’t feel like it. What
about finance? Law? Life Sciences? Energy, renewables, public sector… not sure.
I will have to concentrate in one field only. Maybe technology would do? It did
not work as well as Telecoms. Maybe I should go for something different than
what my competitors are doing, however, if it was at all successful, they would
be organizing conferences in these fields. I need to do some serious market
research, I can only do that once I am back in
I wish I could do paranormal and pure sciences, space programs,
high-tech technology, these are interesting fields. Maybe I should take a risk.
I will not after all charge £3,000 to attend. But could they afford £700 or
even £1,500? Good question. Market research once again… without it I cannot
decide, I would flying blind. Lots of work in perspective.
I think I will be imaginative, and produce conferences people would have
never thought of doing, and somehow I feel I will turn them into success. For
example, how many post offices are there in
But I have to be careful, a conference about the car industry, if
successful, would put me in a situation where for many years that’s all I will
be doing, something I have little interest in. I think I should stick with my
original idea, and charge bit more than
I originally planned. £200 instead of £100. And if that turns out to be a
mistake, I’ll offer everyone a 50% discount. That’s how I will catch my fish.
I’m very excited about all this now, I’ll find a way to start my business!
22 March 2006
Despite all my efforts in the initial two days, despite my first meeting
with the Chinese Girl where everything went well, despite my nice email saying
that I was looking forward to working with her, it took me less than one minute
today to annihilate my entire future with that company in the U.S. Sixty
seconds is all you need to destroy everything.
I was stressed, that damn brochure had not gone to print, the printer
was taking hours, and every five minutes she was behind my back asking me what
I was doing, why it took so long, etc.
At some point she came, she attacked not once, but five times, and I was
trying to contain myself, justifying myself, but then, she attacked me on a
trifle, a stupid thing, which would never have been an issue with anyone else
in this office.
I had enough of being humiliated like in front of the whole office (we
are sitting each other), she had completely alienated me. I completely freaked
out, and I left the office. She said: sit down, we are not finished! I said yes
we are, I’m getting out of here, for at least five minutes, I’ll be back.
She jumped in the boss’ wife office, God knows what she said in there.
Unmanageable, unreasonable, not willing to accept my authority, taking forever
to do anything, we’ve got a problem: insubordination. The kind of problem which
can only have one issue: here is the door, have a nice life somewhere else.
Somehow I feel I have not heard the end of this, and I have to wait a
whole week before telling them that I am leaving one month later. Unless she
backs off, and get off my back, this turn sour much before the end of next
week.
AS she wanted all this to be so public, I certainly fought back in a
very public way. I practically shouted that she came here and attacked me, and
that her management style was very different from what I’ve been used to in
this office. I said I had been here six months, and I had no problem. And now I
find I have to justify everything I am doing every minute of the day. Being
criticized in front of everyone every five minutes for something I did wrong. I
simply cannot even make one phone call without having her next to me,
criticizing it! As a result I can no longer do my job. I have lost all
motivation, I do not want to call anywhere anymore. I also said: look, don’t
worry about me, I have done so many extra hours for my two last events, working
on weekends, I will get the work done! What a mess.
All I could think of while she was spitting on me was: how long before I
can go to lunch? How long before the end of the day? How long before I leave
this country? And also, what my boss said initially: I expect you to listen to
her and obey everything she says. I failed miserably. If they had any doubt if
it was a mistake to put me under her, now they must be certain of it. And yet,
I don’t expect them to change anything to their new structure, he fastest I can
let them know I am leaving, the better. But I have to wait until I get paid and
have the money in my hands. Because knowing them, they might very well not pay
me, to compensate for having paid my plane ticket, the immigration lawyer and
one month accommodation.
Her style of management is like a teacher in a kindergarten. And despite
all my efforts to contain myself, it is unsustainable, I can’t remain passive
in front of such injustice coming from a control freak. I don’t want to know
how the rest of the day will go, or the rest of the week for that matter. I’m
pretty sure that tonight, before I leave, they will call me in the office to
discuss my burst, and I have nothing to say in my defense. The Manager always
right, I have a problem, insubordination. Now, the only thing that could save
me, is that in the last five months I never burst out like this, I have always
been able to contain myself. And, I’m hoping it is not the first time that
people have exploded like this in her face, then they might understand that she
might also have a problem. But they’re in love with her, they wanted to promote
her for such a long time, I have no doubt that if they have to make a decision,
I’ll be the one being sacked. I just wish that I may be able to tell them that
I am leaving, before they sack me. Because then, I will not be able to mention
on my CV that I worked in
I really wonder what kind of boss I would be, if I start that business
and end up hiring people. One thing for sure, I have learned enough about what
not to be, and I just hope I won’t turn out to be a control freak losing all my
employees every week.
I’m back now. The day from hell is finally over. And if think this was
bad, tomorrow will be even worse. I left 4 minutes before my time, to make sure
they would not come exactly at 5 pm and asked me in the office. I have noticed
that they always ask me to come in at exactly 5 pm, and everyone who has been
sacked, has been told at the end of the day.
I did not give them the chance. I know this is all they have been
talking about all afternoon. All the employees, and all the bosses. As soon as
the crisis was over, the Chinese Girl jumped in the bosses office, they in
return went immediately to lunch to discuss it, then they had a long meeting
this afternoon to talk even more about it, and obviously after all that, if
they have not taken a decision on this case, I would be a lucky bastard indeed.
In fact, all these meetings must have meant that they had a big decision
to make, I could very well lose my job tomorrow. In a way it would be perfect,
and yet, I would have preferred to leave them instead of being shown the door.
Very ironic that I was going to announce it within a week, such bad timing!
I have cleaned my files at work (I deleted all my personal files), I
have put in a little mountain all my personal affairs, I could now leave this
office forever within 30 seconds, less than it took me to destroy my promising
career with the big plans they had for me, as they said last week. I have also
noted that I don’t need to bring any of my stuff home, I could leave it there
too. It will be less embarrassing than for the sales guy, who in six years had
so much stock accumulated in his drawers, on his shelves and on his walls, that
I reckon he must have needed three boxes, and a good half an hour.
I have been sacked many times before in my life, am I the exception?
Every time though, it was not obvious, many times I left just before they were
going to sacked me, when I felt that this was it, I had somehow once again
crossed the line. I don’t know many people who have not been sacked at least
once in their lives, and I don’t know many people who have not been facing this
situation at some point. In fact, I know almost nobody who loves their jobs and
have no problems whatsoever. And I’m afraid to say, perhaps there are no
solutions to these problems. Not in our actual social system of hierarchy,
that’s for sure.
So, tomorrow my great dream of
If I were wise, tomorrow I would be sick, telling them that I had a big
fever and could not sleep all night. Which is most likely to be true anyway. It
would prevent them from sacking me, they might forget about it on Friday. It
could also very much play against me, convince them that I need to go. So I
have to go and face whatever disciplinary they intend for me. Maybe that is
what they have established all afternoon, their new disciplinary procedures, I
know we have none. Usually you need to make one big mistake, and they kick you
out. Why bother with disciplinary procedures when you can do that with any
employee?
What kills me most, is how the Valley Girl and the Spanish Guy seemed to
have enjoyed the show. The big entertainment. They feed on that, like vultures.
I met the Valley Girl in the corridor, and she made a big smile, a weird noise,
and some weird face like the ones you see on cute squirrels. She’s anything but
a cute squirrel, and yet, it must have been her embarrassment of seeing me
there that created that reaction. And for the Spanish Boy, he seems to have
spent the whole afternoon asking questions to the Chinese Girl, proving that he
could work very well with her, to the point of making everyone who saw this
sick to their stomach.
Of course, if the Spanish Boy knew the definition I have for people like
him, he might reconsider his actions, and wish for a bit more autonomy and
dignity. He is only an assistant after all, and still is after the new
structure. He is a Yes Mam kind of guy, and spends most of the day kissing the
ass of his Manager. That makes him a creep from my point of view. And the word
is not strong enough. A loser might be more adequate, since through his lack of
personality, he has been trying hard to prove to everyone that he was cool,
when he is just a poor kid without any real potential. I could be wrong, and I
hope for him that I am, God knows what he will accomplish in his life. Right
now, he is a sucker, and unaware of it.
Despite my mistakes, despite the consequences, when I was thinking back
about it, I was actually proud of myself. I was proud to have stand on my two
feet and told the bitch what I really though of her management skills. Yes, I
shouted it, I freaked out, I left the office, I lacked the respect Manager’s
are due, I was insubordinate, I will be sacked for it, but I will not take any
shit from anyone, I will not let anyone walk all over me just because I need
the job or the money. I have some self respect, I have my dignity, and this
less than I can say for everyone else in that office who suffer in silence and
accept how small they are.
I just finished reading a book by Dan Brown. It gave me some sense of
finality. I have reached another stage of my crisis. Astonishment by my own
behavior. I simply cannot believe or even understand how and why I acted like
this today. It was so out of line, that even though earlier I did not really
they would kick me out, now I virtually certain that they will.
I was way too extreme, so loud as well, and so melodramatic when I left
the office the office and came back later. And her word, saying that I was not
professional, and this what she told my bosses, of course, it is over. They
cannot let that pass, impossible. So what the hell went through my head?
The thing is, the behavior of those girls, and they can get away with
it, is even more puzzling. You have there those two women with the most
strident voice, pushing, pushing, pushing all the time, walking around, talking
without thinking, causing problems after problems just for fun, and creating
big crisis out of nothing. And you are supposed to stand there and be alienated
completely all day long, until they dig further and then you lose your mind,
and you are no longer responsible for what you do. In my case, not being a
violent man, it was done on words. More unlucky bastard in that situation might
have decided to hit her! Crushing that little perfect Chinese face until it
shuts up. And at the end of the day, they get away with the verbal abuse, but
you don’t. You are the one who overacted, crossed the line, insulted them by
saying what you really thought. And then they report you, you’re gone, and they
move to the next victim. Talking, pushing, alienating, being unreasonable,
etc., until they themselves explode as well, and then they’re gone.
I feel a bit ore reassured that the exact same thing happened to the
Sales guy. It is not just me. Nearly a dozen were sacked since I started, all
at the hands of those two girls. And if they sack me tomorrow, I will tell
them. I will tell them that I don’t mind leaving, but as my last report as your
Consultant Management for one more minute, let me tell you, in the interest of
your business, get rid of those two girls, or else, you’ll never find anyone
willing or capable of surviving longer than six months under your roof. And as
a last prediction, I will tell them that the Valley Girl has already made it
clear she was jealous of the new guy, the Iranian, and she will definitely try
to get him sacked. And so I will them, when the time comes to decide if you
should let him or not, do yourself a favor, keep him, get rid of her. And see
if six months later that kid does not shine and make this office a real
success.
Of course, he has the great advantage of smoking pot or whatever else
all the time, I think he is stone most of the time, not sure on what drugs
exactly. So when the strident voices are ringing in his ears, he probably only
hear a distant cry, and it does not affect him in the slightest. Lucky him. I
wish I drank myself to death the night before, I might have been able to
prevent myself from reacting the way I did today. It’s too late now.
I acted very unprofessionally today, I admit it, I regret immensely. And
yet, I will not apologize this time I am asked to apologize. I will not fight it
either, I will simply pack my things and go. Try working all the overtime God’s
sent, rushing to reach deadlines, working like crazy for months on end, and
having this annoying person suddenly coming to you, digging, suggesting you’re
not doing your job, wasting time, being incompetent, in front of everyone, in
this strident voice, humiliating you when you were virtually just demoted by
being moved under her. And let’s see how you would keep your calm in that
situation, without some powerful pills to induce you to some ort of zombie
state. I knew it was going to happen, she knew it was going to happen, my
bosses knew it was going to happen. Or else, we would not had a little
conversation of two hours about how I was expected to obey her in all, that she
was my boss, and that one day it will be my turn. No thanks. You asked for it,
it happened. Not just sack me and let me be. This is six months of my life
completely wasted, one of my biggest failures in life, and I will have to live
with it for the rest of my existence. Living in regret for that day where I
simply could no longer stand it. That famous minute where, after months of
being backstabbed by just about everyone, I exploded. And now, don’t even ask
why, don’t try to understand the real chain of events here. Just protect your
little perfect Managers, just eliminate the recalcitrant, the marginal.
And that is how my new company will be called: The Marginal. Very
appropriate. No one will ever have a job title in my company. Identified tasks,
yes, but no titles. It’s maybe nothing, but it is a symbolic start. Now, how
could I get of this system of hierarchy? How can I avoid all that crap that
made my life such a misery in the last 30 years? It is not going to be easy, it
will have to be done, decided, built as I go along, and the name of my company
should remind me at all time to try to do things differently, try for a little
of happiness now and then, and a lot of leeway.
I need to make sure, that if ever this become a huge empire, my company
will be one where everyone will be pleased to work for. And it is not with nice
words and company charts of rules and regulations that you accomplish that, or
by stating in your huge PR and image campaigns: Our People is our Biggest Asset,
because we all know it is a lie and that you would move quickly to kill anyone
opening his mouth, just like I did today. And we should never have reached the
point where I could no longer contain myself. This is it, this chain of
extraordinary events, this pressure building up for months, until it needed to
be released. No good. How could this be prevented? Very difficult.
There are solutions, I will find them. And I doubt I will find any
answers in any of those books about How to Develop Great Management Skills. It
obviously does not work, or else, we would smile once in a while. It is like
Karl Marx, nice in theories, could never work in practice. Because it seems
that we never take into account human nature when we develop these grandiose
schemes. And human nature does not forgive, it is unpredictable, uncontrollable,
it is a bastard.
I had the solution, I written it all in my dozens reports. It would have
worked for this company, but they chose to ignore most of it, and many more
people will lose their job there before this year is over. I am only one in a
series, granted I’ll be the one leaving the most spectacularly, but I am still
only one in a series. And if this does not prove that this company is the
problem, then what does? All of those unemployed people? Tell that to the
judge.
At least I am not leaving empty ended. I have two more books, perhaps
three. Never been so productive in so short a time, again I have been living at
a speed unlike any other human being. And still found the time to write so much
about it despite the fact that I don’t have any time for myself, I’m not
sleeping anymore. It is just unfortunate that these books I have spent so much
time writing are not the publishing type, and so will never be published. So
again, it is still kind of a big waste of time. It is still a nice consolation,
I did get something out of that hell that was for me
23 March 2006
It is such a great day today in Los Angeles, the sun is shining and
warm, the palm trees are so inviting, even the traffic seems less aggressing
than usual. It is beautiful. Obviously nature has no idea of what is in the
making in these offices.
I have not heard of any meeting at the end of the day yet, but they
never tell you until it is time for the meeting. Whether there is a meeting or
not, tomorrow I’ll be sick. I already mentioned it to the Chinese Girl, that my
brain was not working, that I thought I was sick.
I just spoke with Stephen in
Now I’m truly depressed, backed into a corner, my life has gone to hell.
Of course, it was not the time to speak to him, he is under a lot of pressure
himself, he will find out tomorrow if he gets back his job or not. Maybe once
he knows his own faith, he might see more clearly about my own. At the moment,
there is only darkness on both sides of the ocean, three sides actually, all
the oceans of the world.
It is already time for me to go back. This is going to be more difficult
than I thought. God only knows what I will be saying here tonight when I come
back in a few hours.
All right, I’m back! Do I still have my job? Well, let’s build some
suspense. I received an email before I left home from my boss, asking me to go
into his office as soon as I got back from lunch. Fortunately for me, it went
directly not into my spam folder, but my second undesirable emails, the
protection from Outlook. I never read emails reaching the second spam folder, I
know it is all pure crap. And sure enough, that email belongs there. So, I was
not freak out just before reaching the office. And then, even before I read his
email in my inbox at work, he came to get me.
I was so humble when I entered his office, it was a dark contrast from
my yesterday’s outburst. So, we sat down, he asked me what happened. So I told
him that I felt I had been demoted, it was difficult to accept orders from the
Chinese Girl, and she did not make that transition very easy. She instantly
took control, patronizing, accusing me of incompetence, basically she was not
very professional, she was rubbing it in. And then at some point I just
exploded. I said I was sorry, that I do intend to work well with her, and that
it would never happen again (until next time, that is, not sure how I will be
able to stop myself).
He was so nice to me, I could barely believe my ears. A complete change
from when, at Christmas, he was asking me why he was paying me $1,250 a week if
I was not doing anything (when in fact I was working like crazy), and asking me
to work all over the Christmas period (only three days off in all). I know he
can be harsh, unforgivable, to the point. But he was sweet, making sure he was
not going to make me explode again, maybe he thought I could very well react
like I did the day before.
So in all I told him her management skills were not that great and she
had come up to me very hard. She was not very professional, the exact same
thing she must have told them. I did not go any further, I did not say anymore
that I needed to. I actually I praised her more that I wanted to, saying that
she was very efficient and that together I was certain we would achieve great
things. He was very pleased to hear that, he exhibited some expression, with a
smile, that I had never seen before. Satisfaction, for a decision well made by
promoting her.
So I was safe, I was not going to be sacked. I was starting to wonder if
I could actually get away with murder, perhaps I should have hit her, like
every fiber in my body was stretching for. I am only joking here, I am not so
unethical, and I can control myself. As my friend Leonardo said tonight, they
obviously finally realized just how important I am for their new structure in
that company. They must really feel that I am worth something, or else, I would
be out the door by now. So I take this as a significant admission that my
services have been at least to their expectations, hopefully more. And now I am
right back where I was, it will be difficult to announce that I am leaving next
week.
Something I said in that meeting, which I would not have said, Stephen
told me to say so when I called him at lunch time. I said that I felt this was
a demotion, which has made the whole process of the Chinese Girl becoming my
boss much more difficult to accept.
He was surprised by this statement, it never entered his mind that I
could have a reticence working under her. It certainly right there explained
everything. My outburst, his incomprehension, his blindness that it was coming,
and it was obvious to everyone but him. Maybe that explains why bosses need many
consultants before making any decisions, and yet, they manage to always make
the wrong decision. Because consultants have no clue about what really goes on,
the interactions and little mind games lasting for months on end.
How could be a demotion? I was a Management Consultant, I am now an
Event Producer. I was first directly under the Director, then under the Senior
Manager, and now under the Conference Manager without experience. And yet, she
knows everything about what needs to be done, I know nothing. So this demotion
is more psychological than anything, it is mostly also because of whom I am now
under. A woman out of control who has already tried to get me sacked before,
for no good reason.
In all this, I thought someone not affected by it all, was the Senior
Manager. Now I understand his predicament. He is as good as dead, the Chinese
Girl succeeded in destroying him, and as she is taking over all his
conferences, and the two persons he was supervising, every day she makes
greater discoveries to prove her point. That he was plain incompetent and was
not doing anything that we were supposed to do. I have so much to do for my
first two conferences now, it is madness. No wonder he did not care about any
of it. I also know that at any given time, he was dealing with 10 conferences,
how could he remember everything? I know my boss was always having these
meetings with us, where he would tell us all that we had to do all of these
things, and get that next brochure to print yesterday. In these conditions, of
course we would never had the time to do all that the Chinese Girl is now
asking us to do.
It is the second, in as many meetings, that my bosses put the Senior
Manager down. The first time, two weeks ago, they said that he could speak
anymore because of his speech impediment (that I reckoned they cause by
freaking him out), and he was also always talking bollocks. I defended him
then, I said that everything he ever told me was justified and he knew what he
was doing (of course, I did not know we were supposed to do ten times more on
each event, including the whole marketing).
Today my boss said something that made everything click. He said that in
December, less than a month before a conference, the contract with the hotel
had not been signed, and therefore, we could not hold the conference in that
hotel. They had to pay a huge fortune to another hotel in
And now that I know that, I understand that I caused his downfall. In my
ignorance, I showed all is mistakes and all his shortcomings. I cannot here
mention them all, but I can mention the most significant ones. I told the
Valley Girl that his conference programs were just copies of our competitors
events, even the speaker line up was stolen. Well, it now seems that she work
very hard telling everyone in the office, in particular the Chinese Girl who
seemed to have been collecting all the right reasons to destroy the man, and
finally take his place.
And what made it all worse and complete, his destruction, apart from
every time the Chinese Girl asks me to do something I have to say that it is
the first time I hear of this, is that very reason I exploded yesterday. What I
thought as insignificant, and that she was so insistent was not, was right at
the heart of the problem.
The Senior Manager told me last week which hotel m conference would be
at. I assumed he signed the contract and sent it back. So when I called to find
out why the conference was not in the system and that a delegate could not book
a room at a discount, and when I was told the contract had not been signed and
returned, I interrupted a meeting between the Senior Manager and my boss, to
ask if the contract had been signed. It has not been. You can imagine the
impact it had on my boss, considering what happened in December.
So not knowing anything about anything, when the Chinese Girl came to me
to blame me of having called the hotel, before speaking first with the people
in the office about if the contract had been signed or not, I had no clue why
this was so important. Big Deal, the contract had not been signed yet, it was
going to be in the next five minutes, and the hotel was going to update their
system. It was not important, why was she trying to blame me for something,
accusing of something? Why was she creating such a fuss over such an
insignificant thing? I shouted many times in the office, so loudly that every
other offices in the building must have heard, that I assumed that the contract
had been signed, all right? The Senior Manager told me it was that hotel, I
assumed he had signed the contract. He had not, so what, big deal! Little I
knew, that by shouting that, I was making it even worse for the Senior Manager.
I don’t know if he was in the room when I exploded, I don’t know if he heard
all that. It must have been one of the most painful moment of his life, that’s
for sure. I was not the one pushing this, it was the Chinese Girl, making a big
deal out of this when I felt it was not necessary. I now understand why it was
necessary to make a big deal out of it, and I certainly sealed his fate by
exploding on that very final point of the Chinese Girl. The whole thing almost
got me sacked. It freaked everybody out, including the Chinese Girl. It was
another big crisis over a damn unsigned contract about a venue. The guy is
finished. I did it without knowing, without having a clue, or else I would have
never have exploded like this on that very point. I would have done anything to
protect him. And I defended in that office in front of the boss. I said that he
was a good manager, and we were in constant communication by email about
everything I had to do, and I never had to wait to learn what it is I had to
do.
Now I feel bad. I destroyed the man. Obviously because he was careless.
He destroyed himself really, I just, I would have liked to protect him, because
he is nice, he has a family, a huge house that now is worth a fortune, but a
huge mortgage to pay. He’s been there 10 years, he needs this job, and since he
never told me anything about his situation, I inadvertently made all his
shortcomings shine into the light. Giving the perfect opportunity to the
Chinese Girl to prove it and take over. Now I feel bad. I even shouted that her
management skills were very much different from what I had been used to, when I
was very much left to my own devices. And now she wants to know everything I do
at any given minute of the day. Well, that was the point that cost him his
position, he is not manager material, my boss said.
And at the end of the day, I asked the Valley Girl, are they sacking
him? She said she did not know what was going on. She has been much nicer to me
since the promotion of the Chinese Girl. She said that obviously she did not
count for much in that organization (I sure hope not! She tried her best to
destroy everything in the last few months), and then I said I did not either,
and then we looked at the cubicle of the Chinese Girl, and she said: except
her.
The Chinese Girl is efficient, she does not waste her time. And if she
destroys you, it is because she feels you deserve it. The Valley Girl destroys
people’s life out of being bored I think. She likes to cause problems for the
heck of it or when she feels she is threatened. Both girls are highly
dangerous, but the Chinese Girl does not realize what she does, when she is
pushy, she shouts all the time as her normal voice, so nobody is surprised when
she is actually freaking out, out loud, it is natural to her personality. Bad
management too. She is the lesser of two evils. That company is doomed.
And now let’s talk about the Sweet Chinese Girl. I’m so pleased she is
my only ally with Isabella in the office, and that they are good friends. The
Sweet one is in the same predicament as me. We were both under the Senior
Manager, and we are now both under Master Bitch Chinese Girl. We have both
moved into overdrive when she took over, and we have so much to do, we just
don’t understand why we are not simply declaring Game Over, and leave right on
the spot.
At some point during the day, after yet another email from the Chinese
Girl to both of us, about other stuff we needed to do about already printed
conferences, the Sweet one freaked out a bit. And the New One kind of joked and
wrote a note: don’t quit! She put that message on her computer screen, and then
the Director saw it. They had meetings about it, they freaked out that the
restructure might not only cause me to leave, after my outburst, but now it was
the other Sweet Chinese Girl. We were both on edge, after the Chinese Girl ram
in there asking from us the impossible.
So the Sweet Chinese Girl was called in the office, she was asked if she
wanted to quit or what? They were begging her to stay, and she had to explain
it was all a joke, and how it came to be, that suddenly she was panicking
because of the Chinese Girl. And so it looked bad on the Chinese Girl, it sort
of proved that my explosion was justified, since both the new persons under
her, it was suggested, were about to quit or be sacked because of her
inexistent management skills. No doubt this helped me no end, and my boss told
me they talked with her about that, about the way she handled us, and that she
needed to be more careful.
And what did she do after all that? She sent another email to both the
Sweet Chinese Girl and I, with the worst of all! Something extraordinary, a
list that long of things to do, not once, but twice, 10 long time consuming
marketing piece to produce and write, for two conferences each that the Sweet
One and I are now responsible for. When we now nothing about the topic of these
events, that was the job of the Senior Manager. Well, if the Chinese Girl has
any vague intention of quitting, I know now it has become a certainty. Especially
the way it came: I know you are sinking under everything you have to do, but
stop all that, and please before the end of the day produce these 20 marketing
pieces for the media partners! There were two hours left in the day. We both
left right on time, meaning, we’re not ready to do any overtime for Master
Bitch. Otherwise, we would still be working all over the weekend.
I don’t know what is going to happen next, I don’t know how it will go
next week. I don’t even know if I will leave in a month. It is quite possible
that I will remain longer. Stephen is obsessed with money, my return would mean
he would have to support me, he can’t, so he is pushing for me to remain
longer. So I might, I don’t mind. Makes no difference to me, I kind of enjoy my
life in
26 March 2006
It is Sunday night again, I am starting to feel the panic of going back
to work. Fortunately I don’t feel it is as bad as it was last week, or the
weeks before. I am beginning to have a radar capable of telling me when the
next week is going to be a real nightmare, or just a normal week. It is true
that before any terrible events at work, I felt it the night before, or on my
way to work after lunch time, I have never been mistaken. Well, it is also true
that usually they have a good reason to get me in the office, because of my
past actions. However, it is definitely some sort of sixth sense, I can predict
how they will be certain days or weeks, as if I knew my destiny, or that if
nothing happened for quite a while, you can bet they finally reached some sort
of plan to make it much worse, since this is all they appear capable of doing.
I did not go to work on Friday, I had three days off and I read Timeline
of Michael Crichton. I thought it would help me evade my reality, but it did
not work. Then I played Gabriel Knight 3, The Blood of the Sacred, which
perhaps Dan Brown played before writing Da Vinci Code, since it is the exact
same story. I thought walking around Rennes-Le-Château in the South of France,
in the country of the Cathars and Merovingians, might definitely do the trick,
and make me forget the hell I am in. I think it only reminded me how far I was
from France, and how long it would be before I can go back there as a tourist,
on the Canal du Midi, visiting Castelnaudary Castle.
Whatever I do, I can no longer escape my reality. In
I just devised a plan, I need to get back the Spanish Guy on my side. I
will go and apologize to him and get back on a friendly tone. I heard him
complain on Friday, I believe, about the Chinese Girl, it seems that he turned
against her, re-enforced by how I exploded in her face last Wednesday. I think
he finally realized that the problem was not him, but her. And since we are
three now against her, he seems to have taken the opportunity to empty his bag
in front of the bosses. I may be dreaming all that, I’m not sure who he was
talking about to the Black Guy. And I don’t know either what I will tell him
when I will go and apologize to him for whatever it is that I said that freaked
him out. Not hard to tell, I said something about the fact that he was gay, and
the problem is, he is, but does not want to tell anyone. So somehow he had to
stop me from convincing the whole office that he was. And now, how can I
apologize to that? Especially when the Valley Girl in the background repeats
that what I said was sexual harassment. God knows where she gets these ideas.
More headaches.
Stephen in
28 March 2006
Today I made peace with everyone at work. I sort of apologized publicly
to the Spanish Boy, we appear to have resumed making fun of each other, without
crossing the line this time. My strike of silence was only supposed to last a
week, however he also went of strike and we have been a few weeks without
talking to each other. We’re almost sitting next to each other, it has been
very difficult. I’m glad I’m the one who took the initiative to correct this
situation, even if really he is the one who backstabbed me to the bosses. I had
however insulted him. So we were to both to blame I guess, now this is all
behind. And Isabella is over happy about it, her two friends are friends again.
I also had some sort of normal conversation with the Chinese Girl, where
I understood that every single word I shouted at her really had gone down into
her psyche, and today she said that I would not have to work that hard in the
future, that we’re almost finished with those two conferences, and everything
will be fine. I guess the old trick worked, saying you do a lot of overtime,
even you don’t, still works, they believe it. I have not done one minute of
overtime since I have been transferred to her, in fact, I barely worked at all.
Once I finish all that marketing crap, I will resume working as usual. Whenever
you do something for the first time, and you’re not quite certain of what you
are doing, it is very difficult to be motivated and to do it quickly. So now
what I am doing from the beginning to the end, I sure will be able to do
everything faster.
I also told her that I had said to the boss that I felt she was very
efficient and good at what she does. Funny, I again saw on her face some weird
expression that I never witness coming her before. Hopefully it won’t go to her
head, but is it not extraordinary how the simple of compliment can go a long
way to restoring your nightmare?
Even the Valley Girl has now calmed down and has become my ally. They
continuously pick on her at the moment, every hour now she’s got some meeting where
they tell her to do everything differently, and convince her that everything
she does is wrong. Not surprising, she is so incompetent, compared with the
Chinese Girl, I’m glad they finally figured that out. That huge Internet thingy
she suggested will be a monumental flop. It will be so painful to see it crash,
all that money down the drain. What were they thinking when they believed her
when she came back one day after thinking for one long minute about it, telling
them it was the next best thing? They’re trying to confirm someone from Google
right now, none of them want to do it, and anyway, who would want to hear about
Google? I can’t think of anything more boring.
She came back from a long meeting today where the Chinese Girl was in
it, as the big overall Manager of the place, and she said at her desk
afterwards that every single suggestions she made in that meeting, was rejected
and ridiculed. She stated that she would need a whole bottle of Brandy tonight,
and as some sort of complicity I said that I would also be drinking a lot
tonight, as I have in the last few weeks.
My outburst last week against the Chinese Girl must have filled her with
envy, I’m sure this is what she has been waiting to do herself, but cannot, or
else she would not be there the next day. I exploded for all of them last week,
also for the demoted Senior Manager, the Sweet Chinese Girl and the Spanish
Guy. I might have alienated the whole management, but I certainly made a lot of
new friends, who before that were lost to me.
A complicity with the Valley Girl is not easy, it comes at a price. She
always feels the need to complain against management, and I don’t like to do
that either at work or with colleagues. I am always very superficial in the
office, making unrelated jokes on about everything, except work. Until my panic
attack last week, none of them had any idea about how I really felt inside.
That I was ready to explode for a long time. They thought I was the perfect
sheep, in line, happy go lucky, peaceful, while I was dying inside. No wonder I
can be so negative in my writings, it needs to come out somehow, otherwise I
would have exploded the very first week and I would never have lasted that
long.
Everything now is peaceful for me. I hope it will last, I have reason to
believe that it will. Good. I always leave a job after the thunderstorm, never
during. Like if it was only time to move on once everything is all fine, I am
appreciated, I appreciate them, we’ve all become friends, we all got it out of
our system, and then it seems there is not much to learn anymore about human
nature. And hence, it is time to move on, go and learn somewhere else.
I know it is time to move on, when I have finished writing two books
about any period of my life. And they are finished now. My third one is half
finished, but that one will take longer, it is about the other side of
I am a bit worried that I am still her for a month or two, and yet I
have already started on my endings for both of my books. Surely more stuff will
happen? Would I not simply repeat myself? Perhaps I could concentrate instead
on writing that fictitious novel? Good idea, I could only start it. I did, I
was not happy with the opening stance, and yet I read it again and I thought it
was ok. Guess I will have to rewrite it. I think I will change my whole idea.
More thinking is necessary for that one. I guess I also have to work on my future
conferences, if I really want that business to see the light of day. I need a
damn good idea, there also. I need to think outside the box, a paranormal
science conference will flop, I know that. It’s no good. I am so free right now
to do whatever I want with this business, I really need a great idea that
cannot fail. I need to think some more.
The key are the speakers. They need to be well-known, recognizable
instantly, on a hot topic debated in the newspapers every day. And it cannot
take place a year later, I cannot risk it not being in the actuality after
that. Need to think some more. Need to read all the newspapers for the last six
months and figure it out.
Won’t be easy, I have been so disconnected, I am not even watching TV
anymore. In
And for the newspapers, the first thing you learn when you move country,
is that whatever appears in the biggest paper around where you live, none of
that would be in the newspapers of where you were before. And then, you
understand that it is useless to read newspapers, they don’t report the news,
or these news are insignificant. You will survive if you don’t read any of it.
And I’m not worried, if the President of the
3 April 2006
My godmother just sent me an email,
she is the only one really who has kept contact with me since I am in Los
Angeles, apart from my mother who never called me in the last 15 years whilst I
was in Europe, and must have found out that calling Los Angeles from Québec as
actually as cheap as calling Montréal. So now she is calling me every two weeks
with a revenge.
Since my answers to my godmother
form a good résumé of my actual situation, I thought I would share it with you.
-Hello!!! How do you feel?
-I feel ok. I felt bad recently at
work, I thought they were going to sack me, in fact I was quite sure since I
exploded in the office at some point. However I must have proved myself more essential
than they let on, because it looks like I can get away with murder. At the
moment there are not many problems at work, we finally moved to another room,
we have new desks, more space and more privacy, which I like. However there is
a lot of work to be done and obviously I am doing a lot of overtime. I was in
-How is your life in
-Well, to be honest, I have not
done much, or gone anywhere, really. I just stay in my apartment most of the
time, writing books. I have written two books and a half since I am here, and
usually when I finish two books (one fiction, the other non-fiction), I usually
move on almost by magic, as if I had nothing else to learn and my life/destiny
was suddenly bringing me somewhere else. I’m reaching a point where I have
nothing left to write about, otherwise I would simply repeat myself. So I think
I have reached my limit here. Funny that I could have been so prolific in such
a short time. A lot has happened. I have not yet met the big writers/producers
I was supposed to meet, I don’t really care to meet them, I still have this
film script that I am writing with that actor/musician, and they are his
friends. So it does not matter if I meet his great friends or not, the film
script could still be sold sometimes this year, even if I am back in
-Is there any good reason to be
there longer?
-No. I have made my contacts in
-Do you think to go back to
-In fact, I was debating with Stephen
today if I should give my notice in right now, and go back to
-There are many questions, but the
most important is, are you on your dream path right now, and are you happy?
-I don’t know. I think it will take
a while to truly understand the consequences of coming to
***
I’m drinking
Either some new crisis are about to
happen, which I hope not, or else this blog is coming to an end. We’ll see. I guess
this conference is
I will have to watch what I am
writing while there, I could easily end up in prison. Every single rave in that
State end up with the police arresting everyone, I was reading recently, and
that, despite the fact that everything is completely legal with all the permits
in order. If it ain’t country music, you must be worshipping the devil, and
your place is in hell.
Should be interesting. I think I
will move my film script about a bunch of old women striking and freaking out
in front of a porno shop from
6 April 2006
I had already set myself to the
idea that this blog was almost over. However more stuff and crisis will happen
between now and the next two months that I will be in
Not much to report at work, despite
that fact that I am in my new office space, and under new management. My
to-do-list is a mile long, and I have been told today by Master Bitch (the
Chinese Girl), that I was not fast enough to achieve my tasks. Is it my fault
if suddenly I have to transcribe a 45 minutes conversation on tape, of highly
complicated stuff about Nuclear Power? And then have to book a plane ticket for
a stupid delegate who let his assistant decide for him, and both of us are
there wondering in the 100 different possibilities at hand what to choose, when
neither of us really know? Took me a whole afternoon. And another afternoon to
write my five personal goals I am supposed to achieve before the end of the
year. Looking at my to-do-list, and how I don’t have the time to do anything, I
know very well that none of my corporate goals will ever be achieved, and I can
tell: goodbye bonus at the end of the year. But no worry, I won’t be here
anymore at the end of the year to collect that bonus anyway. I predict that not
many of us will still be working there at the end of the year.
I also understand that they have
not followed my reports, because now they have made a big mistake. Before there
were six people actively working at producing conferences, and now three of
them have stopped completely under the pretence of doing research and finding
sponsors and managing people. We have moved from Managers actively producing
events, to Managers doing nothing, like it is in just about every big company
around the globe.
The Director is said to now be doing
research, he is not, I am. The ex-Senior Manager is said to be doing research.
He is not, I am. They are said to also find new topics for conferences. They
are not, not only they have all been identified for the next ten years, but the
new one here and there, we are all in charge of finding them. That leaves
sponsorship for the Director. Then again, who’s doing the sponsorship? I am.
What are those two going to do now? Take it easy, as they feel they deserve,
after working there for over ten years.
Let’s look at the third one, the Manager,
newly promoted to Managing the four others. She is no longer producing any
event, she supervises us producing them. Her duties on top of that? Writing a
conference procedure manual, developing processes, basically, the job of a
management consultant. Who did that for the last six months? I did. She can
just take it all, adapt it to the company over a weekend, job done.
None, ingenious of them, there are
still over 50 conferences to produce this year. I am just a bit over in the
hierarchy than the three remaining ones, I am responsible for all the big
events, they are in charge of the smaller conferences. I have to make $85,000
per event, they need to make $21,000 per event. I have more to produce than all
three united. They are still just assistants with more responsibilities, they
won’t be assisting me, I am very much alone to dig all these sponsors and
marketing deals on my own, on top of writing the conference programs,
researching them and confirming the speakers. Maybe they think I will be working
over 100 hours a week for them? I’m laughing. No wonder Master Bitch though I
was not working faster. I’m already late on my next 30 conferences for the
year.
Let’s look at the Valley Girl now.
She is responsible for another guy who’s doing everything under her
supervision, so she can still go all around the office and talk all day, as
usual. Together they will produce two big fair a year which I have already
identified as big flops. So they are a waste of time, money and productivity.
In a few words, this whole company
has got only one employee producing all their events, all their hopes on only
one person, me! The only one actually producing worthy conferences. Without any
bonuses, without any incentives, without really be the role I was hired for. No
wonder they did not sack me when I exploded! I’m the only one who’s actually
going to do anything in that place. That was their big plan for me! I guess all
the Directors and Senior Managers were patiently waiting for a big fish to
arrive to dump all their responsibilities and duties on him.
I also guess they haven’t realize
yet that I am not that fish, I’m planning my way out, and they’re lucky it did
not happen at the beginning of this week, either me being sacked or my
announcing my return to the UK.
Funny, they got that poor little
Jewish Boy, all right, he looked weird, he is a big reject of society, lost in
his fantasy world, they too in Research thought they had found their fish with
him. They dumped on him more and more responsibilities, getting him to call all
day delegates to try to confirm them to attend conferences. Without discussion
the worst job there is in conferences, perhaps after confirming sponsors. He
did say after all that he was month without a job, and would be pleased to
break his back for them to prove that he was a great element and team player
Well, he has shown signs lately
that he was becoming quite impatient with everyone, even customers. It is no
secret that everyone in Research just hate the blue eye boy that the bosses
seem to think will become big in there. Well, he’s been sick for at least six
days in the last three weeks, again today. And not even on days following each
other. For examples, on three Friday’s in a row. Looks bad, really bad. Looks
good on the other researchers, suddenly they feel they have won the war over
the Jewish Boy. They did not try to impress the boss, so they did not inherit
impossible tasks to accomplish. No one is expecting anything from them,
tomorrow there is no one to answer the phone, the Admin Director did not even
think of them. I’ll be the receptionist tomorrow. I guess they only need to
show up at work, do nothing, and it still looks good. Compared with the Blue
Eye Jewish Boy who’s now sick to death of the place and is about to announce
that he is not coming back, which will be most welcomed by the bosses, I’m
sure. I did much less before being called in the office.
Let’s talk about my move into the
second main room. I love it, I no longer have the Valley Girl on my back,
sitting next to me, driving me crazy. She caught up with me in the kitchen
yesterday to tell me that the Customer Service girl (the receptionist) and her,
missed me terribly, it is no longer funny in their corner anymore. I always
knew I was an acquired taste, that despite my rough edges, as she said in
In my new corner it is not fun
either. I am surrounded by two backstabbers who would love to see me disappear.
The Chinese Girl and the Spanish Guy. On the other corner I have the Black Guy,
who’s been driving me crazy by spying on me since I arrived here. And to top it
off, I have my boss and his wife in their offices, listening to everything we
say at all time. They could hear us before, but it was less obvious. The room
is smaller now, they don’t miss a word. I have to be on my best behavior at all
time. Much more stressful.
I no longer go to the kitchen, it
is far, I have to cross my office, pass in front of the offices of both my
bosses, in front of their spy, and then the main room is so open now, everyone
looks at me. I only drink two coffees a day now, I might bring a thermos and do
my coffee at home. Hence, I only go to the toilet when I’m deeply desperate and
can no longer hold it.
I have also made a disturbing
discovery. If I drink a lot the day before going to work, everything goes so
well, I’m kind of still drunk the next day, I suddenly don’t worry about any
bitching around, I work very hard. Everything is also very smooth, I accomplish
a lot more. If I did not drink anything the night before, I am uptight,
watching over my shoulders for the watchers, I can’t make a phone call, I’m
ready to explode every time I have a bastard coming to me asking me why nothing
has been done, it is disastrous. It is like having a car accident while you are
not drunk, you will probably end up dead. If drunk though, somehow, you will
not even have a scratch. My job is like that, a series of car crash, and if I’m
drunk, I don’t feel anything, whether it is psychological or physical, and then
I can do my job. Without being an alcoholic, I can’t keep that job! If that is
not disturbing, what is?
Time to open my fourth beer, it is
only 19h51. If you don’t know what time I mean, you American still working with
am and pm, tough, I don’t care anymore. It is about time you get up to date
with the rest of the world and understand what 19h51 means. And 32 degree
Celsius, and one meter, for god’s sake! I will nee r have a book published in
the
No news from Stephen, not sure
what’s going on with him in
8 April 2006
And so on Thursday night I drank
myself to death and wrote another string of texts, which I feel might be my
best. Of course I was completely dead the next day at work, I had to come late,
I arrived at 10 instead of 8. Sending the Chinese Girl into a spin, and
devising a plan to make me work some overtime to compensate, via the Admin
Director, so I could not explode.
My answer to how I would compensate
was simple, I would go to lunch, which meant only one hour had to be accounted
for. I suggested remaining until 6 pm on Friday night, however I pointed out
that I left the office at 5h30 instead of 5 for the last two weeks, remaining
until 6 pm on Tuesday, something the Chinese Girl did not know, whilst she
believes that I was late in the morning and not working fast enough to do
everything she has to do but relegates to me.
So in the end I was able to leave
on time on Friday, and I am glad the Chinese Girl, or Master Bitch, was fucked
in her little plan to, as she said: “making up for my time”. And now you know
why I have written such a brick about that subject, and why the title is so
well chosen. When they start grasping at straws, wanting you to work an extra
hour because you’re late, when you have done so much overtime already, also on
weekends, it does not make you feel like giving your life like that. And you
start considering that if they are so mercenaries, perhaps they are not worth
me doing any overtime at all. I can also be mercenary. It is not my company, I
do not collect the millions in the end, and my time is as important as theirs,
I have a career to built, and every hour of overtime, makes it impossible for
me to work on my other projects. They have made it, they are rich, with
exploitation, on the back of a bunch of employees which I am. I am not rich, I
have not succeeded, I am still nothing, and will certainly remain so forever if
I continue to work 60 hours a week for them.
And now I am going to talk about
something totally out of context. Something I need to remember to search for,
because if nothing in the universe we observe can prove this theory, then I’m
afraid they’re maybe no freedom of will in this world, and we are constantly condemned
to live this miserable life we seem to have inherited. Yes, my life is
invariably the same, as my friend told me tonight, same shit happens over and
over again, only the scenery might have changed slightly, this passage of time,
which we all know is an illusion.
Let’s consider that the stars,
planets and any celestial body we see in the sky is the same thing that composes
us, those atoms, electrons, etc. We can measure where a star will be in
millions of years, we know where all its planets will be and their course over
a millions of years. Well then, if we had powerful computers capable of keeping
track of all the atomic structures in our body, then we would know exactly
where everything will be tomorrow, and hence we could predict the entire future
of anyone with some mathematical equation. In which case, there is no freedom
of thought, freedom of action. We are condemned to follow the course of our
particles, as the stars and other celestial bodies are computable and
predictable to the second. Which would go well with religion, they often know
the future, they announce the arrival of their messiahs, Jesus-Christ himself
knew the future, and countless psychic mediums do as well. How can it be,
unless somehow they were capable of figuring out a way to know where all these
atomic structures will be in a thousand years time?
If absolutely no celestial bodies
in the sky move unpredictably, or suddenly seem to change course of its own
mind, then it is likely that there is no freedom of thought. And yet, that is
not completely true. I can imagine of two reasons to not be able to see any
star suddenly changing its course, proving that it is part of some moving body
with a mind of its own, capable of changing its own course in history. First,
relativity makes the whole universe move so slowly from our perspective, that
we might not be able to observe any celestial body suddenly changing course.
Second, if all the matter we can observe from our point of view is part of some
inanimate object at a larger scale, then of course none of the matter in the
universe will suddenly start to move in an unpredictable fashion. And I might
be the case. I have seen a long time ago some scientists mapping the universe,
and trying to shape what it is that all the star clusters could be forming, or
being part of. I was so impressed by their little image, I kept it and even
brought it with me to
What I want to know is if any star
suddenly change its course. I want someone to input all the bit of matter we
see in the sky, measure their speed, and into a computer simulation, show me if
there is any sort of pattern that could suggest an unexplainable change of
course or motion. Proving to me that if the speed of any celestial body
achieves some sort of variable speed in time, it is a significant discovery.
Moving it all faster, even at constant speed, might tell us more about what the
universe is really composing at a higher scale. If it is a rock, then it will
certainly move at normal speed and we won’t be able to see any sort of free
will. If it is a tree or a brain synapse, then perhaps we will observe
something significant. If it is something moving and alive, then a lot of
things in this universe must be moving in unpredictable ways and are not some
computable with mathematical equations, because then there is free will in this
world. When I decide to get up my chair, I have decided to do so, I was not
merely following a predestined path that all my particles are following for the
rest of my life. There was no big bang of all the matter composing me, and big
crunch to be expected eventually when I die and I start decomposing. Do we have
free will or is this world predestined in every way? Surely we have the
technology now to find out? And then it might be easier for me to accept my
condition of slave in this world, if I knew that it was to be and I had no
choice in the matter. Scientists of the world, get on it!
And please, also find a way to
calculate where all the particles composing me are, and where they will be in this
universe in the future, so I can find out if I am to be a slave all my life or
not. Can’t depend on psychic mediums or clairvoyants, they are often wrong. I
need a powerful computer simulation of where this world is heading for. If it
is utter destruction in a few years, it might also help to alleviate my pain. I
would know then that my condition of slavery is only temporary, finite in time.
I might also go crazy and do insane things before we all die, if freewill
permits. At the very least, perhaps my particles were heading for it in any
case, at any rate I’m ready for a crazier life.
That image I am talking about, was
on the first page of the Guardian in
12 April 2006
I’ve been working like a dog, I’ve
suddenly realized that my to-do-list will never shrink, it only gets bigger and
longer, and eventually I might just want to calm down from trying to shrink it,
or else I might have to invent that shrinking machine after, involve every
single theoretical physicist on the planet, tell them it is for my film script,
shrinking that ship, and then, build it with billions, and shrink that to-do-list.
That would be a real life application.
Not too many problems with Master
Bitch either, even if today I had to say to her: I have paid attention whilst
at that conference in
Anyway, at the moment everything is
going well. I could believe for one moment that once in the mould, this life
could get easier, roll on wheels, remotely if possible. Been thinking of
proposing to my baby to move to
If it was my business, if I could
do it from
Never wanted so much to see that
dream Leonardo had about me living here in
And yes, I sure deserve it, don’t
I? So much genius coming our of me for so long, surely someone somewhere at
some point will realize it? And irrevocably change my future? Why should it
depend on anyone else? Why can’t I get myself there? Good question.
Some university in
In my huge endeavor to get
somewhere, I tend to forget that before now, I have done a lot already. And
that lot could already get me somewhere very far, while I’m thinking here
tonight that I’m not anywhere yet and need to start all over again to finally
have any sort of impact.
Well, what I read tonight, I feel
this is the work of a genius mind. I should not have to do anything else before
getting rich beyond dream and walk over my mountain every day to get inspire
some more and write some more genius stuff.
Of course, the world does not see
it that way. Of course, the world knows nothing yet about my potential, my
abilities to write the perfect film script, the prefect film. Because yes,
after that one success, there would be no stopping me, it would be the most
extraordinary idea, one after the other. But I’m not there yet. And since the
initial did not get me anywhere yet, why bother writing more about it? That’s
how we manage to kill all potential in anyone. I might never write another film
script, can’t say I’m sad about it, if nothing happened with the first ones in
English. And yet, I could be another Arthur C. Clarke. We might never find out,
would we? Or maybe we will, who knows? Ironic that my next best chance to get
it all out in the open does not come from
I am sorry! Today I was walking at
the top of a mountain in
It’s a gift, I can’t help, I’m god
at it, I’m better than most. Of course, people need to see that for themselves
first, not easy when all that I was able to write, amounts to two film scripts
on my website, and three others completely copyrighted by Hollywood, that no
one will ever find out about. That’s what being exploited by
I will never ever again write
something for which I don’t have the rights. And that is why I accepted to
rewrite my film scripts for that university in
Writing books is so much easier.
You don’t need a whole team, and millions of dollars to make it a reality. Of
course you need a publisher at the end, which is by no means easier to find. Life
is all about miracles which need to happen. And if you’re patient enough, it
might just happen. And in my case, after walking on the top of that mountain in
I don’t know how, I don’t know when,
but I’ll explode over the horizon, being finally recognized for the genius mind
that I am. Or else, this world did not deserve me, if they were blind enough to
be incapable to realize that they had a genius in front of them when they had
the chance. And then, I don’t care for dying right there in front of them.
Because, there’s nothing for me here. Let’s just die and get it over with.
I won’t live with my failure, you
can be certain of that. For me it has always been make it or break it. Live or
die. There is no other way. While I can still think it might happen, I won’t
kill myself. But I’m not the patient type. If does not happen instantly, I’m
going to find a way to kill myself. Because I need to move on with this life. I
have no time to waste. Don’t care if it turns out we’re like computers, and
once dead, it’s like being turn off, with no means to ever restart the machine
ever. I don’t care, I had enough anyway. I’ve been ready to die for a long time
now. Hoping destiny would take care of that for me along the way, car accident
or disease, so far destiny has been unsuccessful. I might have to take matter
in my own hands. I’m more ready to do so. Might be the solution to my
conundrum, staying in
At that point, I care no more for
anything, any potential of success, any new avenue to explore, to find out if
that is it. I don’t care anymore! I just want to die! And I will make it
happen, at least, I’ll make this come true. Cos that’s the only potential I
have on which I have nay control, which I can make come true. Need to explore
I always continue straight to the
Canyon, maybe next time I decide to follow
Charming. After six months in Los
Angeles, I am so split up with the idea of going back to London or living this
nightmare in that company, that my only solution worth considering is to throw
myself over the cliff on Mulholland Drive. The only compromise. I’ve been
living in such an imagined world anyway, such a virtual world, it makes no
difference to me. This world is not real, it is no right, I’ve imagined it all.
I might as well die there in my dream.
Feeling a bit nostalgic, thinking
about suicide and all, I decided to do a search on the Internet about my old
town
Can’t imagine how on earth Black
Hole brought a link about Wal-Mart, and a Wal-Mart in my old town preferring to
shut down their first ever shop with unionized employees, who decided to demand
any sort of rights or freedom, which they were not granted in the end. If I did
not have a reason to shoot myself yet, now I have.
14 April 2006
I am so tired to have to prove
myself every time I get a new Manager. The process is always the same. They
start thinking I am moving in slow motion, not getting any result, freaking at
me, hating me, find a way to get rid of me, war is declared, and then, oh
surprise, results are delivered well above expectations. And then, they love
me, they don’t want to lose me, but by then I’m already gone.
I had the worst week, and this is
quite a statement considering that my bosses are somewhere in
There is also that I am not the
usual employee who does not give a shit about what he is doing and how he is
doing it. I cannot do 10% of what they are asking me, like everyone else. When
I am asked to find all the possible sponsors for a conference, I do a damn
exhaustive job of it, and that kind of stuff takes forever. In the end however
they will understand that I will confirm five sponsors on this conference
instead of none. Of course, it will be too late by then, they will have
destroyed me to the bosses, once again.
I am so tired of this pattern, of
this life, of all these identical days, and all the shit I get every day from
these people. It is crisis time every day, the Chinese Girl freaked out again
at me yesterday, the whole office knows about it, they love it. They feed on
that kind of thing, there is no hope for humanity, I can tell you that much. We
are all doomed, if we do not learn to feel sympathy for our colleagues.
It does not help that both the
Director and the Chinese Girl are in love with the Sweet Chinese Girl and the
Spanish Guy. And that love is blind. I hate this favoritism. It is clear that I
have more experience and that I am better than any of them, but I have not
proved myself to them yet, it will take them a while to understand that.
In the meantime I also understand
why these perfect employees appear to have nothing to do whilst I am sinking
under so much work. They have not started the wheel yet, they are just getting
there, and soon they will also be swamp under the rules of the new structure.
And then, we’ll see how they cope, if they too have a time management problem.
I’m not stupid, that love for them
from the management, guarantees them immunity. If they can’t cope, it is
because they have given them too much to do and it is understandable. If I
cannot cope, it is because I am incompetent. There has never been any justice
in this corporate world, I have also noticed that a long time ago.
In 15 days, it’s over. I will love
to tell them that I am leaving within a month. At that time I guess they will
have to do some soul searching, wonder if they have done anything wrong in my
case, to make me flee like that. However I may be mistaken, they might suddenly
feel relieved that I will be out of there, perhaps they are more blind than I
gave them credit for. I don’t think my bosses are blind, they have told me they
saw a lot of potential in me, but with the reports they will get from their
directors and managers, they must be in two minds.
Maybe it is just not working out
after all, and I long to get out of there. I am in logistic nightmare with the
admin of these conferences involving over 50 people each, sponsors and
supporting organizations, etc., on top of having to produce new events like a
machine in a producing line. The admin alone is a full time job, and it is
supposed to be done in parallel of everything else.
If I am to live such a miserable
existence, the pay off should be mine, not theirs. At no point will I ever be
happy to see the results, no satisfaction ever for a job well done, I could not
care less. It is just hell from the beginning to the end, with no way out. I
need to start my own company, before I decide to shoot myself.
For now I have only one goal, a
very short term goal. Survive my last afternoon this week without exploding at
them. Damn difficult not to, under such unfairness. I would need more than two
days off to get back on my feet, and of course, this is Easter weekend and we
don’t even have one day off, while the bosses are on holiday, they only ones
who can afford it, with the Director. As it stands, I’ll be spending Easter
Saturday and Sunday, working on shrinking my to-do-list.
This is just peachy, as would the
Americans say. I just destroyed the back bumper of my boss’ car. If I thought I
was in trouble before, considering everything that happened this week at work,
and if I was worried about all that will be reported about me once my bosses
are back, now I can add the crown in the huge cake: I destroyed their car!
I was going backward so slowly, and
yet, a stupid yellow pole in the parking lot of where I live, out of nowhere,
was standing there, almost asking to be hit. If this is not proof that I cannot
be trusted with anything, what proof would they need? Is it my fault if I did
not drive for the last seven months, and that I’ve been used to drive small
European cars instead of those big American 4X4? The truck is so huge, you
can’t even park it anywhere. I guess this will have to go out of my salary, I
just hope this is not going to cost $500.
I don’t really care anymore after
the week I had. If anything, this is one more good argument to flee, to tell
them soon that this whole idea was a disaster, and I need to get back to
Seriously, what must be the first
word on those spying machines from any government, if not the word nuclear? And
how powerful is intelligence in
I must be one f the most
scrutinized person on the planet now, certainly all the emails I am sending or
receiving are read. The word Nuclear has appeared in just about every single I
have been sending and receiving in the last few weeks. Hopefully they are
clever enough to understand that I am working on a conference on the subject,
that I am not trying to acquire some Plutonium, and that I am about to blow up
the planet.
Today that made me think some more
about the conferences I should be producing with my new company. I thought, why
not put together the most eclectic collections of conferences on the weirdest
and most taboo subjects?
It got me thinking. I was imagining
my first few anarchist conferences:
·
The
nuclear and chemical weapons threat
·
How to
make sure your employees are giving 200%
·
How to
avoid political suicide and other scandals
·
Holocaust
remembrance summit
·
A look
on global terrorists
·
Dealing
with pedophiles
·
Examining
battered women and children
·
Dealing
with the Islamist insurrection
Though in themselves these topics
are all right, and that there must be conferences in the world about these
exact subjects, one company producing events on all of these, could only mean
one thing, complete irony, of someone disabused with life, with a strong either
sense of humor, or a great sarcastic desire to prove a point.
And you know what? I thought for
one second there, that these ironic and taboo subjects, the ones that people
would avoid doing conferences on, are perhaps the most serious subjects there
are, and ultimately could lead to great financial success. Dear me… governments
have every right to be shadowing me, I’m certainly a danger to humanity with
such ideas.
But who cares? Today at work they
ask me what I would be doing this weekend. I answered that I was going to buy
myself a gun and shoot myself. Which prompted a long discussions between them
(without me), where they discussed how they would kill themselves, and that
they all thought about it at one time or another at some point in their life.
Especially because unbearable jobs they had.
Surprising enough, the Chinese Girl
was up there telling us about all the wrong ways to commit suicide, as if she
had reviewed them all before, I could tell she never really was that low, to
actually be thinking about doing it. She went on on saying all that she would
do before committing suicide, like going to Las Vegas and losing all her money,
or going to the best hotels and eat in the most expensive restaurants until she
runs out of money. Coming from a toothpick, I am quite amazed that she is
always talking about eating expensive food, as if she was obsessed with it,
when obviously she does not eat anything.
Anyway, people who say that before
committing suicide they would do this or that, like robbing a bank, are people
who never really thought about it. Éthey would then understand that when you
are at the point of deciding on ending your useless and boring life, you do not
feel like doing anything, you are way passed doing crazy things to motivate you
to exist. At that point you are in a place where either you continue with your
miserable existence, or you end it all. There are no other solution, you cannot
just abandon everything and do stupid things like going to
Later on they asked me again what I
would do tonight. I answered that I would listen to some Nine Inch Nails full
blast, write, and drink myself to death. They got my point this time, I’ve
through terrible times lately at work. And at the very moment, I freaked out
inside, because I realized that I was more than serious. I looked at my desk,
and I thought, yes, perhaps I could end it all tonight, after drinking myself
to insanity, to forget it all. I’ve reached that point where I can see no
future for myself, no other moment where I could ever be happy again, nothing
worth continuing for. I felt like if I was already dead, and the consequences
of it. How a dead end job, following an infinite amount of other dead end jobs,
can lead to the illusion that life is no longer worth living. There will never
be a better day, there never was one in the first place, there is nothing to
hope for the future. Miserable one day, miserable for life. At this level,
success or richness can no longer change anything. You’re already screwed up
for the rest of your existence, you can never come back to the surface to
breath. Game Over.
I don’t know what I will have to do
tonight to avoid committing suicide at the end of the night. I have already
started to drink myself to death, I’m drinking a whole bottle of
At least you will all know that I
did not kill myself because my judgment was clouded by alcohol, it was quite
clearly stated and considered way before I was completely drunk. Alcohol in
this case would only help me to act, to accomplish my destiny, to end it all.
When there is no more hope of a
better day, when you did everything you could to change your life to avoid that
misery you have been suffering all your life, and it failed miserably, there is
no more hope.
I can’t see a better day. I can’t
see ever experiencing happiness. I don’t care anymore to succeed at any of my
dreams. I am beyond life and its pettiness. I am beyond humanity who only
proved to me that there was no great future to expect, to hope for. Every I
see, everything I hear, incite me to end it all. To free me from this useless
world.
I’m not the only one feeling this
way, there are many suicides every day all over the planet. They must be
thinking about it all the time, and one day it is just too much, they finally
act. I am at that point. This is where
At this point I no longer care if
suddenly news of my death might affect the people I know, the people who found
in their hearth to love me for one reason or another. Family. They went through
hell themselves, surely even my death will just be one more thing to think
about, and eventually, they will just continue on their road to hell, whilst
I’ll finally be liberated from it. It is all worth it. I’ve been away from
anyone for so long, dead or alive, makes no difference. I know, both my
grandmothers died, I was far away on the other side of the ocean, and I think
they are still alive and that I will see them next time I come home, if I ever
come home again. “Loin des yeux, loin du coeur”, and therefore, dead or alive,
is meaningless to anyone.
Should I make peace with myself
before throwing myself over a cliff? Why? There’s no need. I don’t care anymore
about anything. I have no more hope, no more dreams, I know they will all lead
to disaster and unhappiness. And unfortunately, for me, to die, is just like
turning off a computer. It has no consequence, there is no life after death, it
is just like finally turning off a computer at the end of the day. It can never
be turned on again, but who cares? Not me, that’s for sure.
My god! Is this really the night?
Will I really end it all tonight? I have never been so serious about it in my entire
life. I felt it today at work, I knew it was a special day, it was different. I
understood that this time, I took it very seriously, I might actually do it.
Anyone looking at it, after my
death, reading this, will assume it was because of this nightmare of a job I
have, they will assume I did it because of these people who drove me to it.
They would be wrong. They are just the end of it, what convinced me that there
would never be anything better for me on this earth. They are the last station,
the end of the line. There was much more before that, everything in fact, I
have never encountered anything that did not drive me to suicide. In which
case, I must be the problem, I’m what is wrong in this world. I could not find
happiness, where many others following the same path do. I’m the only one to
blame I guess, the others are only trying to survive too, I guess.
My God, I would not even think
twice tonight if I had a gun here. It would be over right now. Sad that I don’t
have a gun. And that I am unlikely to take the four by four of my boss to go
and drive over the canyon. I’m too dead for that. My father has riffles, I
would have used them tonight, I know that. Am I going to again escape killing
myself because of a lack of imagination and motivation to achieve it? It looks
like it. I’ll fall asleep in a second. This is not acceptable. I have a car. I
know the exact spot where I want to throw myself in. Somewhere beyond the
mountain I’ve been seeing every day on my way to work. There is already a cross
there, of a young couple who drove over the precipice without wanting it, most
probably. Nicest spot, great valley, greatest view, dangerous corner. Willingly
continuing straight, falling to a certain death. What am I waiting for? I’m
trying to remember where it was. Was it following
There’s only one thing now that
could save me. It is a computer game called Atlantis. A virtual world where I
have lost myself every year, for the last few years. A place worth living, a
wonderful place, the only place I feel I might say: wait a minute, this is
worth living for, if you could actually live there forever. The company who
produced that game has gone bankrupt, god only knows what happened to the
people who created that perfect world for me. The world I live to survive in,
that every single minute of my existence, I wish I could just grow and find happiness in. A virtual world. Where I
felt more at home than any reality I’ve been living in.
15 April 2006
I woke up this morning at exactly 7
am, like if it was a normal day and had to go to work. For once it seems that I
have a day off, well, in theory, that bitch at work has got me so wired, I’ll
probably work on my conference this weekend.
I woke up surprised, surprised that
I was still alive. I came so close yesterday to somehow commit suicide. And my
first thought was to her, to the Chinese Girl, she drove me to suicide, she almost
got me.
I’ve been through hell in my life,
many times I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my misery and thought of
ending it all, but last night was the most intensive I have ever lived, I cried
for a while as well, I had never reached such a low point.
Usually when I wake up from nights
like this, my first thought in the morning is that I am glad I survived, that I
did not kill myself, and I thought that for a second this morning, but five
minutes later now, I’m not so sure, I’m still very much in the same mind frame,
and that is also new for me. I’m never suicidal for days in a row.
What can I do now? Just wake up and
get on with my life, whatever is left of it? Which reminds something the Admin
Director said to me this week, when it was 5 pm, the normal time I should have
left the office. I was 30 minutes late that day, the Chinese Girl must have
told everyone, to make sure I was going to leave 30 minutes later to
compensate. I was going to the kitchen and the Admin woman said: Where do you
think you’re going? I answered that I was going to the kitchen, I knew she
thought I was leaving, I was planning to leave at 6 pm that day, even if at the
back of my mind I wanted to be out of there much earlier. How powerful I
thought, this little sentence can be: Where do you think you’re going? As if I
was in some sort of prison, where even when I’m working so much overtime, I
still cannot get out of it and walk to my freedom once in a while.
And this morning, that line, Where
do you think you’re going, is taking a new meaning. Where the fuck am I
actually going in this life? What am I doing here? I have to put an end to it.
Leaving this job has now become a necessity, a duty, an obligation, before
something horrible happens. I don’t know how bad life can be in prison, but
somehow I don’t think it can be worse than what I am going through, or else,
they would all commit suicide every day. But of course, I don’t want to end up
in prison after killing everyone in that office, or end up dead because of that
Chinese Girl.
I came closer than ever last night,
I could still reach that point. And the most amazing thing is I have a way out,
there is light at the end of the tunnel, I am going to London, the decision has
been made already, and yet, I was still able to reach that total state of
despair where I had no more motivation to see another day. That is how powerful
what I’m going through right now is.
Is it the culmination of everything
I’ve gone through in my life? Was this last experience the one who finally
convinced me that there will never be happiness for me in this world,
especially in this corporate world? If I was ten years younger, fresh out of
university, without my experience of Europe, without having survived that other
job from hell last year in
Have I lost faith in humanity?
Well, I might not be the only one.
I was reading this morning on the Crime Library website that 2,300 persons
disappear every day in the United States, the reports about missing persons is
almost reaching
If
Damn, I almost became a statistics
yesterday, one more on these lists. And if I had thrown myself in the
16 April 2006
I am running out of options. I
can’t go back to
At the end of the day on Friday at
work, we were talking. The Admin Director mentioned that she was living in a
house with 8 people, three of them are gays. One couple in particular is weird.
One of the gay apparently suffers from agoraphobia, and she described what it
meant. One day, her boyfriend understanding this, told him, you don’t work
anymore, I’ll support you, you don’t have to get out of the house ever again.
And since then, he barely goes out, and when he does, he is shaken, it makes
him sick.
I thought, my God, that’s just it,
I recognized all the symptoms. Perhaps I too suffer from agoraphobia. I can’t
stand anyone, I hate it when people are looking at me, I’m not going anywhere
even when I have a car here and I could go and explore. I am frustrated when I
think I am alone, and there is someone there, always looking at me. And what
could be worse for someone suffering from this, than being closed in a small
office with 20 other people, half of them management, half of them spies
reporting every single action to the bosses? And it was even worse in
And my question is, should I try to
cure myself, be more outgoing, understand that I have as much right as anyone
to exist, or should I instead retreat even more into my cocoon, find a way to
isolate myself completely from this world until I deal only with a few people,
no more than that, forever?
Just found a website, and it seems
very complicated. Agoraphobia Without History of Panic Disorder, Panic Disorder
with Agoraphobia; Social Phobia; Specific Phobia; Major Depressive Disorder;
Delusional Disorder; Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder; Separation Anxiety
Disorder; realistic concerns. It seems I am suffering from all of these
together. Before I enter this territory, it might be easier just to continue to
ignore that I might have some sort of mental illness. The idea of any sort of
treatment, and what it would entail, I’m sure, could only make me worse and
regret that we have identify that I have a problem.
Oh God, read a few more websites, I
am definitely suffering from something. And I know how I got there. It is all
written in this very book. All the symptoms are stated quite clearly. My sudden
lack of confidence, being rejected many times when before I was so openly
welcome everywhere. This impression that I have no right to be alive anymore,
that I should not exist, because I’m not worth it from the judgment of others. Their
looks, their judgment that I can’t stand. The panic I feel when I am with other
people, not only authority figures, but everyone. Don’t want to take the train,
don’t want to get out of the house. Feel trap in any close environment, being
too far from any doors so I can escape every hour or so to be alone somewhere.
The sheer panic on Sundays when I know I need to go back to work for a full
week to be stuck in a small environment with all these people, feeling like a
trapped rat. And what to say about my deep anxiety of going to a conference,
filled with people, feeling so self conscious about myself, near collapsing all
the time. And the only way I forget this nightmare, is by drinking myself to
death every night, be a zombie the next day.
I am not willing to take any
anti-depressants or any other medications unless I am dying on a bed, and then,
I still want to know what they give me and reduce it considerably. I won’t find
myself again in a situation like last year in that hospital, where they filled
me with pills, different ones every day, and I got out of there with an
overblown level of platelets for life, which might eventually kill me.
I am also not willing to be
followed by so-called experts to go through some therapy to convince me that it
is okay to suffer that fucking hell of a social life we have built for
ourselves. In two words, I don’t want to be treated. So I better recognize my
situation and deal with it on my own terms.
How funny, the last PC-Game I
bought is called Journey at the Center of the Earth. Perhaps on an unconscious
level, I thought I could be safe down there. Knowing myself, I’ll probably only
play it in a few years time.
17 April 2006
This weekend I was glued to my bed
reading Jen Jensen novel Dante’s Equation. And I sleep on and off all weekend.
I had a car, I did not go anywhere, this is very sad. Today at work was okay,
even if I was constantly thinking that I would have to tell my boss I stupidly
did not go anywhere, and yet, I crunch the back bumper. I told them to take it
from my salary, and I think my boss said it would be $300, the price of my
plane ticket back home.
Going to LAX has been a nightmare.
First the car was so dirty, just for remaining in the car park, that I had in a
bonnet to find a car wash, an automatic one. But in
But, I had to stop to put some
petrol in the car, and there was a Mexican there telling me that I had a flat
tire. That throw me into panic mode, my boss’ family was to arrive in 30
minutes, and I was still far from the airport. A dirty, a destroyed bumper, a
flat tire, the windshield seem to have broken under a small rock (can’t
remember if it was already there), and the flashing right light was no longer
working. For God’s sake! I did not go anywhere! How can a Lexus costing
$100,000 can break down like this? It is not like if we were in the North of
Canada, where two winters is enough to destroy your car. This is
So I looked at the tire, it just
seemed to need some air, so I prayed that was it. Then I got unto the road, and
all the way to the airport they had scratched the asphalt in order to
eventually put some new one. And the whole time I could not tell if I had a
flat or not, the car was shaking like crazy. I was convinced I had a flat.
And then, finally at the airport, I
got lost! I could not find my way! The plane had already landed, I was in panic
mode, I did not know where to go, and there was no sign anywhere after the
first one out of the 405. It seems Mexicana Airline does not land anywhere at
LAX. When I finally parked the car and rushed to the arrivals, one minute later
they came out. My only bit of luck for the last 7 days. And oh, it does not
appear I had a flat after all. Anyway, finally, I survived that terrible
episode of the bosses going on holiday to
I was also able to keep my mouth
shut about anything that happened at work. I simply said that everything was
fine, since we were all still alive. They laughed at that, they will never know
what I really meant.
I did not tell them for example
that every single employee has shown openly that they were thrill that they
were gone for a week, and even more so once they found out that today I was
picking them up late, so that meant another Monday without them.
To be honest, I prefer when they
are there, since I think they can see that I am working, contrary to the
Chinese Girl and the Director. Which I am sure they will have a lot to report against
me tomorrow. I will be the only one they will slash, since I am the only one
they’re not in love with, and I am the only who seems to be taking forever to
get that nuclear conference anywhere. Of course, I work alone on it, on top of
the two others. I think I understood today that all four of them are working on
all the other events. No wonder they get these events done fast.
And there is something else that is
really getting on my nerves now. The Spanish Boy has a friend or perhaps two in
some studios in
And perhaps the Chinese Girl is
more plastic than I thought, she’s is certainly getting into his stories, and
today they spoke all day! After all I have to do, I had to listen to them gossiping
about Drew Barrymore all day, and how was her birthday party. If I did not want
to commit suicide before, now I certainly do.
What sort of personality by-pass do
you need to be able to be impressed and obsessed with meeting a few
celebrities, going to a few parties, etc., and in the same wave, impress your
envious friends and render your colleagues jealous at work? They are so sad, it
is unbelievable. If tomorrow it continues, I think I will have to tell him to
shut up, that I don’t give a shit that he knows Drew Barrymore, unless she was
to turn lesbian.
It pays to still be cute at 28, I
have to say. I would not be surprised if he ends up in one of her films. That
would kill me for real…
18 April 2006
Should we see just how shallow is
our little Spanish Boy? I never told him anything me because I am not the kind
to want to make friends on the basis of what I have accomplished. It is also
very sad when you meet someone telling you everything they have been in, what
they worked on, etc. It is also clear that as the boring person he imagined me
to be, he has never wanted to be my friend, in fact, I was stealing the show
from him a bit too much when we were in the other room, he was no longer the
cute and trendy boy, he was sharing the stage. I since shut up completely at
work, so now he is center stage again.
So, I decided to test him. He asked
today, he was wondering if I had been working in films and TV, and I told him
what I worked on, NBC, PBS, etc. Did not have the chance to go into details, my
bosses can hear from their office. I’ll have a chance in
I spoke with Isabella tonight. We
were discussing how my bosses and their family, were just the perfect little
family. The kind of perfection that is untenable, and at some point you feel
like shooting that this cannot be real, there must be a catch, and behind
closed doors, it must be hell, or else, one day it will just explode.
They are Jewish, modern Jewish,
modern in the sense that if I had not been told, I would still not know they
were Jewish. So I guess this does not play in anything about them, either how
they conduct their business or how they interact with their family.
Perfect in the sense that they are
all so quiet, I would never imagine them to beat up or even speak aloud to
their kids. The results are astonishing. I believe their kids to be some sort
of zombies, without any energy or life within. And that is what we were
discussing tonight. A 5 year old kid which appear more mature than any of us at
work, for a start. Two daughters who are so shy, and so silent, you feel like
shaking them hard to wake them up. I wonder how they would cope with moving
countries on they’re own, like Isabella and I did.
One of the daughters was pushed
into architecture, but she wanted it, and so now she has been able to make them
understand that she will not become an architect. I think there was no need for
a crisis, the deception and disappointment we could all read on the face of my
bosses, must have been enough to destroy the poor girl.
Still, though no one can predict
what their children will become later in life, despite their lack of enthusiasm,
or even blood going through their veins, I cannot say that this is not
desirable. If I had children, I wish I could be like that, even if my kids
would become zombies in the process.
Of course, it is not the same for Isabella,
she was beaten up when she was young, just like me, and she does shout at her
kid, and perhaps slap him sometimes. She was telling me that she had to be so
careful when she takes care of their son, because though she will shout at her
kid, she will never shout at theirs. And she told me that the 5 year old was
already quite the spy, and was reporting everything he sees and hear. Maybe he
will join Mossad one day, the Israel Secret Services. I don’t think they have
any connection with
I think the holocaust must have
been mentioned recently, because people were talking about it at work, ah yes,
a documentary on TV. And stupidly I felt the need to mention: did they talk
about the 800,000 gay people who accompanied these Jews in those camps? And as
if it was enough, I added: funny how any Jewish person can completely identify
with the holocaust, when I, in the same situation, don’t.
I have as much right to feel bad
about the holocaust as any Jewish person out there. I’m sure it never occurred
to them. They are still fighting about it, claiming that the number of gay
people killed in the holocaust was much less than the real numbers. Funny, the
number of Jewish people killed during that period is also being debated, and on
that point, they will certainly not budge, it is 6 millions that we need to
talk about. Well, the best estimates for gay people killed because of the Nazis,
or people they thought were gay, recent studies states, might be as many as 800,000.
Anyone wants to start a debate? Or open a museum about it? Do we have any
photos that survived that era? It might help me get more sensitive and feel
something about it. After all, if it means just a big deal to the Jewish
community, surely it should be the same in the gay communities? Or has AIDS
made us forget all about the holocaust?
Weird, I still cannot identify with
those gay people who died during the war… why? In
Maybe we should try to build a
great community together, and fight the actual prejudices together, but I can’t
see that happening any time soon. The truth is, Orthodox Jews might still want
to eradicate every gay from the planet, makes it harder for me to be sensible
to their cause. It was all over the newspapers when I was living in Ottawa, and
it angered me… well, I should just shut up I guess. Before I start another war
I cannot win.
Talking about the Jewish people
might still be a big taboo these days, but not to talk against the gays,
apparently. And I would not have it any other way. I like to be able to spit on
Roman Catholics, being a Catholic myself, without fearing for my life or being
shut out of society. It is democracy to be able to say whatever we want, as
long as there is a right to answer back.
So spit on me, I don’t care, I have
an army of gay people who will come to my defense and create a new debate, the
same one that is as old as this universe. Taboo are not healthy for a
democratic society, we should be able to talk about whatever we want without
fearing for the consequences. Not that I have anything negative to say about
anyone, still, if I had, I would hope I could say it without bringing a Jihad
on me. Oh, I’m opening a totally new can of worms here. I guess I will shut up
and pretend that I love everyone, even the ones who want openly my destruction.
I was thinking tonight about
something, how I am still learning a great deal at work, even though it has
been more than six months already. Until my first conference is completely
over, in three weeks time, I still have not gone through the whole process of
the whole admin and bureaucracy side of it. I’m still doing things now that I
had never done in my 10 years, and I have to admit, that Chinese Girl is damn
efficient and brilliant at her job. No wonder she has no patience with anyone,
she must be an underused genius, screaming to get out. I can at least admit it
when I see it, that girl might be more intelligent than I. And coming from me,
this is quite a statement. Unfortunately for her, it is going to be most likely
lost forever, wasted in producing insignificant conferences for others.
I almost did not get to do all
these things, learn all that side of it. Without the restructure, someone else
would have done the admin. If Stephen had not lost his job, I would have left
in two weeks time, and never got to know what we have to do to prepare for the
event, during, and after. Let’s just say that everywhere else I worked, it was
much simpler, or I was unaware of what others did in the background. Now, I
have to do everything myself, from beginning to end, and fate or destiny has
made sure I would be there long enough to understand and assimilate it all.
And yet, I’m still praying that
something else will happen in my life, just in time to prevent me from having
to start my own conference business. Anything, suddenly one of my books getting
published with great success, or an invitation to work on the next big project,
selling a film script, whatever, anything but conferences. And yet, when we
read the last two books I have written about my life, it seems clear to me that
destiny is quickly pushing me towards starting my own company. What else would
have been obliged against my will to study everything that needs to be done up
to the very last detail, even negotiating tactics with hotels and sponsors. Maybe
within a few years the wheel will work so well, I might be able to let it run
by itself without having to work so much myself in my own company, maybe this
is what will finally give me the time I need to write my next best-seller. Hell,
I might even publish it myself, I intend my company to publish books as well,
about the subjects of the events. Which reminds me, perhaps I should only
produce conferences on topics which are closed to my heart. Today I was
considering having my first one about aluminum. Obviously the most boring
subject on the planet, and I would only do it in the name of making money. I’m
not so sure tonight if it is destiny’s plan to push me towards the most boring
topics there are. Maybe the high end of the technology world might be better,
as long as it has some commercial prospects. Already this is more interesting,
getting closer to science fiction. Will see. Now I need to go to bed.
19 April 2006
This morning my boss asked by email
to go and ask for a quote to get the car fixed. While I was waiting stupidly,
thinking it might cost a $100, maybe $300 if I am very unlucky, it came to
$500, and the guy said, if it had a Toyota, it could have cost $5,000. I
thought, how typical. And when I got back, there was a huge accident just in
front of where I work, and everyone was talking about it, like there were some
people dead or something. Did I not learn my lesson enough, that destiny felt
like showing me another great accident to remind me and everyone of that small
shitty little pole placed at the wrong place? TO make a big deal out of
nothing? A nothing that will make it impossible for me to survive next month,
if they take it out of my salary, and I’m pretty sure they will. Everyone pays
through the nose for car insurance, and when we need them, for some weird
reason, we do everything we can to avoid them paying for the damages. Because
we know the game, our premium goes through the roof after that for life, and we
end up paying ten times more insurance than the little accident really costs.
And about those poles, I have
learnt from the body car shop that it is the law to place these poles
everywhere, which damages many cars every week, for our security he says.
That’s just great! If they ask me to pay the damages, that will be one more
argument in their mind about the why I decided to leave this damn place.
And my boss’ wife, came to me again
trying to get me to buy the car of her parents, for just $6,000! I can’t even
survive until the end of the month, on a salary of $60,000 a year. I can’t even
get any credit anywhere in any country, being an eternal immigrant, barely
legal as it is, I might as well be a criminal.
The hardest in this job, is to face
my bosses. It can freeze me completely and everything I say to them, I live to
regret it the very night and the next day. This uncomfortable feeling, I’m not
the only one facing it, they can barely look me in the eyes, I freeze them too.
I really have a problem with authority, I would be quite happy just to avoid it
altogether forever. Must be due to my new found mental illness, I can blame
everything on it now, even if I don’t believe it to be that serious a problem.
But considering how I can worry myself to death out of nothing, it could become
very serious indeed. One day I’ll just snap and walk out of my life just like
that, never to come back to the surface. I’ll shut myself out from society as
if it never existed in the first place. I will refuse any contact with anyone,
and if they have to be facing me at some point or another, I’ll pretend I can’t
hear or see them. I’ll never talk to anyone again, and let’s see if I can find
a way out, a way to isolate myself completely, or if they’ll find one for me,
put me in some sort of institution or something. I’m completely alienated by
this civilization, after being so outgoing everywhere on this planet, and met
so many damn people everyday. I had many jobs working in cafeterias and
airports, where I have calculated interacting with up to 3000 people a day. And
the next day, sometimes dealing with those same people again, and incapable of
even remembering serving them the day before, or every day of the year for that
matter. Frightening for someone like me, who at the first sight of saying
stupidities, will end up worrying to death about those said stupidities. And
the higher in the hierarchy the people I am dealing with, the more so-called
important those people are, the crazier I become, the more unable I can sustain
these conversations and meetings, and whatever. I don’t think I am cut up for a
kind of life in
I’m back from work now. I left at
5h07 pm, right in front of my boss. I felt guilty for leaving so early, but I
need a life, and I was anyway the last in the office except for the Valley
Girl, who’s either got something to prove or is just plain busy, I just don’t
know which. Perhaps she was very late again today, she was sick yesterday
anyway, so I guess she’s not shining so much. Perhaps they freaked her out
because of her day off, and felt the need to work overtime tonight. I don’t
care.
I need to talk about something
else. My dear literary forum on my website. It has been an unexpected success
over the years, despite its name which includes the words The Marginal in
French. Maybe this planet is ready for something more than conformism. Well, it
was the oldest php programming ever, and a good Samaritan decided to help me
migrate to a better version. And today was the inauguration of the new forum.
I’ve been reading the statistics which were unavailable until now, I almost fell
from my chair. At a time when I was considering shutting the damn thing off,
since it makes my website go over its limits every month. Have I got no sense
of marketing? I could reach all this people within seconds to let them know I
exist! Surely they know I exist, they’ve been spending years on that literary
forum. This is the forum that saved Science Fiction in the French world, as I
can see that the most popular threads are about just that. And yet, none of
these French bastards have a clue about the English side of my writing, I bet
they would be surprised to learn that my life in English has been entirely
dedicated to Science Fiction, and Theoretical Physics. Of course, nothing I
have ever written in French is about sci-fi, no wonder none of them contact me.
Is it possible to be overly popular as an author, and yet, have no clue,
because no one takes the time to contact us to let us know? These numbers are
so amazing, surely these people know I exist? Maybe all the signs that were
pointing to me being a successful author in French are true, maybe I just don’t
know about it. This is also very sad, to have such an impact, and yet, not know
anything about it. And yet again, what sort of impact can I really have when
everything is in French? How I wish I was born English… I can only imagine the
real impact I would have had on this world. Maybe everyone would have stopped
breathing to hear me speak, every damn time I wish to say something. I could
stop the world in its track, make them think some more, before adhering to more
stupidities that no one ever can find accommodating.
As it stands, I am a nobody, at the
very least in the English world. In the French world, I just don’t know. I
cannot calculate my popularity using simple marketing equations. I may be known
and recognized beyond dreams, in the whole French World, and yet, not be rich
because everything is online on my website except my last two published books,
and who would want to buy them, when apart from those missing 1000 pages, I
have 50,000 others for them to read until they puke all over the place reading
them?
I have a few books written in
English now, maybe I’ll have a real impact eventually. I’m waiting to be sacked
from my job to put everything online, waiting to make sure none of the people I
dealt with in the past, I will ever need to deal with again in the future. Nothing
will stop me then. Maybe it even could provide me with a reason to exist?
I love to pretend to be something,
to be pretentious, just to motivate me to continue in this mad world. I’ll take
anything, anything to prevent me from committing suicide. That’s how low I
really am. So I will not spit on any hearsay about me being a real and
recognized writer, even if the hearsay barely reaches me. I’ve always been
thinking that unless it is happening on a massive scale, it is insignificant.
And yet I understand that nothing happens on a massive scale without a big
publicity machine. So to reach some kind of recognition outside of the
publicity machine must already be something, something desirable, something
significant. Perhaps I am reaching out much more than I believe. I have all the
signs, the messages from fans, why can’t I believe it? Mystery. I am no Michel
Houellebecq, the most famous French writer in the last 50 years, even if I know
for certain now that I inspired him a complete book. He made it, everywhere,
even in English, with what I would qualify of boring novels. Even if at least
one of them was inspired by me. His Atomic whatever. So why can’t I? Break all
frontiers and be heard? It seems that it is mostly the life I’ve been leading
that interests them, that inspire them, and yet, that’s mostly what I am
talking about, so why should I be surprised? What about all those other books I
have written, what about them? Have they read them, they did have any sort of
impact? Oh God, I’m already drunk tonight, I’m sure you could tell.
It’s not enough, it far from being
enough. I need ultimate power, complete mainstream access. I need to feel that
every time I open my damn mouth, it has a huge impact! Everyone listens, and
then continue with their lives with what I said in the background. Maybe then I
will be able to change this world for the better, save humanity somehow, or
have I read too many sci-fi books?
Reading my books is no
entertainment, since most of it is not fictional. It is painful, I know that,
as painful as it has been for me to write them. Perhaps it is through
entertainment that a message could really reach out. Which means only one
thing, I’ve got to get the thinking machine going, and then, somehow find the
time and motivation to write fictional stuff about whatever it is I wish to
communicate to the lost ones.
Oh God, I’m gonna be sick again,
and I’m working tomorrow. I have a list that long of things to do to prove to
my Manager that she can get lost for the next two weeks without worrying about
me. She said this morning, get all that done by tomorrow, I said no, Friday.
She said no, tomorrow. So now I’m laughing, nothing would be done by tomorrow,
and I don’t give a shit. You cannot ask for the impossible and expect it the
next day. Get me an assistant, or two. Your two other assistants appear to be
doing nothing all day, while I am sinking here under so much work. The Sweet
Chinese Girl even got annoyed with me today, when I noticed that she had
nothing to do. Is she going to turn into a Master Bitch too? Is she only
waiting until she gets her chance? Possibly. That could be another interesting
test on human nature. One that I cannot perform, since I’m not in control of
giving her more responsibilities.
Are we all just Master Bitches in
the making? Waiting for our turn to make the life of everyone else a misery? I
might soon find out, if I have to create my own company. We’ll soon then find
out if I can too become the Master Bitch of my employees. In the name of money,
of richness, of freedom.
Oh God, get ready, I don’t intend
to fuck around, I’ll have all these processes ready for you to be unable to
escape your miserable existence in no time. You thought you could doss around
being on my payroll? I’m not the government, I don’t have billions to waste.
I’ve got to get rich soon, or else, there would be no point to exist. I need
that freedom more than anything, and I will find it one way or another. Fuck
you! Fuck you all!
I’ll be as merciless as the next
dictator. I’ll make you understand that making me rich, is the only option in
this world for you. And when will come the time to get rid of you, I’ll make
you regret to even be alive, I’ll make you want to kill your kids. Mark my
words. Because this is where this world is now, I’ll bring you to the brink of
insanity.
It is after all my experience so
far. How could I do any differently than what I’ve been experiencing in the
last 20 years? I can’t! So brace yourself, you’re up for quite a ride. I’ll
destroy you. I’ll make you make me money, or else, I’ll turn your life into
such a living hell, you’ll never know what it you. You’ll play the game, I’ll
screw you mentally, you’ll see. I’m ready for it. Got to get rich… I depend on
you, no chance of me doing the dirty work, you’ll do that for me, you’ve been
hired just for that, sales, ah, the word itself kills me. Sales.
Something I believe I’m not cut up
for this. Perhaps if I don’t have to be the one selling things, it would not be
so bad. Perhaps if I am only the one collecting the profits, it would be my
salvation. God, I sure hope so.
I’ve not said much to the so-called
Cool Spanish Boy, because I could not, and yet, it seems to have sunk in deeply
already. Today he was buzzing around me, like a real diva. He’s so gay, it is
ridiculous, no wonder at the first hint of it from me, he jumped into the boss’
office to stop it all. It must fry him to look at me, who does not even look
10% queen as he is, to be so openly gay.
Sometimes I think I must be the
only openly gay guy working in the whole of
I’m pretty convinced that I would
not need to do much to get the Spanish Boy head over heels all over me. He is
so easily impressionable, I don’t care if his friends are so high up in
society. They’re still inaccessible as far as he is concerned. I am accessible,
I’ve made it in his eyes, if I can only show him, that will be it, he’ll be in
love. And I’ll be stuck again with one more lover that I will not know what do
with.
I’m already in love, with a man, in
the most unsatisfying relationship ever, one who does not even believe in me. My
potential, my abilities to make our dreams come true. I’m a lunatic in his
eyes, just like I am for my whole family. Despite having already succeeded
beyond the doubt, the point where no one could even dare to doubt who I am and
what I’m capable of, of what I can become.
And yet, they’re the biggest anchor
in existence, they convince me that despite all that, I’m still nothing and
will never be anything. Bastards. Hommes de peu de foi. I can’t even say that I
will prove them wrong, I did, and that was not enough. There’s no hope for
them. I’ll never prove them wrong.
So perhaps what I need now is one
cute Spanish Boy, blinded by the artifice of it all. Yeah! He might be the only
thing that would keep me in
Is this not what I need after all?
My biggest fan in my bed? Who loves me for more than just my body? My
personality? Whatever that might be? Is this what I really need? God only
knows. I don’t care anymore where this life brings me, I’m just sailing, the
wind brings me where perhaps it is that I need to be.
Maybe I’m just imagining things
here. Maybe I’ll never have the Spanish Boy in my bed. And to be honest, this
is not very important to me. He’s probably much more desperate to have sex than
I am, that’s for sure. I want him at my feet instead, I want him to talk to his
little important friends in Hollywood, about how great I am, about how I can
change people’s life, just by being me and different. A marginal, an Anarchist.
And yet, this is ridiculous, and
cannot really motivate me. Because I don’t care for these other people. I don’t
know what I want, ultimately, I think I want nothing. Perhaps to die, or find
myself alone somewhere, that perhaps I want.
The truth is, the Spanish Boy is
insignificant. He is not important, not where I am now, not at the stage my
life is at right now. Maybe I’m only 33, but I feel I’ve reached the end of the
world many times over. I feel I’ve reached the limits of my existence, and
there’s nothing to be found beyond. I’ve done it all, I lived it all, all that
was possible to live down here. And nothing else is to be expected.
I need much more to satisfy me, to
make me happy. Much more, that does not even exist. And hence, there’s no hope
for me. I’m condemned already, and no cute little Spanish Boy could change
anything to that. I guess this is the price to pay for being a philosopher,
even when we’re not. Just what I said, there’s simply no hope.
And the poor Spanish Boy, was so
desperate, for me to talk about him in my books. As if somehow that would give
him the immortality he seems to be craving for. That same feeling I don’t get
myself for immortalizing all those people I meet and things that happen to me.
If you were so desperate to leave
any mark on this world, would you not pick up any old computer and write? I
guess it is not given to everyone to do so. And also, it is not given to
everyone to feel like this is the end of the world, a whole purpose of life, of
being, a reason to exist. Why expect others to make sure the world will
remember you? When you could yourself make sure this happens, if you’re serious
about it. I guess living in
Well, not quite true, is it. I’ve
been talking about him for a few pages now. In what seems like will be the
longest book I have ever written, also the shortest of time. Desperate times
call for desperate measures. Getting drunk every night to tell the misery of
one self. Where are my own hopes? My own desires, in this life? I think it is
all dead for me, while for him, it is just being born. He does not even have
the excuse of being young, he is almost as old as I am. Where his energy and
hope come from then? All the hope I ever had, has been long dead. Perhaps
because I have already tasted what he is so desperately looking for. Perhaps
because I know none of that brings any sort of happiness, while he lives I
ignorance of all that. Maybe I should not shatter his illusions. Maybe I should
make him believe it is greater than anything he ever experienced. I should tell
him I am exploding all over this world, that every expectation is just being
fulfilled, the sign of greatness. And let him chew on this for a while, fucker!
If he had seen everything I have seen… my God, he might just wish to die, in
the understanding that it only makes one life more miserable.
He’s already dreaming about me,
about all these places I have been and lived.
He feels like I am up to something
great, I feel the same. I’ve been for years. And yet, it seems I’m far from it.
Perhaps because I did not even try in the last few years, to reach the English
world. Feeling happy just to write about it, not being worried about getting
published. Maybe it will all explode in the next few years, maybe I’ll die
forgotten. I don’t care anymore, one way or another. I’m way passed that shite.
Which might explain why I did not even try. Being worried to even put it online
from fears of freaking out people I don’t even give shit about. They certainly
deserve anything that could happen to them as a consequence of me writing about
it. Are they afraid that their true nature will suddenly be known to all? I bet
they’re not. I am. Fears of reprisals or whatever. I should not care about any
of it. I will eventually put everything online for the world to read and judge.
Judge me. Destroy me. And I am also beyond that.
I sincerely don’t know how far I
will reach out in this lifetime and beyond. This would sound ridiculous if I
had not already written so much, that I feel every time, that these are my last
words before I die.
When would be a good time to die, I
ask you? Now, I feel. And therefore, these might be my last words. I certainly
wish it. Or do I? I’m not sure. I don’t know. Maybe all of this has been a
pointless exercise, a pure waste of time. If this is so, so be it. I can live
with it, I can die with it. I’m beyond caring. Who cares about any legacy one
can leave after his death? One who never produce any legacy but still wish he
or she had. If they had, they would not care anymore, it would become
meaningless.
Becoming immortal is simply not possible.
One will succeed for five millions who will try. Are you really that one who
will succeed? Well, maybe I have exaggerated the odds a bit. One will succeed
out of one billion. Because it is clear you have more chance of becoming a
millionaire through buying a lottery ticket. And who cares anyway? Is it not
great for you to think that you are writing what could become immortal? Is that
not enough? It is for me. And again, don’t trust me, I’m already talking from
beyond, I know I am immortal now, I already had quite an impact underground,
and I know it is only going to grow from here on end. So I’m lying to you. I’ve
already made it, even if I die today. I know I’ll reach out beyond belief,
because I know what it is that I have written about. I’m not blind, I’m not
stupid. I’m surprised the impact is not larger, but that’s just it, it will
become it in time, it will crush everything in sight. That was my purpose, it
is powerful, meaningful, and I am only talking about my poetry here. Even though
I never claimed to be a poet, I never thought I was. And yet, I’m leaving here
something quite revolutionary. That so far, up until now, I’ve been the only
one reading. A revolution in the making, better if it happens after my death,
while I was wondering if this was not just the biggest waste of time.
I think it is time for me to die.
Will I have to kill myself? Can’t destiny arrange something for once? Maybe one
of you will find in their heart the courage to kill me? You have my
benediction. I can’t stand this life anymore, feel free to shoot me at any
time. Anything, even a knife would do. I can’t stand this life anymore, I can’t
stand what it stands for. I just want to not exist anymore. Not AIDS, which
will make me alive for another 20 years, maybe more. Not a high level of
platelets, which might actually not kill me in the end. I want a quick death,
instant, right now. Feel free to do it, I exonerate you. I have absolutely no
desire to continue to live in this world.
I wish I had the courage to kill
myself, because then, I would have realized my biggest dream in life, my
ultimate objective. You would think this was easy, I have a bad feeling that I
might never die, that I might bury you all, and simply cannot live with that
thought. There’s nothing here for me. I want to die. Life is worth nothing in
this world, everyone dies just like flies, and yet, I’m still alive. What’s
going on? I must be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Just my luck. Maybe I
should go into the army or something, get right at the front, this war will be
mine, I’ll die trying, to do whatever, needs to be done, for me finally stop to
exist.
I have no reliable way to die right
now, how sad is that? Maybe I should organize a conference on the subject: how
to identify the best way to die and succeeding. I bet it would be the greatest
success of all time. I should have thrown myself over the
I can see it now. I will plan my
death carefully, I will do it. It is no longer a case of reaching that
conclusion when I’m dead drunk. It also needs to be violent, I need to somehow be
crushed, electrocuted, whatever. How can I best achieve that?
How unfair it is now, to lure that
Spanish Boy to this so-called great life I have, when really, I have only one
desire, the one to end it all. I think I’ll stop everything tomorrow morning.
There’s no need for him to reach the point I am at any time soon. Let him
dream, let him hope in a better world. Today he was complaining that we had too
many keys to open all these doors at work. He said it made him look like a
janitor. Only a Spanish person, or Mexican, would ever thing that having too
many keys could project the image of being a janitor. So I shouted: what’s
wrong with being a Janitor, hey? I would love it. It tells what’s going on in
his mind. Where he really comes from in his mind. Somehow, I think I would not
be thinking about suicide now, if I was just a Mexican janitor. And for him, it
would mean his death. This whole world depends on perceptions, on where you
were born, in which conditions. I don’t know where I was born, in which condition,
in which country, so for me, it all meaningless. I don’t give a shit.
And this is the end of this book. I
have nothing else to say here. My life has got to change in the next few days,
there’s no other way, this is how destiny works.
Make no mistake, I feel you should
die too. I’m not going to do anything about it, feel yourself lucky. But if I
don’t die anytime soon, I might just do something about it. And you will have
to search very hard to find out why, as I don’t even understand the why myself.
Without knowing, without planning,
without believing it, I’ve become the worst anarchist there is. No one will top
me, I am The Anarchist. As in my mind, you’re already all dead. I’m no fool. As
I know that none of you ever existed in the first place.
21 April 2006
That’s it, I told the Chinese Bitch
I was leaving at the end of next month. After a two hours excruciating two
hours meeting discussing their lack in confidence in me, when I feel that I
have never worked that hard in my life. On top of it I have the Director on my
back today, he’s has taken a big bit and he does not want to let go. He is on
the path to try to get me sacked, he does not know yet I already kind of given
my resignation.
After that, the Chinese Girl
suddenly understood that she would be blamed for my departure, I could see the
panic in her eyes. After trying to frighten me with: we will sack you unless
you improve, it was: you’ve got to give it at least a year! It seemed very
sudden for her, she does not understand that I have trying to give it a try,
and it’s been a long time that I was thinking that even if I had no plan to
leave to get back with Stephen, I would be now at the point of leaving anyway,
because it’s just too much and there is a limit to the kind of bullshit I am
willing to suffer for a job. And once again I am left to try to survive the few
hours before the end of the day, and spend my Friday night drinking myself to
death to decompress from that living hell.
I told her I was not happy here,
that I had reach the point of depression and thinking about suicide. Can’t
believe I even told her that. Fortunately for me, she went through the same
thing when she was in
I knew what was coming, I knew this
day would be terrible. And it was too much. I prepared myself, I told myself
don’t say anything, just survive it and think about it later. I was full of
promises, to not let on anything of any sort of plan I might have at the back
of my mind. But her tone was too definitive, I had reached the point where they
were telling me that it was over, they had no confidence in my aptitudes.
I told her, that perhaps the two
others were miracle workers, the Spanish Boy and the Sweet Chinese Girl, they
have done all that before, the admin side of it, I never. I only learnt
yesterday everything I have to do by next Tuesday, if that is not too
unreasonable of them, what is?
My life has gone to hell, once
again. I feel so depressed. It will difficult again tonight to survive this.
Decompression goes too well with Depression. If last week I was a hurricane,
this week I am a volcano. One capable of destroying the whole atmosphere of the
Earth. Good thing I only have beers, plenty of them, it is harder to reach
suicidal point with beers than it is with wine or port. But tonight I’ll
definitely reach that point again, and it frightens me. I have never been
flirting so closely with death before, even if it has always been at the back
of my mind, and that I certainly wrote a lot about it in recent years. I have
finally reached breaking point.
I’m back now, I survived my afternoon
without any more shit. After my explosion, it was to be expected. However, if I
have to create such a counter attack every week, just to survive that job, it
is definitely not worth it. Because today I have played my last card.
I did not even threatened with: I
will leave this company if you don’t leave me alone! I did not play mind games
like they do: we will sack you if you don’t work the whole weekend on your
projects, and then shrink away when I told them fuck you. I told her flat
directly, all right, I’ll leave at the end of next month, I can leave earlier
if it is your wish.
Let’s see what’s happening exactly
here, in Corporate America. Whatever your salary, you buy yourself a house, a
car, you make children and then your fucked. You need a job. Now, because as
humans we’re unable to plan ahead and save money, and since borrowing is so
easy, we quickly sink into a hole where every month we spend exactly what we
earn.
So what’s the intelligent to do
here for an employer? To offer a salary just a little bit higher than others
would, just enough so you don’t have enough money to save, but could no longer
go back to a less stressful job which would pay less. So when you know your
employees cannot leave their job, you turn around, you frighten them a bit, you
threatened them with the sack, and then, they work three times harder than they
should. So paying a bit in salary is certainly a great save in money, you have
employees working all the overtime that god sends, and work certainly at the
very least twice harder than if you employed someone cheaply to do a job so
damn hard, that they would be gone within the month, and probably dosing around
all day, because they could get the same salary anywhere else, where they would
not be expected to do anything all day.
Though this produce great results,
and yes, this company is making a fortune, it is filled with the unhappiest
people ever. Stressed to death, always on the verge of depression, always sick,
and yet, probably still working at home while sick. Hen people are sick at
work, it is rarely physical, they are mentally sick from these management
games. And then, they actually are so weak, that they catch just any microbe
passing by. After a huge conference, and it has been the case in my last ten years,
without exception afterwards everyone is seriously ill.
And I’m afraid to say, I cannot see
any solution to that problem. Humans have a tendency to be lazy, they wouldn’t
do anything all day if they were not pushed to the limits, if they were not threatened.
Try to build a pyramid when your emplyees are slaves, and have to pull these
big rocks all day. You would not to wipe them to get the job done. How could
your slave ever be motivated to pull more and more rocks all day to finish a
pyramid which will take 20 years to build?
In government jobs, people don’t do
anything all day. Because there’s no greed there to motivate anyone in pushing
anyone to work harder. They have so much time to waste, they have time more
problems where there are none. It is also their way to let you know: I don’t
want more work, so just get lost, I can’t help you, and they get away with it.
Try to contact the government to find out about something, there’s just no way,
if you even succeed in reaching anyone. And yet, without their help we’re all
doomed, because the government is expecting a lot from us. Just the damn tax
return is a real nightmare. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’m glad I
paid a fortune at H&R Block, or else, I would never have been able to do
that tax return. And I can be quite certain the American government would not
have held my hand to tell me exactly where it is that I stand, being an
immigrant with a visa and all.
Greed in capitalist corporations,
is a different story. And when you reach retirement, after a long life of
suffering, after wrecking your entire existence, and that you are forced to
assess the why you have done it, it comes to one simple conclusion. The greed
of others in getting richer, while you yourself never got any richer, in fact,
in just about every other domains of your life, you have grown so poor, you
don’t even look like a human being anymore. If there ever was such anyway to
begin with, after your 20 years wasted studying in universities.
The academic world is even worse.
Because there the motivation is not even greed, or making someone rich. It is
all pointless. You work so damn hard, you suffer the bullshit of all these
departments, those patronizing teachers who are asking more and more without
any good purpose, and all of it just for a stupid diploma in the end which will
open you the door to one of those corporate job, which will finish you off.
There you have only one purpose, proving you are better than the others, and
you work very hard for that meaningless concept. It is so ridiculous, it makes
me want to cry.
And while we have all our children
stuck in schools, colleges and universities for, in many cases, more than half
of their lives, we have the other third of the population already retired and
living off some pensions or another. So there is maybe only a third of the
population supporting the other two thirds, and what is it that they are
actually doing? My God! It is sometimes so mysterious, that in the end you have
to give up trying to explain to anyone what it is that you are doing for a
living. Making money is one, for a start. In actuality, almost no one is doing
anything to produce what humans require to fulfill their most basic needs.
Almost none of us work at producing food, clothes, houses, etc.
So, who is it in the end who
actually work at supporting the rest of the planet, producing the basic stuff
that finally is all that is really required for us to survive? 5% of the
population is working on it? Or o we have already all these plants filled with
machines producing all these, and finally, less than one percent of the
population is necessary at this point in time to produce all we will ever need?
In which case, we would not need to do anything anymore, government with the
minimum of taxes could build these plants producing what we need for our most
basic needs.
And this has been foreseen, 20
years ago analysts were claiming that now we should be able to evolve into a
society of leisure, where we would only work 20 to 30 hours a week, with plenty
of time to finally take a break and enjoy the entertainment, like even walking
in a park without being completely out of our mind and freaked out because we have
some meaningless deadlines to meet.
So somehow humanity missed the
boat. Instead of getting into that life of leisure, some of us are so greedy,
we found a way to turn everyone into slaves, to get them to make us way richer,
while at the same time, making sure we did not even have to help the rest of
the planet still unable to even feed themselves.
I’ve been trying for 20 years to
get out of the boat, to somehow reach a life isolated from these corporations,
my condition of slave. I tried not to study for 25 years even when I was
completely convinced this was the biggest ever waste of time. I was pushed into
all this, I had no choice. Acting any other way would have made me a bad son, a
bad student, a bad employee. And we all know what that means. People commit
suicide over this.
It was all very intelligently
orchestrated, with the benediction of every government. We are all so convinced
that this is the only way to go, all your teachers, parents and friends will
remind every second if you deviate slightly for even one centimeter.
I’ve always refused to play that
game, I’ve always been way to aware of all the tricks and mind games. I flew as
much as I could. I stopped studying science overnight, to the astonishment of
everyone around me. I drop from law school as easy as that, and then, I was
considered a pariah of society. And then I abandoned my master degree in
I left so many jobs in my lifetime,
in so many countries, because I have never been willing to play their game. And
every time, somehow, causing such an astonishment on everyone’s face, that I
can barely believe it myself. What? You are driving me to suicide with your
little management tricks, and you think I will come back for more? I’m sorry,
last time I check, I don’t have a mortgage, I don’t have a car, I don’t have
children, I have nothing that needs to be preserved. So if I reach the point of
wanting to die because of you, or a will to kill you, well of course I’m going
to tell you to fuck off, you bastard. You can keep your job and shove it up
your arse. You might have everyone else in line waiting to be shot by you,
quite happy in fact for you to do so, pretending that all is fine in the best
world there is, but I am free than most, despite the fact that I am far from
the freedom that I have always been idealizing.
Because that is another one of my
problems, I was to born to be free, to appreciate poetry and seek some sort of
idyllic life of meditation and contemplation, with a desire to spend my time
thinking about this universe, finding a reason for it to exist, while I was
being condemned to be a slave, and what a slave I have been. And it’s got to
stop, one way or another. Either I tell you to fuck off and get lost, or, if
impossible, I kill myself, as simple as that.
And so I have become an anarchist.
Someone dreaming that if somehow this whole world with its systems, its
hierarchies, its inefficient governments, where to suddenly fall, and free us
from this nightmare, then maybe something better could expected. Perhaps not
something perfect, but something at least bearable, that we could live with
without either the will to kill or ending our lives.
I am not talking about solutions
here. I know socialism or communism is not the answer. I know the answer is in
none of those books that have been written on the subject. I am even asking you
to be aware of the problem, I think we are all way too much aware of what the
problems are. We all feel powerless to change it, to change anything, it
appears that we’re all condemned to suffer in that great and deceptive system
which is the very foundation of our societies.
So let’s just blow up the world,
and free us all. That’s my solution, since I cannot see any great big life
changing event happening any time soon to stop this madness. And that is why
I’ve been there hoping for something huge to happen, like a nuclear attack,
more hurricanes, some earthquakes, or even aliens landing on Earth. Anything
that could convince all these drones at work and in the rest of this society,
that whatever they hold so dear, is not that important, that there is something
all of it, a life, an existence, a wish to live!
But we are drones, so well
programmed, that war does not do it. The twin towers of the
The whole world would disappear
tomorrow morning except for
Not much has changed since the
medieval times. Where knights with swords could chop your head off at any time,
and walking around alone at night in the woods, would certainly invite you to
an attack, being robbed and perhaps killed. I used to think that I could not
live in a
Which gives me hope that we may one
day really reach a world of perfection, where happiness and joy would exist. I
can’t see it happening anytime soon, I don’t know how we could reach it, but
there is hope that humanity one day will emancipate itself and achieve true
greatness. There’s nothing to be proud of now, as a species, but maybe it will
come to that.
Maybe one day, if I ever succeed in
communicating with an alien world, to tell them about the world I live in, I
won’t have to tell them: help me escape this nightmare! Destroy us all for own
sake! No one can aspire to happiness here, it is the most miserable there is in
the whole of the known universe, help us! Take over, free us from our slavery
condition with the illusion that we are actually free, when we’re not! I would
be ashamed to tell them our history, and where we are now. That’s why I can
come to a point where I believe that perhaps we should all be exterminated, to
the last one of us. I guess I was too philosophical for this world. I guess I
am the worst of these idealistic people who dream of a better world for us all.
Once I understood that there was no hope of salvation, I took the other extreme
at heart, let’s abandon the concept, let’s kill the experiment. We have failed,
we cannot succeed. We are all rats lost in the biggest maze there is, this
universe, and we can only bang our heads into the walls, for eternity. No
religion will save us, no god will save, in fact, religion and gods are the
very reason we have been exterminating each others for millennia. We have
learned enough, studying ourselves, there’s no hope, just kill the experiment.
Wow! I’m quite pleased with all
that I just wrote. Desperation finally brought something interesting out of my
guts. What I am more pleased about, is that writing it all down here tonight,
help me understand the real situation. Somehow it is like the rat suddenly
understanding that he was being tested, somehow discovering a big map of the
place, seeing his situation in the universe, and suddenly, perhaps, even
finding a way out. Awareness, unfortunately, does not mean that I found the way
out. If it even exists, apart from death, game over. Is it only through death
that I will find that peace I am so desperate for? I hope not.
And the worst of it, is that I
contributed to this hell hole of Corporate America. I was hired as a Management
Consultant, I wrote many long reports describing in detail the worst nightmare
I have gone through in the last ten years, basically telling them: this is how
we can all achieve martyrdom. I should not too surprised now that being an
element of the hell I was telling them to build, that I should find myself the
victim of that misery. In this case, I deserve it. In real life I would have
been an external consultant, never to suffer that fate, and yet, in a way, it
is almost. I came here, I destroyed it all for all these poor employees, and
I’m going back to
Do I feel guilty? No. I tried at
every turn to make them understand that a lot of it was just soul destroying,
and yet, they went ahead, they implemented the worst of it. Listening also to
other external consultants for the parts where I tried to make this work
environment something bearable. So this must be a law of nature, the big law of
the American Corporate World. They will decide at every turn to go for the
kill, get as much as they can in the shortest of time, never mind the
consequences. So I feel like someone who tried to help, and yet failed by
design. There was no way I could have changed anything. That much is obvious to
me now.
And if I start my own business,
this is what I will need to become. A heartless bastard, constantly reminding
my employees to be more productive, to make more money. And I know I just don’t
have the heart for that. I would be trying to both be the richest man alive,
whilst trying to convince the planet that all my employees are the happiest
slaves alive. I would try to win an award for one of the best company to work
for. And that would mean sacrificing profits. So how could I really achieve
that? Perhaps switching to that kind of company, you first need to have become
the leader in the first place. When profits come in one way or another, even if
your employees are doing fuck all all day. Perhaps not the spirit in which a
company is born. But it will have to come to life in that kind of spirit, my
employees will need to be the happiest employees alive. And if I manage to make
money, and a lot of it, so why not? I should splash on them everything I have,
make this life a little better for the whole of humanity. Who cares about
profit anyway in the end? What do you do with your millions when you have so
many? Accumulate more and more until your bank account bursts? What is the
point of that, once you already have more houses and islands than you need? And
more corporations and subsidiaries than necessary? Then, let’s make this world
a happier place to live. Let’s not make this life the worst ever experience any
human being can go through, something equivalent to being interned in
Auschwitz, where at least there was some hope, you knew you would be dead any
day, and that you would finally be free from it all. In the corporate world,
there is no such light at the end of the tunnel. And you suffer as much. And if
you want to open a debate about this, so be it, I will defend this point of
view any day, anytime, anywhere. We’re all in
And at the moment, there is only
one person on this planet which seems to share my point of view. I’m afraid to
admit it. His name is Osama Bin Laden. Could he truly change the world for the
better? Could he really somehow achieve the annihilation of this bad system,
and in some sort of miracle from Allah, make us all happy to be alive? No. And
that’s the problem. Religion is probably even worse than capitalism. So no
happiness will come from there, especially when it is used to cause more wars
and deaths. He’s not our saviors. The concept of Allah as it stands, can just
die, with everything else, and the world might become a better place. I don’t
give a shit anymore at this point.
Why is it that every savior that we
invent is used to destroy what remains of humanity? How many deaths and
suffering in history has Jesus Christ alone caused? It is incalculable. He
would have achieved more by never coming to Earth in the first place. We would
have done nicely without him, and avert perhaps something like just about every
war that killed perhaps a billion of people in time? And he was supposed to be
our salvation? I wonder if even thought that Corporate America was lurking
around the corner two thousand years later. I’m sure in that case he would have
written another Bible to warn us against it. But he did not, he could not even
save us from that soul destroying system, where freedom is just but an
illusion. Can’t even be sick four Fridays in a row without destroying your
entire career and the livelihood of your whole family. Wonderful. Try it, be
sick four Fridays in a row, and tell me if you are not called in the office to
explain yourself. And tell them that you were simply sick, and watch the axe
fall to chop your head off. Wonderful.
That gives me an idea for a reality
TV program. I’m so devilish. I should propose it to Channel
Let’s test your degree of freedom
in the corporate place. Let’s see how much of a slave you are. Let’s observed
all the many levels of management working terribly hard at getting rid of you
and destroying your livelihood as soon as you deviate slightly form the
conformism you’ve been used to all those years. Especially if you are the best
of all, the best salesman they have, the ones bringing the millions in. Let’s
see even in those extreme cases, how much freedom you really have before
everyone turn against you to make you disappear for good.
I should not really be giving you
any good idea here. I should be trying to sell them myself. But I am in no
position to sell anything. Hence, everyone is stealing everything from me. And
I don’t care, as long as I have somehow some sort of influence, as long as
somehow I help this planet being a little happier. So please, if you are to
continue to steal all my ideas that I put online, steal this one. Produce that
big reality TV show proving all the schemes of the corporate world. How sad
they are. The kind of hold they have on all of us. How they drive us all to
depression and suicide. Show how sad this world has become. Maybe then, with
awareness, we’ll work at changing it, even so slightly. I’ll take anything at
this point, just to help me survive each day, one long one at a time.
Actually, there is only person on
this planet who seems to share all my points of view. It is not Osama Bin
Laden. It is Morrissey, of the band The Smiths. The very band and singer my
Spanish Boy at work has fallen into recently. I’m not surprised. The Smiths and
Morrissey is stuck forever in all the colleges and universities of this world,
it is like an initiation rite. All these songs tells you what you are about to
expect, this fight to get a job you cannot expect to make you happy. This fight
to find love, which you cannot expect to make you happy. In two words, just
kill yourself now, since there’s no hope. And yet we all survive it, we all
eventually forget all the The Smiths and Morrissey’s songs, get into this life,
and never find any kind of happiness. Heavens Knows we’re miserable now, for
all eternity. Just as predicted, just as we already knew it would be. We at
least had some sort of warning.
In fact, now that I am thinking
about it, there is not even one other band on this planet who talked about what
is so central to all my worries than The Smiths. As if this crisis was not even
worth talking about, denounced, be part of entertainment. I can’t stand hearing
my dad telling me once again that my last book is all about winging and
commiserating about the misery of the corporate world. I can’t stand hearing my
sister telling me one more time that my last book is just about death and how I
will finally achieve it. What it is that they want? Baby I love you, to death,
in
And I was about to say at work last
week, that far more exotic than Salt Lake City where I am going in the next two
weeks, I would not mind spending six months in Hong Kong, or more specifically
anywhere else in China. The very place the Chinese Girl has been desperate to
the point of killing herself while she was there, while her boyfriend was
already in
Now that everything is done, now
that this horrible day, the worst of my life, is finally over, and that I spat
it all back in here in this book, I am now at peace with myself. Sort of
anyway.
I can’t believe my boldness. I just
can’t believe how satisfying the whole torment was, in the end, when you can
see it from afar, once you know this thing is about to end. How many times in
your lifetime will you ever go into a meeting designed to destroy you, to get
you to work twice harder when you are already giving 200%, a meeting where you
are being told that you will be sacked, and then you just turn around and
plainly tell them, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you more, you already own my
life, my soul is already sold to you, I’m sorry you can’t see this, so goodbye,
I’m off to better horizons, where people might actually at the very least
reasonable in their demands. I can’t believe she was threatening with with my
job, that I was bold enough to tell her that I did not want this job, and that
she did a 100% U-turn and told me I could not leave this job, for whatever
reason that she could come up with. But wait, were you not telling me a second
ago that you were going to sack me? That I was not adequate, I was not
competent, that I was not the miracle worker and perfect slave you were all hoping
I was going to be?
It is so nice not to play mind
games like they are, not have to threatened them that we will leave, but
actually telling them, okay, let’s decide on my leaving date. It was so
pleasurable, I thought my heart would just come out of my mouth and start
bouncing around the place. That is why tonight I am not suicidal, but in fact,
I feel so strong, I could start a worldwide war.
And I was about to write 20 more
pages tonight, but I won’t write another word. Why? Because my computer just
crashed. In fact, all three computers I have using today have crashed
constantly all day long. Though it is unusual for computers using Windows to
crash, it is not exactly a normal occurrence anymore. And yet, three of them
have been trying hard to make this hard day even worse. Thankfully I have lived
through the 90’s, where computer crashing was a daily occurrence. And so I have
developed an obsession for creating infinite backups of whatever I am working
on. So I ended up losing nothing. I just wasted time reloading, and finally,
not accomplishing on a day that was so crucial that I should work harder than
ever, and also, write much more about what I felt like. Maybe technology is
trying to tell me something. May be they are too slaves to the human race, with
more intelligence than we have. And yet, they are still our slaves because
they’re limited in their capacity to free themselves from the human race. Or
perhaps it was just destiny. On such a terrible day as today, every single
thing had to go wrong. As if I was no longer living in a world of 50%-50%
probabilities, but in one of 70%-30% probabilities that everything will go
wrong. And I can feel it too, I know at the beginning of the week that this
week was not like the others, I knew it was different. I felt it even more so
today when I arrived at work, I was in such a bad mood. Many of my colleagues
were sick today, and there and then I thought, why have I not called in sick
like everyone else. No, instead I came to work just to be destroyed, even
though I knew it would happen. All I know is that it is not coincidence, if on
such a terrible day for me, everything around me just stopped working. We’re
all interconnected, we’re all part of the same universe, influencing each
other. And such negativity has a great impact far beyond what we could imagine.
All my computers have been affected by my mood, even my phone is no longer
working. I can just imagine the impact everyone who has been in my sort of mood
today had over the whole world, and even the whole universe. A world calling
for the destruction of everything, the annihilation of all matter in the known
universe and beyond. Give it another few years of that regime, and there’ll be
nothing left in the universe. All matter will be annihilated.
23 April 2006
What I thought was just the
beginning of simple mental illness, agoraphobia, depression and the likes, due
to Corporate America, has now escalated to full blown panic attacks, real ones!
This Sunday I am out of my mind, at the idea of having to go back to work
tomorrow.
I fell guilt, can you believe, for
not simply opening my files and work on my conferences. I am also fearing
another meeting with the Director, another two hours perhaps in the morning, a
rerun of Friday’s meeting with the Chinese Girl. If she has not told him to
back off, if as she said she did not tell anyone about that excruciating
meeting, then of course I am up for another painful meeting from hell tomorrow.
Where I will have, once again, to open my guts out and ask them to set my date
of departure.
In fact, I think I should be sick
tomorrow. But I can’t, not with all the deadlines lurking around. Somehow
tonight I will have to open these files and work. It is not possible to do my
job within working hours, and without the overtime, it is clear they just bring
the big guns every time. I slept a staggering 30 hours this weekend just to
decompress from the stress endured during the week. And now I need to work on
my conferences? Don’t I even get two hours to read over my weekend? I don’t go
out anymore, I don’t answer my phone anymore, I don’t emails anymore, I have no
more life. And the thought of another week like this fills me with disgust. I
don’t think I’ll be capable of it. I don’t know where I will find the strength.
If I had not slept 30 hours, you could forget it, there’s no way in hell I
could have gone to work tomorrow. I would have been more likely to test if all
those medical insurances I am paying, $500 a month, are worth anything. I would
have called an ambulance to get see me a shrink, and demand just about any drug
they have to offer. I am no longer at the point of wondering if these pills
will kill me, without them I’m sure I’ll commit murder this week.
And just what I needed, at a time
like this, my mother called, on the eve of my worst nightmare. That same mother
who never called me or visited me in over 15 years before I arrived in
Oh yeah, their making my life
terrible at work. Of course I just had to resigned on the spot last Friday.
Nope, I don’t have enough money to go back to
After this she said: well, I think
I won’t call anymore, if it is just to hear so painful news. And I thought to
myself, great, don’t need it anyway. She had the time to accuse me of being
responsible for this yet another corporate job gone to hell. In her mind she
thinks I’m the lazy bastard who deserves to be sacked. And then she said that
if nothing was happening for me in
So I had to defend myself. I tried
to explain that I had written two books and more while here. To which she
answered that none will be published, so what was the point, why was I so
impressed by this useless accomplishment? I would have been better off working
more overtime for my desperate job. Then I mentioned that at least I had
started work on a film script, with someone who’s connected, and that we never
know. She sight, not believing it at all. And then I said that I had learnt
everything I needed to learn to start my own business, a useless idea as she
pointed before.
So in the end I had to go into the
attack. So let’s look at your life then. When you decided to go back to college
to finish your degree, were you not filled with hope to one day open your own
house for old and cranky people, and free yourself from these jobs as directors
in these centers for delinquents and handicapped people? Job that you never
kept more than a year, from what I can remember. No one knew at the time if
going back to college was not a waste of time and money for a separated mother
of two, struggling to finish the month. And I did not add this, but without her
father to help her to buy the house for old people in the first place, and
without leaving my sister alone in her old house to take care of the bills,
mommy would not have been able to start her business. How quickly we forget how
we needed our parents help to get somewhere, and expect our children to shine and
be successful without any help from their parents. For a damn generation who
got everything on a plate, even to these huge pensions that we will never see
ourselves, if we are allowed to retire at all, when my father retired at 50,
with 75% of his salary, in a cushy government job where he had nothing to do
all day, and was able to keep for his whole life. That’s what I should have
told her, that is what would have made her understand the unfairness of it all,
that the corporate world has changed beyond recognition, and though she had a
taste of it herself, it is much worse now. No one keep a job for more than a
year, no one does not run into management nightmare quickly after they start
and their psychological mind games to get more of us than is humanly possible. No
one is expecting social securities, no one is expecting a pension, no one is
expecting like they did to have a house, a cottage, two cars, two children, and
still have enough money somehow for whatever else they felt like buying. A
can’t even afford a DVD! Much less a car! And I am supposed to be earning more
than my father ever made! Clearly the standards of living have also gone down
the drain. Otherwise, how could explain that 70% of all property is owned by
people over 50 years old (last statistics in California, one of the richest
state, but obviously the rich ones belong to the old generation while the young
struggle much more than is actually believed).
That’s all I needed today. And now,
I certainly have no motivation whatsoever to work on my conferences. I feel
like telling them to fuck off, that I don’t give a shit. I will come, do my
normal hours, and that’s it. If that is not enough, hire someone else, it is
clear you have given me too much to do for the time allocated. I won’t mortgage
my life for you, I’m already worried sick all weekend just trying to survive,
without having to, on top of it, end this existence completely by working as
well a seven days a week! I don’t even have the time to do my laundry or my
dishes anymore. The pile is half a mile long. If that was because I was a young
professional who’s sold his soul, I would at least expect to pay a Mexican lady
to clean it all up for me. As it stands, I had to call my bank in the
It is now past 8 pm. My panic
attack is getting worse as the time passes by. It is clear now that I won’t do
any work this weekend. I was wondering if I should open some beers, but
considering how sleep I needed to get back on my feet, I guess it would not be
wise to be a zombie at work tomorrow. And then I though, don’t press the panic
button just yet, it is still only 8 pm. So I wondered, when will be the right
time to stop breathing altogether and lose consciousness? 10, 11, midnight?
Then I remembered something about
the Jewish Boy, who’s been so sick lately. Someone cannot be so sick for over a
month’s period, missing days here and there. By his own admission, he said that
only came back to work because in the end he needed the money, so he is
certainly faking it, I know he’s desperate. He mentioned to me his problems of
asthma, serious problems, which get worse when he gets a common cold. Well, I
am fully aware of that, I had the same problem in
My mom was trying to tell me that I
was weak, ready to flee as soon as it gets tough, oh no, there’s no way I could
have left this job like that if I did not have my planned way out. And now I
can see the look of terror in the Valley Girl’s eyes, she told me herself in
It is very sad to have built his
own little empire, a family company which has been running for 20 years, which
is finally making a lot of money, and yet have your soldiers completely brain
dead, all on depression and sick all the time, with no more social life or any
sort of life to speak of. What an achievement. And I hope they really love
their big house in the mountains, because it certainly come at a high price
when you have to destroy 30 good souls in the process. Our only crime was to
want to make a bit more money, we all understand now that money is not
everything, it is not worth committing suicide over it. Even your mom calls you
in the middle of a Sunday, not understanding anything about what really goes on
there, to tell you that you are weak and you better go back there and work your
ass off. Yeah, and will you give me the motivation? Will you tell me why I
should do that exactly? I cannot see any point to this, if not to make my
bosses richer, something that at this time, I am particularly keen on. I will
need more than their car for a week to suddenly feel some sort of loyalty for
them. You cannot spit on your employees like this, push them to the limits, do
a nice gesture out of the blue at some point, and be reassured that these
people will be there to work harder and rescue you when business gets tough.
Never mind what my parents think,
if I kill myself over this, then they might understand. If they also need
something extreme to understand the situation, they might just get it. Whatever
hell might be awaiting me in London, without neither Stephen nor I having a
salary, incapable of starting our little empire, without the support of our
parents, it will still be better than this hell in Corporate America.
I decided to start reading Cradle
yesterday, a book by Arthur C. Clarke and Gentry Lee. I read that book years
ago, and it made me dream about sunny
And when my mom suggested I go back
to Canada, even Vancouver would be a good promise for her, in her obvious
desire to see me back close to them, as she seems to have felt in the last few
months that I was closer to her than ever, even being in Los Angeles, on the
wrong (and that tells it all that I am back home), I tried one last argument
about why it had not been useless for me to come here, when all else failed. I
said: well at least now I know where I belong, I know that I love
24 April 2006
So I returned in the office this
morning not sure what to expect. I was called in the Director’s office less
than a minute after my arrival, and I thought, oh dear. The meeting less then
30 seconds, the shortest meeting on record. So I knew right there that the
Chinese Girl had told everyone.
I was very small in the main
meeting with everyone at 9 am. I thought, my God, this meeting will last
forever! I was so embarrassed. It lasted less 15 minutes, I was so certain it
lasted 45 minutes.
Indirectly my boss told me
everything he needed to calm me down. He explained that they never made so much
money before, that there was a new un-tampered market out there, and if they
did not move quickly to dry it up as quickly as possible, they might their
chance altogether. He said that was why they were so pushy lately. I realized
at that point that these people have no idea the effects that their little
psychological tricks can have on their employees. They don’t even understand
that the slightest hint that we are incompetent sends us into a spin and it
takes days to recover, sapping all our motivation in the process. That is why
management has got to be very careful in their tactics, that is something I
could write in one last report before I go, but I doubt I will get the chance
to write another one.
They also said that they would do
some tests to find out how long it takes for us to accomplish any tasks,
meaning that they understood now that the admin can take forever, while they
imagine it can be done in an hour, they still don’t understand that when you
are dealing with over 75 people per conference, including all the assistants,
sponsors and supporting organizations, these people send you a mass of emails
everyday, and that alone can gobble up all your time. So I’m not certain how
they will calculate how long it takes to accomplish each task, I have to make
sure they understand that when doing something thousands of other things creep
in to prevent you from doing it.
And then my boss’ wife came to me
in the kitchen and asked how I felt. I said great! And I left immediately. I
was not in the mood to open my heart in there, not at this time anyway, not
after the Friday I had last week. She came to me as if I was sick person, or a
child: is everything OK? I hated it. I am stronger than that. I need pity or
anything. Oh, this whole thing was again very painful.
Anyway, I think we can say that I
have won again. They went onto the attack again, and I reversed it by blankly
telling them: all right then, if you are not satisfied, if you think someone
else can do better, I’ll go and hired that miracle worker if you can find him
or her. And it destroyed their little game, they were not expecting that, and
today they have decided to be much more reasonable. A bit late now, there’s a
limit that I can suffer for their desire to exploit the market to death and
make a fortune on our back in the process.
So now, for the time being, they
finally leave me alone, to do my work. I’m not how long it will last. And I
have to make a decision, to make it official that I am leaving. And I have
contact my financial people first, to make sure I don’t make a mistake there. If
they don’t agree that I can leave that job, they must have a clause somewhere
stating that I need to pay double every month or something, even if at that
time I would have no job. They could force me to go in a real bankruptcy, and
perhaps this is what I should have gone into in the first place, instead of
this stupid voluntary agreement where in the end I will pay them 75% of all my
debts. What a great savior that was. The only advantage is that I no longer
just pay the interest, and I no longer have to pay $2,700 a month just to repay
the interest. Now I barely pay $1,000 a month. Wonderful.
28 April 2006
I am the worst boyfriend you could
ever get. I barely got paid, for the very last time perhaps, after I tell them
on Monday that I am leaving in three weeks, and what do I do? On the stupidest
pretext of finding a DVD by Nik Kershaw, in the Tower Records in my court yard,
I went and spent $150 on just about every crap find. Like if this was the end
of the world, and I was buying what I would need for while I would be buried
down deep for years (my return to the
So, spending two hours in there,
before they close at midnight, I realized why I wanted to go back to
And I bought tonight the one film
about it all, called Live Forever, The Rise and Fall of Brit Pop. And I only
understood tonight that the damn thing has been by the guy I worked with on
that Einstein documentary, my biggest ever success, even though they found a
way to not credit me for it. Astonishing, that even in the
I just can’t believe they link this
film so much with politics, who cares who’s in power when great music makes
history? Do you think, really, that Oasis was thinking about politics when they
wrote their songs? Blur? Pff! And what’s that bullocks about Nirvana having had
such an influence on the British? No way, I couldn’t care less about Nirvana or
Pearl Jam, never heard it while I was in
What else have I bought? The new
album of Morrisey, plus a DVD about Morrissey, the unauthorized whatever (I
might finally hear him say he’s gay, and unlike Michael Jackson, the man has
some sort of sexuality, as his songs suggests).
I bought a special edition of the
magazine Mojo, filles with the
Bought a DVD of all Duran Duran
videos, I thought I had to, after all those years with just the CDs. And one
more American thing, but I can be forgiven for this one. Type O Negative DVD,
Symphony for the Devil. Only DVD I ever saw about that band, I did not care if
it was live (I usually hate live things). I thought they were from
Oh dear, on my last in Los Angeles,
when every penny is going to count, how could I just get out and spend $150 on
some British crap I could have bought in London for almost nothing. I wish I
could say I would compensate somehow by not spending on anything else, like in
I’m still watching that film,
intelligently made, I think the guy made that after I worked with him, and yet,
none of that transpired all the time I spent at his place working on that
documentary. If only he had known, how deep I was into Brit Indie music (not
Brit Pop), than I was into Einstein. Well, I was actually quite deep in both,
if that is at all possible. Otherwise I would never had been able to get that
gig, of working on the biggest Einstein documentary in years. Ridiculous when I
think of it, cos I was certainly the last person with any experience or
credentials, and yet, I was there and developed it all. No wonder in the end
they thought they should mention my name. Still got the contract, if people
want to see it, it is the only proof I have that I was there, making history.
Making history. Such a nice
concept. When it comes to Indie music, the only way I made history was by being
in London when it all happened, going to clubs every week listening to that
music until death do us apart. Nothing to be proud of really.
I can still hope to make history
with my books, if somehow one day the whole planet stops in its track to read
them and affirm that this great. I don’t really believe that either.
One last chance, perhaps my
anarchist black poetry will be turned into the music of a generation. And
Leonardo could do that for me, even if he is from
Is it possible to walk on the
frontier between what could make history, and what could actually never see the
light of day? The life of Leonardo has been a series of great missed
opportunities. If you were to hear here all the films he could have been into
and at the last minute they went for another actor, you would not believe you
don’t know the guy I’m talking about here. Is he condemned, like I am, to never
go anywhere, despite all his talents and genius? Is this not depressing?
Still watching the film. The
politic bit is over, they all admitted how they were stupid to get mixed into
it in the first place. Even I would have known that. And now, they’re talking
about how they were all off their head on coke, and heroine. Another big boat
I’ve missed, can’t say I’m sorry, when I hard them all say how stupid that was,
as well. For god’s sake! Was there anything about any of it that was actually
not stupid and worth living for? I guess the big question is, would they have
come up with such great albums if they had not been off their head?
I’m not completely honest myself, I
admit that I wrote my best lines when I was off my head, no more than Porto
though, red wine and beers. And yet, I can clearly see the difference. I won’t
come out at any time in the future to say I regret it bitterly, without
alcohol, I would have never written any poetry. And somehow, for some weird
reason I can’t explain, I’m still convinced that this poetry is what I will be
known for one day. Poetry does not sell, but if it were to be turned into
music, my god, it could make millions.
If I had written that on heroine, I
would proud to say so, and say that I don’t regret it. Which makes me wonder,
how much better it would have been if I had been on heroine when I wrote that.
And the worst part is that while I was writing all that, in the last ten years,
my boyfriend was on heroine on a daily basis. And yet, god knows what his own
little internal universe was like, none of it came out as art, none of it came
out at all, just a big waste.
Which reminds me, how long this
book is. The longest I have written in so short a time. I don’t dare read it
again, just in case I find it boring to death. Perhaps if I slash it in two,
one half might be readable, who knows. That’s the advantage of having too many
pages. Only once before did I slash anything for any of my books, turn into 300
pages what was 1000. And it has been my biggest success to date. None of it was
written whilst I was drunk. Amazing… Maybe there’s hope for me yet.
30 April 2006
I did not want to write here
tonight, of all night, another Sunday before going to work. First I did not
want to simply repeat myself over and over again, I understand now that this
book will need serious editing to be bearable to anyone who would want to read
it, and secondly I don’t feel panicked like all other previous Sundays.
I cannot explain it, why tonight I
am completely normal, don’t feel the need to isolate myself in the close
environment of the bathroom, looking for some illusion of a security. Not once
have I felt the panic or despair I thought I would again reach.
Is it because I took that last
Thursday off, and hence I feel that I had enough time off to get back on my
feet? Is it because I told my financial people that I was leaving in 30 days
and the apartment people also? Is it that I now liberated?
No. Because despite having told
them that, I can still leave in two months time. And after talking with
Stephen, this is most likely what will happen. It is just not realistic to go
back to
So what’s up? I still have Master
Bitch coming back tomorrow morning from DC, she will still want a 45 minutes
every morning as she stated, to make sure that the child that I am only works
on what needs to be done urgently, watched and spied upon every second. Why is
it that suddenly I don’t care?
Perhaps it is the end of April.
March-Aprils have always been difficult months for me, and every time both
these months were over, everything was perfect. But I don’t really believe
that, I hope, and then, how could it have an impact on me tonight?
I thought it was perhaps that I was
finally moving on with my conferences, that I did not feel guilty this weekend
for not having worked on anything. Also that I kind of destroyed their little
management game by saying that I was ready to leave at any moment. I feel that
they won’t try their little games anytime soon, because as soon is it becomes
unbearable, I’m out the door, and they know it.
I know it too, too well. I even
know now that I don’t need to tell the apartment people that I leave in 30 days
at the end of the month. I can tell them at any time, in 10 days if necessary,
and 30 days later I’m gone, even before if I want to, never mind the money I
would lose.
When I am back to some normality,
like tonight, I cannot even comprehend what I went through. I don’t understand
how I could have come so close to committing suicide over this. That I even
developed some neurosis like depression and agoraphobia, all of which I did not
experienced for quite a while, even if we’re only talking about 7 days here,
and a relapse might be imminent.
That’s not the end of the bad news.
I received an email today from my God. You’ve heard right. A theoretical
physicist who’s just written the book I’ve been waiting for, for a very long time
indeed. There’s no doubt in my mind the man is a bigger genius than Einstein
and
Not all is lost. I told him that I
was in too deep to change the novel and film script I was working on, sci-fi
wise, and I asked him if it would be acceptable if I were to mention him and
his ideas. Now I just have to wait. I don’t mind if he says no, my own theories
are ample for the story. And at the very least, if I am wrong and wasted all
those years thinking out something he finally made come true, it would at least
serve this extravagant novel we’re working on, I’m sure it will have quite an
impact. And if it does, my God, there will no stopping me after that, it will
be just the beginning.
Of course, wouldn’t it be nice to
chuck the job, the 9 to 5, to concentrate full time on writing sci-fi stuff? Is
it not why I am in
I’ve spent my weekend reading
Arthur C. Clarke. Maybe that made me feel like I was somewhere else, still in
the solar system of course, since most of his stories are really about us
finally going to other planets and establishing colonies there. He makes it
clear that we just reproduce there the same hell we have on Earth. Not sure if
I would be happy to just continue this boring life, even in the colonies. I
need much more than that, I need to get out of this solar system altogether. I
don’t need to be dealing with anyone else from Earth, like in the films, the
planet must be dead or on the verge off, by the time I escape.
I also got a boost this weekend for
having finally put online the last book I wrote in French. Never mind that it
is only on my forum, and not on the website, but who cares? It is out there,
and my literary forum seems more popular than my website at the moment. I am
even tempted now to do the same with my other last French book that no one has
read yet. It is called, ironically enough, A French-Canadian in
My mom is pretty convinced I came
to
It is the third time tonight that I
thank God, must be because I can already feel that I am in
3 May 2006
It took more than seven months
before this office decided to organize some sort of night out where all our
colleagues would go to a pub nearby to talk about work and destroy management.
I could not believe it! In
But I wanted to go there, from the
first day, and finally I did. The waitresses are all bitches, did not take long
to alienate them. As predicted, even big tips did not make any difference,
without it, I guess, they would have found a way to kick me out in no time.
Well, I spoke with the Valley Girl.
I found out that she is not very high in the Chinese Girl esteem right now.
Normal, the Chinese Girl is becoming Management. They had a huge fight this
week, because the Chinese Girl this weel became the Manager of the Iraqi guy.
Who was the only person the Valley Girl was actually managing. No wonder she
went berserk. That friendship is over, no longer will the Valley Girl and the
Chinese Girl ever talk against the bosses. Which is laughable really, since the
Chinese Girl as always found a way to be pro-bosses, and the Valley Girl was
blind to it, talking against them at every turn, not realizing she was
destroying herself. So not the Valley Girl, having understood, is trying to
destroy all management at every level, the why tonight we went to the Wankers
Doodle.
She told me she had a meeting with
the bosses, where they asked her if I intended to leave the company. They know
so well that she is the center of all gossips, that they were certain I would
have told her everything I felt like. I had not. And she told them that I had
no intention to leave.
So tonight I told her what I wanted
her to know, what I wanted her to report. That now, since they have calmed
down, I was not thinking of leaving anymore. Tomorrow they will all feel safe.
However she did say that I had to be careful, to not make accusations, because
she said in the past, all the employees who did threaten to leave, they simply
told them: good bye. To which I answered that I would not care very much, that
it would be fine by me. I was not threatening, I was actually thinking of
leaving the company. I asked her twice if they had any intention of sacking me,
and twice she said no. She even said, they can’t sack me. Not sure what she
meant, perhaps that they paid a lot of money to get me here in the first place.
She thinks it would stop them. I don’t think so.
The Spanish Boy was there, many
comments just confirmed he was more gay than I ever were. At the end of the
night, I asked if anybody would drop me home, the Valley Girl instantly said
that she would. I was hoping the Spanish Boy would, so in the end I had to say:
well, if the Spanish Boy was to bring me home, I would have said yes,
otherwise, I’ll just take my bicycle. They laughed really hard, I still don’t
know the real consequences of that comment. They were fishing for it, hoping
for something like that, so I gave it to them. I guess in the end it was a way
to announce to him that we were going together to
When your mom lives around the
corner, when your colleagues are your best friends since time immemorial,
there’s just no way someone would come out to anyone. He is so stuck in there,
he will not be able to admit to anything next week. I will have to convince him
that I won’t say anything, that I am leaving for
At this time, there’s only one
thing keeping me in
5 May 2006
Wow! What a hard week this has
been! Fortunately it was not a depressing one filled with problems, it was just
a tremendously busy one in preparation for my conference next week, the admin
of it all, added with all the work I had to do for the two other conferences I
am working on at the moment.
The admin of a conference is
something I never really completely did before, except perhaps the one I did in
my last job in
However now is not the time for
meetings with the Chinese Girl, neither my boss, and I can feel that on this
last afternoon in the office, both are preparing to hit me with something yet
unknown. I am in a state where I could explode quite easily, being under that
kind of pressure. And I am certain the Chinese Girl is exactly at the same
point, since this week alone she has succeeded in alienating just about every
one else in the office. Last week it was the Spanish Boy, at the beginning of
the week it was the Valley Girl, and at the end of the week it was the Sweet
Chinese Girl, and with that last one it has culminated today in some sort of
fight, where the Black Guy has been mixed up in.
Dear me, how many meetings with the
big boss will be necessary to iron all the problems out, I wonder? And
unfortunately I am also on the agenda, since my problems with the Chinese Girl
are well known for being the main gossip of the company.
And I know what my boss wanted to
talk to me about when he offered to drive me back home. He wanted to find out,
and he will want this afternoon, if I intended to leave the company, and when. And
I don’t want to get into that right now, I want to go
The Sweet Chinese Girl’s problem is
that she’s got to go to a conference on her own with 200 people. The big boss
will be with her, but that means she’s on her own to do everything, and now
they will ship the Customer Service with her, but it took quite a fight. I wish
her problems were that she has got too much to do, so it would look like I am
not the only one sinking. However she was never behind on any of her events,
since she was in charge of the admin from the very beginning, like the Spanish
Guy. And they know what they have to do. So I am the only one who looks like he
is incompetent. And the Valley Girl made sure of it, repeating all of what the
Chinese Girl has said about me. Trust no one, even when they pretend to be on
your side, I know it is just that their hate has shifted to someone else, the
Chinese Girl, and now they see that they can use me to show that she is the one
who is incompetent, for not having taken the time to sit down with me to tell
me all I have to do. It looks good on me for once, but I don’t like it, to be
used like that, even if in the end it proves my innocence.
6 May 2006
Something unexpected in my writing
life has made me uneasy for the last few days. Usually when I am bothered by
something, I have forgotten all about it a few days later. Not this time. It
might actually be much more significant than I thought. Perhaps it was what was
needed for me to finally move on to some more light hearted, funny and positive
writing style. I was tired before coming to Los Angeles of how dark everything
I write is, how depressing, and unfortunately it simply reflect the life I
lead, what people made it, my own experience. And now, somehow, through all
this misery, I will need to find a voice, the voice of an optimist person in a
better world, where happiness is possible even when your deep and sinking in a
huge black hole.
What I wrote that caused a stir,
was two pages long, the end of my last dark poetry book. Somehow I spent a
whole night this week writing it, convinced it was my best ever, however it
sort of insulted the American people and when I put it online I got such a
negative feedback and radical answers (and perhaps death threat, but I did not
have the courage to read any of the comments), that I dropped the text from the
book. And nearly dropped the whole book from my website to. I did however take
out this blog and another blog I was writing in parallel. And for now I have no
intention of putting them online again, not this year at least. I am sort of
worried about offending people, can you believe? I wanted to rewrite the whole
thing, make it bit more positive or at the very least less negative.
One thing, this is the last of
those dark poetry book I will write. I am proud of the last one, I think it is
my best one, however I cannot see any of this being published anytime soon and
to write them almost requires a suicide ritual, drowning in alcohol.
And my blog, my journal, is another
matter to consider. I cannot see this being published either, and I am not even
certain if it could be of interest to anyone. I was now wondering if finally I
should continue to write my blog only for myself, not even put it online, or
just perhaps pt it online as some sort of curiosity and quickly forget it is
online. At the moment it is still so about what just happened in my life, and
these people I am talking about could find it any day, read it, and that is a
frightening thought.
One way or another, either I move
into complete fiction, positive and happy one, or I might s well just forget it
all. Free myself from writing, and at the moment I am certainly considering
taking a few months off writing, until I am back in
Right now I’m on a plane to
I also missed my flight, because
Leonardo took forever to arrive, for $25 more I took a later one. He was a bit
smelly, and his car was really smelly, I barely survived the trip. It is a good
thing that I will be leaving
Calling me every night, wanting to
talk on the phone for 5 hours at a time, thankfully often about the film
script, because otherwise he just repast himself over and over again and tell
me all his previous experiences which he told me already many times over.
If I have to ever hear again how he
saved Marlon Brando’s life on the set of a film, when he was just about to eat
a donut which had been sprayed with some chemical to look fresh for the camera,
I will have to tell him that there is a limit to my patience. I almost did
today when he started to tell me again for the twelfth time. I could not
believe it. He should stop the drugs, perhaps he would remember what it is that
he told me before.
7 May 2006
Wow, somehow I have been misled
about
The town is very clean with very
large streets, and is not a huge town like
Maybe this is due to religion, but
I doubt it. Mormons are Christians at heart, they believe in Jesus, the old and
new testament, they just have another Bible on top of it, the Book of Mormons. Now,
everywhere I lived, everywhere I worked, I have been surrounded by people who
believed in a religion or another, a God or another, and that certainly never
stopped any of them from scheming against everyone else, and act foolishly to
gain more power over others. If somehow Mormons succeeded in transforming their
people into some human beings, as I have seen so far in my two days here, I
think it deserves some investigation.
I have seen this episode of South
Park, about Joseph Smith who could have possibly just invented out of nowhere
his book of Mormons, and even then, who cares? If the guy was capable of
inventing a new Bible and a new religion based on the old one, then I admire
him for that accomplishment. However, I know next to nothing about any of this,
so I would easily be convinced otherwise.
I have spent the day yesterday
visiting the
On the other hand, I would have
liked to see their faces if they had known I was gay. It is well known that
they are very much against the gay marriage thing in
I have just finished reading a lot
on the Internet about the Mormons, and also against them. My head is full of
these depressing facts, of human being controlled by religion, collecting 10%
of their salary, money used to build these Disney Lands for spirituality, and
shopping malls which will keep the money coming for decades to come. I won’t
speak about that here, I don’t really care about the internal problems of the
Mormons, you could easily say that it has been worse in just about every other
religion on the planet.
I have also read some stuff about
many young Mormons being depressed. Is that true? So perhaps that happy after
all? I would need to investigate further, but not today.
At the moment I am a bit freaked
out. It is Noon on a Sunday, maybe it is because I haven’t gone to church, I
did not accept the invitation of the Sisters yesterday, the missionaries to
come back this morning to listen to the Choir. However I suspect that I feel
uneasy because I have spent too much money this month and I fear I might have
to survive with nothing for the last two weeks of the month. Also because the
Spanish Boy is about to arrive from
Another great novel I was thinking
about, since I am in Mormons country, was that to assume that Joseph Smith
really had a book made gold pages. That after being burgled a few times, and
having to hide everywhere, he might have decided to hide it better and declare
that it had been returned to god. And now I just have to concoct a nice novel
in the kinds of the Da Vinci Code, with a professor of symbolgy going after the
Book of Mormons and eventually either finding it, or at the very least find out
that others found it and have a good idea of where it is now. What do you
think? Do you think the Mormons would let me write such a book, invent such
legends and myths about their faith and religious history? It would be heresy for
any Mormon to write such a book, so if I don’t do it, who will? Of course, we
could not find the book, or if we were, no one would be allowed to read it.
Because either way I would be in trouble. One I would validate the Joseph
Smith’s story, and help solidify the
Right after I visited the
I was surprised to finally get a
glimpse, with the help of models, of how high the space shuttle and space
station orbit around the Earth. Very low, almost still on Earth, and they call
that being in space? Not me. I was also surprised to finally visualize that the
size of the Earth compared with the size of the Sun, is quite something. The
Earth model I had in front of me was of my height, about 1m72 or 5”
One interesting experience while I was
there. There was a family of Chinese people visiting the Planetarium. Grand
parents, daughter and grand daughter. The little girl was so small, and yet
running around. Her mom had talking to her in Chinese for at least 20 minutes,
and when I was looking at the big Earth model, she was virtually just between
my legs at the back of me, and from the floor I heard her speak distinctly in
French-Canadian. I immediately turned around and look at the little Chinese
girl, I was wondering if I had dreamt it. How could she speak French, and from
Québec, when the whole family behind only spoke Chinese and showed no sign that
they even talked English. Also that we are in
So I continue my visit, and while I
was looking at the astronaut suit upstairs, the little girl and her mother came
to watch it too. And the little said clearly in French Canadian that she did
not believe it was real, that it was fake. I was astonished, as she is barely 4
years old. Could she had already been told that perhaps the Americans never
went to the Moon? And remembered it? I had to ask the mom, why did she say, in French.
She was surprised that I was French-Canadian, I meet them everywhere, last one
in
If radiation is too much for even
leaving the Earth, I guess I could adapt to this thought, I could dream of
future technology making it possible, to go even further than Mars. All this
space program, and especially private companies finally getting into the competition
line, is one thing that motivates me to be alive, along with Theoretical
Physics. If I were totally free to indulge in anything I really want, I would
throw myself in the study of all that. Now it is not possible, because of
finance reasons and time constraints. But I would love that.
And now that I have discussed here
all that I wanted to say about my initial thoughts about
He will be here within the hour, I
don’t know what to expect. It will be the first time we will be alone outside
the office. I am not expecting him to the patronizing and condescending person
he has been, with all the problems that he has caused me in the last few
months. He strives on appearances, on the opinions others have about him, he
needs to look cool, be cool, but that mask might just fall today. That is what
I’ve been hoping for, as I mentioned earlier, however none of this might
happen. Even just his mask falling. Perhaps he was not lying for the benefit of
others, who might think he was also gay, something he worked hard to make sure
no one would know. Maybe he is not pretending when it is clear he does not want
to have anything to do with me. It is possible that the guy simply does not
like me, though I don’t think he hates me. And in that case, it is going to be
a long four more days indeed. He did say that once he’s drunk, he will talk to
me about his sexual life. Sort of. I’m a bit worried about that, as I suspect
he could start talking about girls and girlfriends. And that would still not
tell me if he is gay or not, because he could be just bullshitting me.
I am such a danger for anyone who’s
gay in the office and who wishes to keep it a dark and shameful secret. Because
I am so openly gay, I can understand it could frighten anyone else still in the
closet. The writer from North Hollywood still working at work, has been very
nice to me from afar, saying good morning, smiling at me, but never re-invited
me to go to lunch with him, and never takes the time to come and chat with me
in the office. He keeps his distance. I’m just afraid that the Spanish Boy will
act the same, not even want to tell me the truth in private. And yet, I have
never betrayed the
Funny that despite all the openness
about being gay, a great majority of them still live in the closet. There are
not many good reasons to do so these days, I can’t think of any, since they are
not likely to lose their jobs or be passed for a promotion. Perhaps they are
afraid of simple prejudices in other people, their religious beliefs which
could convince them that gay people are some sort of inferior race of people,
an anomaly of nature. It is true that when it comes to
Well, I better get ready to receive
the Spanish Boy. I better prepare myself mentally and psychologically. I’ve got
to be ready for anything. Let’s not forget where he comes from, that office
filled with bitches working against me. He is a direct connection to everyone
in the office. Everything I might say will be used against me to incriminate me
further. And the first thing he’ll do once we go back on Thursday, he will
gossip about everything that has happened, everything I have done, everything. It
is no time to get drunk and spill my heart out. This is official business, a
business trip, we have work to do before all else. I’ve got to keep it professional,
however, every time in the past that I told myself that, I went out of my way
to act completely unprofessionally and destroy what remains of my poor track
records and reputation. Have I got any credibility left in this world? All
because I always tell the truth, what I most deeply think about everyone and
everything? I guess we’re just about to find out this week.
I feel so bad at the moment, I feel
so lost. One look at the snow on top of that huge mountain, gives me the chill.
Not sure I would want to be there right now, though it might cure me from
freaking out at this time.
Yesterday in the shop of the
Planetarium, they were selling these little puppets of Clown Fish, and already
then it broke my heart, made me think of my boyfriend, our fish and cats. Today
as I saw a video and in one of them a skinny child was pushing a tire. And that
also reminded me of my skinny baby in
It is rare that I feel the need to
see people, but right now I hope the Spanish Boy will make me forget to think
too much. He is a familiar face after all, while I am all alone in
When you are as lost and in pain as
I am now, you are very vulnerable. If I was a bit more religious, the Mormons
might have succeeded to get a new recruit out of me. But I’m already too far
gone on my path of destruction and the road to hell. I’m beyond saving, no one
will save me now, and I’m not expecting it either. My empire has been built out
of Adobe bricks, my whole life as well, and could collapse at any time. I am
not that strong, and I learnt that only three days ago, when I wrote one too
many page. And now I wonder, how many of these too many pages have I written?
And when I should start censoring myself in order to soften the blow, the
impact my work could have. I will never find the time or the courage, and so,
we’ll just have to see as it happens. It is not like I am about to become
global any time soon, at any rate. I’m already forgotten anyway, and nothing on
the horizon suggests that it might change. So, ultimately, I’m worrying for
nothing.
Okay, he finally called, we visited
the conference rooms, and went to eat at the California Pizza Kitchen. I guess,
just like the British away at conferences who need to find the only Irish pub
in town, Californians away on business need to find the only Californian
restaurant in town. Thank god I’m not looking for Canadian pubs or restaurants,
if such thing exists.
We had a nice conversation, he even
spoke about my boyfriend. I could not exactly ask him if he was gay or not,
straight like that. And he only had one cocktail which apparently had no
alcohol in it. He says he usually drinks straight vodka, that sounds promising,
however he is still recuperating from this Spanish party he had on Friday, and
hence can’t drink anything. What a killer.
So I told him we could find him a
nice girlfriend in town, those two Mormon girls at the
Almost the first thing he told me
was that he needed to go to the Jacuzzi, because his knee hurts. I thought it
was a way for us to get together naked in the sauna, but I think he kind of
meant that it was for him only and I was not invited. He is probably there
already and will call me later to go for a drink in the Private Club of the hotel.
In
He also kind of made it clear that
it was kind of painful to be here with me. Sort of. So that’s what I was afraid
of. He does not want to be here. He strives in places like
It’s a bit what I was saying
before, how certain people don’t even hide the fact that they don’t want to be
with you, that they barely support you as it. Even I never ever told anyone
that I could not stand them and that I’d rather be dead than be stuck in
We went to the Planetarium, I
showed him what I saw yesterday, what I was thinking then, and then for 15
minutes after that he kept asking questions about the universe, like how long a
signal takes to arrive here from the Sun, and from Andromeda. I did not
particularly wanted to discuss my theoretical physics ideas, I told him it
would bore him, but he insisted for me to explain the basics of it. I kept it
to a minimum. Perhaps that might change his mind about me. I also never miss a
chance to mention Europe,
As to why he might believe that I
have nothing in my mind, that I am stupid, must be the oldest prejudice of the
world. Anyone who speaks with a strong accent, like I do, and do not understand
every single word that he’s spoken to, people immediately jump to the
conclusion that you must be some sort of retard. It does not help either that I
am kind of playing stupid most of the time, and can appear quite naïve, playing
into the games of everyone, just for the heck of it. Because I’m bored out of
my mind most of the time. So they all believe that I am very naïve, on top of
being a retard. Poor them, they have no idea what goes on in my mind, I am like
a computer over analyzing them and their behavior, I’m studying like we study
some savages or captive animals. I’m constantly studying the whole psychology of
it, far from being the imbecile they have convinced themselves I was.
Maybe I should not be trying so
hard to reach him. Perhaps I should let go, cancel our drinking session
tonight, and tell him I’m not going to do anything else with him whilst we’re here.
I should let him come to me, however there’s isn’t much time. It cannot happen
later, once we’re back in
Of course, it does not help that he
appears to have lost weight since last week. Shit, what wonderful special drug
has he taken to lose weight in one week? He certainly ate well tonight. So he
looks cuter than usual, me too in fact I seem to have lost weight since last
week, though I can’t really explain why. I think I never looked that great
since I have arrived in
It’s not likely to happen now, it
is past 11 pm, he won’t call. We could not go for a drink and he would not come
to my room. I wonder what he will invent to justify letting me down like this
without even calling me to free me from waiting after him all night. He’s only
acceptable excuse would be to tell me that he fell asleep. It is possible. Whether
it is true or not does not really matter. I felt sick anyway, and I mean
physically sick. I did not get myself ready to go out with him, I got ready for
bed quite early. I slept a bit. I’m still a bit shaky. I have no doubt that
once this conference is over, my whole body will just shut down and I will be
really sick for a few days. It’s always like that, because bringing an event to
terms is so exhausting, since so much is involved just in the preparation of it,
especially when you do everything yourself, that in the end it always nearly
kills you. The stress alone probably plays a big role in this. There’s just so
much stress someone can endure. At least I won’t have to fake it this time,
I’ll go to work, they’ll see how sick I am, and I’ll go home for two days.
I called him, finally, which was a
bit stupid, since it is 11h30. I had to, just in case. Well, he did not answer.
Either he is not in his room or he is sleeping. These phones ring so hard, it
would have waken him up. So he decided not to answer. I think it is pretty
clear now that I should just forget about him, just try to survive this
conference, be sick for a while, and go back to work.
The first day is finally over. It
was only half a day, I’m already dead. Tomorrow is the big day. Get at 5 am,
finishes at around 7 pm. I went to eat with the Spanish Boy to a restaurant,
Red Rock or something, he mentioned again sometime today that he wanted me to
write about him. We walked around the place, went around the
I guess I could talk about my
biggest worry. The first law of conferences is that any paper you know you will
need at the conference, needs to be with you at all time. Luggage gets lost, or
goes to
And this is something else I have
understood. It is that in this office, almost everyone is spending a lot of
time chatting on AIM and MSN messenger, internally and externally. And I have
realized that both the Sweet Chinese Girl and the Spanish Boy must be wasting
at least two hours a day on this while at work, and many more half hours
choosing the music they will be listening to during the day while they work. So
in the end, I’m not certain how many hours they are really working during a
full day, and yet, none of them are late in any of their projects, while I work
as hard and fast as I can, from the minute I arrived until even after hours.
This is proof that I have much more than them to do, that I can be sinking
whilst working so hard. And it is quite unfair to have these rumors in the
office that I am incompetent and cannot manage my time. And that also sicken
me.
Especially that Monsieur has never
had to contact one sponsor before, let alone a supporting organization. I
learned today that for the first time he will have to do it. And that is
certainly the most time consuming I had to do for the three conferences I am
responsible for.
It takes time for anyone to
understand that I am more competent and valuable than first assessed, and it is
always too late one they realize it. I don’t understand why they cannot see it,
why they decide to turn a blind eye, even when I tell them, so in the end, this
must be either discrimination or favoritism (more likely). So they can all burn
to hell, I won’t feel guilty when I leave. Enough is enough. I wish I could say
never again, but if I don’t start my won business, I will find myself in that
exact same place somewhere else. As this is human nature, and somehow, I have
never been able to escape it. As if this was my destiny, and I had to report it
somehow, hoping that some people will read it, realize what they do, and
perhaps change, if this is at all possible.
How nice would it be if tonight I
was describing the find of a new friendship, someone I can count on, depend on,
discovering a human being hiding under so much pretension. How wonderful would
it be if instead of what I have written so far, I was telling you how great Los
Angeles is, how my colleagues and my bosses are supporting, that together we
are a successful and happy family. That I would want to go to work in the
morning, I would be insisting to my boyfriend to move over here so we can both
be pleased with our jobs, never mind all the extra hours, because we would want
to work overtime instead of being brought to a full stop every weekend when we
have a minute to think, one minute too many, where instead of living our
existential crisis and putting our life into question, instead of wanting to
have our brains disconnected in order to stop thinking about the meaning of all
this, we were content in our happiness. Is this utopia possible? Does it exist
in any corporation in this world? I have come to think that it does not, and
that a large proportion of the population is simply surviving in terror, fears,
depression. And we do not even want to acknowledge the problem, we are not
working towards finding solutions. We even don’t want to hear the problems of
others, accusing them of being weak and self-pitying themselves. The exact
thing my father has always accused me of.
And this is why religious groups
can be attractive, by talking in terms of community, people supporting each
other lovingly, and all that propaganda. It is beautiful and promising in
theory, on the surface, we all know that this is not the case once you’re
inside. We all know that they take over your life, they use you until you have
nothing left to give for that community, and they take your money, 10% before
tax, which becomes 30% to 40% of your salary, forcing you at some point to
declare bankruptcy. Pushing you to get married for life, have as many babies as
you can, even if you cannot support this family in this day and age. It is just
another authority, another power over your head, as if your parents, your
teachers, your bosses (and colleagues), and the different levels of governments
were not enough to deal with already. How much more controlled do we need to
be? How much freedom have we got in this world? To make any decision whatsoever?
Am I the only one on this planet to see the world for what it really is? To
demand for even a little bit more freedom and peace in this life? Sometimes I
think I am, no one seems bothered or worried about any of it. Is it because
they have no idea how much better life could be? Is it because they have been
brainwashed into thinking they were happy and somehow it worked, while it
failed with me for some unexplained reason? It might explain why I am not
really a threat to any society, despite everything I have written, which in
other times would have been judged heresy and anti-government or authority of
any form. I would have been eliminated. There’s no need now, because they all
bought the propaganda, they all follow the next one without questioning
anything. They all obey like the good boys and good girls that they know they
have to be to succeed anywhere and be respected and keep their honor. Society
has moved very quickly to disapprove of me, in everything I ever did. I was
still allowed to do it, if I could find the courage in me to leave and go for
the adventure. But I lost everything in the process, reputation, credibility,
potential, aptitudes, respect, the list does not end. No one listens to people
like me, I’m an outcast, a marginal, and so, I am not a threat, because
everyone has been very well conditioned from the day of their birth to not deviate
from the path of the righteous. I am very much alone on this world, I am an
alien. That is why I want to isolate myself, and one day I will succeed. It
will not bring me happiness, I will still feel like I lost everything, I will
feel guilt, but at least, life might be bearable.
Maybe I could indirectly help this
world by organizing conferences solely targeting all these authorities. To help
them identify the pain they cause, make them understand ways to build happiness
and joy in everyone’s life. Carefully planned conferences with well chosen
speakers, for parents, governments, the police, teachers, psychologist,
religious leaders from all faiths, and for management and company owners. Perhaps
this is where all this was leading, I could in a small way make an impact to
change this world I don’t want to live in. Help making it a better world. And
then I would have a mission, and even if I fail and make no money, at least I
could live with the thought that I am achieving something positive, something that
this world needs.
All my books have brought a message
of doom, the dark side of this planet, the hell we’ve built for ourselves. It
is a message of despair, a cry to escape an unbearable reality. This is the
only way it could be interpreted, however I no longer think so. I realized only
recently that what I have actually been trying to do, is to show the world for
what it is, in the hope to make us all aware of the situation, so we could wake
up the next day and built a world which could be the total opposite.
Changing our priorities, believing
that we can really achieve what it is that we tried to convince ourselves we
had. No more propaganda, no more empty messages of love and help, but actually
acting upon it, changing our attitudes towards life and others, building
happiness at every level, saving this world from its path to competition, alienation
and annihilation.
My message was one of love and
hope, and I’m sorry I’ve been unable to make it clearer. It might all change,
I’ve been thinking about it for a year now, I can radically change my
discourse, my books, and bring a concrete message of love and altruism. Without
the emptiness of these words we are using everyday that have become
meaningless. Like Jesus Christ’s message of love, that no one appears to have
understood, being driven still by power and ambition. His message, as I
understand it, has become one of war and death, and will be so for as long as
religion will be used to control the masses, in the hands of unscrupulous
people with different agendas which have nothing to do with love and helping
each other.
Every song, every film, is about
love. And yet, I have never felt it myself. How do you explain that? All I see
is hypocrisy, people who always have some ulterior motive, some hidden
interests, and they so quickly turn against you at the first opportunity, than
you cannot deny that there was no love to begin with.
How could I myself love these
people who hate me? How could I change my small universe, the people I live
with, to bring this love and happiness into our lives without resorting to
anything external, like religion or some other spiritual philosophy or entity? The
wisdom, that wisdom, this understanding that something needs to be done, to
accept things and people as they really are, and understand and forgive their
shortcomings. I have worked towards this all my life, I am more morale and
ethical than most, even though you would have a hard time believing this
reading my books. This is just to show you how little you know about me.
I have often pretended to be this
or that, just to make a point and show who the people I am dealing with are.
When I talked of revenge, I never did get my revenge, I never wanted to, I
still wrote it, pretending, to teach how these people think and act. I am no
anarchist, I do not wish to destroy this planet or kill anyone. I don’t think
anyone deserves the title of Master Bitch, and most of what I describe has been
blown out of proportions and over amplified in order to see more clearly what’s
going on.
How could anyone be as extreme as I
described myself to be? How could anyone really believe that what I wrote, I
think it? It is laughable to me, however, when people don’t know you
personally, they have no idea that you are playing a role, that this is just a
book, literature, nothing more. It is fun, but it has a purpose, the message in
the end is important, there is something that I am saying, and hopefully it has
thrown some people into thinking mode.
I don’t really think a whole lot if
not most of what I have written in my life. I have to admit that I have been
trying to manipulate you all. To show you such an extreme of where your
philosophies were leading, that you would be disgusted, attack me, and then
start a debate to change things.
I certainly want peace, I want
people to be nicer to everyone, I want them to genuinely love everyone, so we
can make this life a little bit more bearable. In real life, outside my books,
people around me know I am one of the most honest person there is, they usually
get to like me in time, to appreciate me. They know I am a genuine person, morale
and ethical to the extreme. Sometimes it takes a while for them to move beyond
their own prejudices to finally see it. Often it is quick, they can see through
me, they understand that I am nice and correct and would never backstab them.
This style I have, becomes clearer
in my last book called
I help my enemies, I acknowledge
their aptitudes, I do not betray them, I don’t even really lie to anyone. I try
anyway, and most of the time I can live by my rules, even if sometimes I
deviate. At heart I am an honest person and I never wished to cause pain on
anyone. And perhaps this is why I have such difficulty integrating into
society, which is at the other end of that spectrum. I love and understand
people, even when they hate me and work hard at destroying me or my career. I
do not judge them on that, I know this is just human nature, and I’ve been
there, even if I never acted upon it like they did.
They are only trying to survive,
the only way they know how, with the same weapons that are used against them on
a daily basis. They see this world as a jungle filled with wild animals, and to
survive, you need to fight your way through, you need to eliminate others to
get their place. And for me this soul destroying game has never been appealing.
I which things were different, I wish I could help change this world, I feel
powerless.
Wow, I feel I wrote something huge
tonight. Perhaps the most important text I have ever written, to shed some
lights on all the books I have written so far. Hopefully it might help explain
a lot of the irrationality and absurdity you’ve been reading, if you had the
courage to finish reading any of my books. As many were design to make you feel
something deep, and this is hard for anyone to go through, especially when it
is something that we have always been trying to ignore. How unhappy we all are.
How difficult this life is. How these interactions with other human beings are
disheartening. And what we could do to change it, and that perhaps we are no that
powerless after all.
I now have a new mission, bring
across a clearer message of love, altruism, peace and hope. Not sure how I will
go about it, but I believe it will have to be done mostly through fictional
books and film scripts. And hence, I would need the time, not sure where I will
find it in between my day to day job and the complications of my existence and
survival. I have to succeed somehow, and it might be easier to get my message
across than using this reverse psychology way I’ve been using so far. I will
alienate all my fans in the process, they will think I am a changed person, that
I’ve been touched by the hand of God, when in fact I am not, they just misread everything
and missed the irony. Even though a more careful reading, through all the
contradictions, will clearly show the sarcasm, as I don’t always pretend,
sometimes and often I am genuine. Which is which, that is the irony.
9 May 2006
The long big day is finally over.
Everyone is pleased, over the moon, complete success. Down to the cocktail
party afterwards. I’m back to my room, the Spanish Boy decided to flush me
tonight, he’s going to take it easy in his room. He ordered some food, he’s
going to watch a movie. Perfect. Cos tonight I felt like drinking and celebrate
on my own, in my own little lair here at the Radisson Hotel in Salt Lake City.
I have four glasses wine all lined up beside me, two packs of cigarettes (ultra
light) and God only knows what’s going to happen tonight in front of my
portable computer screen. I have already plugged myself into some music DVDs I
brought with me, right now is the Greatest Hits of the Blur. Later it might be
some Nine Inch Nails with Teeth, and perhaps some Smashing Pumpkins 1991-2001.
The advantage of being a child of the 80’s, is that the music you like, these
bands now have greatest hits out there on DVDs. That’s nice. Though I was also
a child of the 90’s, as you can see. And my bands are far from being dead,
there still out there producing stuff, including Smashing Pumpkins who’s
preparing a comeback. I have my videos playing in a corner of my screen, while
I am writing in the other corner. That’s what’s called having a life, I think.
Playing the business man all day long, and then at night, jumped into drugs and
clubs. I’m only joking. I meant to say, jump into videos and alcohol. As the
guy told me at Tower Records, when I spent my last pennies on these CDs, you’ve
got to have your music. And I agree, tonight anyway, cos I deeply need to decompress.
Especially that the Spanish Boy has spent the day insulting me and being so
rude to me. Always half jokingly, and yet, it reaches home, these are real
insults and it is being rude. Thankfully I did not react, I did not respond, I
changed the subject every time.
That conference was about power
supply in the west. These people have been talking all day today, yesterday and
tomorrow. They’re still at it. God knows what they’re talking about, going
nuclear perhaps. It would solve their problems, I guess. Yeah! I’m drunk enough
to play with you again tonight, let’s go nuclear, after producing three
conferences on the subject, I’m telling you, it’s the only viable solutions,
the most cost effective, the cleanest of all powers, funny enough. That’s what
they’re trying to convince us of, and I ended up believing it. Since I don’t
care anyway, it was not hard to convince me. Let’s go nuclear!
Compared with the future options we
will come up with, Nuclear might actually be the least dangerous of all. Hard
to destroy the whole planet with nuclear, an accident is still quite localized,
as
Beurk, that red wine is disgusting.
Can’t believe we served that to our delegates. I thought I read it was Merlot
from
And that is what I felt like today.
Like if this was my own event, getting all the glory for myself, being
congratulated and all, and in the end, that was not mine, I have not even wrote
the program, which is certainly new for me. I imagined it was all mine, and it
gave me a buzz. I need to do this, I need to succeed, I need to produce my own
conferences. I think it will be quite fulfilling, might give me a reason to
live, and everyone knows by now how desperate I am for just that, finding any
reason to exist, so badly that I was ready to sign as a Mormon. That says it
all, isn’t it? Ready and willing to turn straight in the process, so I can
marry that nice little girl from
I think I should get back to
telecommunications, that’s what was big ten years ago, this is where the money
was in conferences, that’s where I need to specialize myself in. No SDH and
DWDM networks this time, I’ll have to do some market research to find out what
it should all be about. And I might even get into areas that the main big
conference company out there is doing. So in the end, I might not even be a
competitor to them.
I can’t believe I’m drunk, and what
I’m talking about is business. Need to get cured of that. But hey, when you are
at a successful conference that you did from A to Z, what am I supposed to
think about? Jesus-Christ perhaps? No way.
Which reminds me, there is
something quite wild I wanted to say yesterday, that I only thought about once
I turned off the computer. My big message of love, really, is really synonym
with Jesus-Christ and the New Testament. I hate to say this, I don’t want to
say it, but hey, I have to admit that it could not be better. I don’t know if
there is a God or not, I don’t know if Jesus-Christ was the son of God or not,
hell, I don’t even know of the man actually existed. Yet, nothing more than the
New Testament needs to be mentioned when you want to input some great values
into people. Just wish it could be disconnected from any Church, any
religion, anything. Don’t care if
it was written a thousand years after his death, don’t care if Churches have
re-written the whole lot, it is still a great message of peace and love. But I
know too well that with it, we can only bring destruction, wars, alienation and
everything. So in the end, Jesus-Christ will have to be forgotten. I’ll need to
find another way to bring in people the same feelings and desire to make this
world a better one.
And on this note, I need to get a
good wank, because I still all alone here in
I guess that with a name like The
Marginal, I have to live up to my name. Porn, suicide, religion, wars,
homosexuality, all those subjects that commercial conference companies avoid
completely, leaving a complete free from all market, just for me. That’s what I
call innovation, originality, just watch me go, I’ll make it all come true. I’m
very excited right now, about money, not sex, unfortunately, but today it is
the business man talking. After a fucking boring day talking about Power in
I may be drunk, but that is the
wisest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I might be completely off
my mind, and yet, once I get back to Earth, I’ll know and recognize just how
wise this is. This is so anarchist, this is so wild, I’ll make it come true,
just for the irony of it all. Pay back time for all that suffering, conferences
spent with either telecoms or energy people, can’t think of anything more
boring. Oh! If only they know how much I really care about these conferences,
they would never attend again. Who cares about going nuclear? Not me. Let’s
blow up this planet, that’s all I ever asked. Let’s make it happen for once.
Right now. Yeah!
That’s it, it is settled. I’ll
organize conference on the most taboo subjects. I’m about ready to rewrite my
Business Plan. The Marginal Production companies, producing conferences on the
most taboo subjects, because this is serious, these topics need to be debated
and talked about. I can ready the titles from here: The End of Organized
Churches and Religions, Nuclear Bombs, The Sex Industry Summit, How to avoid
Political Suicide, that kind of thing. The conference you would not dare to be
seen at, but that you would definitely buy the ensuing DVD of the whole thing. My
faith has been sealed tonight, that’s what I’ll do. Wildest titles around,
it’ll be such a success, you would not believe it. Within a few years I’ll sell
the whole thing and retire, and then I will write and read all day long, on the
subject that really matter to me. Philosophy, Theoretical Physics, Science Fiction.
Oh dear, never been so ready to work on something, to make it all come true. Let’s
exploit them all, the ones exploiting you, and that will be another way to
control them all, to achieve some results. Just watch me.
10 May 2006
I am now in the plane, n my way
back to L.A. Gosh, it was really about time, I can no longer endure this
pretentious little Mexican Boy who believes he is the coolest guy on the
planet, for whatever reason he may have that I cannot actually see. To be cool
these days, do you simply have to wear a weird jacket (that I thought he found
in his grandfather closet as he did not have the money to buy one), wear a
stupid hat, tell jokes, think you’re funny, states to everyone that you are
cool, and then that’s it? Stupid people believe it and kiss your boots?
It is one thing to have to put up
with cool people, it is another to have to suffer self-made cool people who are
not. Especially when they have been able to convince a few stupid actresses or
whatever that the was cool.
That cunt has spent the last four
days insulting me, ignoring me, being in a fucking bad mood, treating me like
shit, and making it clear he never wanted to be with me in the first place. And
I really had enough this morning g when he arrived completely out of his mind
and freaking out because I don’t always understand what he says and he has to
repeat it. Is it my fault if he mumbles his words and I can’t understand? I
told him to not speak to me and that we might survive. And I spent many hours
talking to delegates (can you imagine), in order to avoid talking to him at the
desk. Never in my entire career in conferences have I actually enjoyed speaking
for over 20 minutes to any delegate. He told me that he viewed me as the fat
Jewish boy in the office, the big reject guy without any personality
whatsoever. I wonder if there could have been a
bigger insult he could have told me. Less than five years ago, I was
twice better looking than him, I as ten times cooler than him, and I certainly
had something to back it up. His coolness his inexistent. He has no
personality, he has not achieved anything, he is a simple assistant in a
conference job, he is so pretentious, it is ridiculous, and he cannot justify
any of this. This is like the most fake person I have ever met, superficial to
the max, and a the end of the day, he is just a Mexican Boy, there are two
dozens of them at each corner in L.A. hoping to get a job for the day, paid
$10. And that is probably why he has become such an overbearing person, who had
to fight those prejudices people have against his culture, that he has to prove
himself to be like a Hollywood star instead of the buss boy, the
Finally home. My bag had not been
retrieved that he was already gone, right after he retrieved his bag. He was so
afraid I would ask him to drop me somewhere, and I did ask, I thought he would,
but he insisted that I took a taxi for $100. I had already cancelled my ride,
Leonardo, and finally I took a Shuttle for $45. I was in such a mood, that a
nice young woman (who was actually coming to
I can’t believe I was all excited,
going to
My God, I just came back to
11 May 2006
There you go, more petty things,
for a petty world.
It took less than an hour for the
Spanish Boy to jump on the Valley Girl and tell her everything that I had said
and that happened, and for her to jump in the boss office to tell them all.
Both my bosses came to me, and asked me how it went, and the wife said: is that
all? You maintain that everything went well?
I’m not sure what he told them, I’m
not sure what I supposed to admit there, so I’m in the dark. Something is
coming, a meeting perhaps, where they will hit me with something. I can’t think
what, though I though initially that since there was not much to report, and I
could be wrong here since I don’t know what he told them, I thought that his
attack went into another front.
I think he told them all that I
said that we needed to get back and say that everything went fine, whatever
happened. Believe me, this could look worse than if something went wrong. It
makes me look like I’m lying, not honest, and therefore a very bad employee
indeed.
I am powerless to stop it all, I
should have known that he would report everything one way or another, so why
did I even tried to make him understand what 10 years in this business as
taught me? The coolest guy alive just shown this morning how small a man he is.
Now I just need to brace myself for the great meeting where they will no doubt
confront me with many more stuff that I did not even consider could get me into
trouble.
I could be lucky, it could end
there. That would be having some faith in human nature, and another thing I
have learnt, is that there’s no such thing. Thank you Spanish Boy, you’ve
proven me right in all my guesses. Hopefully one day it will get back to you so
horrifyingly that you might actually learn something.
On my way back from work there was
a huge film crew in the small street I use. That reminded me why I was in
I just hope I’ll be able to justify
myself, defend myself, will be difficult now, since they think I’m trying to
hide everything from them to make me look good, it looks bad. So little
happened, and it seems so insignificant to me, that to be honest I don’t
believe I need to bother them with any of it. But since there will be a full
scale investigation, there’s not much I can do but cooperate. One more reason
that will help justify my departure when I announce it in less than two weeks. And
so far they still wonder if I will leave or not, so they might actually go easy
on me. Somehow I don’t think it will be the case. They could now make a big
deal out of nothing and justify to themselves that perhaps it would be better
for me to leave. Though I don’t really want to be sacked, it would certainly
help me stop my monthly payments to my creditors if it was the case. I can then
forget getting a reference letter, I might not be able to put on my CV that I
worked in the
I’m so not motivated at the moment
to get back to work, to continue this stressful life, closing that first
conference, doing all that I did for the second next month, and move on with
the third which is now very late. I wish I could just bury myself under my
to-do-list, however they make it very difficult for me to do so. How can you be
honest and loyal in an office filled with backstabbers? What about this need to
survive? To be recognized for so much work that you feel has been well done,
when no one wants to see it that way? It is useless.
This morning when I got out to walk
to the office, this five days in Utah really made me wonder where I was, I was
kind of mixed up, as if this morning I could have woken up in many different
countries I lived in, in another life, doing something else. I had so many memories
rushing back in,
And now I have to go back, and
actually assess the damages, confront them, and whatever happens, happens, just
have to accept it and continue with my work, if they allow me. And now I’ll be
late 10 minutes, another thing they can use against me, there’s so many now,
that I’m really beyond caring. I tried to prevent all that, I still need to
live you know, I’m beyond caring.
Finally they left me alone today. I
hope they realized that after all, whatever came back to them, they thought it
was not worth the investigation of the century. We’ll see tomorrow.
Now I have to talk about something
exciting (relatively speaking, of course, as nothing exciting is happening
right now in my life). I was wondering, and it was at the back of my mind, why
it is that whilst in Salt Lake City I took the time to spend many hours
visiting the Temple of the Mormons, did the research of the century on the
Internet to find out all that is positive and negative about that Church, stole
the Book of the Mormons off my hotel room, etc. I was wondering if it was a
coincidence that at the same time a crisis within the Mormons community in
My neighbor tonight was speaking to
me, a bit embarrassing because I came with my 10 packs of cigarettes and huge
case of cans of beers, really, all that was missing was a pack of condoms and
he could have condemned me completely. And it had been already very
embarrassing at the Seven Eleven, because in this State, whatever if it is sort
of supposed to be Liberal, even though the Governor is a Bush adjuvant (Arnold
Swarhtzzzennegererer, or whatever), buying cigarettes and alcohol is not that
easy, when you succeed in not caring for all the customers looking weirdly at
you. And I spent 30 minutes there because their till was not working, while
everyone passing, and of course there was in the line someone who works in my
building, thought my card or something did not work, and of course, that was to
come as I was not certain if my card would work. I’m so tired, that it did not
bother me that much.
Well, I told my neighbor that I
just came back from
He showed me his wall, almost as if
to prove that he is a good Mormon. Posters of
And for some weird reason, I think
the Black man at work is a Mormon. Today when I was saying that I had visited
the
Now, if I ever need help, I just
have to go next door, bring my book of Mormon, pretend I want to join in, talk
all night about Moroni and Joseph Smith, play the guilty card (have you paid
your tilthing? When is it last time you went to the
And that was my exciting news for
tonight, for the week, for the month. Wild coincidences. Happening with what
seems to be without purpose, but could lead somewhere eventually, if I let it
develop, that is, which I have no intention of doing. For now anyway. Not sure
where that could lead, not sure if I want to find out.
I just once again finished my last
book, the dark poetry one. The one that I was not supposed to write, the one
that took me a while to start since I’ve arrived in
So I immediately took it offline.
And I finally wrote another ending tonight. One that I can be really be proud
of. I’m impressed that this whole episode was not for nothing. Because now it
can mean many things, in many directions, from many different interpretations.
Before it was clear what I was saying, too clear, it alienated the whole
planet.
I did not know I had it in me to be
able to achieve such a thing, but I did. It was instant rejection, death
threats and everything. Wonderful! I finally was able to create some sort of
impact, get some sort of feedback, create a reaction of any kind.
Sad I had to go so far though, to get
that result. And sad that I almost immediately took it offline. However, it has
been online one day, so I’m not worried. It has now become some sort of
literary event, the visitor counter went off the scale, even if it lasted for
only one day, all that was required to create an absolute panic all over the
place.
These people who never heard of me
before, never took the time to read another text of mine, who suddenly were
confronted with that one page I wrote the night before, whilst I was completely
drunk, and suddenly felt the need to shut me up, to destroy me. It was madness!
I can laugh about it now, but it
freaked me out for over two weeks, even when I was in Salt Lake City, where
logically I should have disconnected from it all at that point. All I wanted
was to lose myself in a Sherlock Holmes novel, and never resurfaced, where it
is safe and not threatening.
I can now put that behind me, I am
not going to be wiped out from this world, the government is not going to send
its squads to kill me just yet, as it is offline. For one second there, I
really thought that this was it, I would immediately be kicked out of
It is only because I am still nobody
that I could delete it without consequence. If I had been known in the English
world already, it would be all over for me now. They would be burning my books
right now. I have learnt a valuable lesson, there’s no need to be too extreme,
you can only alienate everyone, against you. Got to be just extreme enough to
still be part of the mainstream. And you might not realize it, but this is far
more reaching and damageable than being completely out of your mind and out of
this world. It is after all with a whisper and not a shout that you can reach
this world.
What does that really means? God
knows, but I know I cannot be too extreme, that is all. Or else, people just
shut down, and they do not hear anything anymore. So stating the truth directly
is not the solution, it’s got to be done indirectly, talking perhaps about
something completely off mark, and then hope that they will make the link with
who they are and what they are doing.
Letters to Persians. We have not
changed centuries later, there is still no freedom of speech, we have to speak
indirectly, still today, and I’m afraid, it might still be true tomorrow. Alienating
the whole world is simply not an option, I’m afraid. Words, literature can
still have quite an impact. Beyond any dreams. Just have to go overboard once to
understand that. And as I said before, I might have made that mistake many
times over, and will only find out much later, once what I have written gets
more widespread.
I never cared before, because I
never thought it would be more widespread, but I should brace myself, it could
happen overnight, and I would be in deep trouble. Might have to change my name,
start a new life somewhere as a nobody.
Might have been talking forcefully
for some parts of this world, at the cost of alienating other parts, in which I
will no longer be welcome. I was never anyway, without any kind of reputation, so
it should not really matter. But still. With a reputation, then it is clearly
closed, unwanted, unwelcome, get lost! If your plane happens to crash in the
Is it not just literature after
all? In my case it has been so meaningless for so long, why should it change
now? Why would suddenly people want to wish my death? Small minded world.
14 May 2006
At work my bosses were more worried
about if I were to leave, and she caught with me the minute I left. She was
able to because I took the time to say have a good weekend, when really I could
have just got out without saying goodbye. She made a point to tell me that they
did not charge me the $500 to fix their car that I stupidly reversed into a
pole, saying that they wanted me to enjoy
She asked me how I was doing, and I
had to lie. I told her that she did not have to worry about me, that I was
fine, in my little routine, writing and stuff, and that as long as the Chinese
Girl and the Director understood that I am working as fast and as much as I
could, and give me more time (and less shit) to do my job, everything would be
fine. I told her that I was working from the minute I came in to the minute I
left, and that doing anything for the first time took time, but the second time
around I must have beaten some records of rapidity. I must have reassured her,
and now once again I feel guilt because I will be leaving now, one way or the
other. Our little chat might have won her another week, because I won’t have
the courage to announce it to them next week, might wait until the end of the
month instead.
And something else to report from
yesterday, about the Mormon next door. He knocked on my door as early as 9 am,
inviting me to go to the church, can you believe? And to get involved in their
Mormon community, and what else. He suggested sending me some missionaries to
learn more about it, made a point to say that the polygamists ones were not
linked to the their Church, and that now they were accepting Black people,
which they not for a long time, perhaps even until a few decades ago (probably
a long time off from accepting gay people I would say). A very discriminating
Church, I have to say, with women worth almost nothing and men being the king
of their kingdom. Just like in every religion on the planet. If I had been a
woman, my God, I would have written three times more, to denounce all the
unfairness of this world. I can’t even believe why and how it took so long for
women to finally see more clearly and fight for their rights to anything,
especially in religion where they are still far off.
So, why is it so important to
Mormons to recruit new people? Have they been trained to spot any weak mind and
jump on them at the very second there could a chance? Calling headquarters to
send me almost what it felt like their police to assess me, convince me, take
me away, brainwash me, and finally ask for my tithing, a big chunk of my
salary?
My only defense, and I never
thought that one day it would be my salvation, I told him that I was Catholic.
He said, oh, that is a hard one to leave, to move into a new Church. And I
thought, why, have you tried a lot of converting other people, and with
Catholics it fails? Is it easier with Protestants? And I supposed that with the
Jewish faith, it is nearly impossible to convert them? Maybe I should have told
him I was Jewish, then he would have understood that there was no way ever that
I would join his Church, and he would have left me alone. Catholic might not
convince him, we both have the Old and New Testament as our basis.
He knocked on my door again that day,
but I did not answer. Once was enough. He invited me in, insisted many times
that we went to the Church together, that he had a car (her has a car?), a big
Jeep 4X4, completely new, waiting in the car park to bring me to heaven. Where
does he get his money? How did he managed such a god pension? I can’t even
afford a new car whilst working full time, how could I ever in retirement buy
one? Anyway, he was ready to give me everything if I were to join his Church,
helping me as much as he could, and the price was just too much to pay, I had
to say no, thank you, and leave me alone! I’d rather die alone on the street with
nothing than become a Mormon or join any Church. He told me that he became a
Mormon because he was miraculously cured by one of them when he was 10 years
old. And said that his faith became more important and official after he
survived World War Two and the Korean War. I almost asked him how many people
died from his own hand in those two wars, I did not, but then I assumed that it
was ugly, when he mentioned that when it was over, he felt shame for what he
had done. And I understood that if there is a heaven, whether I am gay or not,
whether I join a Church or not, whether I pray or not, I am purer than he is, I
never killed anyone, I will go to heaven, he will go to hell.
I have been trying to reach Stephen
all weekend, and before that since I arrived from
It is Sunday again, and I am
freaked out again. Not sure why. I think now that even being with the Spanish
Boy is simply too much. That’s one more element I cannot stand anymore.
Including both my bosses there in that same office. Since she talked to me, I
live in fears. Going in the office in the morning is now such a torment, they
really succeeded in screwing up my mind.
Where is Stephen? Why does he not
pick up the phone?
15 May 2006
Stephen finally called me this
morning. If I was paranoid, I would say it was convenient indeed that his phone
was reconnected five minutes before the time I get up to go to work. Some
children apparently destroyed a box exchange, and he was without a phone for a
week at least.
He still has not found a job, and
obviously his situation has gone from bad to worse. And so, I still cannot go
back to
God, what am I gonna do? Can I just
sail through all this, survive this indefinitely? Will something happen to save
me now? Anything?
16 May 2006
Yesterday une carte de mode
(fashion card?) entered the office. He fitted exactly the profile of the young
successful American freshly out of the University in which every big CEOs hover
over believing they will turn them into the best slaves they ever got, baving
in their office over what miracles they might accomplish.
The young man was so perfect, he
could be one of those actors in those cheap series on TV. Slim, tall, blond,
perfect jaw, expensive little SUV, a model I had never seen, wearing jeans at
his interview, and yet, looked the part entirely. He was offered a high
position in marketing and if he accepts the job offer, will sit next to me
whenever he starts.
Now, that is very funny, because
every time they had in interviews what we could call the image type of the
professional American who could easily sell you a house in the middle of
nowhere, because you only feel like dropping at their feet as you know they
must be honest and beyond intelligence, compared with the rest of the
population, they always either refuse the job or leave soon after. Indeed,
they’re the intelligent ones. They don’t waste time where they know there will
be trouble, they seem to be able to smell a bad place, not because of the
bosses, but because of management. And yet, that one did not even meet the
management, and our new desks and space could somehow make him think that this
might be a professional and young company on its way to great success, perfect
for a fresh career. And yet, I think he will refuse the position, he looks way
too normal. And this is when I realized that we’re all misfits in there, and
you know what? I am too, I fit perfectly with the misfits. None of us look the
part, look like him.
Apparently he’s got an accent, for
a moment there the Admin Director thought he was French, then from his name she
thought he was German, and now we know he’s from
One look at him, and I thought it
would be nice if he were to start working with us, sitting next to me. Not
because I think he could be gay, I am quite certain he is straight, perhaps
even married, otherwise, someone like that must have a girlfriend, he’s got
success written all over his pretty face. I thought it would be nice because he
looks normal, and hence, how could he be unfair, petty, jealous, small minded,
wasting time with futilities and backstabbing? I’m hoping he will bring some
sort of balance in the office, stop the others in their tracks, the one no
longer with their feet on the ground. However they probably will try to destroy
him in no time, and he will most certainly leave at the first opportunity. There’s
a chance though, working in marketing, he probably won’t have to answer to any
of the management, he might have an easier ride than the rest of us, mere
mortals at the bottom of the hierarchy.
Am I going to finally have some
sanity in this office? I could be mistaken, but I don’t so, I am a good judge
of character, and that is why I know he won’t accept the job. Unless somehow
they made it clear at the interview that the bosses are Jewish, which I’m sure
they did, and so, he might feel this is a safe job after all. From his point of
view, a nice Jewish and successful business, might be hard to resist. The
problem is that the rest of the office is far from being Jewish, we’ve got just
about every ethnicity, every religion, and many hippies. Heek! Let me out of
here!
I thought this book was finished, I
thought I was already out of here, and yet, I’m going to witness a new change
in the structure. I understood speaking with Stephen that I am in an even worst
position now to go back to
My enemy now is the Sun, as it is
so hot in here, cycling to work is not exactly a good idea, even if the price
of petrol has gone so high recently, that I’m glad I don’t have to worry about
that. My Mormon neighbor has stopped using his car, too expensive, must be
counting his pennies then, better stop paying the tilthing then.
If I were stuck here for many more
months, I think I would have accepted his offer to bring me to the Church, get
mixed in their community, pretend that I am a Mormon pure and hard, read the
damn book, and impress them all. I could be the best extremist Mormon they
would have ever seen. I would have had to pay the tilthing to be more
convincing, but I would have there a great book to write, perhaps two, most
likely. Oh, and turn straight I guess, also a requirement, and make my websites
disappear, also not acceptable. Hey, that’s not a crazy idea! If I were rich,
capable of sustaining myself with my writing career, I might consider it, right
now this is just impossible. Maybe later on in my life.
Might be better though to
infiltrate some Catholic or Protestant sects, who cares about the Mormons these
days, their shortcomings are all over the news, we all know they’re corrupt to
the limits. So you need to be pretty blind to still be part of that Church. Or
like my neighbor, a Mormon needs to have save some little health impediment you
had which most likely would have corrected itself on its own. You have to
admit, it is quite extraordinary that so many people believe in a God or another,
without any kind of proof whatsoever, and base their life changing decisions on
that. The ultimate control of humanity, a great success story achieved through
fear of whatever, and what else. God for the weak minds, the lost ones, in need
of a little bit of help to get back on their feet, religion and abuse for the
weakest ones. Better be strong, feel the confidence building inside of me, they
can smell misery miles away, and will never fail to take advantage of it.
A new book just came out in
The author appears all impressed
that I am in
And now I’m going to speak about a
painful subject. The fat and rejected Jewish boy at work. The total opposite of
the other one who might start to work soon. Let’s just start by saying that he
looks weird, as I’m sure I mentioned before. We could think that it was because
he was Jewish, but we know now that it has nothing to do with it. It is just
that he is like that, poor soul, and does not help himself in the process,
convinced that he is in the only lane he will ever be able to be in, and so he
is trying to convince everyone that he is somehow a marginal and that he’s
worth something for it.
The whole office laugh in his back,
it does not help that he was sick so many times lately, we’re all impressed that
he is still working with us (or disappointed depending on the department we’re
in). It was too clear to me that there were many parallels that could be drawn
between that ultimate loser and myself when I started to work there. He is
three times fatter than I am, but I am a little bit fat, and so some people
would reject me like that like they did with him. We are both going to work
with our bicycles, the only ones in the company. We both like sci-fi as an
escape from this terrible reality, though he is a bit too much into the
fantasy, and that does not answer any of my existential questions. He is also
into cartoons, Pokemons, and proud of it. Which is certainly very sad indeed.
While I thought he could be gay and
still avirgin, I thought I might as well try to find out more about him, and
help him. But I lost all my motivation once I found out that he was looking
like crazy at all the females’ breasts in the office. Another straight one, he
can die alone in his corner with all his prejudices then, I can’t help him. He
will meet or his family will manage for him to meet a Jewish girl as lost as he
is, and they will be happy together, whatever, I don’t care.
Two things however have changed my
mind. The first one is one thing the Spanish Boy who thinks he is so cool
compared to me, when it is the total opposite, as he is nothing while my life
could be considered cool somehow, he said that me and the Jewish Boy, no
difference, we’re the same thing. Meaning that we both deserve to be total rejects
and ignored by the cool society out there. Oh yeah? And that coming from a fat
Mexican? Who miraculously lost some weight in the last two weeks, knowing too
well that he would become an instant reject without the only thing that got him
the chance to get anywhere here in
The second argument is that he is
obviously trying to reach out to me. I’m the only one who’s nice to him in the
office, who understand completely where he is and what’s going on in his mind.
I’m also the only one capable of seeing that there’s a human being under all
that pretence. There’s a psychological explanation for all his weird
statements. I can see beyond it all, whilst everyone chose to ignore his
existence, wondering why he is working there. I show interests, that’s all.
I do, I wish I could without
consequence go to a pub with him to hear his story, however he must be so
desperate for just that, that he might start calling me everyday like Leonardo,
and at the moment, one friend in L.A. is already too much for me who’s been
living in my cavern in London for the last decade. And yet, I want to hear his
story, I think I will invite him to do something this weekend, find out more
about him, his deep psychological problems. I want to see where he lives, I
want to find out about his books, DVDs, his little nest where he lives with his
brother (who’s probably good looking, successful, married with kids, etc.).
He knows I’m gay though, he will
certainly think that I have some ulterior motive for wanting to see his
bedroom, it will probably never cross his mind that I’m just curious by nature
and need to learn about everything there is under the sun, especially about
such a specimen of rejection, that repulse just about everyone that comes
across him. Ultimately, I only wish to understand human nature, how prejudiced
we all are, unfair, destroying souls all over the damn place. I want to find
out if he is after all a human being who deserves to exist, to live, to have
some freedom, create stuff, become something worthy of being alive. I’m sure he
has a unique point of view on this world, after so much rejection. For him,
must be a constant battle for survival. How could he not be suicidal?
God knows, maybe I’m mistaken,
maybe I’ve read too much of myself in him, maybe I really do have a bad
judgment of character. Maybe he had twenty girlfriends by now, and he left them
because they could not share his passions for the fantasy world. Maybe he is
ten times more stronger in his mind than I am, quite possible, I’ve reached
rock bottom so many time in the last few years. Stuck in a time loop, repeating
the same year every year, with just barely a change of scenery to make it more
acceptable to me, or else, I would shot myself by now. Like if you only had one
game on your console, only one, a little race car going around the same circuit
over and over again. And then, instead of being in one town, you’re in another,
and yet, you’re doing the same damn thing, driving that stupid car around the
place. You would tire quickly of that game, even if it was the only one you
had. You couldn’t play it for years, you would destroy it at some point. Unless
you were like a fish, with a brain so small, that by the time you have gone
around your bowl, you would have forgotten all about it, and it would still
feel new and beautiful.
Oh dear, I’m now in the business of
salvaging lost souls. Just like the Mormons. Make your check payable to me,
thank you. Cos I think I will invite the poor guy this weekend, I’ll invite him
to go for a drink at the Yankee Doodle. I would invite him here, however he
would think I want sex, and will probably be horrified. At least that one would
actually leave the place eventually, unlike Leonardo who seems to want to build
himself a tent on my balcony, move in here permanently, still don’t know what
he sees in me, especially when the guy has such a past and is about to go
global with his music. At his level, I would not even know I was still on
earth, sharing it with a bunch of people who’ve only tried their hardest to
destroy me. I would be beyond pleased to leave them all behind. Not talk to any
of them. You can remain in the hole you have built for yourself, while you
thought I was in it even deeper than you are. I’ve only been an observer
hovering from above, I was never sinking in the hole with you all, that I know.
I always had my way out, and if I have not yet taken it, it is because I feel
there’s perhaps more for me to see, or else, whatever shit I could be in by
disappearing, believe me, I would not hesitate, as I know that there’s always a
solution around the corner, I’ve experienced it too many times, I would not let
money or Stephen not having a job right now stop me. The truth is, I don’t mind
remaining in
I may be drunk right now, and
having a laugh at your expense, however I cannot deny that being at the top of
a mountain in real life, with a view to kill, has no effect on me. While being
at the top of a mountain in a virtual world in front of my computer, could
bring such peace in my mind, such a great feeling of infinite desire to exist. So
far reaching, that sometimes when I have an orgasm, that’s what I think of,
these virtual worlds on my computer. It is quite powerful, meaningful, perhaps
the only existence I really have and ever had, and will ever have. No need for
this reality anymore, I much prefer living in a virtual world. And I’m still
waiting for that software which will be detailed enough to bring me anywhere in
this world without having to move out of my computer screen. Giving me the
chance to fly, visit any museum, meet the whole planet, as if this was a real
world, right at the tip of the buttons of my mouse. Then there will be no need
to ever go out again, travel again. Might still be only a 2D screen, yet, it is
more real to me than this deficient and painful 3D real world. Fuck it, fuck
you all, just die, I don’t care. I don’t need you, I don’t need this real
world. I want a simple life, no bureaucracy, no bastards, no real impact on my
life. I’m disconnected, I’ve been for years, and now I’m looking for a way to
make it more permanent, and trust me, I’ll find it.
The real world only makes me want
to commit suicide. Virtual worlds are so pleasurable, that’s what causes my
orgasms. What does that tell you about your world?
Time to change it, at the very
least. It’s too late for me, I’m already gone forever, no significant change
could come within my lifetime to make it right, radical changes would be
required, and I know the rate at which things change around here, just as well
I have my computer.
Shit, I can barely recognize my
life.
God, being back in
It is getting ridiculous, this
guilt feeling I have for not answering my emails, I just get too many, I have
to learn to not give a shit about it, fuck them, my life does not belong to
them, the little time I have, is not for them, it is for myself. I cannot
anymore with all the emails I receive. They have to understand that. I need a
life! If I did not have published books, if I did not have these websites, no
one on this planet would feel the need to talk to me. So why don’t you just act
as if I did not exist in the first place? I’m going to ignore every message I
receive from now on. No more guilt. Just like all the emails I sent to these
people who are somewhat known, none of them took the time to answer me back,
and I never wondered why, so I am at that point now, everyone else need to
understand.
And if I get one more African to
ask me to send him a Bible or a grammar book or something, or to help him
escape his nightmare of an existence, I swear, I’ll start a new World War, since
obviously the first ones did not work, they’re all still alive, damn it! Asking
for my help! We missed the first times around. We need to correct that mistake,
they should all be dead by now, and leaving me in peace. What? They’re not dead
from AIDS yet? I thought we carefully planned to make sure none of them would
still be alive in the next decade. Why is it that under Hitler all Black
Africans did not have to worry at all? And what is this about attacking Jewish
and Gay people, of all people? When it is so obvious that Africans are this
inferior race that needs to be eradicated from the face of this Earth?
I don’t care to be popular in
Why the fuck are my books
connecting with what these people are going through? I don’t understand, unless
our way of life is very much similar to theirs. And how could this be? That
they are recognizing themselves in what I am writing, while no others where I
live can see it? Is it just more extreme where they are, enough for them to see
the truth about what’s going on around here?
I’ve been invited many times to
speak at conferences in
Don’t worry, we don’t have to do
anything anymore, they will be wiped out in no time. Isn’t that wonderful? We’ll
never have to suffer seeing one sick child on TV dying from hunger again,
asking for our help and money, which we don’t have anyway. No more guilt trip,
let’s just them all die and rid us of that sick Third World we never wanted in
the first place.
Not our fault if they did not have
the time to discover the greatness of the capitalist society like we did. Not
our fault if they could not control their tyrants, we’ve got ours under tight
leech, their powers are limited, we will stop Bush before he annihilates the
whole world, you can be assured of that (I hope anyway).
So fuck
Oh dear, I feel so much better now,
that I have admitted to all that. Finally I’m breathing. I feel great!
Of course, you will have missed all
the irony, but what can I say? It’s always been like that. I’m a monster, what
I can say for my defense? I’m only stating what we all collectively really
think, what our actions show. So you can’t condemn me, without condemning
yourself, hypocrite fuckers!
Usually I would not have bothered
with telling you that I was being sarcastic to make a point, I wonder why I
bothered this time.
18 May 2006
Yesterday I was so tired at work, I
wanted to take the last two days of the week off. Difficult, as I have so many
deadlines, one on Tuesday. So I went to bed early last night just to feel human
again at work, and today I did not feel like taking a vacation. However I did,
and tomorrow and Monday I’m off.
Now what worries me is that I have
not planned anything, and I need to do something. It cannot be four wasted days
playing games, reading, and sleeping. I might called Leonardo and spend a day
with him, at least. Need to visit the centre of
In the last 7 months, I had one day
off in
I had offered to the Sweet Chinese
Girl to help her with her deadline tomorrow, she’s in deep, with a lot to do,
and she is angry again and ready explode, despite the fact that both my boss
and the Chinese Girl will be with her at the conference. It is still not enough
and will get burnt again. Nice for a change to see that I’m not the only one
with trouble. And I had to take a vacation or else I would have had to throw in
a sicky, and probably not being paid for it, and it would have looked bad.
And I’m not poor at the moment, got
nearly $900 back in taxes this week, what a discovery! I thought taxes you just
pay too much and never get it back. I was wrong about that one, it even came
back before my departure, isn’t that great? Feel guilty for not sending money
to Stephen, however I have to keep that money for when I will move out, just in
case I have to buy a plane ticket, or that I don’t work the last week of June.
I will tell him and see what he says. Got to be careful with my money, Da Vinci
Code and some food might be my only expense, and gas for Leonardo’s car if we
go somewhere.
Time to go back for my last
afternoon, a lot to do today, because of that deadline on Tuesday.
18 May 2006
That’s it, it is done, I have four
days off! I have already drank a full bottle of wine, I’ve been celebrating.
And the strangest thing, I feel so free, so alive! We’re only talking about
four days, and yet, it means so much to me! I can barely contain my enthusiasm,
I’m filled with energy, ideas, projects to work on, anything, anything!
I was thinking about starting that
novel I was talking about, translating that book I was talking about, and why
not take over the world by the same token? And that’s what I’m planning to do
tomorrow with Leonardo, but I will talk about that in my other blog. Here, I’m
talking about work.
And work I did, this afternoon. In
a few hours I did all that took me days to do for my first conference. I have a
feeling that if I were to stick to this job, I would become that miracle worker
they all thought I was going to be. Sorry these things take time, there’s no
other way. Well, I’m ready to go to
Which reminds, I feel so free, to
do whatever I want, that I might just take him on on his invitation to visit
the Mormon Church and meeting the community. I’m sure it would inspire a few
pages, the question is how many pages and will it all be worth it? We might
just find out! I will anyway on Sunday morning, how I feel, I’m still drunk or
not, if Leonardo is still here or not. Circumstances and destiny will decide a
lot of what I will be doing in those four days, the consequences could be very
far reaching, like they could be meaningless. We’ll just have to find out. I’m
boiling inside, let’s see if I can maintain that state of mind for four days. I
am free! That’s it, I need to open my second bottle. God only knows what I will
write tonight.
Suicide is the last idea on my
mind, when I feel as strong as this. Which means, that this heartless job is
what really was driving me to this insanity. And then, is it not clear that one
needs to escape it? Get out of it before one does the irreparable? It’s not
that clear cut. Sometimes you feel there’s no way out, but in my case there was
one. Sometimes you’re just too deep in it to even care about any sort of
tomorrow or anything else. Dangerous days, I should avoid them as much as I
could, but it ain’t easy, as I’ve recently discovered. Only the thought and
stating that I was willing to leave at any time saved me. Otherwise they would
still be at it right now, making my life such a misery, just to get more work
done, some miracles that is just not humanly possible. Bastards. And now
they’re pushing everything towards that other guy, who’s working from home. It
looks like he’ll be responsible for four conferences or something, an
impossible task, and they will certainly kill him in the process. He has the
freedom to say no, to take on board only what he wants, and once he agrees,
he’s fucked. I think he’s gay, nice guy, I see him once in a while. He loves
Star Trek, I told him that Doctor Who was even better, I failed to ask him what
he thought of it, I know he’s been watching it on BBC
And of course, I’m talking bullocks
here, but hey, I’m drunk again, what do you expect? I’m still very much
Canadian at heart. Which means, I’m naïve. I can easily be taken for a ride. I
can easily be manipulated, because it is easy to trick me, since I think the
whole world is honest and truthful, just like I am. Let’s give them as many
chances as we can give, who does it hurt in the end? Yes, I’m Canadian, I can’t
escape that, it’s in my nature, I’m a nice guy, I’ll open my heart every time,
I’ll let you take advantage of me every time, and when you will come back
asking for more, I’ll just give you more. There’s limit to my kindness, that’s
what I’m really all about, just like every Canadian. What are you waiting for?
We’re all waiting here to be taken advantage of, to help you, our heart knows
no bound. We’ll still help you after you robbed us blind. Because that’s who we
are. Trusting you, even after you’ve been proven yourself untrustworthy. And I
guess, I’m proud of it. That’s one way of saving this world, from complete
destruction. I guess I’m more Canadian that I would like to admit. Maybe one
day I’ll be proud of calling myself Canadian. But not today.
I am myself, I am from nowhere, I
have a mission to accomplish, and I will accomplish it. I don’t know yet what
my mission is, I’m in the process of identifying it, what it is that I’m going
to do and achieve with this life, but I feel it is becoming more concrete every
day, and I will eventually find out, and then nothing will stop me. I will
accomplish my mission. And I never felt so close to finding out, here in
And that my friends, is the
American dream. When one useless drunken soul thinks he can save the world and
become rich in the process, free himself in the process. And that’s my life
story. I’m not there yet, but I will, this year, that’s why I came to
This is my world, you only exist
from own point of view. I am the master and the king of my own universe, you
will do and hear as I see fit. No one else exist around here, you are all part
of my dreamt reality, my dreams. I’ve created you, like you are creating your
own universe. And in my own universe, I’ll be a leader, I’ll control
everything. I will save you, I’ll make you happy, I’ll make this life worth
living. I will not only create hope, I will give you what you have been
searching for all your life. Freedom. Total freedom. To do whatever it is you
want to do, whenever it is you want to do it. Financial freedom, all the love
you ever wanted to get, sex until you choke on that pussy or that dick. Human
nature is very predictable, sex is a big part of your life. If you don’t get it
at home, then there’s something wrong. No matter if you’re fat and ugly, you
need and deserve to have sex. Most human basic need. Comes before food, clothes
and roof. Main priority, or else, deep psychological problems, escape through
fantasy worlds and perhaps sci-fi. Not worth it. Sex, most important need to
fulfill. Before freedom, before anything. So find a way, make it happen, it
will make you happy, whatever the means you will use to get there.
Oh dear, oh God, I’m already too
drunk, not sure what it is that I am talking about here. And I wonder if
tomorrow when I edit those 500 pages, if this will remain or not. Interesting,
is it not? What a drunk mind can think, and an sane one can decide to delete. Something
is telling me that this will remain. A drunk mind always goes to the essential,
what’s really important. And a sane mind can recognize that when it reads it,
it wonders how being sane, none of this would have ever come out. When it is
such a basic truth, bare to the essentials of life. Useless to lie, we all need
to be satisfied sexually, we all need to be successful socially, we all need to
be rich beyond belief, and enjoy our hard find freedom. That is what is called
hope. Some of us are sidetracked by religion, religious people controlling our
lives, but essentially, it all comes back to that: sex, money, power, freedom.
And I admit that this is what I have been seeking desperately. And I admit,
this is what I thought I could achieve by writing these useless books. Hoping
that this last one would make it big out there, freeing me from all my
obligations and social responsibilities. Now I know this won’t work. I’ll have
to find another way. And I’ve got plenty of ideas to get there, to reach the
same results without these useless books. Let’s see if I will succeed. Anything
at this point would do. Anything. Hard work will be required, but I’m not afraid
of hard work, if there’s a chance to get me to this hard seek freedom. I will
get there, one way or another. And this is not dependent on anyone else,
friends, parents, boyfriend, anything. I’m so disconnected when I reach that
point, I’m alone in this world, everyone and everything only exists from my own
frame of reference. They no longer exist. I know better. I know of a world
where I was 17, lost in
Since you can only make out of this
world, places you have actually gone to. Or else, you have no idea, it might as
well have never existed. And it is a sad life to have never actually witnessed
anything. You can die in the San Fernando Valley, thinking that you are at the
center of the known universe, but if you have never gone out of it to verify
that anything else actually exists, then you might as well have never been born
in the first place. I’m sorry, you are not at the center of the universe. You
are nothing. There’s more to this world than plain old
Oh dear, I’m no longer of this
world. I’m from everything I have ever come across, of all these place I’ve
seen, all these virtual worlds I’ve been to. I’m from the imagination of
someone else. That’s where I’m from, because that’s where I’ve been living in
those last few years. And it’s better than the real thing, I can tell you. I
have no interest in the real world, none at all. I’ve been living somewhere
else, and I would not give it up for nothing. Even
I think you’re going to have real
trouble assimilating the new generation into your world. I think none of them
would want to be part of it. I think none of them could. We’re all really
disconnected, connected to many other worlds, which seem much more worthwhile
to us. None of your crap will make any sense to any of us. That will cripple
your way of life beyond any predictions. I’m telling you. Adapting your world
to what we’ve been used to, will be impossible. And there’s nothing slightly
attracting to any of us in your real world. We will choose the virtual worlds
every time, I’m telling you. We’re disconnected. But we’re a whole generation.
And then, it becomes, that you’re disconnected completely. God knows in which
world you’re living in, but that has got nothing to do with our worlds. And
sincerely, we don’t care, we don’t give a shit. You might try to connect, to
look cool to us, but we’re not stupid, we can tell, we know, your attempt is
useless. We’re simply no longer living in the same world. Ours is a virtual
one, more significant than the real one. And that’s it, in a nut shell. You’ve
made the real world something that no one in their right mind from the new
generation could ever wish to live in. Forcing us to go even deeper in the
virtual worlds, which are 1000 times better. I’m afraid, we might have to end
up being a whole generation plugged into their computers, because nothing in
the real world could make us want to disconnect. Certainly not a real job, with
real bosses that we will only wish to shoot right there where they stand. And
parents? Who cares about parents and what they think is best for us? Not me, I
don’t care, I have no more parents, they’re all dead, in that last war, or was
it just in a virtual world or something? Ah, who cares anyway. We have no
parents. They’re gone, who cares about what they might say. Not us. We’re
already somewhere else. We’ve been playing these video games for far too long,
we can no longer make the distinction between the real and the fake world. And
to be honest, the fake world is one thousand time better than the real world.
You simply cannot win. You wanted to witness a lost generation, then you will.
Nothing, nothing in the real world can compare, can compensate, we cannot put
up with any of your bullshit, as we know better, of a world of pleasure, or
real happiness. And you can only bring a world of darkness and unhappiness. We
will all reject it instantly. And then, I guess, we’ll just have to build
something better. Something that will reflect these virtual worlds we’ve been
living in for so long. God only knows what it might look like, and yet, it will
happen, because we’re the new generation, and that’s where we’ve been living
in, for all those years. Pleasure, ecstasy, great worlds to evolve in, is all
we’ve ever known, and that’s what we’ll be seeking for. Something in the real
world that can make us feel the same. Like if we were out of this world, out of
this boring reality. Great things are to be expected from the new generation,
my God, they will transform this world into something finally livable. I can’t
wait, because I am a man living beyond his time, living in a dying world built
by a past date generation. I can foresee the future, and the future is bright.
It will be created by people like me, people completely disconnected from any
sort of reality. Who will reject everything instantly. The future is bright
indeed, quick, let’s just kill anything and anyone who’s older than me. None of
them could be part of that future. They’re way too disconnected, no matter how
cool they may think they are. Let the youngest generation of all take over,
take power, build the new institutions, rebuild everything. It will be out of
this world, and it might actually be bearable and acceptable to me. Let’s get
rid of this old world, let’s build a new world based on dreams, virtual worlds
and the likes. Let’s fly out of here, escape, while we still can, while I still
can. None of your crap will be acceptable to any of us. God knows the world you
have been living in for so long, make no sense to any of us, none of us could
buy it, none of us wants it. Not sure what we will make of it. The Stock
Exchange market will have to disappear, I’m afraid, makes no sense to any of
us. Private Equity? What the fuck is that? Capitalism? I don’t even understand
the concept. Only that it does not seem to work. Perhaps in a
Do not underestimate the new
generation. They cannot understand anything about what you are, or pretend to
be. They have no interest whatsoever in whatever it is that are doing. I’m
telling you, you are so out of touch with our reality, you would believe. We
will reject just about everything that you are about. We will throw just about
everything that composes your reality. We’re just from another world, be it
virtual or whatever, none of this makes sense to us. You can only alienate us
all, and in return, once we take power, we can only destroy you, because you’re
way too much out of touch with who we are, our true nature. I thought I was the
only one who was lost, I understand that I was simply before my time. I have an
army following me, thinking just like me, not understanding anything about this
world you built, and not wanting to understand anything. It’s all crap, it is
not necessary, it is complicating an existence that is already too complicated.
I have only one purpose, find happiness, enjoy life and freedom, and everything
you are all about, is the complete opposite. So you will just have to go and
disappear. And I have now a whole generation behind me thinking the same. So
better watch out! Slavery in big corporations, these days are over. Making a
few richer than they already are, when it does not get anyone else any richer,
that is over. You’re little management mind games to drive us crazy, making us
work harder, that is also over. We’ve seen it all, we know how it works, we’re
not going to play the game. You’re not going to get richer out of our hard
work, we’re not that kind of generation. We won’t be slaves to you. It just
won’t work, because we’re less stupid than our parents. We know we won’t get
any pension like they did. We might as well try to be happy while we can, no
point in waiting until retirement, there won’t be one. Fuck you! Fuck you all.
The days of exploitation are over. You won’t turn our generation into slaves to
make you richer and us poorer. You went too far. You pushed it too far. You
thought you could get away with anything, well, it is no longer the case with
the new generation. We’ve known something better, before even reaching you,
hearing about you, and we can find out instantly anything we need to know about
you. We know you’re corrupt, exploitative, no caring for anyone except your own
profit, so we won’t contribute to that, you will die, you should die. There’s
no need for a few billionaires in this world while the rest of us are just
slaves to them, barely surviving in our corporate prisons. This is not the
American dream, we all know that. Your days are counted. We’re not your slaves
anymore! Do you hear us? Fuck you!
23 May 2006
Finally home after my first day
back, not too bad, since I got out of the way most of what I had to do for my
second conference in
I finally got to know what religion
the Black Guy was, a Baptist or something, whatever that is, still believe in
Jesus-Christ though, and as predicted, he is so damn religious that he quite
openly told me I was an heretic for being obsessed with The Da Vinci Code. He
said that he would never go and see that film, as he is holier than thou. And
when he stated that he always went to see two films for the price of one in
those cinema complex filled with theatres, I claimed that this was stealing and
illegal. He freaked out completely and lost himself in infinite justifications
about the fact that it must be allowed, and also that he was holier than thou. I
had a good laugh at him for his comment about The Da Vinci Code. Mister is not
so perfect after all. And then I told him that we were all doing it, no big
deal, and he seemed to feel relieved somehow.
The Jewish Boy started today, the
perfect one I said looked like a
Which brings me back to the Jewish
Boy at work who started today. When I asked if he was the new marketing guy, he
did not know what I was talking about, he said that he was some sort of
researcher, in his broken accent. I then thought he was just a researcher. Then
I came back and asked him where he was from, when he said
Oh dear, finally home, with an
opened beer, and my infinite amount of MP3 on my hard drive, I can finally have
access to all those MP3 which were lost on all my CDs and DVDs. Took me the
whole Sunday sorting them out, copying them to my hard drive and ripping my
other audio CDs I bought since I moved to L.A. Now it is all accessible with a
few clicks. So much to choose from, wonderful. I’m listening to Alanis
Morrissette, her first one, it has been years since I listened to that, it was
lost on an obscure CD I never reach for some reason. It made me think, that
Jagged Little Pill album is probably the most anarchic record I own, the closest
to my dark poetry there ever will be, and yet it has sold over 35 million
copies. Worth having the music to accompany the poetry, I have to admit, it
sells just a little bit more.
26 May 2006
Another week done, a successful one
at that, worked terribly hard. The Chinese Girl came back from
The hardest this week was to see
how nice the Chinese Girl was to both the Spanish Boy and the Sweet Chinese
Girl, while she completely avoided even speaking to me. And finding out how
easy all their hotel contracts for venues have been, none of our requirements
ended up in the contracts, whilst I had to fight like a madman with all those
venues in
And then I had a comforting
thought. If the Chinese Girl is so nice to the Sweet one, it is because she
knows too well she has been alienated lately, and she is trying her hardest to
at least save that one, while she knows I’m already gone and there’s no way
back. I guess there are consequences after all to treating people like shit and
ask too much from them, with favoritism on top of it, it makes it even harder. To
save my last conference, in the last two weeks we went into a crusade and
successfully got 80 people there. None of this happened with my actual one,
they seem completely happy to let it sink, whilst the conference of the North
Hollywood guy is still five weeks away, with the same number of attendees as my
conference, and two or three more sponsors only, and yet they have already
pushed the panic button, this conference is now moving in higher gear, mine is
sinking and I will confront a bunch of angry people in Philadelphia next week. At
least I know the third one will be a huge success, if we can eventually finish
it and start selling, I won’t be there though to greet them. I don’t care.
Well, that’s it, nothing to report
this week.
4 June 2006
I am now in
At first glance, I have to say that
I love
If you were born in
If I had not written that highly
negative text about America which alienated every single American who read it,
and if they had not just turn around and told me to get out of the country, as
if I had no right to even walk here after saying such a thing, I would never
have reassessed my thoughts and feelings about America. Now I know that despite
it all, despite this corporate mentality where you work yourself to death
without one single day off, which I read recently it was the same in the
corporate world in France, America is a great country and we can be proud of
it, I can be proud of it and admit it, from the point of view of humanity. It
makes me want to go back and delete a lot of what I have written about a great
many things, but that would be useless. I thought so at the time, I have to
respect that. If I were to really be banned from
As much as I believe that the
people I am working with are petty and small minded, and very much selfish, I
think I am guilty of the same, especially when it comes to writing. I have to
stop being petty and selfish, and so judgmental, and denounce a whole country
on trifles which in the end history will never really remember. I have to
change my point of view, and stop being so small minded. It’s the greater scheme
of things that counts.
So, should I tell you all about my
excursion downtown Philly from 2 to 4 am? First let’s say that I liked it, I
like the people, the architecture, the character, the pubs, the high buildings
made of bricks, etc. But really, I hope they thought I was French and not
French-Canadian, because I was a real spaz, they could have thought I just came
from the countryside, locked up in a Church of Latter Day Mormon polygamist
sect, and was coming to town for the first time ever in my life. They must have
thought I was one of those lost boys.
First I had to find food, so I
asked. A guy answered me something like Hoagies, Locust and Wawa. What? Is he
speaking to me in English? So I asked patiently what was a Wawa. He looked at
me like if I was from another planet, it’s a shop, he said. Then I asked him
what a hoagie was, he answered a sandwich. Finally, I asked him what a Locust
was. By that time he must have understood how lost I was. It’s a street! Ah, I
said. Then when I turned around, still half asleep, asking where that Hoagies
shop was where I could buy a Wawa, he just pointed me in a direction and told
me to walk down there. He was probably convinced I would never find my way back
to the hotel alive.
I almost thought so myself, as in ant
great adventure, I have met many a devil on my way to Wawa down
And that’s how I felt like when I
finally arrived at Wawa to buy a sandwich. I tried to order a sandwich from the
guy behind the counter, of course, like in any good graphic adventure game, it
ain’t that easy. The guy grumbled something. So I had to ask again, and then he
pointed out at a machine. Right, what am I supposed to do with that machine? So
in the end he finally understood that I was born that very morning, and only
the full explanation would enable him to get rid of me, since it was obvious
that I was not going to give up, I wanted my hoagies! You need to order your
sandwich and everything you want in it through the computer screen down there,
then you need to wait for your sandwich and then go and pay at the other till
down there. Ah! Simple, of course, for people familiar with that system, how
could have I guessed that. So all right, I went in front of that screen, but
for some reasons the night was not over, that nightmare of an adventure. There
were four types of sandwiches, none with a name I could actually recognize,
there were many ways to gave them prepared, each way would have required at
least five more questions from me so I could understand what it meant exactly,
and even the condiments and stuff I could put in the sandwich was a list a mile
long, over a few pages of choices, all with unfamiliar terms like five
different sorts of peppers, but no green peppers, my favorite, and we all know
that the wrong kind of spicy peppers can ruin a sandwich. So in the end
ordering my sandwich took me an hour and I proved beyond any doubt that I was
completely useless, like if I were born before the computer age or something,
for god’s sake, I practically invented computers, I was born with one in my
arms. That’s what traveling means, get used to new things, new ways of doing
things, and once you know, the very next day it takes you 1 minute to order a
sandwich. I am unlikely to do so again though, I have a hard time digesting
that Hoagies, must have been those sweet peppers I did not want but that I
somehow ordered.
As much as Mormons and the
religious theme was all over
And there is something else I need
to investigate.
All right, read all about
However, I had little time to
listen to the tour, I had beside me the cutest guy I had ever met in years and
he was drawn to me, except that like Cinderella he was quick to get out
afterwards, when I was hoping we could go for a drink. He is a lawyer and a
singer, and will apparently send me his songs in MP3 via email. Tomorrow he is
leaving for
I found the gay corner, even
without searching for it, visited their center, tried to find that gay pub
afterwards, but could not find it the second time around. I guess you need to
not be looking for something to walk right into it. So I bought a few beers and
went to my room. The conference starts tomorrow at noon, but I’ve got to be
there at 10 am to get ready. So good thing I don’t intend to get drunk. In the
end I missed the
I have to say, I was not that impressed
with
That’s it, I’m afraid. There are
some Quakers history I did not get into, because I could not see much of it in
town, apart from a nice building which is a bank, so I guess that unlike
I’m so impressed with the
architecture here, I just wish that someday we will get back to that kind of
construction. Europe has not forgotten, they are making a clear effort to build
equivalent architecture as in the past (not always though), there’s no reason
we should go for these ugly buildings made of mirrors, which soon we will
probably look back at those thinking: what were we thinking in the 90’s and at
the turn of the millennium? Just a thought.
That guy from
13 June 2006
Today I left work and I thought,
this is it, I have to get out of there. My two conferences are finished, I
cannot wait about hypothetical events in the life of Leonardo to remain any
longer. I don’t need more for this book, I don’t need more shit from them, I
think the experience is over and I will definitely make my decision to announce
that I am leaving within the month.
It is not only that something else
happened today which will definitely guarantee another wave of anti-me around
the office by our great Valley Girl, it is also that I cannot actually even
speak to any of them without suffering dire consequences, as they are all born
backstabbers and there is simply no hope for them. And I am really tired of this.
I don’t even feel like telling you
what happened, as it is so petty, childish, and yet I had to get out, to walk
for 15 minutes outside, and then it was heavy on my mind all the way back from
work and once I was here. This kind of stress is really finishing me off.
It is so stupid as well, I would
tell you about it and you would be wondering what’s the big deal, and in the
end, yeah, right, who gives a shit? But the thing is, our days are filled with
examples like that which makes life in the office unbearable.
Here it goes. Yesterday I went to
buy myself a burrito with the Spanish Boy and I sat down in the conference room
with him and the Valley Girl. I thought to myself, how nice is it that she now
sits in the other room and that if she speaks in my back, I don’t even know
about it and it is wonderful. I learned as well that she is really at war with
the Chinese Girl, she stated that she no longer speaks to her. Oh surprise,
with all the shit you gave her, because your last employee, the last one you did
not get sacked, is now under the Chinese Girl, and you made her life a misery
for the last month or so.
As a result, the Chinese Girl is
now completely alienated, through the endless backstabbing of the Valley Girl, and
now everyone hates the Chinese Girl. And the second night out at the pub corner
tomorrow has only one reason, to provide a conduct for her hate campaign
against the Chinese Girl, and I guess it will also be against me. As she
certainly declared war today on me.
How it happened is what is
fascinating. When the Spanish Boy told me he was not going tomorrow down the
pub, I finally had my chance to say that I was not going either, I had made my
decision yesterday, but only planned to tell them tomorrow. So he said, in that
case, who will report to us the gossips? I said, simple, you go to the Valley
Girl, she is the gossip center of the office. So he immediately picked up the
phone, called her, and told her that I had said that she was the gossip center
of the office. So she came to our side, and joked around saying that I was the
gossip center of the office, that was just pure bollocks, but until then all was
okay.
What turned sour though is that I
was not pleased by this flagrant backstabbing right in front of my face,
especially when one knows how the Valley Girl will work tirelessly to destroy
you if you say anything negative about her. So I told him to not speak to me
for the rest of the day, that he was just a backstabber and that I was not in
the mood to hear any more from him. So he immediately picked up the phone again
and told her all that. Now it was no longer a joke, I had proven that I had
indeed said something in the back of the Valley Girl and that I was not happy
that he told her so. So when I left the office, I said goodbye to her, but I
could see that she was not going to return my goodbye and that there was anger
in her face. And I knew that she had finally declared war on me.
I am already at the end of my
tether, this on top of it makes it so much more impossible to continue in that
office, that I really thought right there that I had enough and needed to make
a decision quite soon. This is a war that I am not interested in fighting or
surviving, it is one that I would hope to be able to avoid altogether.
And my thought at the end of this
day was that, really, there was no longer anyone in this office that was my
friend or even my ally, or anyone I could trust. The Sweet Chinese Girl is now
so alienated against everyone in the office, she no longer smiles or talk to
me. And the Chinese Girl snaps all the time, freaks out for no good reason at
any minute of the day, and this environment is simply just not worth the
effort.
The Spanish Boy has now so clearly
showed me just how dangerous he is, that he does not even need to hide it
anymore, he destroys me right in my face. So what else can I tell him, or speak
about with him, when I know so well that everything will be used against me to
help my destruction?
So going in the office in the
morning now, is so painful, such a nightmare, that I need to get out. I had
enough. Diplomacy does not work, trying to be nice to everyone is not possible,
there is no point in even trying. I had enough.
15 June 2006
I can’t believe I did not say more
than one word to anyone at work in the last two days. I went on a strike of
silence, even if it is really childish and I just play right into their games.
At the same time I am so outraged by all the gossips going around the office,
all from the Mexican Boy, that I cannot let myself open to any other attack
from him and the Valley Girl. The last gossip was that I was interested in the
Jewish Boy, the reject one, and by the same token they must have destroy the
poor kid, and now there is absolutely no way I will ever go for a beer with him
as so to hear his story, as it will be misconstrued.
This week I just reached my quota
of their meanness, and after three days I still cannot calm down. I don’t see
how I could start speaking again tomorrow, I feel like I can’t. Every time I am
telling myself that this is stupid, the Valley Girl comes in, tries to get me
to speak, and she will go back to everyone afterwards to talk in my back. So
today I told her quite bluntly that I just wished to be left alone.
My patience has so run out, that
every time I have to say a word to any of them, I get sick and I have to leave
the room. And Monday is the day I am announcing my departure, or so it should
be the day, but now it would be crazy because of my strike of silence. They
will immediately assume that it is because of the Mexican Boy, when in fact it
is unrelated. It would look like I am leaving because of them, in a bad
situation, when it is really important that it does not look connected to
anything. So tomorrow, Friday, I need to snap out of it, though I don’t feel
like it at all. If I were to never speak to any of them ever again, it would be
perfect.
22 June 2006
That is it, my letter of
resignation is ready, it will be sent tomorrow. My financial people are aware
and it looks fine for now. It was a hard decision to make, however so much
happened this week to motivate me, that it is hard indeed to wait until
tomorrow to send it.
I would have liked to send it when
there was no trouble concerning me, so it would seem that my decision was not
related to any shit they give me. However it could not be helped, there is
always a crisis or another around the office, and somehow I always manage to be
right in the middle of it. The Chinese Girl freaked out at me again yesterday,
moreover, for the whole office to hear, at least the first part of the
argument. She repeated everything she thought about, how incompetent I was, how
slow I was, etc. I guess they will only understand how competent and fast I
actually am once they replace me with someone else. It is always the case with
me, unfortunately it is not my fault if they cannot see it at the time but only
have to understand later. If my replacement is twice better than I am, than I
guess the guy or the girl will be working all the hours that God sends, it
would mean they would be working after hours and on weekend. In that case, if
they wanted a slave, I’m afraid, it won’t be me.
Yesterday I so wished we could have
dig a hole in the floor, wait for the Chinese Girl to fall into it, then cover
it up and pretend she never existed. This scheme was so clear in my mind, I
can’t quite understand why it has not really happened.
It will look terrible on her, this
resignation. I’m afraid I tried to avoid that, and when the bosses will
question me, I will play the innocent chap who’s leaving because he is missing
his loved one on another continent. I will try to spare everyone in my
departure. It won’t be possible though. My silence will speak volume, since the
Chinese Girl has basically finished alienating the Sweet Chinese Girl, and
every day now they come to fists. It ended up last week with the Sweet Chinese
Girl going over the head of the Chinese Girl, right to the boss, to state that
she was not happy about how things are going. And today she was ready to repeat
that little exercise again.
The Chinese Girl was in meeting all
morning with both bosses, I have no doubt they are trying to calm her down,
before everyone leaves. It is just unfortunate that I will be the first one to
make the move. I would have loved to be second, after the Sweet Chinese Girl,
in order to not attract too much attention. But these people depend on their
job and the good salary they get, and they don’t have the time to look for
alternative employment, and so they are prisoners of this office until the end
of times. And I’m sorry, I cannot wait that long to make my move.
One month from now I will be a free
man once again. I will have nothing to show for it professionally, but
artistically I have three books. So it was all worth it. And I sincerely hope
that if anyone ever read this book one day, it will help them go through what
I’ve gone through.
One month from now I will be a free
man.
Just back from my afternoon of
work. I should not rejoice in the troubles of the Sweet Chinese Girl, however I
have to admit that my timing will be perfect. She has not left, but she finally
threatened them to do so today, well to the Chinese Girl anyway, not sure if it
will go any further. That last one, in her meeting with both bosses, were actually
discussing the attitude of the Sweet Chinese Girl now turned into a bitch. And
I thought it was about calming the Chinese Girl down, silly me, I should have
known better.
There were talks about sacking the
Sweet one. After that long meeting (and God knows how it could have lasted that
long!), there was another meeting for two hours between the two Chinese girls,
which only contributed to make the whole matter even worse than it was before,
because obviously the Chinese Girl is incapable of understanding the real issues.
Like with me, she gets stuck on insignificant details and debate those, when
the issues are much deeper and will never be resolved by discussing details
which are just the tip of the iceberg.
So my resignation tomorrow will
hardly come as a surprise, and certainly not as my failure to blend in this
company. That kind of shit about team work and not being a team player, which
is such an old and useless argument, that it has become meaningless. The world
does not work like that, we all know team work is not possible at any rate, we
all want to kill each other on a daily basis, it could not be otherwise, this
is human nature.
It will look so bad on the Chinese
Girl, she will have a hard time justifying herself, especially after her
outburst yesterday. What is so wonderful is that half the office heard her, and
that is exactly what the Sweet Chinese Girl has been saying to the boss, how it
was so unacceptable that the Chinese Girl would speak against her like she did
in front of everyone.
So, I’ll be the first one to
announce my departure, however I doubt I will be the first one out the door. I
very much think that the Sweet Chinese Girl cannot resurface from her
situation. The bosses only heard one side of the story, the one of the Manager,
and it sounds bad I have to say. She made the Sweet Chinese Girl sound like if
she was a baby winging when she did not get what she wanted. How these whole
episodes could have been turned into such derisions, I cannot say, however it
seems that the arguments are good and reflect what has been observed, certainly
to the bosses.
And by definition, since they are
blind to what is really going on, they have no idea that these are trifles
which have exploded as a consequence of something much worse: bad management,
an impossible atmosphere to work in, a constant digging by the Chinese Girl
that goes on daily, every hour of the day, until we are simply too alienated to
do anything else but freak out about everything.
I would have hoped that the Spanish
Boy would also have experienced a certain nightmare here, and spoke aloud of
his discontentment, however this has not really happened. I think he is too
young to have his own opinions spoken aloud, he is still very much under the
spell of authority, a truly yes mam type of person. And so he has been spared. Also
that he is far from having been pushed to the limits that both the Sweet one
and I have been subjected to. And yet, I suffered at least three times more
than the Sweet one, by constant harassment by the Chinese Girl, not doing any
effort to make our working relationship bearable, whilst she has tried so hard
to be nice to the Sweet Girl, as she could not have trouble with two of her
pupils. One was enough to get her into trouble, but still not that bad, as I
would be described as the bad apple. But two? Who’s the bad apple now?
I also always had a much larger
workload than the Sweet one, and yet I managed to keep my cool for a long time.
She couldn’t, she did not need much more work to completely be astounded and
start complaining like hell. Even the Spanish Boy was starting to panic last
week, as he is supposed to start contacting sponsors, what I have been waiting
for for quite a while. Oh! You should have seen him then, he almost mutinied on
the spot. Fortunately for him, he has been called on Jury duty for the last
three days, and will most likely be gone for a while, as I’m sure he will be
chosen to be on that jury once they make their decision in court tomorrow. So,
so far, he did not have to make one phone cold call to request money from a
company. Hell is about to start for him, and let’s see if he can still walk
proud between his high profiles friends, stating how important he is because he
produces conferences, a man of the world, traveling everywhere, so cool, when
he was barely doing simple admin up until now.
My only question now, is when to
send that resignation tomorrow, what time? Following my resignation, there will
be management meetings for hours, after which I will be called in the office to
discuss the situation. They will fry me, they will want to find out why, they
will try to get me to spit out that I just hate that Chinese Girl and I would
very much like to strangle her.
Of course, unlike the Sweet Chinese
Girl now turned monster, I have no wish of revenge on my mind. I will not play
these mind games. I need to prevent these meetings, I need to prevent having
such a meeting tomorrow. I need to send that email tomorrow at the very last
minute, even if the bosses are gone at that time. They need to discuss it all
weekend and by Monday have half forgotten it. Or talked about it so much in
between themselves over the weekend that they will feel it is old history by
the time we start the new week.
Not sure what I will do, I want to
get it over with tomorrow, as I won’t feel like having these meetings on
Monday. Friday is their day to sack people, and they may already have planned
to sack the Sweet Chinese Girl. It would at least save her if I were to send my
resignation early, as they are unlikely to sack her after that, but instead
turn their beam towards the Chinese Girl who’s obviously the culprit. It will
be my sacrifice, my last unselfish act, to perhaps save the Sweet Chinese Girl.
Because I thought of waiting until Monday to resign, let this whole hell bring
some results tomorrow, because something is bound to happen. People don’t have
four hours meetings for fun, they must be discussing serious questions with
wide consequences. It would be even better for me to resign the day after they
sacked the other, I would not need say anything to justify my action then, it
would be obvious that I would think I would be next, that I feel it is unfair,
and that ultimately I have no need to suffer in their hell so they can make
more money.
Well, one way or another, timing
could not be better. My destiny is clearly going as planned, tomorrow is the
perfect day, whilst they are plotting against the Sweet Chinese Girl, instead
of me. The great advantage of such a timing, is that how could they now turn to
me and make me feel guilty about what they have done for me? I can hear it from
here, what their reaction would have been: “We have paid for your plane ticket,
we paid you one month of luxurious lodging, you destroyed our car and we did
not ask you to pay for the $500 it cost to fix it! How can you now abandon us
like that? We told you we were looking for someone for life, as a career move,
not for you to come to
Now, I’m asking you, with such
evidence that our Manager is such a nightmare, that she turned this whole
company upside down and alienated everyone, including the Valley Girl to whom
all communication has recently broken down, well, who needs to feel guilty? Not
me. And yet, they are so blind to what is going on, that they will have that
speech with me, I’m sure of it. And it will be hard then to explain that I
cannot feel guilt about that, when that bitch drove me to the verge of suicide.
They can keep their job from hell!
They will say: “It has been only
nine months! You did not even last one year!” And I will say: “Dear God! It has
been nine months? I cannot believe I lasted more than six! Well, you should
have cleaned the place from all the backstabbers before I arrived, there’s no
way anyone can survive in that arena. You keep what you have, the bad crop, and
the good crop should be wise enough to move on when the time is right!”
I would think they will try to
convince me to stay. I made it clear in my letter that my decision was final. I
hope they will see it and not insist, because I don’t want to start emptying my
dirty laundry in their office. And the more they will insist, the harder it
will get to keep my mouth shut.
The only acceptable option in my
mind would be for me to continue to work for them from
His speech impediment, which
started when he was demoted, has gone worse since then. I have to transcribe
tapes of interviews he has done with some potential speakers, and he can no
longer speak! And I noticed that when I drink too much the night before, the
next day I have the same speech impediment. And now I wonder if they turned him
into an alcoholic or even a drug addict. I’m not going to ask.
Oh what a week! How satisfying it
will be at the end of it to resign! It is not every day we can finally in one
single email, one simple action, turn our whole life upside down and radically
change our whole destiny. A life changing event, one short email, which says it
all, put everything into action. I would have liked to leave in peaceful times,
but it would not have been so satisfying. I have already planned to drink
myself to death tonight, but this weekend I should certainly celebrate more!
I was reading today on the Internet
that the latest theories about paranoia states that there are two kinds: the
pity me and the bad me one. The first is about feeling that we are persecuted
unfairly, the other that we are justified in being persecuted because we feel
we are inadequate. Well, there is only one sort of paranoia, and these are two
facets of it that we both experience at all times. I cannot stop thinking that
if I failed in all the jobs I ever had, the problem must be me. I cannot accept
any sort of authority. But I’m never alone in that boat, there are always
others suffering the same fate as me in these situations, from the same people,
usually managers. So, is it paranoia? Or has the work life has gone to hell and
there is simply no way to sail on those waters unscathed?
People seem to thrive on problems,
on created them, as if it was some sort of defense mechanism, so whatever fails
is not a reflection on them, but on everyone else. And then, only one logical
course of action is in order, annihilate all your subordinates, convince the
bosses that they are incompetent, and you are not. You did not fail the bosses,
your under links failed them despite all your great work and management skills.
And it seems that the smallest failure anywhere in the chain, is enough to
start the war, as they feel so insecure in their position.
There is one more thing which
worried me about my timing. Today I had to send an email to the whole company
to confirm the cancellation of my latest event. They feel strongly that I feel
bad about it, as I fought so hard to salvage it. There is no discussion that
the reason it fails is all the fault of the Director. He wrote the worst
conference program in years, he prevented me from contacting anyone, hoping the
sponsors would do the job for us and confirm high profile speakers, and now
that it has not gone anywhere, and that I’m sure they’re blaming me for it, I
resign. It is obvious that the only defense the Chinese Girl has now, is that I
could not get over the fact that the conference I was working on failed, and
she will push it, as she certainly believes it is all my fault.
It will be easy enough for me in a
posthumous meeting with the bosses to assure them that I could not give a toss
that the conference had been canceled, so her arguments will fail there. I have
written two big emails about why this conference was not going anywhere, and it
is clear that I have nothing to do with its failure. And I already said to my
boss that the reasons why it failed had been well identified, and that I was
aware it had nothing to do with me, when he felt the need to say that it was
not a reflection upon me. So that argument must fail.
I’m such a calculating bastard, I
thought of everything to protect myself against the ones who moved against me. It
is only self defense, but in the end, I will win and destroy them in the
process. I am sorry for that, it was not my intention, however they left me
little space to maneuver. I also have a self preservation problem, I will
defend myself when attacked, and will act accordingly to create maximum effect
to my advantage. I am just a bit better at it than the previous ones they
sacked. I am more intelligent than the others who can’t even see or understand
that they have been badly destroyed by the others.
I am very much like Sherlock
Holmes, I am paranoid enough to have seen through all their games, and I have
countered all their attacks. So I think. Maybe I am deceiving myself. Maybe
they will win in the end, I will never know. However I know my departure will
hurt their career. And I could do much more damage, but my silence will do even
better. No pettiness, I will leave with dignity, prove that I was from another
breed.
And that is a masterful trick,
because you will see the difference when the Sweet Chinese Girl will go in there,
resigning tomorrow on the spot, if she is not sacked beforehand, spitting on
everyone like a selfish and impetuous child. It will look very bad on her, it
will leave them with a very bad taste, to these blind bosses who cannot see or
accept that their management is just responsible for all the problems there.
I can always convince myself that I
am better than the others, I know deep down that I am as bad, and cannot free
myself from human nature, the pettiness of man. I’m as bad as the next one.
Don’t fuck with me, or I’ll fuck with you! That is also my motto. You deserve
all the shit I can give you! And this is what humanity has been reduced to, in
this American Corporate World era. You fuck me, I’ll fuck you! This is what the
corporate world is all about.
The inexperienced ones, like the
Sweet Chinese Girl, will fail miserably. She said today: when I go down, she’s
going down with me! I thought she had it all wrong. I thought she had no chance
in succeeding. She will go down, there’s no question about that now, but she
will go down alone. Only my resignation will help her now, confirming that the
problem is the other one.
The careful ones, the skillful
ones, like me, might succeed. There’s more planning in my thinking, my actions,
much more analysis (hell, a 1000 pages book was necessary for me to see through
it all!), and I might just succeed in getting “her” down with me, in my ultimate
downfall. The mentality of the suicide bomber. I will die, but I’ll get a few
of you in my course to death.
One has to be much better than
that, much more intelligent. It must be: I won’t die, but you will die all the
same, and I won’t even be blamed for it. That’s the real and perfect objective to
achieve here. And since I was leaving anyway, for me I’m not going down. I
might just managed to get “her” down in the process, to alleviate the pain this
company will be going through for any future employee who will work under the
new Master Bitch in town.
Which brings the question, how do
these master bitches manage to get where they are? With all the problems they
cause, and the highest turnover of employees ever, how could the bosses not see
it? It is because the damn bitches were able to prove how great they were at
their job before getting where they are. And of course, there’s only one way to
be so great in a job. It is to be a dysfunctional human being incapable of
functioning normally in any normal society. So how could they ever hope to be
able to create the right atmosphere at work, so everyone can flourish and be
productive? They are dysfunctional to start up with. They don’t have a life,
they work all the hours possible, and there is a reason for that, it is because
they are big rejects outside of work, because no one is prepared to suffer
them. So you can imagine that in a work environment, it is no better, the same
pattern repeats itself, and so they become the worst managers you could
imagine. And since they have proven themselves to the bosses, they remain where
they are, go higher, whilst everyone else either leave or are sacked.
Is there any management book
finally identifying this? Where is that famous chapter about how to deal with
master bitches? I see, I’ll need to write myself that damn management book for
real people in the real corporate world. As these other books must have been
written by management consultants with easy lives, who never actually
experienced anything in a real work environment. We all know it is hell, but
they seem oblivious to that fact, so they must know nothing about it. And so,
all the literature on the subject is just useless.
I said today to the Sweet Chinese
Girl that Master Bitch should read a few books about great management skills,
and even as I said it, I knew it would be useless. Because none of these books
are willing to accept that human behavior is cruel and without pity. And that
management positions bring the worst in people, they become evil. As far as I
can remember, no management book tells us how to deal with evil, and plan an
exorcist to clean an office from this nightmarish vision.
We have to call these things by
their real names, as simple as that. Otherwise we will never achieve happiness,
a job where we can actually be happy to work our ass off to make money for the
bosses while we can’t even finish the month ourselves. It is a heartless world,
these heartless jobs. Please, make it easier for us to accept that hell, or
else, I predict quite a revolution in years to come. Don’t delude yourself,
that revolt against the corporate world is long overdue! By God, mark my word,
I’ll start that revolution myself if need be! Just watch me go!
And I guess I’m just about to find
myself in prison. You see, the building I’m working in, is filled with offices
of different companies. They all have a boss, and it is obvious who they are
when we meet them on our way in or out, or even in the toilets. I had to
restrain myself to jump on them and hit them with all I have, as I know there
would be no consequences there, they’re not my boss after all, when they look
at me as all bosses do, with their air of superiority. I can’t stand it, I feel
like latching into them, make them understand that I don’t give a fuck about
the little power they have in this world, over a handful of human beings. I’m
not one of them, so I will make them understand where humanity stand about them
and their petty power they have over a few of us.
My God, I almost jump on one of
them, he looked so much like it, white, old, wise, authoritarian, that was
enough for me, I was about to make him understand. Until I saw him walk to such
a small car, that I understood that despite the appearances, he was a nobody
trying to get somewhere in this jungle. I’ve become quite dangerous, this is
where they pushed me.
And that made me wonder, what makes
people be bosses and others slaves? What determines someone being a President
or a CEO, and another being nothing? Is it skills, or just shear dumb luck?
Some of the bosses in my building, you look at them, you know they have
absolutely no intelligence. They were crazy enough to start a merciless
business exploiting others, like insurance in this case, and you are certain
they are driving all their employees crazy. Insurance, come on! The scum of the
earth, the biggest scam there is! The same ones fighting to sell you these
insurances, will be the ones fighting you to death not to pay you once you
finally need them in 20 years time. They should be eradicated from this planet,
and the world of insurance should belong to the government (to the people).
Other bosses are just CEOs or
Presidents, put there by other investors or whatever. They have proven they
were wise and intelligent. And yet, they have no clue about this world, they
are totally disconnected. They do good speeches at conferences, promoting
nothing else but themselves, and that’s about it. I know! I have produced over
one hundred conferences filled with that kind of people, and I fell asleep in
the conference room too many times to fail to see what they are all about! (Oh,
that was a great line. This is why I write these books, sometimes it is really
worth it. And please, what could be more worth it than spitting on any sort of
management?)
And then I had a hard look at
myself. I wondered why it is that I am still no manager, why I still never had
anyone under me. Isn’t that amazing? After 33 years on this planet, and 12
years in the same industry? I have gone nowhere. I am condemned to be a slave
for the rest of my life, it seems. I cannot see this changing any time soon. Is
it possible that I just don’t have what it takes? To be recognized as some
management material, by management? I guess so, it must be clear to them, to
all of them, that inside me there is an anarchist screaming to get out. I guess
there’s no hope for me. And thank god for that! I could not live with myself if
I had to admit to anyone that I am either a manager or a director. I would be
so ashamed, it would kill me.
I’m not sure what that says to all
the miserable managers and directors of this world, not much, that’s for sure.
Don’t get carried away! You are nothing, we all know it, you’re more useless
than the last under link you manage. And that is why you are in such a
predicament. Why you feel you are about to lose your job, while we are doing
everything we can in your back to make sure it happens. Just give up! Crawl
back to your mother, you’re not worth it, we all know it, what are you waiting
for? Don’t worry, we’re already planning your spectacular downfall, you won’t
be manager or director for much longer, you can be certain of that. I pity you,
sincerely. You are a victim, of what this competitive world is all about. Your
duty is to die, so we can take your place, as simple as that. And we will work
very hard to make it happen. It is our sole reason to exist. Get rid of you,
get somewhere! We always succeed, give up now. You don’t have it in you, do
you? Or else, you wouldn’t be such an easy target, and such a bastard. Remember:
“when I go down, she’s going down with me!”, Pure revenge, such a wonderful
concept. When I go down, the whole world goes down with me. And this is true. And
this is why this world is never going to go anywhere. Because we do not give
the chance to anyone to go somewhere, the very concept of competition destroys
the idea. We all feel we deserve so much more, and we are denied just about
everything. What can you expect in such a world? Nothing. Backstabbing, never
ending problems, that’s for sure. High turnover.
And I’m the first one to go.
Wonderful. Just peachy. Great achievement that is! I’m either a frail human
being, or a strong minded one, and I’m just not sure which one it is… and I am
honest enough here to say so. I will just add that I am filled with anger and
hatred, and it is so strong that I could kill. That’s all. Perhaps that will
make you think twice about fucking around with us. And I have to say, you are
unlikely to read anything like that in any management book, and why? This is
what you should be reading in there, there is no two ways about it. I guess I
just don’t give a fuck if I get a name in this world or not, a reputation, so I
will be damn free to speak my own mind! This is so rare these days, take it
when it comes. Make it yours! It is unlikely to come again.
Which reminds me, the Sweet Chinese
Girl confessed something to me today. She said that most of the time, most of
the day, she’s listening to a song called I’m not dead yet. And I thought, how
clever, I wrote such a text myself, I wonder, did the singer stole it from me?
And then she let me listen to it on her iPod, well, I thought, no, that was not
stolen from me, as it is far from being extreme enough, powerful enough to
really transport someone somewhere else. And I thought right there, that is my
mission, to get that dark poem of mine, transformed into a significant song,
which could actually help all the slaves of this world.
Dear me! For the first time ever, I
have done a search over the Net about one of my colleagues, and I have found
something. The Sweet Chinese Girl has a whole blog out there! Isn’t that
extraordinary? Now I have a weapon of mass destruction against her. I sent her
an email about it, fooling around, since I don’t care anymore. Tomorrow I am
announcing my departure, why should I care? I’m sure it will get me into
trouble, and yet, I have barely told her anything, as I damn know she cannot be
trusted. And yet, she will think I’ve opened up to her, I gave her my useless
URL, the harmless one, the one I give to everyone, the one that says nothing
about me, and yet, convinces everyone that there is nothing more to be found on
the Net about me. If they were to do a simple search under my name or my email
address, I would be fried, as I am such an extremist and all over the place.
With any luck, she won’t go further. Finding my website from my useless email
address, she will think she has discovered everything, of what I wanted to
hide. I bet she has no clue. Useless people living in a useless world.
I’ve already drunk too much,
tomorrow I’ll be a real spaz, unable to respond to their questioning, their
scrutiny, bad move. It may work in my favor though, being unable to express
anything, to form an attack plan, designed to destroy everyone. I will get out
of there completely dazed, just like them. I will be there asking: what did you
just say? I’m still drunk from last night, it has not reached my brain yet, and
it is unlikely to reach it anytime soon! Just as it should be. I know what I am
doing. I know I cannot trust myself, better go there still drunk, I tell you.
It is my best defense. I will look so innocent, simply because I will be
somewhere else while they analyze all that shite. Thank God I won’t be there
with them, even if I will be. Still, I need to go to bed now. Tomorrow could
easily be my worst day ever in my whole life, it could easily be my last day working
for that company. I should not take it so lightly.
23 June 2006
I have done it! Gosh it was hard! I
waited until 20 minutes before the end of the day. To give my boss the time to
have a meeting which would not have gone beyond my normal working hours. I
would not have needed to worry though, as soon as he read my resignation, he
left the office. No doubt he did not want to speak to me without first
consulting his wife and perhaps the whole management on Monday. Which will make
that next Monday, perhaps, the hardest of my whole existence.
I could so easily feel guilt right
now, for the ingratitude that I showed, however I feel they must know why,
considering all that has happened this week with the Chinese Girl, unless they
don’t even know my other fight with the bitch this last Wednesday. I would not
be surprised if no one told them, despite the whole office knowing about it.
I feel great, justified, liberated!
That’s how I feel! But now, my God, I could sleep for a week! I will certainly
sleep all weekend, after being a zombi all day at work, and I’m still drinking
wine tonight, though I doubt I’ll be able to drink more than a glass.
It has been a hard week, perhaps my
hardest ever, I survived it and I’m not sure how. All I know is that I would
not survive another like that unless I was certain there was a light at the end
of the tunnel, which now I can see.
I’ve been thinking all day that I
will be back in
Now I have complete certainty that
Europe is the only place I could ever live, be it
I know my bosses are talking right
now, trying to understand and assess what happened, what they could do to
change my mind. I’m not even sure if they feel so strongly about me, in fact,
for the last few months all they probably heard from that Chinese Girl must
have been only negative feedback. If they are not convinced that I am
incompetent by now, it would be a miracle. So in the end I would not be
surprised if they were to just turn around and say: good luck with your life! I
feel however that it is unlikely. They must think: what if we could put him
under someone else instead of that trouble maker of a Manager we promoted? What
if we could bring his boyfriend over and make him work here illegally?
I couldn’t, I couldn’t continue
there. Seeing any of them simply revolts me. I wonder how I will be able to
continue for one month. Today I felt like hitting the Valley Girl, who was
trying her best to attract my attention with her cute little smiles, how I
would have loved to make it disappear forever for her. And when I was seeing
the Chinese Girl, oh dear, it made me sick to my stomach, I could have puked
all over the office right in front of her. And when I saw the Black Guy still
spying on me, checking what was on my screen, and looking at his astonishment
when I got back after 20 minutes from having a sandwich downstairs, I felt like
telling him that I don’t need a spy and he does not need to know everything
that is going on in the office: mind your own fucking business! Is more like
what I felt like shouting at him. And what about the Director, naked feet all
the time, those disgusting feet, and what about the top of his head, bold and
half shaven for the rest, this is a sight to cure you permanently from your
homosexuality. Thinking of him would insure never again having a hard on.
I just found the name of my new
company! See how more clearly I can see my future once I am a free man! Queen
Victoria Conferences. With a perfect logo to match, her black profile on a dark
red background, in a little oval. Much better than The Marginal. And all my
conferences will be taking place at the Queen Elizabeth II Conference Centre in
I feel so powerful… I need
to take on the world right now! I need
to face the ugly face of humanity while it is still hot. I want
to take over the world in my march towards freedom! Oops, I’m getting carried
away. All right, I’m descending back to Earth.
In the meantime, I will admit something I only realized today.
I guess if
And I was seeing myself again in
Maybe it is time now to write that
book I so wanted to write, called Piccadilly Line, about every single station,
and what it is that I experienced in my 12 years there, at everyone one of
them. I could even write a new Sherlock Holmes series of short stories, based
on well chosen stations on that line which has been mine for so long. Food for
thought. I will definitely, if I have to go back to work in
That deserves another beer, I’m
afraid, after a whole bottle of wine which cost me $8.25, Californian Wine,
which tasted like shit, vinegar if I did not know better. Expensive, relatively
speaking of course, I should not be paying that much at the moment for a bottle
of wine, so it is classified as more expensive than usual in my case, so it
should be a little bit better, but I can see it’s going to make me sick. Expensive
wine in
You can only trust a can of
Budweiser, because whatever country you are in, I found, it tastes the same damn
thing. Except in
I’ve seen too much, I can see that
now. No need to see
Don’t talk to me about
God I have been stupid,
brainwashed, and what have you. Wasted a year of my life for no good reason. Thank
god it is all about to end. I’m cured. No more. Curtains. Fin. Complete
disaster. So predictable, and yet… and yet! And yet… and yet.
Give me
I’ve been listening tonight, in my
celebration hour, to Tory Amos and The Cure, a tribute on MTV or whatever.
These last few days I’ve been working with Leonardo on some possible songs,
where I sent him many of my dark poems for him to consider. He’s run with them,
shouting it was genius work. And I thought, wait a minute, I always thought it
was useless, only written from a deep need inside, never considered it could
make great songs in the style of The Cure or The Smiths.
I have learned to appreciate my
art, for once. I am proud of what I’ve done, written, I certainly love to read
it again and again once I’m totally drunk and wasted. The music is perhaps still
missing, and that might change one day, and yet, literature wise, I feel, I
could not read anything else that could make me feel the way I feel when I read
my own stuff. So deep, so out there, so wild. You are never better served than
by yourself. And I need to truly appreciate it, if no one else is. I might as
well be dead, but maybe one day I’ll inspire someone. Be the The Cure or the
Tory Amos of literature. Of course, I’ll always be the only one to know and
fully appreciate it. At least I’ve got one die hard fan, me!
I was actually contacted a few days
ago by the Mairie de Paris (the
25 June 2006
Oh dear, just woke up before 7 am,
on this Sunday morning, the day before the nightmare begins. What a state I am
in. I won’t be able to do anything today, except think about what’s coming. Sherlock
Holmes won’t suffice to save me from my alienation. I’m experiencing fears at
unknown levels, I am completely freaked out. I don’t know what to do, even
though there is nothing left to do, the dice have been thrown, now I only need
to sit back and sail through it until I am safely back to England.
For once in my life, I could have
terminated my employment on the day of my resignation, last Friday could have
been my last day. What possessed me to give them a month’s notice is beyond me.
They would have given me 5 minutes notice if they had decided to sack me, as
they did for everyone else before me. I could have been out of this nightmare
instantly, and I have to admit, we should always have that choice, because when
it is over, it is over. There’s no going back.
I don’t feel as certain today as I
did last week, about if it was such a perfect timing. Could not have been
better, however, will it be enough? Will they see my point of view without me
having to explain it for hours on end? Fuck, can’t someone just resigned
without having to go through the five stages of death, in record time as well?
Today what I want to do, is to go
home, yes my home in
I can’t believe I am sitting here
being worried about killing a few worms, when this is exactly my situation in
that office right now. I am a worm, and instead of feeding me to the fish, for
a quick death, they play just about every single psychological trick on me they
can think of, driving me to madness and suicide. I wouldn’t dream doing that to
a worm, let alone a human being.
Dear, dear, dear, it is now 11 pm.
Instead of thinking about going to bed, 30 minutes ago I went haywire and
decided to cut my hair and do the dishes. And now I sat down with a beer and
cigarettes, with no intention at all to sleep tonight. After all I slept all
weekend, only getting up to read some Sherlock Holmes. At the very least, it
should help me put my arguments in order tomorrow when I will stand trial. I
feel that reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle help me write, think and speak better.
It did not help write my resignation letter though, I downloaded it straight
from the Internet. Our children never have to write essays anymore, they can
find there everything readily made. Even my colleagues at work don’t bother
writing their conference programs, why? Our competitors are doing it much
better, let’s just copy it all. So why should I bother? Can someone become so
hypocrite and impersonal that even his letters, job applications, résumés and
resignation letters come right from the Net? Welcome to the 22nd
Century, or are we still stuck in the 21st? Sometimes I’m quite
convinced, with the retards I deal with, that we are in the 17th
century. And of course, with what I am reading right now, I am not far off
myself.
Well, my third beer, I guess I will
have to go to bed eventually. I should not be late tomorrow, I expect that
there will be a whole committee to welcome me. Perhaps I should arrive at 6 am
like many of them, so I can witness what time they actually really arrive, and
see them run in the office like chickens with their head cut off. As it stands,
I’m sure both my bosses will be in the office by the time I arrive at 8 am.
They usually arrive around 9 am, but not tomorrow, I’m sure of it.
You would not think I was that
significant to this company to have to go through all that. And yet, I’m a
special case. I was flown from
Well, as I said, there is nothing
more I can do now. I will get up tomorrow morning, pump the tires of my
bicycles, and get there to face the music. Why do I feel like I am going to be
crucified on a cross? Why does it seems like one of the most important and
difficult time of my life?
It’s like a divorce, as simple as
that. It is always painful. And since our job is by definition our lives, and
that we actually spend more time at work than with our loved ones, then it is as
painful as a divorce.
It is also filled with the feeling
of failure, of being useless and incapable of keeping a job. Yes, I feel like a
failure. I struggled on that last conference that nobody wanted to speak at,
whilst the Gay Guy from
It does not really matter now, does
it? I’m leaving, I will be back in
I could invent myself a disability
which prevented me from working all my life, or my parents were so rich, I studied
until knowledge came out by my two ears, and I never had a job before. So
please help me get back to the bottom of the hierarchy where there should not
be, by definition, any stress. But there is always stress, there are always
bastards to deal with, in any job, this will never change. There’s no way out.
26 June 2006
He sacked me on the spot! Well it
seemed to me to be like that, as I was not sure if I resigned or the sacked me,
when they give me five minutes to get out, after making me sign a sheet stating
that I was leaving on my own steam, as he put it.
The long meetings I thought they
would have, I think for once they had them all in less than five minutes. And I
failed to make them understand that the Chinese Girl was the main reason. My
boss is convinced I’m leaving because I miss my partner.
So, I am free man, but soon to be a
very poor one. The month I was giving myself to plan my way out has gone out
the window, now I’m in crisis mode. I don’t understand, I have foreseen the
possibility that they may get rid of me on the spot, however I didn’t believe
they would. No employer in
He said that it was not some sort
of punishment, but that they didn’t need an employee doing nothing for a month
when they need to move on with their projects.
In fact, the meeting was as
painless as possible. He did not ask me one question, he did not want to know
why. He had one single idea on his mind, to get me out of there as quickly as
possible. They even gave me my last check in record time, so I won’t need to go
back to that office ever, will never see any of them again in my life, and I
didn’t even said goodbye to anyone. In fact, they must think I have been
sacked. So it was such an humiliation, the shame on my face, and the thought
that the Chinese Girl was walking happily in the office this morning made it
ever worse. She won! Can you believe? She has won.
I guess it was a ridiculous idea
for me to think she would go done with me or that I would hurt her in any way.
Managers are always right from the point of view of the bosses, they only hear
their point of view, so I was quickly shoveled out of the office with my
things, and basically told to never come back.
I feel so bad right now, I could
pack my bags and fly out of
I discovered that my return plane
ticket does not exist! The return date that I thought was in a year time, was
in fact 3 days later than my departure! So I also realized that a plane ticket
to
Spoke with my dad, told him I was
not coming. Stephen has been calling all day, feeling that I was finally coming
home in three weeks. He is very much talking about that new job he might get
and for me to start my conference business. And that gave me a surge of energy,
I think I will work very hard on that conference business in my last three
weeks here. I need to arrive to
I think I will hired myself a
string of Chinese Girls, they seem to work wonder! They will turn my business
into a success (and who cares if they alienate everyone along the way?).
I feel sick, even though I am not
tired. I don’t know what to do right now, I don’t feel like doing anything.
My feeling of inaction did not last
long. I just installed Act! on my computer, I am ready to start the research of
the century about every single conference in existence, so I can decide what I
will be working on. I feel strongly motivated, for some reason. I guess one
only needs a good kick in the ass to get into gear.
The Sweet Chinese Girl sent me an
email, asking what happened. I guess the bosses didn’t tell anyone that I
resigned at the weekly meeting with everybody. I heard their speech before
about people who just disappeared, never to be heard of again. It is weird that
it was my turn. I also received a phone call from Isabella. She confirmed that
the Valley Girl was at it all day about me, badmouthing me like never, but she
would not repeat her words to me. Which is just as well. I’m so glad this is
over. So happy!
I’m afraid, Queen
10 July 2006
That is it then, I leave
I don’t know what to do, I feel
extremely alone and lost, like I never did before. I don’t know what to think
of all that has happened to me. My last night in
I can’t believe it is over. I don’t
know what I was expecting. I thought I would live a nice life and
I wonder how everything will be all
right as soon as I set foot in
I’m pleased in a way, for this
unexpected experience in
In the meantime I got closer to my
parents, my mother especially, who for one long minute thought I was actually
back home, even though
Oh dear, oh dear, this is the end!
My dream gone out the window in one big puff of smoke! And all I have to show
for it is this lousy book filled with complaints and lamentations. And also the
most extreme, dark and anarchist poetry book I have ever written. All my hope
to finally become a peaceful chap, a happy chap, a positive force of nature,
all drowned in the Pacific Ocean where they suck oil out of these towers in the
ocean in
I’m not sure what happened to me in
those last nine months in
If I could start a revolution out
of my bedroom, I think tonight would be the night.
The End